I worked for two retail companies for a total of nineteen years which makes me something of an expert. I continue to be amazed at the poor hiring practices used by most retailers. They hire on the cheap and expect the world of those same inexperienced and poorly trained employees. Walmart is the largest retailer around and the stories from their stores are amazingly bizarre. They are just the tip of a gigantic and costly iceberg.
All of us have tales to tell about the odd, strange, and stupid behavior of cashiers from almost any chain or store you can think of. It has forced many companies to create cash register systems that are more and more complex. Their thought process is to make the registers so smart that it takes the guesswork out of the hands of the cashiers. It’s a great idea but doomed to failure. All that solution gives the store is an expensive and complex computer checkout system run by an eighteen year old inexperienced dumbass.
Here are a few stories I’ve found that make my point and then some.
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A cashier noticed that a man never signed his name on the back of his credit card. She informed him that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When he asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature he’d just signed on the receipt. So he took a pen and signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one he signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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A young girl went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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A woman was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" She said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That’s why we ask."
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At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear retail coworker who was leaving the company due to "down-sizing," the store manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. Everyone just looked at each other like “deer in the headlights”.
These problems exist across the board with every type of retailer. Kids who can’t make the proper change even after the register tells them the proper amount. I could make a twenty minute shopping trip to any store and have at least one good story to tell about employee screw-ups. If you can imagine how many errors are being made on a daily basis in this country, it gets a little scary.
This should be considered your PSA (Public Service Announcement) for today. Keep your eyes and ears open when shopping because not all mistakes cost just the company money. You could be losing money every time you shop if your not paying attention. Check your receipt before you leave the store for any obvious errors. Companies are notorious for putting prices on a sign near the product but forgetting to update the UPC system. It costs us millions of dollars every year and that’s a conservative estimate.
Buyer Beware!
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
Today I’d like to talk about retirement. Being retired has it’s pluses and just as many minuses. You have the all the time you’ll ever need to do just about anything you’ve ever wanted to do. You have a type of freedom you’ve never experienced before. The main thing missing from the mix is motivation. Having that much time on your hands can lure you into closely examining your entire life, both good things and bad. You can also fall into the trap of second guessing every bad decision you’ve ever made and make yourself crazy. That’s the worst and most dangerous thing about retirement. If you can’t find a way to control it you just might become one truly miserable SOB with no friends or close relationships.
My transition to retirement has been a challenge to say the least. It’s took me almost four years to make the changeover to where I could maintain a level of happiness and calmness about my life, my aging, and my relationships with others. There’s no longer room for self-recriminations, whining about old mistakes, and rethinking of failed relationships. As they always say "Life is too short." I’ve been able to make peace with my past life and I’m ready for the next phase. I still spend time thinking about my childhood and my childhood friends many of whom have passed but it’s no longer a painful process and has finally become just a plethora of fond old memories. I sat down and started making a list of certain things I do miss from those days and the following are just a few that quickly came to mind.
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Spending a summer weekend at my grandparents house so I could attend the local carnival which came to town for just one week each year. It was a big deal for that small town and all of us looked forward to it all year long.
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I miss my childhood friends and knowing how to pretend. We had more fun using just our imaginations than we’d ever have had sitting in front of a TV playing a video game. Believe me, I’m not biased against video games at all. I’ve been a member in good standing with X-Box and Microsoft for decades. Imagination always offered me much more in the way of entertainment value.
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Playing catch with my best friend for hours and hours.
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Spending my summers playing baseball and roaming through the woods and streams near my home.
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Playing with friends on and in the Allegheny River. Jumping from bridges, rowing an old bathtub across the river, being escorted to shore by the Coast Guard for being in places we didn’t belong.
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Spending quality time with both of my grandfathers. I miss them both everyday.
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Eating baked potatoes with the family cooked in the ashes of a bonfire in the back yard.
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Eating fresh apples stolen from a nearby orchard. They always tasted so much better when you could run faster than the owner who was chasing you.
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Sledding with all of my friends in the hood of an old car. Ten of us flying down the hill together with no fear of anything.
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Skiing with friends on skis made from barrel rungs. We couldn’t afford real skis. I never skied much further than twenty feet anyway before I fell on my ass and rolled down the hill laughing all the way.
That’s just a few of the many memories I love reliving. I’m no longer pissed off that I can’t do most of those things anymore, I’m just happy that I had a chance to do them at all.
I’m standing at my kitchen window sipping on an extremely hot cup of coffee and watching my neighbors as they walk with their daughters out to the main road and the school bus that will start this new school year. Their younger daughter isn’t quite old enough for school but she’s there to see her sister off and seems very excited by the whole experience. They’re taking lots of photo’s to mark this special occasion as I’m sure they will do for many years to come.
The older daughter’s of another neighbor were seen packing their cars a few days ago and are now off to college to begin their school year. They also seemed excited to begin another year that moves them a little closer to independence and a life of their own.
