It’s not often I get surprised especially by anonymous gifts from readers. My surprise occurred a few days ago when I received a fifty-page paperback booklet printed in 1999. It contains a collection of what are titled “Looney Limericks”. I haven’t the faintest idea who sent it but please consider this a big thank you, whoever you are. Here are a few samples of some clean and funny limericks apparently written for children.
Here are the final limericks in Mr. McCord’s limerick construction primer. I thoroughly enjoy reading the work created by such an intelligent man who enjoys his love of poems and limericks as I do. His non-limerick poetry is also outstanding as you will see.
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It’s been a bad year for the moles
Who live just in stockings with holes;
And bad for the mice
Who prefer their boiled rice
Seved in shoes that don’t have any soles.
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There once was a man in the Moon,
But he got there a little too soon.
Some others came later
And fell down a crater,
When was it? Next August? Last June?
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I don’t much exactly quite care
For those cats with short ears and long hair.
But if anything’s worse
It’s the very reverse:
Just you ask any mouse anywhere.
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So, by chance it may be you’ve not heard
Of a small sort of queer silent bird.
Not a song, trill, or note
Ever comes from his throat.
If it does, I take back every word.
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And last but not least.
Write a limerick now. Say there was
An old man of some place, what he does,
Or perhaps what he doesn’t,
Or isn’t or wasn’t.
Want help with it? Give me a buzz.
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I heard my first limerick when I was about 7 years old when I was eavesdropping on my father and one of his friends. I heard my dad recite this little gem. My love of limericks was born!
As promised, here is the second installment of David McCord’s limerick writing primer. He not only shows how to write a limerick but gives excellent examples of the various types you can create.
I’m going to introduce you today to a man who was famous for writing limericks, Mr. David McCord. He was also a philanthropist, writer, and poet who held honorary degrees from 22 universities. He was famous for his work in teaching children to write poetry. This first limerick is a short instruction on who to structure a limerick.
David McCord
The limerick’s lively to write:
Five lines to it – all nice and tight.
Two long ones, two trick
Little short ones, then quick
As a flash here’s the last one in sight.
There are 13 limericks published over fifty years ago and were Mr. McCord’s attempt to explain and teach how to write a limerick. Here are the first four. I’ll post a few each day until the entire collection is in your hands. Maybe they will encourage you to write a few of your own.
There once was a scarecrow named Joel
Who couldn’t scare crows, save his soul.
But the crows put the scare
Into Joel. He’s not there
Anymore. That’s his hat on the pole.
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“There was an old man” of wherever
You like, thus the limerick never
Accounts for the young:
You will find him unsung
Whether stupid, wise, foolish, or clever.
A Rare Non-Dirty Nantucket Limerick
There was a young man let me say,
Of West Pumpkinville, Maine, USA.
You tell me there’s not
Such a place? Thanks a lot.
I forget what he did anyway.
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Take the curious case of Tom Pettigrew
And Hetty, his sister. When Hettigrew
As tall as a tree
She came just to Tom’s knee.
And did Tom keep on growing? You bettigrew.
That’s lesson number one for today. If you read them carefully, he gives excellent rhyming tips and how exactly to structure the limerick. More to follow tomorrow.
I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.
The Egg? Over the years I’ve come to love eggs and eat them as often as I can. Sometimes as an entre and most times added to other dishes. Even though after all these years there’s still certain groups of alleged experts who insist that eggs are unhealthy. To them I give the “one finger salute”. So now we know I love eggs, but I found out recently that eggs have always been the topic of conversations both good and bad for hundreds if not thousands of years. Human beings are superstitious about everything it seems, even the egg. Here are just a few examples.
In the far past eggs were not only a protein source but a source of all magic. They were the universal symbol of the beginning of life, fertility, and resurrection. To watch a baby robin pecking its way out of an eggshell remains an awesome experience.
It is bad luck to bring a bird’s egg into the house.
The yellow yolk of an egg had the power to cast out the evil eye. Egg worshiping cults existed on Easter Island and in numerous places in South America. Ancient Egyptians believed the one supreme life was in the egg. This belief was expressed in their hieroglyphics for their sun god Ra.
Many superstitions about eggs still exist, especially in rural areas. One such belief is that if you see many broken eggs, you will soon have a lawsuit on your hands.
If you find a snake’s egg in a hen’s nest, your friends are really your enemies.
If a woman dreams of eggs, she will quarrel with her friends.
Two yolks in one egg means good luck for the one who eats them.
Eggs laid on Fridays will cure stomach-aches.
Eggs were never a superstition for me, but I did have a quirk or two concerning them. I still refuse to hang out in any bar that doesn’t have a large jar of pickled eggs available. I no longer drink beer but there was many a time I topped off a cold Iron City beer with a raw egg. Tasted great and slid right down.
The limericks for today relate to accidents – more or less fatal. They are basically “G” rated but will certainly help you start your day with a smile. Enjoy . . .
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There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the Fall.
T’would have been a sad thing
If he died in the spring,
But he didn’t – he died in the fall.
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There was a young man of Herne Bay,
Who was making explosives one day.
But he dropped his cigar
In the gun powder jar.
There was a young man of Herne Bay.
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There was a wee girl named Estrella
Who owned an enormous umbrella.
Till one day in a gale
With lightning and hail
The umbrella went up with Estrella
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When a jolly young fisher named Fisher
Went fishing for fish in a fissure,
A fish, with a grin,
Pulled the fishermen in.
Now they’re fishing the fissure for Fisher.
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IT’S MONDAY, START THE WEEK WITH A LAUGH OR A GIGGLE
I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.
Dance the Buttock Jig
Do a Dicky Dunk
Do a Grumble and Grunt
Buzz the Brillo
Peel Your Best End
Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
Take a Trip Up the Rhine
Pray With the Knees Upward
Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
Make the Chimney Smoke
And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.
WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
How about I just throw a little of everything your way on this fine Friday morning. I’ll start with a few apparently unedited newspaper headlines. I certainly hope the editors that approved these don’t get paid too much.
War Dims Hope for Peace
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Next on my list for today are a few retro bumper stickers. They seem to make more sense than these headlines did.
I Don’t Break for Pedestrians
Learn From Your Parents Mistakes-Use Birth Control
I’m Not a Complete Idiot-Some Parts are Missing
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
See, I told you they were better than the headlines. And last but not least, a quote you should be glad you didn’t make. I’m not a fan of either Nancy Pelosi or Barabara Boxer but the award for the stupidest quote goes to Barabara. She won by a nose.
“Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God I’m still alive.” But of course, those who died – their lives will never be the same again.”
everyuselessthing.com 