I’ve been blogging now for more than fourteen years, and I’ve tried to be as interesting as possible as I spread as much useless informationthat I could find to as many readers as possible. Initially I spent my first four years writing a political blog that was interesting, but all of the lame and badly written death threats from either side of the aisle convinced that I was wasting my time. Since the changeover to a more easy-going and friendly blog, blogging has returned to being fun. Now it’s time for another sidestep from my normal routine to an even friendlier and more fun format. “HUMOR”. It’s probably one of the few areas that almost everyone can enjoy whether it’s from jokes (both clean or dirty), limericks (both clean or dirty), humorous trivia, or any other means to help you grin, smile, laugh, and lighten your day. I’ll give it a go for the remainder of this year with the hope it will keep you coming back for more.
“Joke of the Day”
A farmer sent his 15-year-old son into town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck. “See if you can get a girl in exchange for this,” he said. The lad met a prostitute along the way and said, “It’s my birthday and all I’ve got is this duck. Would you be willing to fuck? “Sure,” she said, “I’m sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I’ve never owned a duck.” Afterwards, she said, “Do you know for a 15-year-old boy, you’re quite a good lay. If you’d like to do it again, I’ll give you back your duck.” “Sure,” said the boy. When his pleasurable work was through, he left the village to return home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt so sorry for the boy and gave him two dollars. When he got home, his father asked, “How did you make out?” The son said, “I got a duck, a fuck, a duck for a fuck, and two dollars for a duck.”
In keeping with the new format here is the “Limerick of the Day” which should pay homage to a former lecherous President and his BFF:
Many years ago, I started this blog, and I chose its name very carefully. I fully intended then and still continue now to supply all of you with as much useless information as I can possibly find. Today I’d like to test the trivia knowledge of all of you fans of celebrities and Hollywood. This information was gleaned from a long-lost trivia book I stumbled upon in an old trunk I’ve had in storage for years. The first printing of this book was in February of 1975 at a total cost per copy of $1.25. I consider myself a trivia aficionado but the answers to these retro-Hollywood questions left me clueless. Maybe you’ll have more luck.
Name one of the two actresses who starred as the singing and dancing Dolly Sisters in the 1945 movie of that title? Betty Grabel was Jenny and June Haver was Rosie
What comedian appears in “Whistling in Brooklyn,” “The Fuller Brush Man,” and “Susan Slept Here”? Red Skelton
What does W. C. Fields give away in the comedy film “The Pharmacist”? Large vases.
What was cowboy sidekick George (Gabby) Hayes known as when he appeared with Bill Boyd in the Hopalong Cassidy movie series? “Windy”
What is Shirley Temple’s middle name? Jane
What is the title of the movie in which Charlie Chaplin falls in love with a blind flower girl? “City Lights”
Who portrays the “Invisible Man” in the 1933 movie of that title, and what is his occupation? Claude Rains played the role of a mad scientist named Griffin.
In the original MGM movie “The Champ” tells the story of an old prizefighter and his young son. Name the actors who played the two roles. Wallace Beery and Jackie Cooper, respectively.
During World War I, Humphrey Bogart served in the U.S. Navy. His ship was shelled, and this caused what to happen to him physically? It caused his upper lip to be partially paralyzed, resulting in a tightly set mouth and a lisp.
What longtime star, whose career began in 1925, was actually named Billie Cassin and was also known on the stage as Lucile LeSueur? Joan Crawford
I tend to look for publications containing limericks and I like them funny, silly, bawdy, and outright outrageous. Many of my readers constantly complain that my selections are too tame. They want lots of sexual content and even go so far as to complain about my selections of children’s limericks. I enjoy posting the more innocent lyrics from kids with the hope they will someday grow up and write some truly memorable and bawdy poetry. Someone has to assist the next generation in their endeavors, and I have gladly volunteered. Here are a few you can sample . . .
Once again, it’s time for a small collection of somewhat strange riddles from my favorite raunchy decade the 1980’s. That decade wasn’t near as bad as the 1960’s but it’s a damn close second for raunchiness. Enjoy this short retro trip down mammary lane . . .
Why is a virgin like a balloon? One prick and it’s all over!
Why was the bisexual prizefighter undefeated? He could lick anyone!
Why do girls fart after they pee? They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry!
How can you tell if Dolly Parton forgot to wear her bra? There are no wrinkles in her face!
What did Adam say when he woke up and was missing a rib? “Something smells fishy around here!”
What does the Lone Ranger do in the men’s room after a big meal? Take a dump, take a dump, take a dump dump dump!
What do you call oral sex in a national park? Old faceful!
What’s a prophylactic? A planned parent hood!
What’s the definition of trust? Two cannibals having oral sex!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
The internet has become famous for anonymous facts claiming to be true as well and out-and-out fake news and scams of all kinds. Here are ten facts that are surprising and amazingly TRUE.
More tickets were sold to see the movie Gone With the Wind in theaters than people living in America at its release.
John Lennon signed the official paperwork formalizing the split of the Beatles while staying at a Disney World hotel.
Yoda from the movie Star Wars, cookie monster from Sesame Street, and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show were all voiced by the same person.
The leading role in the movie Forrest Gump was originally offered to John Travolta.
Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t draw the sketch of Kate Winslet in Titanic, but director James Cameron did.
