Welcome back to the E.U.T. University the best known reservoir of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We’ll continue our course of study today with two more lesson plans for your archives.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be made a little smarter than you were prior to this visit.
Lesson #3 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?
Once a human embryo has been conceived, no matter what its ultimate gender, it follows a female template, adopting all female characteristics, including nipples. After a number of weeks in this state, a certain gene in the mail embryo stimulates the production of the male hormone testosterone, which prompts the embryo to develop masculine qualities. While the nipples remain present they will not function the way that they would have had the embryo been supplied with female hormones.
Not only do male babies have nipples, but they also are born with breast tissue and milk ducts and glands. These are normally in operative, but, if men experience increased levels of the female hormone estrogen and a lack of testosterone, they can develop breasts like those of women and, in extreme cases, even perform lactation. Because men have breast tissue, they are at risk from breast cancer, albeit to a far lesser extent than women are.
It has been asked why evolution has not done away with these superfluous male nipples. The common response is that, because diseases affecting the nipples are rare in men, there is no genetic imperative to do away with the nipple and so they remain.
So watch out guys. Stay away from those scary female hormones. You’ve always known how crazy they make women and it’s probably even worse for us men. Not only can you grow boobs and lactate, you can also be stricken with breast cancer. Count your blessings and stay away from that estrogen.
Lesson #4 – What is the Purpose of Pubic Hair?
The purpose of pubic hair is something that has been argued about for years. Even today, scientists are still unsure of its function.
One view is that pubic hair protects against friction during sexual intercourse, and provides cushioning for the pelvis in that area. Another view is that it provided insulation or our ancestors, although this is not widely held because of the lack of significant hair over the rest of our bodies. However, there is some support for the idea that the hair helps to regulate body temperature in the genital area which is particularly important for the production of sperm in men.
Pubic hair is curly because for some reason our sex hormones turn the hair follicles in that area into an oval shape, which in turn makes the hair an oval shape, causing it to bend. Straight hair grows from round follicles and is less prone to curliness.
That concludes today’s lessons and I hope you’ve found out a few new facts that have eluded you until now. As before, break into study groups to further discuss and better understand the information you’ve been given. There will be tests in your future.
CLASS DISMISSED
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
How good is your memory? Are you one of those folks who has disciplined themselves to remember only the good things that happen and forget all of the bad? If you are then we’ll probably never be able to communicate with each other in a meaningful way. We just don’t speak the same language. I’m none of those things. I’m your basic human being who takes great offense to anyone who treats me badly, lies to me, or attempts to mislead me. When it’s our politicians I respond in kind at the ballot box. That old adage of "turn the other cheek" is just pure and utter nonsense.
If I sound bitter or disgusted that’s because I am. Wishy-washy people will be the downfall of us all as reflected in the way our current government approaches and deals with problems. It’s hard to respect anyone who is preyed upon time and time again but remains passive and weak. That’s something for all of us to remember in the coming months as these problems slowly evolve to the point where they can no longer be ignored. Remember you read it here first.
Maybe I should just run for public office. I could force myself to become as washy-washy as our current crop of representatives. Maybe I could fight for the legalization of all drugs and put on a real push to bring back prostitution in a big way. I’d reintroduce the old trading stamps programs where if you pay for a little recreational sex you get some free dish-ware on you way out the door. Maybe I could push through with the help of my fellow politicians a law to require a ten percent discount on gas if your a steady participant in any government subsidy program. How about a free happy meal for any illegal alien who remains in the country but has a job and commits no crimes for more than thirty minutes.
I might think that free diapers, prenatal, and post natal treatments for those unwed mothers we hear so much about should be mandatory. I don’t want to be unfair so anyone who loses their job and refuses to find another gets free healthcare, government subsides for housing, food, and milk. Oh right, never mind, I forgot that’s already happening.
This is the land of milk and honey as I’ve heard from thousands of people I’ve interviewed during my career with state government. For all of you young adults who’ve mortgaged your lives with student loans, I hope your prepared to pay the bill for all those less fortunate than yourselves. When your struggling to educate your own children to the tune of thousands of student loan dollars and those children of these poor, badly treated, illegal immigrants are getting a free ride, say nothing. Turn the other cheek and watch your hard earned tax money be redistributed to help finance the poor, illegal, and misunderstood leaches on our society.
You’ll just feel so much better about yourself, right?
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
Well, today was the Fourth and for a change the weather was absolutely perfect. Ninety degrees with a slight breeze along the shore to keep things just cool enough. We made our way to the town of Old Orchid Beach late in the morning and found the place already jammed with tourists. The beach was packed with thousands of people and if the car license plates we saw were accurate most of Massachusetts and Quebec had moved in for the holiday weekend.
