Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
There are a few things that are unavoidable in life. Death and taxes come to mind but a few others are almost as unavoidable especially if you’re a man. I’ve been around longer than I care to admit and that in itself has inevitably forced me to closely study and attempt to understand the human female. As hard as it is to believe, I’ve made very little progress. On any given day I’m confronted with comments from women about guys “leaving the seat up” or “being difficult to talk to” and a host of other broad-brush criticisms. All I can do is smile a little, say nothing, and be amused by the fact they really don’t understand us either.
Today was a perfect example. I was asked along on one of her famous shopping excursions so I prepared as I always do. I packed my e-reader, one book, and my camera. This is the basic survival equipment required for these short local shopping trips. I also have several other necessities I require for extended shopping trips that last more than three hours including but not limited to binoculars, a back scratcher, a pillow, and a a warm fuzzy blanket. Being a former Boy Scout I’m still a big believer in the motto, “Be Prepared”. I need these things to keep me comfortable as I wait in the car in front of every Kohl’s, Target, Michael’s, and Wal-Mart. The alternative is go in and push a cart around for a mile or two and idiot watch. Do I get any credit for just keeping her company? A big no. It’s always something like “you men, you never want to be with us. You just sit in the car and play with your toys”. How’s that for gratitude? I’ll have you know anything I own that cost me more than $400.00 is no freaking toy. Sorry, it just had to be said but unfortunately only the men are listening.
I have a few other issues with women but no one seems to pay much attention to my thoughts and conclusions. Simple stuff, like why does it take fifteen minutes to pull a car into the garage and get out. I’ve timed my better-half many times and it’s never takes her less than ten minutes. Gotta check the hair and the makeup (for some reason), then she goes through her bags (always carrying at least two), checks the back seat, glove compartment , and possibly her pulse and blood pressure as well. Do I loudly criticize her for these things? Not anymore. I gave up even mentioning them years ago because it was a waste of time. It goes in one ear and directly out the other.
What are my conclusions. I have none. But as a human male who is a long standing member of the Men’s union and a continuing target for female criticisms (valid or otherwise), I’ll keep trying to make sense of it all.
A few juicy wisecracks immediately come to mind but today I’ll ne nice. I won’t use them except in my own defense if she starts getting feisty when she can’t find clothes that will fit. I’ll do my best to convince her it’s not the fault of all the men in the world that she can’t fit her ass into a pair of jeans. I guarantee you she won’t believe a word of it.
This is what I would call a text book example of what a women would consider a normal relationship. They talk and we listen, just perfect.
It’s time once again for this blog to live up to it’s name. Another installment of totally useless information collected during a global search for just about anything that’s even a little bit interesting. I feel that everyone should have a few trivia items that aren’t commonly known to help amaze their friends and possibly win a bar bet or two. Spring is arriving and we need to lighten things up a little so here we go.
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The average housewife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing chores. She walks 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
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President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other—simultaneously! Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other, also simultaneously.
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Attila the Hun was a dwarf. Pepin the Short, Aesop, Gregory of Tours, Charles III of Naples, and the Pasha Hussain were all less than 3 and a half feet tall.
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Edgar Allan Poe and James Abbott McNeill Whistler both went to West Point.
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The Amazon River discharges 4.2 million cubic feet of water per second in the Atlantic Ocean.
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A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.
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Mr. Potato Head was the first toy advertised on television.
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An elephant may consume 500 pounds of hay and 60 gallons of water in a single day.
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Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
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A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
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One million stray dogs and 500,000 stray cats live in New York City metropolitan area. There are about 100 million dogs and cats in the United States. Americans spend more than 5.5 billion on their pets each year. Every hour, 12,500 puppies are born in the US.
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In 2003, the personal fortune of writer J. K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame, surpassed that of the Queen of England.
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A 2005 survey by CareerBuilder.com, 43% of Americans called in sick when there was nothing wrong with them.
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The venom of the king cobra is so deadly that one gram of it can kill 150 people. Just to handle the substance can put one in coma.
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A whale’s heart beats only nine times a minute.
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A good milking cow will give nearly 6,000 quarts of milk every year.
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Under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, leeches and maggots are categorized as medical devices.
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Male moose have antlers 7 feet across. The antlers often weigh 60 pounds.
You should be feeling extra smart right about now. Knowing these fact puts you in a category all your own. I didn’t say it was a good category but you’re definitely in it. You’re now an official trivia nerd and I guess congratulations are in order.
I have a few things that really bother me. I’m sure you do as well just like everyone else. I try not to let them make me too crazy but there are times I could just scream. Nothing really too earth shattering but just a number of little things that nag at me when I have time to sit and think about them. See if you agree.
