Back in the day it was normal for almost anyone standing in line at any grocery store to be bored out of their mind. What do you do then? You take one of the ever so strange publications in the rack and read the most outrageous stories that were obviously nothing but BS in tabloids like The National Inquirer, The Sun, and The Daily Record. I’m pleased to announce that most if not all of them still exist but these days they’re mostly on-line. My current favorite is The Weekly World News. They take legitimate stories and then spice them up with some of the worst headlines and facts that are twisted beyond belief. They are nothing more than hysterically funny comic relief. Here are a few samples of their work:
Alien Backs Clinton!
Bat Child Found in Cave!
Half-Human Half-Fish Found in Florida!
Titanic Baby Found Alive!
Bug Size UFO Found on Playground!
And you thought I was kidding. Here are a few more of their most outrageous stories and headlines. You can’t help but smile and shake your head after reading them.
11-YEAR-OLD BOY RAPED – BY SEX STARVED MAID WITH AIDS
BABY CATCHES BULLET WITH HIS GUMS
KID WITH THREE ARMS IS BASEBALL SENSATION
I MADE MYSELF PREGNANT WITH A TURKEY BASTER
ANT ARMY EATS 935 PEOPLE
SWORD SWALLOWER LAUGHS SO HARD – HE SLIT HIS THROAT
HAIL THE SIZE OF BOWLING BALLS FLATTENS TOWN
CHURCH COMMUNION CAN SPREAD AIDS
It’s interesting to sit back and enjoy “fake news” for a change that isn’t carefully disguised and worded by the Mainstream Media and all of our straight-shooting politicians. If you’d like to see more stop off at their website: weeklyworldnews.com. It’s worth a few laughs which we definitely need more of these days.
I’ve been called a sarcastic SOB so many times I can’t count. That was by friends and acquaintances who I got along with. Comments by others were often even worse. I love and live for sarcasm because it’s a subtle way to criticize or make fun of someone without conflict. The reason there’s no conflict is that most people haven’t a clue when someone is being sarcastic. They pretend to be amused but aren’t even sure why. Any time I find any information on sarcasm, and it’s uses, I buy it. Here are a few collected definitions of sarcasm you might enjoy and if they don’t make sense to you, find a sarcastic friend to explain them.
A CONSERVATIVE is someone who hates liberals because they have, at least once, seen themselves naked.
FAT is what you don’t realize you are getting until you have to suck in your gut even when you are lying down.
The CREDIT CARD is a small wallet sized device that finally made misery, ruin, and despair accessible to just about anyone.
A CUSTOMER is a person who once came first and was always right, and is now routinely ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at by the clueless, text messaging employees of most modern-day retail establishments. This has resulted in increased Internet commerce, wherein if the customer encounters a problem, he can simply call a toll-free number to get ignored, disrespected, and even scoffed at.
A DOUGHNUT is a food created in response to the notion that if something has 20 grams of sugar, 25 grams of fat, and 425 calories, then it should be made available in groups of 12.
E-COMMERCE is a convenient way to make your bank account accessible to criminals without having to leave the comfort and safety of your own home.
EGO is the part of one’s mind that contains awareness in the sense of one’s own individuality. Highly developed in actors, models, sports figures, doctors, real estate tycoons, and God help us, our children.
EDGY describes an otherwise normal person or work of art deemed provocative or daring by virtue of a little profanity, self-mutilation, or both.
FAITH is a deeply personal, spiritual set of beliefs that provides for the option of engaging in endless, bloody civil war with anyone who has a different set of deeply personal, spiritual beliefs than you.
FASHION is something that a total of six people actually have time to follow. Which might explain why we keep seeing clips of runway models wearing some of the weirdest crap in the world, none of which ever makes it to your local Target.
This is just a short sampling of many hundreds of definitions that I’ve acquired. You’ll be seeing more of them in the future for sure.
I feel the need to distribute a little more useless information today. There seems to a never-ending supply which I will happily make available to as many people as possible. Some of this information was also supplied by my all-time favorite writer, Isaac Azimov.
The foundations of the great European cathedrals go down as far as 40 or 50 feet. In some instances, they form a mass of stone as great as that of the visible building above the ground.
While Columbus was seeking new worlds to the West, Italian engineers were rebuilding the Kremlin in Moscow.
The number of possible ways of playing just the first four movies on each side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
There were more than 100 distinct ethnic groups in the old Soviet Union.
The Pacific Ocean fills nearly a complete hemisphere of the Earth’s surface.
Because of the story in Genesis that Eve had been created out of Adam’s rib, it was widely believed during the Middle Ages that men had one fewer rib than women.
Immediately after the end of the American Revolution, Congress abolished the United States Army, the Navy, and the Marine Corps, leaving the Congress itself as the only national government organization. They feared a standing army.
When Thomas Jefferson became president, in 1801, 20% of the people in the United States were slaves. There were 5 million people in all.
It was only in 1968 – 43 years after the Scopes “monkey trial” – that the state of Tennessee abolished its anti-evolution law and accepted the doctrine of evolution.
“Red Tape” the rigid application of regulations and routine, resulting in the delay in getting business done, got its name from the color of the tape that was commonly used to tie official papers. The term was in use as early as 1658.
Well, for all of you trivia lovers out there you’ve just received your daily fix of totally useless information. My supply never seems to run low and more will definitely follow.
I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.