Gene Roddenberry originally wanted Patrick Stewart to wear a wig for his iconic Star Trek role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Stephen Spielberg submitted Schindler’s List as his final project for film school.
Brad Pitt’s first acting gig was dressing up as a giant chicken.
The NFL, NBA, and MLB have all had one player win the championship MVP while playing for the losing team.
Violet Jessop was the one passenger who was aboard both the Titanic and its sister ship the Britannic when they were sunk.
Since we’re celebrating “Hump Day”, here are a few truly twisted limericks to test your reading skills. Pick any one of these three and try to read it as fast as possible without tying your tongue in a knot. Doing that is probably just as difficult as it was for me trying to type these damn things. Have fun with it.
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Two witchy witches in a Wichita ditch,
One witch with a twitch caused the witches to switch,
The spell they were under,
Caused people to wonder,
Which Wichita witch switched was which?
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Frankly, Frank Fankley felt cranky,
Inside Frank Fankley’s frank was Hank’s hanky.
Hank’s hanky Frank got,
Filled with Hank’s hanky snot,
“It ain’t frankly swanky,” said Fankley, “NO THANK-Y!”
Strange but true stories have always fascinated me. Some people call them coincidences and others call them serendipitous or synchronicity, but who really knows for sure. I certainly don’t. I’ve had a few weird things happen to me over the years which gave me pause since I’m really not a believer of things supernatural or coincidental. So, I thought I’d share three such stories that I stumbled upon a few years ago in a book entitled The Book of the Bizarre and I hope you enjoy them.
According to the Detroit Free Press, in February of 2007, in the Paw Paw Township of Michigan, two brothers were killed in a head-on collision with each other. The brothers, ages 24 and 33, shared a home. The elder brother lost control of his vehicle and crossed into the path of his brother’s oncoming car. They were both pronounced dead at the scene.
” Coincidence is Gods Way of Remaining Anonymous.” Albert Einstein
This second story also concerns a double fatality, but one taken to a whole new level.
In Germany in the late 1970’s, a story hit all the newspapers, television and radio stations – a story that contained one of the most tragic examples of synchronicity to date. A man was walking along a country road at night when a car struck him from behind and killed him. One year from the day he died, the man’s twin brother went for a walk at that same spot, in memory of his departed brother. As it turned out, the driver of the car that hit and killed the first man also had a twin brother. That twin brother decided to drive along that same road, in memory of his own departed brother. He hit and killed the second twin brother, re-creating a scene that has shocked everyone who has heard the story.
” In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents.
Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.” William S. Burroughs
A man attempting to rob a convenience store in Cherry Hill, North Carolina, thwarted his own plans when he dropped the pistol he was brandishing. It hit the ground, went off, and the bullet stuck the robber in the foot.
As anyone who reads this blog knows I love limericks. I love the mild ones written by kids and for kids, the medium ones for many of the limerick loving adults who shy away from many of the naughtier limericks, and occasionally I get in the mood to post something a little raunchier. My favorite limerick writer has always been Isaac Azimov but one of his close friends deserved an honorable mention today. That friend was John Ciardi who for 16 years was the poetry editor for the Saturday Review and his translation of The Divine Comedy is still considered a classic. Sadly, he passed away in 1986 but his works and love of limericks lives on. Enjoy.
Growing up I was expected to play as much sports as possible by my ever so athletic father. I completed one year of varsity basketball which I absolutely hated and two years of football which ended with my being unconscious on the sidelines after being drilled by a rather large and muscular defensive player. Baseball was always my main thing, and I began playing at seven years of age and played until I went off to college. Unfortunately for me the college I attended had no baseball team and that really pissed me off as well. I had many coaches throughout the years and was required to sit and listen to endless “pep talks” prior to our games and endless criticisms if and when we lost. There were only one or two coaches who actually took the time to create and deliver a pep talk that accomplished what they wanted. A few others believed in blatant terrorism and threats to help motivate us to a victory. Today’s post is a short story about some real coaches with real methods that showed real results.
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Coaches use all kinds of psychology to lift the spirits of their players. Notre Dame football coach Knute Rockne once refused to sit with his team in the second half of a game. He sat up in the stands, which got the team so fired up they went out onto the field and wonthe game.
One of the most unusual pep talks was delivered by coach Dana X. Bible during the Indiana-Nebraska football game of 1936. Nebraska was losing, 9-0, at halftime. Coach Bible looked scornfully around the dressing room and berated the players unmercifully. “You don’t have the desire to win!” he thundered. “You don’t have the courage to fight back!” Then he said, “The first eleven players who go out that door will start the second half and the rest of you will sit on the bench.” Immediately, the fired-up team jumped to their feet trying to quickly reach the door. But Bible got there first and barred the way. “That’s not good enough,” he snarled. “You’re not ready to win.” A slugging match followed with teammates who really liked each other pushing and shoving, and then scrambling for the door. It became a free-for-all but finally, eleven players managed to squirm through. Bible immediately put those eleven on the field and they beat Indiana 14-9.
To those of you who were alive in the 1960’s, you know what a strange time it was not only for the country but for each of us individually. Free love, drugs, rock & roll, and anti-war fever made for interesting relationships and all the craziness you could possibly handle. I have to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. With that in mind I’m offering up a few limericks from the early sixties that you might find interesting. Put on your bell-bottoms and roll up a “J” and enjoy.
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