Vegans – Why do certain people think that refusing to eat meat or fish makes them special. To be a true vegetarian and to stay healthy requires taking vitamin supplements. I love veggies as much as the next guy but only a fool could believe all the hype we’re constantly hearing. Get a clue people. Human beings are classified as omnivores for a reason. We’ve developed to the top of the food chain because of our ability to survive and flourish by eating a variety of both meats and vegetables. Extremes of any kind tend to be a problem for me and this is the perfect example. Oh yeah one more thing, if you’ve ever spent any time at all around Vegans you know their farts are the worst. Eat a burger stinky.
Organic food – This may be the biggest scam going. Slapping an organic label on just about anything gives companies the right to increase prices by at least thirty percent. I’m enough of a skeptic to believe that no checking is really done to verify those claims. Maybe in the future when I make homemade salsa, pickles, apple butter, and other products I’ll label them as organic. It wouldn’t be totally true but who cares. It’s all about making certain people feel like their eating healthy and making them pay for the privilege.
Pre-owned Cars – This is politically correct BS that just makes me crazy. Truth in advertising be damned. A freaking used car is a freaking used car. It’s not pre-owned or anything else. I suspect that once used cars became pre-owned the price just may have suddenly increased overnight. I’d like to meet the fast talking used car salesman that came up with that idea. He should be arrested and then beaten severely about the head and shoulders.
Decaf Coffee – I watched a middle aged and reasonably intelligent looking guy order a decaf coffee at a local donut shop recently and then watched the cashier write on the cup "Decaf". He immediately told the cashier to add a turbo shot of expresso to it as well. He must be married to a woman who requires him to drink only decaf coffee which will help him live fifteen minutes longer. He takes this approach so he can show her the cup to verify his purchase of decaf. If people realized how most decaf coffee was made they’d never drink it again. If you’re going to drink decaf, why bother drinking coffee at all.
Jehovah Witnesses – I’m not religious and having these folks show up unannounced and uninvited on my door step just pisses me off. For years I’d just tell them to go away and stop bothering me. Then I wised up and decided to play along with their routine. On one occasion I was dressed only in a pair of shorts on one hot summer afternoon. A young man and a young woman showed up and I cordially invited them in. As I sat there half naked listening to a few minutes of their bible readings I then went into my routine. I began asking them for all kinds of sexual advice since I was having serious problems with both my wife and my mistress. They were gone within minutes and I was never visited again while I lived there. It was fun too!
Push Up Bras – Let me qualify this one a little. I love shapely women or should I say I’ve loved shapely women but the trend these days with push-up bras is out of control. The last thing I need to see is a fourteen year old teenage girl who has yet to develop hips running around with what little boobs she has pushed up until they’re damn near rubbing on her chin. Just as bad are the adult women who shall we say are well endowed to start with but then wear a push-up bra to make it creepy and nasty looking. Stop the madness girls. Being a bit more subtle is way more sexier than what we’re seeing now.
These are just a few of the things that make me a little crazy. I’ll bet anything that if you’re honest with yourself your list is much longer than mine. Does my whining help fix these issues, not a chance. I have to admit it makes me feel a whole lot better venting to you.
Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of? I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.
I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore. Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud. I’m also sure that some person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others. I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished. It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.
No one has ever approached me about my addiction. My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show. My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion. So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON. I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm. Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.
My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television. I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath. Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week. I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop. It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.
I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.
I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.
From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."
And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing Bacon Sunscreen. Why? According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/28/company-releases-new-bacon-flavored-condoms/#ixzz2OvwKd19w
My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere. Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me. Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame. (Sarcasm Off)
Another winter in Maine is finally taking it’s last freaking gasp and will soon be gone. I have only one thing to say to that, "Good-bye, Good Riddance, and Go Away". In my opinion it’s overstayed it’s welcome by at least two weeks already. It’s much like a house guest who stays too long causing you to start out liking them, then disliking them, and finally detesting them.
I’m sitting in bed refusing to get up and start another day with the same mind crunching routine which I’ve fallen into of late. I first wake up slowly out of odd and strange dreams which usually amuse me, but not today. I make a bathroom pit stop, feed the cat, get my coffee, and return to the bed with my IPad. As I begin writing I’m also thinking about my work list for the day and cringe a little. After ten minutes I return to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and more visualization of the tasks ahead of me.
The room remodel has taken over my days but is much c.loser to completion than this time last week. Ninety percent of the drywall has been installed with the final sheets in place by this coming Friday. Then it’s a few days of sanding, priming, painting, putting up the new fixtures, wall plugs, light switches and baseboards and then DONE.