The local business people decided to start early gouging as many visitors as possible with a new and higher parking lot charge, $25.00 for the day. Since last year the cost was between $10.00 and $15.00 we decided to find a parking spot in town on the street and to feed the parking meters. A huge pain in the ass but at the end of the day we saved about $15.00. Luckily we found a spot only two blocks from the beach so our walk wasn’t too bad.
We dropped our blanket under the Pier out of the sun and started snapping pictures in between trips into the water to cool off. We’ve been coming here for years and it was as crowded as we’ve ever seen it. After an hour or so we decided a meal or snack was in order. We trekked back to the car and did a quick strip tease on the street to change out our wet clothes. Thankfully the foot traffic in the area was light so my better-half’s rear half didn’t scare anyone too badly.
We ended up sitting on the shaded deck of the Surf 6 Club for a few refreshing drinks and a nosh of onion rings and chicken fingers. We met a few visiting tourists and were able to chat and have a great time. The band started playing at eleven am and were pretty good. They were playing not only for the customers of the club but for the hundreds of people nearby on the beach.
The OOB Pier extends out into the ocean for at lease three hundred yards and is covered with small shops and eating establishments. We worked our way to the end of the Pier for a a quick drink at the “Pier” bar and to take a few more photos of the beach goers from a different angle. The place was packed with tourists and everyone seemed to be enjoying the atmosphere and the dozens of bikini wearing female customers. We stayed only a half hour because we had to go and to feed the parking meter.
Next was the better-half’s favorite thing, shopping. We started hitting the shops to look through the tons of touristy junk with really unbelievably high prices. She was forced by her shopping addiction to make a few purchases and then we were off to the Arcade. She kicked my ass playing Air Hockey and followed her victory with a little Skee-Ball. We then strolled over to the amusement park.
We agreed that the cost for tickets on the rides was ridiculous so we took lots of photographs and just walked around enjoying the atmosphere. We hit a few more of the smaller shops in town as we made our way back to the car. The nicest part of these visits is that we live only seven or eight miles away and we returned home in short order.
Lounging on our deck and enjoying the cool breeze and a cooler drink was a perfect ending to a great day. The better-half just couldn’t stop herself from peppering the yard with firecrackers and Roman Candles. That was her extremely loud way to celebrate the country’s birthday. I was also pleased to see so many of the people in town and at the beach wearing red, white, and blue swim suits, head ware, t-shirts, and beach equipment. The meaning of the holiday wasn’t lost on most of us and that was nice to see.
We both hope your day was as nice as ours. Happy Birthday America!
As I mentioned in my posting yesterday I have difficulty deciding just how to celebrate this country’s Independence Day. I could put up lots of pretty pictures of the flag and red, white, and blue things everywhere but for me that’s not what it’s all about. Any holiday we celebrate about this country should be about one thing and one thing only. Those servicemen and women who are in harms way and away from their loved ones for months and sometimes years. As far as I’m concerned they and the others before them are the reason this country is still around to celebrate it’s independence.
My first collection of letters were written by fourth grade school children as a school project where each child was assigned a soldier to write to. Many of the soldiers are actual relatives and friends of the students. Here they are as written.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I hope you’re thinking of your family. Shawn, Scotty, Brand and me and your two sisters and your mother all miss you. We all want you to come home safe from Iraq and we wish you good luck.
Your nephew John and the other three
* * *
Dear Mike Mader,
How is it there? Its finally spring. We had some nice weather. So how are you doing ? Do you like it down there? I’ve been thinking about you. So what’s your job? I am going to my friend Chelsea’s house tomorrow. I am doing spring cleaning with my friend Kayla. We’re going to listen to music. Do you miss your family?
Sincerely, Ashley
* * *
Dear Eric Olson,
I hope you know how Garth is. If you don’t he is fine. Evan is fine too. Your entire family misses you very much. my family hopes you come home safely.!
Sincerely, Shawnee
* * *
Dear Jeremy Nuggent,
I hope you are safe in Iraq. My name is Cory. I am 9 years old and my birthday is February 9th 1994. When is your birthday? By the way I have a 14 year old brother named Dan, two sisters, Angie and April. Angie is 21 and April is 24. I have a dad named Tom and a mom named Debra. I have a dog named Stormy because we got him in the ‘ 98 ice – storm. He is a golden retriever. He can do tricks like shake and roll – over. Do you have a dog? If so what kind of breed is it? Like I said before I hope you stay safe in Iraq.
Sincerely, Cory
* * *
Dear Jim Law,
I hope you have not forgot about me. Everything is fine here. How are you? Is it a cool experience going to a different country? By the way I saw your son a couple days ago he was riding his bike. If you get the chance write back. Bye.
Your friend Ray
* * *
Dear Uncle Jimmy,
Guess what, I graduated from school!
April fools, did I get you?
