Archive for the ‘silly’ Tag
These are the normal lame and politically correct ones. Let’s get real for a change!!
I post my resolutions almost every year and I have yet to complete them all. Once again, I’ll post my top ten and just hope for the best like always. Well here goes nothing one more time.
- Read 8.33 books a month (That’s 100 books for all of you math majors).
- Keep the number of F-Bombs to less than a hundred a week. (I’m dreaming on this one.)
- Spend less than $50.00 a week on Dunkin Coffee. (That’s just for my better-half. They’re too expensive for me.)
- Drink less than last year but more next year. (I’m dreaming!)
- Visit only the classiest porn sites. (No more than 10 per week unless provoked)
💥💥💥
- No naked dancing near the picture window in the living room. (We have nervous neighbors!)
- Try not to argue with my better-half too much. (The operative word here is to try.)
- Teach the grandsons no more than five new swear words. (And maybe learn one or two new ones from them.)
- Try to be more polite to all of the doctors that have been manhandling me for years.
💥💥💥
There are my ten candidates for 2023. I’ll be certain to post a midyear review in June.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL
Drive Safe
Today is a good a day as any to look back through history to find some strange rules, laws or customs. In the past I’ve shown some seriously strange laws still on the books in this country. Now let’s take a trip back into history look at some of their foibles because in truth some of theirs are way stranger than ours.
- It was once proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be enacted a two-dollar tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
- A law was passed in England requiring all corpses to be buried in a wool shroud, thereby extorting support for Britain’s flagging wool trade. The act was repealed 148 years later, in 1814.
- The average age of Elizabethan and Jacobean brides was about 24 and their bridegrooms around 27. The primary reason for delayed marriages was to limit births among poor people. The higher the social status, however, the younger the age at marriage.
- As in Abraham’s time, it was the custom among men in Rome, when swearing to tell the truth, to place one’s right hand on one’s testicles. The English word testimony is related to this custom.
- When a Chinese bystander ashore was killed accidentally by a cannon salvo of greeting from an English ship, during the early days of the China-Western trade, the English were forced to turn over to China the hapless gunner, who was promptly strangled.
- The Tinguian people of the Philippines have their own way of kissing. They put their lives close to each other’s face and quickly inhale.
- In 1853 Illinois passed a law that required any black entering the state and staying more than 10 days to pay a fine of $50. If he could not pay, the black could be sold into slavery for a period commensurate with the fine.
- Over the centuries, playing cards have been put to strange uses. They became the first paper currency of Canada when the French governor, in 1685, use them to pay off some war debts. In 1765, the year of the Stamp Act, when every pack of playing cards was being taxed one shilling, they were also used for class admission at the University of Pennsylvania. Napoleon even used them as a ration cards during the French Revolution.
- The town of High Wycombe in Buckinghamshire, England, carries on the multi-century custom called the “Weighing-in Ceremony.” In early May, the town’s mayor, mayoress, deputy town mayor, deputy mayoress, town clerk, and district counselors representing wards in the town’s boundaries are weighed in order to learn if they have grown fat at the public trough.
ISN’T HISTORY ENLIGHTENING?
What ever happened to all of those “pet rocks” that everyone loved? How about those fine-looking mood rings that were around for a time. Fads come and go and just when you think you’ve heard and seen it all, another bit of Fad strangeness comes along to baffle and amaze us. You might think our recent Fads are cool and awesome, but we are just the tip of the weird iceberg. So, grab your hula hoop and read on. It’s time to look at the past where our love for Fads originated.
1920 – Raccoon Coats
1924 – Flagpole Sitting
1939 – Goldfish Swallowing
1950 – Poodle Skirts
1955 – Coonskin Caps
1959 – Phone Booth Stuffing
1960 – Tie-dyed T-shirts
1970 – Platform Shoes
1973 – Puka Shells
1974 – Streaking
1975 – CB Radios
1976 – Pet Rocks
1980 – Rubik’s Cube
1982 – Smurfs
1983 – Cabbage Patch Kids
1993 – The Macarena
There’s the proof we’ve been looking for. The Fad gene goes all the way back to early cavemen. Did you honestly think that we really invented the “pet rock?” What will be next now that the “Spinner and Fidgit” fads has run out of gas. I hope the next one is a little more interesting.
HOW MANY OTHERS DO YOU REMEMBER?
I’m feeling in a very ‘limericky’ state of mind this morning. It’s cold, gray, and nasty so a day sitting at the computer is called for. After perusing through my achieves I decided on a few fairly clean limericks based on accidental deaths or injuries. Rather than be off color I decided on weird and these got it covered and then some.
*****
There was an old lady named Crockett
Who went to put a plug in a socket.
But her hands were so wet
She flew up like a jet
And came roaring back down like a rocket.
*****
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn’t an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire
(‘Most any old line will do here!)
*****
Said a foolish young lady of Wales,
“A smell of escaped gas prevails.”
Then she searched with a light,
And later that night
Was collected in seventeen pails.
