Archive for the ‘photography’ Tag
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
💥💥💥
An obese old broker named Kip
Took a very fat girl on a trip.
He was talking of stock
When he put in his cock.
At the end she said: “Thanks for the tip.”
🤪🤪🤪
There was a young lady from Ghent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When a man asked her to dine,
Fed her whiskey and wine.
She knew what it meant – but she went.
😎😎😎
There was a young lecher named Lapp,
Who thought condoms were just so much crap.
Said he: “All of us he-men
Like to scatter our semen.”
Three weeks later he still had the clap.
🙃🙃🙃
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she’d been deflowered
When she bent over as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥💥
RATED PG
(Thanks Ray Allen Billington)
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
I’m feeling quite miscellaneous today. This last week has been a huge pain in the ass with two days of no electric or internet, and the never-ending smartphone interruptions. Add to that an ice storm and finally a visit to my least favorite doctor, my dentist. Things are now back in to normal (whatever the hell that means). Here is a Mish Mosh of trivia items that caught my interest earlier today, so let’s get this started with a list of ten actual pornographic movie titles that were takeoffs of real Hollywood movies.
Tiger’s Wood
Edward Penishands
Beverley Hills 9021-Ho!
Pulp Friction
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Forest Hump
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Titty Titty Gang Bang
May the Foreskin Be With You
Girth, Wind, and Fire
Here are a few tidbits of mostly obscure information on a few of Hollywood’s endless supply of alleged celebrities.
- Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer of TV fame is a trained rifle sniper.
- One of the few celebrities I like is Mel Brooks. Most people don’t realize that he fought in the Battle of the Bulge during World War II.
- Many of you will remember the late James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) who was shot six times during the D-Day landings in World War II.
- The word “fuck” appears more than 265 times in the 1994 film Pulp Fiction.
- As a follow-up here are a few facts from the 1998 movie The Big Lebowski. The word “fuck” is spoken 292 times, the word dude is spoken 161 times, and the word man 147 times.
- The male lead in The Terminator was initially offered to O.J. Simpson and Mel Gibson. They both turned it down and Schwarzenegger stepped in.
- Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger earned roughly $21,490 per word in the movie The Terminator. He received $15 million for the role and spoke only 700 words.
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY, PLEASE!
Here is another installment of some moderately disgusting 1980’s humor. How can you not appreciate the “good old days” and their “unwoke” attitude?
- Why are women like pianos? When they’re not up right, their grand!
- What do you have if you use Kaopectate, Clearasil and birth control pills? No runs, no zits, no errors!
- What’s the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Old age!
- What are the two stages of being a husband? When you want to be faithful but are not, and when you want to be faithful but cannot!
- What is it in the spring air that causes girls to get pregnant? Their legs!
- How many men suffer from wet dreams? Nobody suffers from wet dreams!
- What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
- Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blondes!
- What is French asthma ? You can only catch your breath in snatches.
- What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree, but a gynecologist just peeks inside your bush!
Here is one of my all-time favorites.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find that you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time find out you can’t do it the first time!
LUV THE EIGHTIES
How old are you? It’s a valid question that most people ask about a stranger when discussing them with a third-party, “He’s about 20 years old.”. People who are in their 20’s think people in their 30’s are old while people in their 30’s think people in their 50’s are old. It’s all relative and silly but we do it all the time without really thinking about it. In my case I think anyone younger than 60 is just a stupid kid and that should show you how really stupid it is to judge a person by their age. Today’s post is going to list some interesting accomplishments by the age of the person doing them. Using age as way to judge someone is just ridiculous as these examples will show you.
At the Age of 1
Mary, of the House of Stewart, became Queen of Scotland.
Brooke Shields was selected as the Ivory Snow baby.
At the Age of 2
Judy Garland launches her stage career.
Isabella II ascends to the Spanish throne.
At the Age of 3
Albert Einstein speaks for the first time.
Alice Liddell first meets Charles Dodgson (pen name of Lewis Carol) who later used her as inspiration to write Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
At the Age of 4
Malcolm Little (who later changed his name to Malcolm X) watches as his family’s home was burned to the ground by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Bob Hope emigrates from England to the United States
At the Age of 5
Devora Wilson, Mountain climber, scales a 4000-foot peak.
Christopher Robin Milne hears the first “Winnie the Pooh” story, with himself as the main character, made up by his father, A. A.
At the Age of 6
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart gives keyboard concerts across Europe.
Shirley Temple receives an honorary Oscar for her contribution to film.
Ron Howard stars as Opie in TV’s, The Andy Griffith Show.
At the Age of 7
Helen Keller, blind and deaf, master’s a vocabulary of 625 words.
Carol Brown, who travels more than an hour daily to attend a distant school because as a black she is denied admission to the local all-white school, motivates her father to file a lawsuit, resulting in the landmark Brown V. Board of Education Supreme Court decision which finds public-school segregation to be unconstitutional.
😉😉😉
My Credentials
Age 1 – Flung my full diaper at my mother.
Age 2 – Spoke my first word (Shit!)
Age 3 – Drew my first tree.
Age 4 – Threw up on my sister.