The snow is mostly gone and you can see the grass. Easter’s coming soon. Are you going to be here? Write me any time you can because I know how busy you are, and I’m hoping you and all the solders come home safely.
Love Kassandra
* * *
Dear Joe Fisher,
I been thinking about you. What do you do at Iraq? Can you tell me please. I really really really miss you? Please remember me! I hope you have a good Easter. I hope you hear from your family on Easter.
Sincerely, Katlyne C.
* * *
Dear Mike Mader,
I really wanted to write to you sooner, but I couldn’t because I was too busy with work and homework and the E.L.A.s. Well, what is it like down there? Is it hot or cold? Well, got to go. Just writing to say hi and hear how you’re doing. Bye.
Sincerely, Jazzmyn T.
* * *
Dear Uncle Jimmy,
I hope you are keeping yourself safe. And I just want to let you
know that I’m behind you all the way. I love you so much. But no matter what happens, I love you anyway. I’m turning 11 this year on May 9. Hope you have good luck down in Iraq. Don’t tell any of our family members, but you’re the best uncle in the whole world! I hope you have good luck this year and forever. Hope you can write back. Oh, Casey Reardon might ask you my address. You can tell him it. I love yah!
Your niece, Kailyn
* * *
Dear Uncle Mike Canty,
Your three nephews, John, Shawn, and Scott and your family all wish you good luck.
We all miss you.
We all hope you come home safe.
Your nephew, john
* * *
Hi Jim Law,
We are proud of what you are doing for our country. We will miss you. I hope you will remember me. We hope you come back safe.
Your friend, Raymond
* * *
I think letter writing campaigns like this do more for troop moral than many people realize. I know how much it would have helped my morale back in the day. Our next example of that family love and connection is this short poem from one serviceman sent to his young son.
My Little Smart Trooper
by Roger J. Robicheau
From a Military Dad
I’m so proud you’re my little smart trooper
You’re the best there is, you’re just super
How I wish I could stay home with you
I’ll sure miss all the things that we do
You will be in my thought night and day
Be real brave for your soldier away
I’ll ask God to be real close to you
And I want you to pray to Him too
Tell your friends I have gone to defend
So the freedom we have will not end
That’s my job as a soldier you see
I’m so proud I can help us stay free
Now there’s one thing I want you to do
When I come back home to see you
Have a big hug just waiting for me
Cause together again we will be
(Dedicated to Little Davey)
* * *
The following two letters are heartbreaking but need to be read by as many people as possible. These letters were written home by soldiers who were later killed in action. They bring home to me everything we need to know and understand about just how important the work of the military is and what a huge sacrifice they make to allow us to celebrate these holidays.
* * *
Excerpts of letters from Army Capt. Joshua T. Byers, 29, of Anderson, S.C., who was killed on July 23 when a bomb detonated under his vehicle.
Thursday, June 5
Dear Mom and Dad,
A couple of days ago, my squadron commander told me that I would be taking command of Fox Troop in June, after all. . . . SWEET! I left my conversation with him walking on air! Not only will I soon be a cavalry troop commander (the most lethal combination of fire power that a captain can be in command of, in any service), BUT I will have the opportunity and the incredible responsibility of commanding in combat. I have to admit that I am really nervous and just pray that I am up to the task out here to lead 120 men in combat operations. I will give them everything I have to give — I love them already, just because they’re mine. I pray, with all my heart, that I will be able to take every single one of them home safe when we finish our mission here.
Friday, June 20
It seems like I’ve been here for so much longer than I have. My life away from here seems so far away. In some ways, I don’t think I’ll ever have it back completely. I think war takes certain things from you, or maybe it gives certain things that change your perspective.
I love being in command. It’s so great to lead again. I love taking care of my men and accomplishing our missions together here. I am blessed.
Thursday, July 3
In the past two nights we’ve been attacked each night while on patrol. No casualties for us. . . . I see more bravery in a day here than I had seen in my entire life prior to this.
I’m healthy and doing fine — although I really want to get that redeployment order and come home (as everyone does) — I don’t dwell on it. We are accomplishing our mission here and I think I’ll take a lot of pride in that for the rest of my life. Although the sacrifice is great, the rewards of service are so much greater.
Friday, July 18
Life here continues to be challenging, but we’re all hanging in there. We got a blow to our morale a few days ago when the corps commander visited us (three-star general). He said there was no way we were going home in less than nine to 12 months. Man, that’s going to suck. We’re working on month No. 4 right now and it already seems like we’ve been here forever and a day.
I still love being a commander. I love leading troops and taking care of them. It is a huge responsibility and I feel the weight of it every day. I send the thing I love most out here — my men — into harm’s way every day and every night. I just do my best to ensure they’re ready, trained, equipped and properly led in every situation.