My favorite word today is “Raunchy”. It’s not a word that’s heard too often these days, but I’ll do my best to do it justice. Another of my favorite things are riddles. As a kid we enjoyed them, and they were always fun. I’ll merge them together and give you ten “Raunchy Riddles” from the 1980’s. Here we go.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porche? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How fast can a girl go when she’s having sex? 68 . . . If she went 69, she’d blow a rod.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blonds
What can a girl put behind her ears to make her look sexy? Her knees.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
Why don’t men mind women claiming to be the foundation of our country? Because they know who laid the foundation.
What’s worse than a centipede with athletes’ foot? Captain Hook with jock itch.
What’s the French method of self-defense? Tung Fu
Why was the Duchess on her knees? She was down for the Count.
Once again here is a collection of what the hell ever”. A mixture of stupid advertisements, bumper stickers, and whatever else I happen to find on my desk. TGIAF (Thank God It’s Almost Friday)
Newspaper Headlines
Statistics Show that Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
😗😗😗
Newspaper Classified Ads
Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5-finger, oine 3-finger, pair: $15.00
I love reading about the history of this country. Not the big splashy headline making history but the odd or lesser-known history. Here are a few factoids you’ve probably never heard of . . .
The “American” log cabin got its start in Sweden, where such a building had been popularly used for centuries and was taken to America by the Swedish colonizers of new Sweden, which is now Delaware.
The name “United States of America” was coined by a man who lived the last years of his life in disrepute and his bodily remains eventually were lost – Thomas Payne. A chance meeting in London with Benjamin Franklin encouraged his move to America. Later, in 1776 he wrote his popular revolutionary tract Common Sense.
In the United States, about 48 billion metal cans, 26 billion bottles, 65 billion metal bottle caps, and 7 million automobiles are junked each year.
The United States has about 3,600,000 square miles of land, and on it more than 3,600,000 miles of highways of been constructed. That’s a mile of road to each square mile of land which if combined would pave an area as large as the state of West Virginia.
A replica of the head and the torch of the Statue of Liberty sat on the grounds of the Philadelphia Exposition celebrating the US Centennial in 1876, and later in Madison Square on lower Fifth Avenue in New York. A decade passed before enough funds were raised for the erection of the completed statue on Bedloe’s Island in New York Harbor.
The Pony Express, which has lived in American legend for more than a century, lived in fact for less than two years. Indian raids curtailed service on the 1,966-mile route between St. Joseph, Missouri, and Sacramento, California, And the transcontinental telegraph finally eliminated it in late 1861.
I’ve posted previously about what Number Freaking is all about. If you’re really interested just do a search to read those posts. Today’s number freaking facts and stats concern sex. I knew that would get your attention very quickly. Read on and be educated . . .
The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims sexual intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times every day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male It is estimated that 30 million billion (30 quadrillion) sperms are in the hunt every day.
Assuming a healthy male can make as many as 1500 sperm a second, in 1 min. he can produce 90,000 sperm.
There are 2.2 billion adult women on earth. It would take one man 17 days to make one’s sperm per woman.
The average number of kids born per women worldwide is 2.8. So, assume an average woman will lose 28 menstruating months to pregnancy during her lifetime.
The average woman will menstruate 19.66 quarts of blood in her lifetime. That’s about the same amount as two cases of wine.
The average American man first gets married at the age of 28.7 years and dies at the age of 76. A duration of 47.8 years. If he could manage having sex three times a day every day until he dies, he would’ve had intercourse 52,376 times.
According to the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior the country boasting the longest lasting sexual intercourse is Brazil at 30 min. The USA, Canada, and Brits follow with 28, 23, and 21 min. respectively. The quickest sex in the world takes place in Thailand in 10 min. and Russia in 12 min.
The data shows that almost 88% of men’s penises measure between 5 and 7 inches when erect. When relaxed 90% of men are 3 to 5 inches.
Kinsey also reports that the average vagina is 3 inches long with a diameter of .8 inches when aroused, and 3.75 to 4.1 inches long with a diameter of 2.3 to 2.5 inches when stimulated (so it’s wide enough for birth).
Women in Kinsey studies said that on average they took just under 4 min. to achieve orgasm, flying solo. Practicing with a partner, however, it took between 10 and 20 min.
And here is one of my favorite factoids concerning men. There is a popular assumption that man think constantly about sex. Globally, life expectancy at birth, for a man, is 65 years. If we assume men start thinking about sex with the advent of puberty, which we’ll assume to be at age 13, that means men will think about sex every 6 seconds for 52 years or 273.5 million times.
It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
Here are the final limericks in Mr. McCord’s limerick construction primer. I thoroughly enjoy reading the work created by such an intelligent man who enjoys his love of poems and limericks as I do. His non-limerick poetry is also outstanding as you will see.
💥💥💥
It’s been a bad year for the moles
Who live just in stockings with holes;
And bad for the mice
Who prefer their boiled rice
Seved in shoes that don’t have any soles.
💥💥💥
There once was a man in the Moon,
But he got there a little too soon.
Some others came later
And fell down a crater,
When was it? Next August? Last June?
💥💥💥
I don’t much exactly quite care
For those cats with short ears and long hair.
But if anything’s worse
It’s the very reverse:
Just you ask any mouse anywhere.
💥💥💥
💥💥💥
So, by chance it may be you’ve not heard
Of a small sort of queer silent bird.
Not a song, trill, or note
Ever comes from his throat.
If it does, I take back every word.
💥💥💥
And last but not least.
Write a limerick now. Say there was
An old man of some place, what he does,
Or perhaps what he doesn’t,
Or isn’t or wasn’t.
Want help with it? Give me a buzz.
💥💥💥
I heard my first limerick when I was about 7 years old when I was eavesdropping on my father and one of his friends. I heard my dad recite this little gem. My love of limericks was born!
everyuselessthing.com 