Archive for the ‘insanity’ Tag
Over the years many readers who I assumed were somewhat religious, have asked me what my religious beliefs are. Many think I’m anti-religion but in truth I’m not. I’m anti-organized religions. Religions have their usefulness and have accomplished many wonderful things but at the same time organized religions have also been responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people and that’s where I have a serious problem. Organized religions are much like the old labor unions. They served their purpose for decades but then became corrupted (in my opinion) by politics and MONEY. They’ve morphed into political money making machines by actually demanding a percentage of our hard earned money for doing little or nothing for us. Everyone agrees there’s only one God but unless your worshipping that god in their specific way your considered by some to be anti-religion or an infidel.
We are approaching what was once a highly religious holiday season that has been rearranged to include “Black November sales, Black Friday sales, a steady stream of Amazon ads, plus hours and hours of mind-numbing commercials. The only people worshipping anything these days are the millions of scammers, porch pirates, and the occasional actual religious person.
Let’s review for a moment the history of humanity as applied to their weird and confusing religious beliefs. In my opinion our new god is the almighty dollar. Which one of these religions would be a good fit for you and your family?
- In Thailand there is a religious group who worship the almighty penis. Their shrine is crammed full of phalluses of all types and sizes. They are gaily painted and hung with garlands of flowers. Many women claim miracle pregnancies after making a pilgrimage to the shrine.
- Apparently in India they believe you should go big or go home. In the state of Karnataka there is a 100 foot high penis and a incredible collection of over eight million penises.
- The Japanese have a shrine at Kanamara Matsuri, where the yearly penis festival is held on the first Sunday of April. People parade through the streets with pink penises in hand and they even supply penis shaped lollipops for their children.
- In India has a “Cargo Cult”. The locals worship Prince Philip as a divine being. It started in the 1950’s and continues to this day. I guess we should add him to the endless list of saviors along with Jesus Christ and Mohammad.
- Doll worshipers exist in Mexico where there is a shrine containing a fifty year collection of dolls.
- There is a Daoist Shrine to “Lady Datuk” in Singapore who was a young girl found dead in the hills during WWI.
- In 2005 a man named Bobby Henderson started an alternative school in the United States called the church of the “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism”. The religion went viral.
- There is cat worhipping in a number of countries.
The list of possible religions just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Don’t forget L. Ron Hubbard who started the infamous Scientology religion. My final conclusion is that the Humans Race is insane. We are stupid, vain, and insecure but still consider ourselves to be highly religious. Make your choice of a belief system very carefully. When you get to the Pearly Gates to be judged you might be surprised to discover that St. Peter is just a giant pink penis with a pet cat.
☯️🕎✡️✝️☪️
AMEN (and Merry X-mas) TO ALL OF YOU INSANE AND INSECURE HUMANS
👮🏻♂️🚓👮🏻♀️
My life has been relatively interesting even though I spent a large part of that life in courthouses, courtrooms, and dealing with an ungodly number of attorneys, both good, bad, and some really bad. The general rule of mine was to ignore almost everything attorneys said to me and that served me well for three decades. They made me a believer of an old saying quoted by Edgar Allen Poe, “BELIEVE ONLY HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE AND NOTHING YOU HEAR”. I have a few friends that are actually very good attorneys and that just tells me there are exceptions to every rule. Today’s post is one of my favorite stories about attorneys. If and when you’re ever required to hire an attorney make sure you don’t get one like the one I’m about to tell you about.
Clement Vallandigham was an attorney and former US Congressman. In 1871, while defending a murder suspect in court, he argued that the alleged victim had not been murdered and could’ve accidently shot himself. Vallandigham took out a gun, held it as if at the scene of the crime and thinking it was unloaded, he pulled the trigger. Good news: He proved his point and his client was acquitted. Bad news: Vallandigham died from an accidental gunshot wound to the head.
JUST PLED TEMPORARY INSANITY FOR EVERYTHING
I’m feeling a little weird today as you’ll see when you read the following post. I always like to have a reasonable amount of weirdness in my life but today I have more than my share. Therefore, I’ll pass the following items on to you to help me shed some of my current level of weirdness. Oh yeah, “You’re welcome.”
- An agoraphobic man who had vowed never to leave his house again after he was assaulted at age 18 decided, after 30 years of self-induced imprisonment, to take a walk outside. But the strain of being outside was too much for him and he suffered a heart attack while strolling along.
- A man was speeding down the highway at 110 mph when he struck the rear of a car, immediately killing the two people inside. The victims? The man’s mother and her elderly neighbor, who she was taking on a leisurely drive to see the town’s Christmas lights.