For me this is the beginning-of-the-end of summer. I’m excited by the tourist season being over as I again watch them leaving the area in droves. By next week the population of many nearby coastal towns will drop almost ninety percent. Many of the beach businesses will close for the season and our lives can slowly get back to what we consider normal. My better-half and I are looking forward once again to visiting several bars and restaurants we’ve been avoiding all summer. Large crowds, high parking fees, and higher than normal prices have kept us away all summer long. It’s northing new just a normal transition we have to deal with every September. Caravans of vehicles heading north to return to Canadian soil and just as many heading south to Boston and beyond.
Our summer gardening is also coming to an end and the Fall season will be upon us in no time. We’ll visit a few local fairs and festivals and of course the big Fryeburg Fair and I’ll be getting out the snow thrower and preparing it for the coming season. I’ve lined up a few winter projects and also collected a healthy stack of books to read during the next five months. Then we’ll settle in for what will hopefully be a quiet and thoughtful Winter with just enough snow to keep things fresh and clean until Spring.
I always look forward to Winter if for no other reason than the time it offers me to read, think, and write. This blog becomes a major priority once again and I’ll finally have the proper amount of time to research things I want to write about. That the best relaxation I can think of and I ‘m looking forward to it.
As is painfully obvious from many of my earlier posts I’m not a huge fan of attorneys. I wouldn’t broad-brush all of them because I know many that do their jobs well. Unfortunately they’re in the minority since we as a nation have become over-run with a ridiculous number of lawyers. They’ve spent decades slowly and deliberately turning the United States from a common sense way of thinking country to our current levels of lawsuit paranoia. The fact that ninety percent of judges are either former politicians or attorneys easily explains our country’s litigious difficulties.
They’ve managed to weasel their way into every facet of our lives. Suing one and all with a landslide of frivolous lawsuits that have clogged up our court system for years to come. Here are just a few examples.
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A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I’ve got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank.
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Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop’s University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman’s toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife’s care, comfort and consortium.
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A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
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A woman went to her friend’s house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent … and sued him for $75,000.
I could continue with hundreds more of these useless and costly lawsuits but what’s the point. In the majority of these cases the attorney is paid a large percentage of the money won. It’s called taking a case on contingency. The same strategy used for those individuals suing the government for disability benefits for a variety of addictions, both drug and alcohol related. These attorney believe if you throw enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. Free money . . . . Yeah!
These so called attorneys-at-law have also forced companies to over label our everyday products due to fear of lawsuits. I actually saw an aluminum step ladder for sale in a nearby Home Center that had a sticker on the top step. Of course it stated an important and secret fact that we weren’t aware of: This is the Last Step – Don’t Stand Here. The “Nanny State” strikes again. Not only is the advice on many of these labels utterly obvious, many are just plain stupid. Here are a few of those.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a package of peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
- On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
- On Sears Hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like other soap.
- On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On frozen food package:
Product will be hot after heating.
- On packaging of an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
We’ve allowed this to go on for so long it’s now become the norm. We have only ourselves to blame when we’ve allowed the pursuit of possible free money to completely corrupt our judicial system. It was never meant to a be a gravy-train for those less than scrupulous attorneys who finally got tired of chasing ambulances.
Not being a huge football or sports fan has distinct advantages for me. I can ridicule any team at any time for any reason and I do as often as I can. It’s difficult because so many people admire, desire, and worship these football heroes (I use the term loosely) that they’ll attack anyone who isn’t awed by the mere sight of them. My hero worshiping days were short lived after all of the scandals: cheating, lying, steroid use, and criminal activities. No more sports heroes for me thank you very much. I’ll stick to the real heroes, our servicemen and women who sacrifice so these hulks can make millions of dollars and be praised by the masses.
Here are a few notable quotes, past and present, by some of those sports heroes. Thank God all of their colleges found a way to help them graduate.
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Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season…"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." – Joe Theismann
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: "We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play."
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ "
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What more needs to be said? The more they insist on standing up and talking to the media the more material I’ll have for postings like this. Keep close tabs on your sports programs for those pregame, half-time, and post game interviews. They’re almost as entertaining as the games.
Since today is Sunday and a day of rest for many of you, I thought a few miscellaneous items and a little humor might be the thing to do. It’s a late Summer’s day on a holiday weekend that begins to prepare us for what’s coming, SNOW.
My better-half and I are looking forward to the upcoming Fryeburg Fair which we attend every year. It’s a huge gathering of every farmer and their livestock from across the country. This year will be the first visit for her new grandson and she can’t wait to drag his little butt there to look at the pigs. As I’ve mentioned previously my better-half has something of a pig fetish. We’ll spend between eight and ten hours eating terribly unhealthy food, walking miles and miles through huge crowds, and attending the Pig Scramble and Woodsman contests. I know it sounds a little lame but it really isn’t. It’s one of the few things we both enjoy a great deal.