In order to complete these kinds of projects you really must have the proper motivation or it could stall and never be completed. That’s the job of my better-half. I’ve called her many things over the years but for right now she’s my motivator. Part of her skill set is knowing just when to tweak my nose about things to restart my engines and then haughtily walk away pretending she doesn’t care in the least. Some people might call that passive-aggressive, but not me. I call that motivation with a twist. For example I hear things like this, "Oh honey the room is really shaping up and the drywall looks amazing. It always surprises me that you are able to do this work as well as you do. It looks like there’s a bit of a gap between those two sheets. Is it supposed to be that wide? Will it make the drapes I just bought look like their hanging crooked? Don’t forget to fix that before we start painting." And so it goes!
She has no subtlety at all. She started a week ago arriving home from her shopping trips with questions about what furnishings would look best in the new room. What kind of older, cool looking vanity she would purchase for her huge collection of makeup and lotions. She dragged me out one day to just visit a few stores for an hour or so. I ended up looking at throw rugs and other assorted furnishings for the new room. She’s about as subtle as a hand grenade.
Regardless of all the gamesmanship the room will be completed at least two weeks ahead of schedule. Hooray for me because I’ve been assured and promised there would be no more major projects until next Fall. The translation of that promise is actually this, "Honey, I think the living room is looking too peachy. I’m really sick of that color and maybe we should change it out before any of the summer guests arrive. What do you think?
Like I said, subtle!
I had a relatively interesting day today. I was able to accomplish a few things that weren’t planned and somehow those always seem the best. People joke about spontaneity when discussing love and personal relationships but you never hear it in relation to other things. I have to admit that everything usually returns to people relationships but every once in a while it’s possible to be pleasantly surprised by an unplanned encounter.
My first spontaneous conversation and introduction to someone new occurred this morning. On a regular basis I turn into a recycling, take care of the environment, conscientious "Greenie". Every few weeks or so I trek to a place to recycle bottles, cans, and plastic containers. It’s one of my assigned duties from my better-half to religiously collect all this crap, save it in large bags, and then deliver it for CASH. All of a sudden I didn’t mind recycling if there was cash involved. I agreed to this chore as long as all those nickels remained in my pocket and not into the household general fund. And so began my adventures in doing my part to save the freaking environment.
I manage to make about $20.00 every six weeks thanks in great part to my better-half’s beer bottle contributions and a great number of plastic water bottles. Truth be told it’s a huge pain in the ass but I do it to keep peace in the household which makes the effort worthwhile. Also the cat loves it because all of my pet related expenses are paid for from this small but important fund. If by chance we have a party or a lot of visitors during the summer months I might even I be able to embezzle enough of the cat fund for the odd bottle of gin. Don’t tell the cat because he’s a major league nag and I’d never hear the end of it. Any purchases that aren’t Fancy Feast or special treats will really make him hard to live with.
So I arrive at the recycling center which is a cross between a gigantic, stinky and smelly garbage can and a college frat house on Sunday morning. It truly is a disgusting place where no one stays any longer than necessary. As I enter the building dragging two huge bags of containers I bump into Ryan, the man in charge. In his twenties, six foot three, 60’s hairdo (not quite a mullet), raggedy ass clothes, and an odor just a little less awful than the surrounding piles of bottles and cans that are apparently his entire life. He manually sorts through my bags on a large table, plastic here, cans there, brown bottles over there, and white glass over here. He never writes anything down but when he’s finished, he spends a few seconds on a calculator and hands me a credit slip with my total redemption amount.
I was extremely skeptical when I first started using this facility and for the first five or six deliveries I pre-counted them at home just to check their counting procedures. I never found an error. The guy is freaking amazing but always accurate. I made the mistake today of starting a spontaneous conversation to see if I could distract him or trip him up in some way. We talked for approximately ten minutes while he scurried around sorting and checking the containers. He never missed a beat and his count was right on. The downside was the actual conversation because Ryan is really passionate about bottles and he spent those ten minutes telling me how he counts bottles and then a few war stories about some of his more unusual customers and their quirks.
I was trapped like a rat and couldn’t escape. He held me captive and talked about empty bottles until I just wanted to scream. OMFG! I now know way more than I ever wanted to know about his career choice and why he had the best job ever. I picked up my credit slip and got the hell out of there.
It was a smelly and disgusting experience but interesting in it’s own way. As a former business professional I always appreciated people who were passionate about their jobs. My good buddy, Ryan, was as passionate about his job as anyone I’ve ever met. He loves his job and tries desperately hard to excel at it. He actually tries to supply friendly and smiling customer service in an a garbage pile atmosphere which is amazing in and of itself.