- Author Morgan Robertson wrote his story of a gigantic luxury ship, the Titan, in 1898. In his fictional tale, the ship, advertised as unsinkable, hits an iceberg and tragic tragically goes down, killing many passengers and crew. In 1912, the real-life ship the Titanic met a shockingly similar fate.
- A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped his gun. The gun hit the ground, went off, and the bullet lodged in the robber’s foot.
“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.”
Edgar Allen Poe
- A wealthy Connecticut woman named Helen Dow Peck believed messages she received from Ouija boards. One day in 1919, the board spelled out that she should leave her entire estate to a man named John Gale Forbes. She did but the only problem was she didn’t know anybody by that name. In fact, after she died in 1956, her lawyer did a search throughout the world and discovered that, despite what all the all-knowing spirits had said, there was nobody with that name.
- Four men dressed like Elvis Presley jumped out of a plane to promote a Boston nightclub opening in 1996. Three of them lived, but one unlucky Elvis died when he caught a gust of wind and was blown out to sea.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many
things that escape those who dream only at night.”
Edgar Allan Poe
HUMAN RIGHTS SHOULD INCLUDE WEIRDNESS
I thought today I’d look into a little more history because that’s what I love to do. For years I was obsessed with reading about the Roman Empire and all of the associated craziness that went on during those years but it’s time to move on to the Middle Ages. To say it wasn’t a great time to be alive would be an understatement, those folks were crazy. I’m going to summarize a number of things that went on during that time and you’ll all be glad that you weren’t there.
Christian Charity 1505
The new Portuguese viceroy, Francisco D’Almeida, sailed for India via the east coast of Africa. His men mutilated every Arab they found, cutting off the right hands of the man and the ears and noses of the women. Arriving in Goa, they proceeded to slaughter all 8000 Muslims in the city.
Over-Armed 1516
The Turks armed one of their galleys with an artillery piece so massive that when it went into action against the Portuguese, the recoil of the gun causing the vessel to capsized killing many of the crew.
Additional Christian Charity 1533
Faced with the prospect of being burned to death by the Spanish, Atahuallpa, the last emperor of the Incas, converted to Christianity. He was thus spared being burned at the stake and was then publicly garroted instead.
The Witch with Three Breasts 1536
Henry VIII’s second wife, Anne Boleyn, was beheaded, having been accused of adultery, incest, and witchcraft. In support of this last charge, it is said that she not only had 11 fingers on one hand but also three breasts – although the third nipple, supposedly used for suckling the devil, was actually a mole on her neck.
Assaulted by the Amazons 1542
On his epic voyage down the Amazon, Francisco de Orellana was attacked by a tribe of tall, white women, whose private parts were covered but otherwise unclothed. It was in honor of these warrior women that he gave the Amazon River its name.
That’s just five easy examples as to why no one would ever have wanted to live in the Middle Ages. The more I read about it, the worse it gets. Today the Christians claim that the Muslims are rabid-dog killers, but history reveals that the Christians were just as bad. I guess I’ll count my blessings that I live in an age where I don’t need a religious label to determine how I feel about things. I’m up to my neck in more examples like these and at some point, in the future, I’ll post a few more tidbits but it’s truly depressing as hell. The biggest mistake as I see it is never to mix religion and politics. It absolutely brutal.
RELIGION IS THE BEST (SARCASM OFF)
Have you ever had the pleasure of watching the movie, Adventures in Babysitting? I’ve loved that movie for years but living through the actual thing isn’t quite as satisfying. This past week has been an adventure for sure.
I’m officially awarding my better-half my version of the Medal of Honor. She was the main caregiver for two short and lovable little terrorists. I was involved as well but to a lesser degree and thank God for that. Just picture the situation. Both parents left on vacation and were off to LA LA Land. It was the first time that the two boys aged 1 and 3 were separated from their parents and someone had to pay and it was us, the grandparents. OMG!
My better-half may need a week or more to recuperate because they absolutely wore her out, took a short nap, and then wore her out again. She has the patience of a saint but I do not. She made a point of getting me involved as much as she possibly could and I’ll never let her hear the end of that. They drove me to the edge and when I wasn’t looking they kicked me into the abyss.
Diapers, noise, fighting, throwing stuff, and that was on the good days. I never thought I’d see the day when a one year old maniac would bean me with a toy truck as I sat and watched Alvin and the Chipmunks with his big brother for the umpteenth time. I know it’ll take weeks to get that damn theme song out of my head again.
I never realized that walking from my bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night could be so treacherous. It was like trying to tiptoe through a Lego minefield. I’m sure the pain in my foot will fade in a few weeks and I really do believe I look pretty cool walking with a slight limp.