Monday, July 21
We conducted a huge operation in the desert about a week ago. We had intel that suggested that the bad guys were hiding weapons and ammo out in the desert and bringing it into the city to attack us. We swept all of the desert north of us and found lots of weapons/ ammo. . . . Two of the targets that we captured turned out to be first cousins of Saddam Hussein.
I love you both with all of my heart! I’m working very hard here — adding honor to our country and to our family name!
Love,
Josh
* * *
Excerpt of an e-mail message to his wife, Theresa, from Army Master Sgt. Kevin N. Morehead, 33, of Little Rock, Ark., who was killed Sept. 12 during a raid on enemy forces. The message was sent July 7.
Hey Baby,
I do enjoy planning for the future. It gives me a lot of hope to be able to plan for our success. Sometimes I think that maybe I wouldn’t come up with these plans if I wasn’t deployed. Being here focuses my attention on home and I have time to come up with lots of avenues for us. It has been one blessing for me being here. I think if we can get the things done that I have come up with we will be able to have a prosperous life ahead of us. I don’t want you to worry about how we are going to make it after I get out. . . . I want us to be able to enjoy our life and do things that we want to do.
I think after we get these bills settled and get on track this winter with the property and the house, next spring I am going to get us another boat. We had a lot of fun when we had a boat. I remember when me, you and Jesse used to go to the lake and camping. Those were really fun times. I would eventually like to get a camper or an R.V., too. . . . I know how you like to have a nice place to stay. If we got a nice camper, then it would almost be like staying in a hotel room with A.C. and a private shower and a queen size bed.
I love you very much. I can’t wait to get on with our lives. I really look forward to our future together.
Kevin
* * *
So thanks to these two men and all of the other men and women currently serving around the world. I hope they all are able to properly celebrate this holiday and eventually return home safely. Without their service and sacrifice we would have no country to celebrate.
With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love. Some of these are really interesting and others not so much. I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.
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A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
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When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
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40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
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The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
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The average housefly lives for one month.
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A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
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The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
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Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
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The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
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Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
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In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
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The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
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Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
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The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday. I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect. I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original. I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
It’s been a few weeks since I slipped back into journal mode but with the summer beginning I thought I should catch up a little. It’s been raining off and on for more than a week forcing us to be house-bound once again. With all of this rain the garden is flourishing and beginning to look like my own personal jungle.
The summer plans are once again being readjusted due to family obligations by my better-half. What I initially thought would be a quiet summer is slowly slipping away. I shouldn’t be all that surprised since it happens more often than not.
I spent more than a little time yesterday attempting to get my chores in order. If you garden you don’t need to be told just how important maintaining a compost pile is. Unfortunately that magic doesn’t just happen. It must be maintained just like anything else and this week I took steps to do just that. There’s nothing as much fun as standing ankle deep in compost and turning the pile. My compost consists primarily of grass clipping left to rot. The smell is unforgettable and the larger the pile becomes the worse the smell. With the over abundance of rain the amount of clippings being saved is huge. I no longer have a compost pile but a compost mountain. What a dirty but necessary job.
My cucumber wine is progressing nicely. The aroma is rather nice but I haven’t tasted it yet. It needs to progress a little further into the process because it would only taste like yeast at this stage. My better-half finally put up a batch of blueberry wine which we’re both looking forward to drinking. It seems that almost anything made with blueberries always tastes wonderful. The blueberries also make almost anything they’re mixed with taste even better. This Fall should be very productive for jams and jellies with the rain making for fat and luscious berries.
With the Fourth of July approaching we’re planning a couple of beach days. The weather looks as if it will be cooperating for a change so we’ll really be able to enjoy ourselves. The better-half is insisting we make a short visit to our local amusement park to enjoy a few rides and a visit to a small kiosk that specializes in Chinese chicken wings. She has a serious addiction to wings that hasn’t lessened over the years. Just recently we made a trek to our favorite spot in Portland for outstanding chicken wings. The Great Lost Bear is known for it’s hot wings and believe me they are unbelievable. Their super hot version will almost certainly kill you but I guarantee you’ll die happy with a smile on your face.
Now that the heaviest rain storms are over and things are drying out I’ll be able to get into the woods for some head-clearing alone time. My camera and lenses have been cleaned to within an inch of their lives and are ready for some heavy use. I can’t wait.
So, we’ll celebrate the countries birthday this coming week as well as the life, death, and times of Thomas Jefferson. I’m pretty sure if he were here he wouldn’t be celebrating all that much but that just my humble opinion. I’ll get back to my normal postings soon enough and I’m looking forward to an interesting summer. I hope you are as well.
Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing. I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us. I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.
Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?
It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.
Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth. Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.
The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.
There you have the truth of the matter.
Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?
I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.
After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.
Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out. Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.
I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades. I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.
That’s the final lesson for today. Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information. It seems that if two or more students can study together the results are much more satisfying.
CLASS DISMISSED
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