I now know I can finally stop pre-counting my contributions because my bottles and containers are in good hands with Ryan. My cat need never worry about starving because Ryan is on the job.
It’s time for another installment of totally useless information. Normally I supply true facts that are strange, ironic, or unbelievable. Today I’m taking a page from the Main Stream Media who on a regular basis use the jokes told on late night television to gauge certain politicians standing with the American people. I’ve never really understood that type of polling since most of the material used by Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, and O’Brien is written by professional writers hired and directed by their corporate owners. Of course, they’re all totally unbiased politically.
I like a good laugh and joke as much as the next guy so I’ll pass these tidbits along simply as fun "one liners". Since this country thrives on "sound bites" this style of humor is all the rage. I need to enter a disclaimer here because I’m reasonable sure that all of these items are untrue. Enjoy them for what they are, just silly and stupid jokes.
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Einstein estimated that his Theory of Relativity got him laid more than one hundred times.
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The United States border with Mexico is over 2000 miles long but only six inches wide.
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Montana is the only state where "horseplay" is illegal.
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Ninety six percent of all wrong numbers involve a guy saying, "Larry?"
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Scientists who’ve been studying pigeons agree that they’re definitely up to something.
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In Westchester, NY, there is a barber named Tony DeBarber.
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Newton’s Fourth Law states "No fat chicks".
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Christopher Welden of Columbus, OH, is the only person ever to actually "laugh all the way to the bank".
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While their still not allowed to drive cars, as of May 2006, Saudi Arabian women may operate riding lawn mowers.
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During a screening of Neil Simon’s The Goodbye Girl at the Vatican, someone asked the Pope to remove his hat.
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When held by a person more than seven feet tall a ladle is just called a "spoon".
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In response to continued complaints the Campbell’s Soup company has removed the letter "F" from their alphabet soup.
Well there you have it. The first dirty dozen useless tidbits that might just make you smile but there are certainly no guarantees.
I’ve decided to have a quiet and restful day today to catch my breathe and relax a little. My better-half is off to work in my car since her vehicle took a hissy fit this morning and refused to start (allegedly). I was awakened by her at 5:00 am from a wonderfully deep sleep to be brought up to speed about her car. It’s moments like that for me that test the limits of any relationship.
I became just conscious enough to tell her where my car keys were and for her to take my car. I immediately attempted to fall back to sleep but as you all know once your awakened it’s sometimes impossible. I laid in bed for another half hour and finally gave up. I threw on some clothes, had a cup of really awful coffee, and headed to the garage to address her problem.
You must understand that my better-half has super powers never before seen on this planet. She is Anti-Technology Girl and has the ability to just look at a piece of technology or machinery and cause it to not work. I cringe every time she walks by any of my computer equipment because sometimes that’s all it takes. She has the ability to cause any device with virtually no moving parts to malfunction repeatedly but only when she’s using it. It’s freaking scary sometimes.
She can pick up a brand new remote control that was working properly for me five minutes ago and have it fail. I try to humor her but at times it’s just not possible. Her list is endless; computers that make errors that are impossible for them to make, her car that never had a problem starting won’t start, and on and on it goes with no possible explanations from her.
Being the trained observer that I am I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem just might be her. She can’t set the time on a clock, she can’t do anything on a computer without retraining every week, and I’m the guy who gets to spend his life following her around to fix these problems.
All of that being said I just knew that when I arrived in the garage this morning that her car would start. I climbed into the car, turned the key, and it started immediately without any weird sounds or hesitation whatsoever. Oh, did I forget to mention what the first thing she asked me in my groggy half-awake state? "What did you do to my car? That statement alone should tell you the rest of the story.
It’s not often she’s rendered speechless about anything but when I called to tell her the car was fine I received a full five seconds of dead silence. I should call the Guinness World Record people since in my experience that is a world record if there ever was one.
Now I’m free to go about my life knowing I’ve solved another of her hundreds of mysterious problems that seem to fix themselves as soon as I arrive. That’s what every successful relationship is I suppose; give and take, good and bad, and about a ton of BS you both have to ignore to survive together.
Ain’t love grand.
I just spent a little quality time with my snowblower this morning. With another huge snowstorm coming our way I thought she might need a little pep talk before I send her out into another nasty old snow storm. I don’t think she was too happy to hear about this storm because she refused to talk to me or even look me in the eye. Snowblowers can be so temperamental if they’re not treated like God’s gift to all snowblowers. I gassed her up, wiped the dirt from her beautiful red body, gently checked her oil, and then rubbed her all over with a clean rag. It’s strange that this entire routine reminds me more than just a little of most of my previous relationships. I baby them, pamper them, feed them, clothe them, make love to them, and then maybe just maybe they’ll do something I request. I did say MAYBE because it’s never ever been a sure thing anyway.