Thank God their parents returned home last night and my better-half did what could be called a family drive-by. Drive to their home, dump the kids, jump back into the car and escape. I had a cold beer waiting for her and our living room had been cleared of most of the debris left in their wake. Two huge sighs of relief and a much needed moment of silence to thank the Gods this week was over.
We slept in this morning, had our delicious cups of coffee, and paused to enjoy the quiet. All in all the week was a success with no injuries, sicknesses, or fatalities. I saw my cat this morning and unfortunately he may have been traumatized permanently. We’ll have to wait and see about that.
IT WAS A GREAT WEEK
I’m still on my first cup of coffee this morning. I’ve been awake for an hour and only left my bed once. I’m relaxing and preparing for my day which I hope will remain calm and restful. I’m trying to decide what I’ll be doing with my unexpected few days of vacation I’m on. Anyone who is in a lengthy relationship knows that any day your spouse or partner is away doing something is a free vacation (mental health) day. We certainly never tell them that’s how we feel but facts are facts.
My better-half has once again volunteered to help out her daughter and son-in-law by babysitting their children for three days while they’re on vacation in Los Angeles. I volunteered to stay at our home while she travels to their residence to be with the kids. She’ll be staying there until the weekend and it’s my job to arrive in a timely fashion with takeout meals and moral support. That’s the kind of job I really like. For a change I’m able to avoid a total commitment of my time and energy to others and to enjoy my alone time Hooray for me.
I get to spend my day working on a painting I started a few days ago for which I need real peace and quiet to do. I hope to make serious progress over the next three days while listening to music that soothes me instead of hurting my ears. It could be as close to heaven as I can get these days and I intend to make the most of it. It will end soon enough.
My biggest chore for today is to decide what food I need to buy for their dinner and when to deliver it to her and the kids. I suspect she’ll be damn glad to see me after chasing the two toddlers, two dogs, and two cats around the house for half a day. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy but she seems to love it. I’d better remember to throw a couple of cold beers into the food bag as well. It’ll be just like tossing a life vest to a drowning man.
Well, I’d like to keep writing but my stomach is rumbling and wants to be fed. I’ll make us a delicious breakfast, drink another cup of excellent coffee, and count my blessings once again. I can picture in my head my better-half, the two little boys, two dogs, and two cats all snuggled together in bed for the next two nights. I can’t help but smile a little and when no ones around to hear I can laugh my ass off.
Special Note to Self: Be sure to give her a thorough flea and tick inspection upon her return. We don’t need any tiny livestock catching a ride to our house.
WHO DOESN’T LOVE VACATION DAYS
‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’
How is your holiday season progressing? Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures? All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical.
The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today. I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud. After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of. You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!
Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:
Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well. I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait. At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:
I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.
Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body. I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.
‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’
I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.
I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.
This post will probably be confusing for some of you because there isn’t any rhyme or reason behind what I’ll be writing. I’ve been very busy of late with a lot of little stuff that needs to be handled before the holidays officially arrive. Just keep your hands and feet inside the car, this ride may get a little bumpy.
My life has changed dramatically in the last month due to my elimination of live cable television. I’m happy to announce that I haven’t watched more than ten minutes of commercials, ads, or television shopping channels for over a month. It took me a few weeks to get the hang of streaming and I’ve been able to locate and avoid those few channels that still insist on running commercials. It’s truly a game changer. I have more freedom to watch what I please when I please and no scheduling of my time in order to watch a specific program. No more waiting for commercial breaks to make bathroom runs, I just hit the pause and Ta Da. I also like watching what once was an hour long show in 43 minutes, minus all those damn commercials. Life has gotten seriously better.
The better-half’s birthday has come and gone and was a great success. She loved her gifts, the wine, and that big, fat, medium rare T-bone steak. I tried to be as romantic as possible and I think I pulled it off rather well. Here’s my lame attempt at a table setting on our crazy retro dining room set.
I’d like to officially thank the cow that made the ultimate sacrifice for our meal. Tender and soft as marshmallows washed down with a semi-sweet Merlot. Yummmmm!
I’ve been diligently working towards having all things Christmas, purchased, wrapped, and hidden away by Thanksgiving. That will free up my time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the better-half’s decorating slave. First the tree, then the lights, then tinsel, then motorized talking and singing toys scattered throughout the house. I can only pray that my first gift will be a noise-cancelling headset.
Here’s some bad news. Last night I was strong-armed into watching the first Christmas movie of the season. That’s right, a Christmas movie on November 15. Please just shoot me now.