We’re also looking forward to taking hundreds of photographs of the Fall season whose beauty never ceases to amaze. Actually Fall has slowly over the years become my favorite time of the year. We’ll have the harvest season, Fall foliage, and many small local fairs to visit on most weekends. You can say what you want but small local fairs are the best. It will again be a great time for our family and friends.
My first item today is a joke I stumbled on recently. It is laugh-out-loud funny and I hope you enjoy it.
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In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe’ s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
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I would also like to take a few minutes to thank these new followers to this blog. I include their links as well and I hope you give their blogs a look-see and enjoy reading them as much as I do. Thanks to them all.
Eric Carlson, Karen Ellis, dmmd1983, L-Jay Health, What Happens to Us, mr688475, growupproper, mychangeviews, Nate Ollie, adoptingjames, Rein, jasminekeclipse, projectlighttolife, Gabriel Lucatero.
HAVE A GREAT LABOR DAY WEEKEND
Have you ever just been standing around people watching and wondering about things? I have. Do certain things you see and hear make you wonder what the hell is going on? I thought it only right that I look into some of these matter because they bother the hell out of me.
Take a moment and come up with a few of your own. They are every where it seems and no one has any answers as to why.
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Why is it that women show up at Walmart in a pink sweat-suit that’s two sizes too small with “Hot & Juicy” stitched across the butt?
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Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darken our skin?
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Why can’t women put on mascara without opening their mouths?
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Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
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Why must you click on "Start" to stop Windows 7?
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Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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Why haven’t we ever seen the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Why does a fiftyish man have a comb over more than 5 inches long and things no one notices?
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Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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What possesses a person to paint his house pink?
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Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Why aren’t planes made from the same material used for the indestructible black boxes ?
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Why did they ever decide to name the airport "The Terminal"?
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What thought process occurs to cause an beautiful and intelligent young lady to streak her hair red and pierce her nose in three different places?
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Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food and what person tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavor?
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Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Who can answer these questions? I need some answers and I need them now? How can I be convinced that your basic average human being is intelligent and right-thinking when I see hundreds of these types of things every week. It just doesn’t fill me with much confidence that the human race can survive itself. It’s just more than a little scary.
CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION
It’s time for two more lessons from those super dedicated and intelligent teachers from Every Useless Thing University. The source of endless supplies of knowledge mostly forgotten by the every-day citizen. Take detailed notes because our tests are tough and the failure rate has been climbing in recent years.
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Lesson #9 – What is Snot and Why is it Sometimes Green?
Snot is a slang term for mucus, a thin and slippery material comprising musins and inorganic salts suspended in water that’s produced by the mucous membranes inside the nose. It serves to moisten and protect the nose and throat while also trapping inhaled foreign matter, keeping it in the nose and thus preventing dangerous particles and germs from reaching the lungs, where they could cause damage. Mucus surrounds any foreign matter that is trapped and dries around it, producing a hardened piece of snot.
Mucus production is normal and healthy, but increased production in the respiratory tract is often a sign of a disease, such as the common cold.
When snot appears green or yellow, this is usually because the body has a bacterial infection, causing it to produce thick mucus containing pus excreted by the bacteria. When the body’s immune system detects the infection, it produces an enzyme called myeloperoxidase, which kills the bacteria in the mucus and expels it through the nose.
The nose produces almost a cupful of snot every day.
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Lesson #10 – Does Penis Size Vary by Race?
The penis sizes of men are frequently discussed and joked about. A large penis is coveted by many, considered a symbol of masculinity and thought to be an attractive quality to women. The size of a man’s penis is influenced by a number of factors, such as cold temperatures, which generally reduce the size of the flaccid penis to a lack of blood flow causing it to shrink.
One study found that the average length of the stretched, flaccid penis was 5.2 inches for White men, 5.7 inches Black men, and 4.2 inches for Asian men. Another study, meanwhile, found the average length of the unstretched, flaccid penis is 4 inches for White men and 4.3 for Black men. Black men’s penises were also found to be longer when erect, but only by 1 inch, while their circumferences were found to be in average 0.1 inch larger.
On the basis of these studies it is evident that the average black man’s penis is larger than the average white man’s which is in turn is larger than the average Asian man’s. Corroborating the latter part of this conclusion is a further finding that American condoms are 7.1 inches long, whereas Japanese condoms are 6.3 inches long. For this reason, at one time travel-guides recommended that male travelers should take their own condoms when visiting Asia.
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What have we learned today? First, snotty noses serve a useful purpose but wiping them is still mandatory so as not to gross out others.
Second, for you female students who overly concern themselves with penis size, the information contained in Lesson #10 should be helpful. You should always remember this important and useful adage to further assist you when choosing a possible boyfriend or mate, “It’s not the size of the club but how it’s wielded.”
CLASS DISMISSED
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
everyuselessthing.com 