It’s always amazed me just how all things seem to be related in so many ways. There are millions of men out there who love using sports metaphors to explain almost everything but since I’m not a sports fanatic I tend to go my own way. As with women most vehicles and machinery require exactly the same treatment if you expect to get anything in return. Cars, garden tractors, leaf blowers, wood chippers, and even things as small as battery operated face massagers need some TLC occasionally. I’ve found that bathing them regularly and talking softly to them really goes a long way to keeping them happy and working properly. As in all things a few loving caresses here and there won’t hurt either.
They all require constant attention and if they don’t get it then problems will almost certainly ensue. So men, always remember that all of your mechanical devices require all of your time and effort to keep them happy. God help you if they think they’re being ignored, there will be hell to pay.
All of my former vehicles demanded on occasion a nice warm bath as well as a vigorous rubdown with scented cleaners. I recommend that you make that part of your maintenance regime, you won’t be sorry. Spending a little time, effort, and gentleness will pay off in a big way if you play your cards right.
Talk to your vehicles as much as you can and never walk by without a gentle touch and a kind word. Snuggle up in those nice soft seats and don’t be afraid to gently stroke her every so often.
Give it a try and you won’t believe the results. Buy her a sweet smelling air freshener and maybe a cute set of floor mats and she’ll follow you anywhere. Gas her up regularly and maybe she’ll let you take her out on the expressway and blow the carbon out of her pipes and yours as well.
Just saying.
I’m celebrating today because yesterday I received a letter from my doctor. Truthfully, it’s not the kind of letter I like receiving but it is what it is and unfortunately for me it’s colonoscopy time again. Before I go much further I like to throw out a huge thank you to my late mother Janet. It’s her medical history and genetic inheritance that requires me to have these procedures. Her history of colon cancer and cancerous polyps has placed me at the head of the line for frequent colonoscopies. Thanks a lot Mom.
It all started for me in 2004 when my new doctor at that time was reviewing my medical history and gave me the bad news that colonoscopies were about to become a huge part of my life. I had no knowledge of what colonoscopies were at that time but I was to find out rather quickly how much fun they weren’t. As the first colonoscopy approached I was directed to pick up a “Colonoscopy Preparation Kit” at my doctors office. It contained a gallon of liquid and a couple of pouches of powder that were to be mixed together and consumed the night before the procedure. I actually laughed when he told me that I had to drink that entire gallon in one sitting (no pun intended). He also warned me not to wander too far from a bathroom which I failed to take all that seriously. Big gigantic mistake number one.
Being the obedient person that I am I followed his instructions to the letter and discovered very quickly that his warnings were not to be taken lightly. I was sitting quietly on my deck when I felt a rumble. It felt like a very small earthquake tremor at first but immediately I realized I might be more than a few steps too far from the closest bathroom. I became a cross between Mt. Vesuvius and a high pressure fire hose. I almost made to the bathroom but not quite. Big gigantic mistake number two.
After a hour of sitting, then an hour of cleanup I was cleansed inside and out and ready to go. I was very nervous about the procedure but after receiving some really excellent drugs I was ready for anything. I remember vaguely my ass hanging out in the wind and a number of people back there talking and looking around. The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room, a much more humble person to be sure.
The good news was that my first colonoscopy experience was over and the bad news was given to me later by the doctor. I’d be required to do this every three years for the rest of my effing life. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact but I understand how important these procedures are to extending my life.
Since that first experience I’ve had three additional colonoscopies and I hate to admit it but I think I’m getting used to them. The first one they knocked me out with drugs, the second one I took a lighter drug dose and was able to remain semi awake and able to listen to the doctors and nurses as they reamed me out. The third one I took an even smaller dose of drugs and was able to talk with the doctor while he was doing the procedure and they even brought in a small television so I could see exactly what the camera stuck up my butt was showing the doctor. I don’t think I’ll do that again because that was a little weird. It was like looking down a long pink and disgusting tunnel. That’s one TV show I think I’ll pass on the next time around. I’ll just stick to the good drugs, take a short nap, and deal with my sore butt later.
I should gladly note that these procedures failed to find any major problems for which I’m exceedingly grateful. They’re actually a very efficient way for early detection and treatment of what could be a life threatening situation. When your told for the first time that you need to have a colonoscopy, just smile, drink your laxatives, and enjoy the drugs. It could save your life.
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