Three days ago I was dragged kicking and screaming to the Mall. It was a typical mall trip which bored the hell out of me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the mall surrounded by herds of screaming kids being chased by their parents. Thank God for my Kindle. The best part of my visit consisted of my standing near a small kiosk and allowing a really hot young lady to place heat packs on my neck. I let her go on and on with her sales pitch and finally walked away without making a purchase. My neck felt a lot better and so did my morale. 
I have a few more gifts to wrap today and I think I’m be totally finished with Christmas preparations. With that goal being met I think I’ll then deserve a tall, cold, and refreshing Gin and Tonic later this afternoon.
I hope your holiday craziness isn’t too overwhelming. Before you know it 2016 will be here and we can start preparing for next Christmas. Are we all insane or is it just me?
The ice and snow is finally melting. It would appear that we’ve seen the last of the big Winter storms for this year. While the temperatures are in the mid- forties during the day the nights remain cold as hell. It’s a great trade off as far as I’m concerned. We still have tons of snow and ice on the roof of the house but it’s already been reduced by at least twenty percent. The remainder should fall this week as it appears to have moved a few inches with this minor thaw.
‘When this ice hits the ground the entire house will shake.’
I made a trip to Lowe’s in preparation for the rebuilding of my mailbox for the third year in a row. If I had the extra money I might even consider a small yet annoying lawsuit against the town to demand repayment for all of the mailboxes they’ve destroyed over the years. From the looks of things as I drive around I’m just one of thousands who have the same complaint.
‘I know this looks almost usable but the door won’t close and the pole it sits on is missing. Take away the snow and it will be sitting on the ground.’
I’ve come up with a creative solution to the mailbox problem which will require me to spend a bit more money than I’d like. If it works I won’t be buying any more mailboxes in the future. As that project proceeds I’ll post some photo’s so all of you that don’t suffer from this problem can have a chuckle or two.
‘This is a sample of one of the many Maine seasons. We have Summer, Snow, Snirt (Snow/Dirt), Mud, and Black Fly. This is SNIRT.’
The sun is shining this morning and I’m anticipating a decent day where I might actually get out of the house and into the woods. This year has been one that made it difficult to get out and about even with snowshoes. I tried it once and was exhausted within minutes. With three feet of snow on the ground even snowshoes can’t help. I think today I’ll get my car desalted, take a few pictures and celebrate seeing actual pavement for the first time in months. I may have to be retrained to drive on real dry asphalt.
C’mon Spring!
Today is that day that occurs every six weeks or so and honestly it’s not one of my favorites. Let me explain.
First, regardless of what you know or think you know I’m not a fanatical environmentalist. I’m a former Greenpeace member who bailed out on them when they decided to turn their attentions to banning nuclear power. I’m a former Sierra Club member who decided that any organization that puts the needs of animals before humans regardless of the consequences is too extreme for me. I’m also militantly against organizations like PETA and the idiots that run them.
Now let me confuse you further. Up until 8 years ago I NEVER recycled anything. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about the environment but I just didn’t see any long term benefits that required an investment of my time. I understand the need for it now but for the most part I didn’t take it seriously then.
When I met my better-half and after we decided to be together FOREVER my brainwashing began. In any relationship it’s mandatory that each participant be willing to compromise on certain things to maintain harmony. My better-half is convinced that by recycling she will save the world. Totally naïve but understandable. Unfortunately the town of Saco, Maine where we live apparently agrees with her. We’re now forced to recycle by the local government which in turn gives her even more ammunition to use against me. Separate the paper and plastic into the brown container and all of that good old fashioned trash into the green container. If you don’t obey the rules the town will refuse to pick up your trash. Heil Hitler to you too.
All of my working life experiences and accomplishments have now been turned on their head. Every six weeks or so I’m required to make a trip to a local recycling center to cash in bags of bottle and cans. I was coerced into maintaining those containers at our residence where each days bottles and cans can be collected and stored. Now part of my garage smells suspicious like that dumpy recycling center. If you like the smell of stale beer and garbage you too can be an environmentalist.
We live in a rural area and use a well as our primary source of water. Unfortunately well water is notorious for heavy mineral content and the occasional smell of rotten eggs. So for cooking, coffee making, and normal consumption we use bottled water purchased from local retailers. My new career as forced upon me by my better-half has reduced me to the level of a homeless guy wandering the streets collecting bottles and cans to save a nickel or two.
So every six to eight weeks I bundle up bags of bottles and cans, put the stinky crap in my car, and head out to collect my seven dollars. It supplies me with just enough money to pay for my cat’s needs. His food, treats, and litter are now paid for by my endless recycling efforts. To tell you the truth I’d much rather just pay for it myself and stop all this madness but this is the compromise I must make to maintain this Garden of Eden we live in and all of the benefits it provides.
Oh yeah, I’m also saving the freaking world too. Brother !!!
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