*****
A certain young man of great gumption,
‘Mongst cannibals had the presumption
To go – but alack!
He never came back,
They say ’twas a case of consumption.
*****
WELCOME BACK TO A 1960’S SENSE OF HUMOR
I’ve worked closely for a variety of people over the years and I thought I’d heard every stupid question imaginable. Then I began reading about questions asked at National Parks and Tourist Visitor bureaus. Boy was I ever mistaken that I’ve heard it all. You just can’t make this stuff up.
*****
- Which beach is closest to the water?
- Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail? We’d like to go for a walk now.
- Have we made peace with the Indians?
- What is the best time of the year to watch deer turn into elk?
- Where are Scarlet and Rhett buried and are they buried together?
*****
- If you go into a restaurant in Idaho and you don’t want any kind of potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave?
- I am trying to build a flying saucer. Where do I go for help?
- Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?
- What is the official language of Alaska?
- Where can we find Amish hookers? We want to buy a quilt.
*****
- Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
- So whats in the unexplored part of the cage?
- We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
- What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
- Did people build this, or did Indians?
HOW DO YOU ANSWER WITHOUT LAUGHING OUT LOUD?
As I’ve stated many times in the past, I’ve always had a fascination with graveyards and cemeteries. With that thought in mind, here are a few of my favorite humorous epithets. It’s good to have a sense of humor even after death.
From Enosburg, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
☠️☠️☠️
From Bayfield, Mississippi
Stranger pause. my tale attend,
And learn the cause of Hannah’s end.
Across the world the wind did blow,
She ketched a cold that laid her low.
We shed a lot of tears ’tis true,
But life is short – aged 82.
☠️☠️☠️
From Medway, Massachusetts
Beneath this stone, this lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels,
Who too early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
☠️☠️☠️
From Canterbury, Kent, England
Of children in all she bore twenty-four:
Thank the Lord there will be no more.
☠️☠️☠️
From Chelmsford, Essex, England
Herer lies the man Richard,
And Mary his wife.
Their surname was Pritchard,
They lived without strife.
And the reason was plain,
They abounded in riches,
They had no care or pain,
And his wife wore the breeches.
HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOURS YET?
It’s time once again for a few silly limericks circa 1960. These are fun limericks, and the creators will be listed if possible.
A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.
😜😜😜
By Ogden Nash
A Bugler named Dougal MacDougal
Found ingenious ways to be frugal.
He learned how to sneeze
In various keys,
Thus, saving the price of a bugle.
😊😊😊
By Al Graham
A Martian named Harrison Harris
Decided he’d like to see Paris.
In space (so we learn)
He forgot where to turn
And that’s why he’s now on Polaris.
😏😏😏
By Berton Braley
Young Frankenstein’s robot invention
Caused trouble too awful to mention.
Its actions were ghoulish,
Which proves it is foolish
To monkey with Natures intention.
🥰🥰🥰
IT’S GOOD TO START A WEEK WITH SILLINESS
I’m feeling a little silly today and I’m not entirely sure why. A good night’s sleep, some weird dreams, and a great cup of coffee. and “Ta Da”, here I am! I’ll start today with some true silliness. As I was surfing around yesterday, I stumbled upon a website called unijoke.com and it had a collection of jokes about “Little Johnny”. I’ve loved those jokes for many years, and I found one on that site that made me laugh out loud. That’s my criteria for determining funny. Here it is . . .
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch I can find with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” The teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”
Almost everyone loves Rock-and-Roll music except maybe for those Country & Western folks and the Hip-Hop idiots. I was thinking about all of the silly names’ musicians create for their bands to help them standout in the crowd. I’ll list a few oldies but goodies and I’m sure you can think of many more.
STOP CALLING ME FRANK
AFGHANISTAN BANANA STAND
BUDDY WHATSHISNAME AND THE OTHER FELLAS
THE COLOR FRED
THE NAUGAHYDE CHIHUAHUAS
QUESTION MARK AND THE MYSTERIANS
THE WELL I’M SURE I LEFT IT THERE YESTERDAY BAND
ME FIRST AND THE GIMMEE GIMEES
THE DISAPPOINTED PARENTS
SHE STOLE MY BEER
You have to admit those rockers had quite the imagination and used the hell out of it. The list of silly band names is never-ending but still fun. Here’s my final thought for today:
Why is a virginity like a balloon?
One prick and its gone!
AND SO, AM I!
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
To say I am a baseball fan would be an understatement and when writing about famous orators how could I forget the man, “Yogi Berra”. For me, he’s the perfect example of what old time baseball was all about. He was a great player and manager and always made the Yankees fans proud. Weirdly enough he has since become almost as famous for his stream of hilarious quotations. Here are a few for your entertainment.
- “I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
- “Baseball is 90% mental- the other half is physical.”
- “Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
- “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
- “This is like déjà vu all over again.”
- “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
- “It gets late early out there.”
- “Think! How the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?”
- “Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.”
- When his wife asked, “Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” His response was, “Surprise me.”
THE AMBASSADOR OF BASEBALL
everyuselessthing.com 