Age 5 – Drank my first drink of alcohol (bottle of perfume)
Age 6 – Ran away from school (police found me later)
MY PARENTS WERE SOOOO PROUD
I’m about to do something I promised myself I wouldn’t ever do. Today I’m going to post three truly lewd and disgusting limericks. This is to appease a small number of readers who’ve been begging and bugging me for months to print some filth. It’s not something I want to do but I will do it albeit with a slight twist. As you read these three limericks you may notice a large number of asterisks. It’s part of the twist for you to determine the missing letters. That’s the best I can do for all you pervs out there, so enjoy.
☘️☘️☘️
There was an old man of Corfu
Who fed on c**t-juice and s**w.
When he couldn’t get that,
He ate what he shat –
And bloody good s**t he shat, too.
🌶️🌶️🌶️
There was a young man of Glengarridge,
The fruit of a scrofulous marriage.
He s***ed off his brother
And b***ed his mother,
And ate up his sister’s mis****iage.
☘️☘️☘️
Said an elderly whore named Arlene,
“I prefer a young lad of eighteen.
There’s more cr**m in his larder,
And his p**ker gets h***der,
And he f**ks in a manner obscene.”
💩💩💩
I love finding odd facts. Her are a collection of fifteen interesting and somewhat puzzling tidbits.
- 60% of sports related injuries occur during practice.
- Golf may be considered a benign sport, but can carry a risk of injury and death, most often from lightning, power lines, heart attack, and heatstroke.
- Experts estimate that more than 21 billion diapers are dumped into US landfills each year.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence.
- Omorashi is a fetish subculture in Japan dedicated to arousal from the feeling of having a full bladder.
- The average human will spend three years on the toilet during his lifetime.
- The most germ laden place on the toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl: it’s the handle.
- Feces in the water supply causes 10% of the world’s communicable diseases.
- Women are up to five times more likely than men to have urinary incontinence problems, primarily due to the trauma the body experiences during pregnancy and childbirth.
- More Americans choke on toothpicks than any other object. Toothpicks injure approximately 9000 people every year.
- Thanks to the technology like TV screens in grocery stores and airports, cell phone videos, and digital movie libraries, the average American sees 61 minutes of ads and promotions each day.
- A bezoar is a ball of swallowed fiber or hair that gathers in the stomach and get stuck in the intestines.
- Ancient Romans used human urine as an ingredient in their toothpaste.
- A mummified hand has been on display in City Hall in Munster, Germany for 400 years. It belonged to a notary who falsely certified a document, and had his hand chopped off as punishment, then displayed as a warning.
- The world’s oceans contain enough salt to cover every continent to a depth of approximately 500 feet.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING
Now that the NFL season has come to a close for me, I can mourn for a few months until the baseball season starts. Then I’ll have yet another team that will tease me and disappoint me like they’ve done for 20 years and offering nothing in return. After the letdown of the Steeler loss, I decided that posting today would be a real crap shoot. Since I’m something of a science nerd, let me lay some interesting facts out for you that you may have not heard of before. No more sports postings for the foreseeable future. Let’s get started…
- 7% of licensed drivers in the United States are 16 and 17-year-olds, and they are responsible for 30% of all automobiles fatalities.
- The driest place on Earth is Calama, in the Atacama Desert in Chile. Not a drop of rain has ever been seen there.
- Using cesium atoms, the clock at the National Bureau of Standards in Washington, D.C., will gain or lose only one second in 300 years.
- The lowest point that a person can get on this planet, unless he/she descends in a submarine, is where the Jordan River enters the Dead Sea – 1298 below sea level.
- In terms of the resources he will use in his lifetime and the pollution he will cause; one citizen of the United States is the equivalent of approximately 80 citizens of India.
- Modern archaeologists have not yet agreed on how large a crowd the Coliseum in Rome could hold in its glory days. One authority estimates 50,000, but about 45,000 is the generally accepted figure.
- An acre of typical farm soil (to a depth of 6 inches) has a ton of fungi, several tons of bacteria, 200 pounds of protozoa (one celled animals) and 100 pounds of yeast.
- To provide a modern person with all of life’s necessities and luxuries, at least 20 tons of raw materials must be dug from the earth each year.
- There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower.
- The English astronomer Edmund Halley prepared the first detailed mortality tables, in 1693. Life-and-death could then be studied statistically, and the life insurance business was born.
💗KARMA IS PHYSICS PERSONIFIED💗
EMILY
***
I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
Till ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!
And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men.”
Quote of the Day
“When the grasshopper gathers strength to hop, it does not
know where it will land. So, it often is with poets.”
Gerald Brenan
🤪🤪🤪
Joke of the Day #1
At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance. While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.” A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She replies,”Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.” Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.” She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
☘️☘️☘️
Limerick of the Day
There was a young lady from Fort Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men ask her to dine,
Gave her roses and wine –
She knew what it meant, but she went!
🤡🤡🤡
Joke of the Day #2
Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. Today he got out and his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and jumped into the car. The only thing he said was, “F.F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.” Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.” She immediately responded simply, “E.F.” He repeated it once again, “F.F.” She again replied loudly, “E.F.” “Mom! Dad! What the hell is going on?” Bernie quietly answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”
🤗🤗🤗
Wisdom of the Day
Conventional wisdom is to wisdom what junk food is to food.
everyuselessthing.com 