Archive for October 2024
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The limerick’s an art form complex,
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgings,
And vulgar, erotic effects.
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Undressing a virgin named Sue,
Her seducer remarked, “If it’s true
That an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two”!
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There was a young student named Jones
whose urgings reduced maidens to moans.
By his wonderful knowledge
(Acquired in college),
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
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The orgy began on the lawn,
Several hours ahead of the dawn.
We found ourselves viewing
Sixty-six vulgar couples screwing,
But by sunup they had all come and gone!
😏😁😎
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ.
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “Tell me all of your sins, my daughter.” “Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Go home and take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.” “Will this cleanse my soul of all my sins?” “No,” the priest says, “but it will certainly wipe that smile off your face!”
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. He notices that she’s reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it, and she replies, “This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises, and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” “Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you.”
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. We do taste like chicken!
A woman enrolls in nursing school and is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm. “Sure,” she says. “He’s at home taking care of the kids.”
- Dominoes originated in Asia around 1100 A.D. They were, and still are, used as a divinatory tool and not just a game of numbers.
- Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are at least 50 years old.
- The egg plant is a member of the thistle family.
- The first city in the United States to fluoridate its water was Grand Rapids, Michigan in 1945.
- The first state in the United States to use the gas chamber was Nevada in 1924.
“Everybody loves you when you’re six feet in the ground.”
John Lennon
- In Los Angeles in 1976, a woman legally married a 20 pound rock with 20 guests present.
- Former United States president Gerald Ford changed his name when he was 22 – a good thing, because his birth name was Leslie Lynch King, Junior.
- John Lennon’s killer, Mark David Chapman, was a church group leader. It is said that he would lead sing-alongs to the tune of Lennon’s song “Imagine,” during which he would change the lyrics to “Imagine there’s no John Lennon.”
- The Code of Hammurabi in Babylon specified that a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many
things that escape those who dream only at night.”
Edgar Allen Poe
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EMBRACE YOUR WEIRDNESS
Cara Delevingne
Have you ever gone to the track and bet on a horse? Have you ever tracked the odds on your horse? It always amazed me that someone actually sat in an office somewhere and computed those odds. No one actually knows what criteria is used or even if they’re accurate but what the hell do I know, I’m not a gambler. Today’s post is going to be more of the same. I found this information quite by accident and I knew immediately that I had to post it. If you think horseracing odds were hard to compute, these are even more ridiculous. You might find them interesting, and I hope you do.
Odds of Dying
While playing a video game: 100,000,000 to 1
By venomous snake bite: 95,000,000 to 1
By an asteroid falling to earth: 75,000,000 to 1
By venomous spider bites: 25,000,00 to 1
By a champagne cork: 22 million to 1
By lightning: 10,000,000 to 1
By a bee or wasp sting: 5,000,000 to 1
By falling down stairs: 157,000 to 1
By choking: 100,000 to 1
By heart disease: 467 to 1
😵😵😵
ROLL THEM DICE
With Halloween on the horizon, I thought I’d give you a dose of weird. Just a few little tidbits of bizarre things that humans insist on using as an excuse for questionable behavior. Here we go . . .
In January of 2008, an 81-year-old Chilean man woke up at his own funeral. His family dressed him in his finest suit and laid him out for a proper way, only to witness him opening his eyes midmorning. Upon waking he simply asked for a glass of water. The family was overjoyed.
The Dunkenfield Crematorium in Manchester, England, once asked local residents and clergyman to support its plan for heating and powering its chapel and boiler using the heat created by burning bodies.
“It rubs me the wrong way, a camera . . . It’s a frightening thing
. . . Cameras make ghosts out of people.”
Bob Dylan
In Paris in the 20th Century, Jules Vern describes the Paris skyline dominated by a large metallic structure. The book was written in 1863, years before the Eiffel Tower was even conceptualized in 1887.
The state of Idaho has enacted a provision known as the “Ghost in the Attic” statute, which went into effect in 1998. It states that neither the homes seller nor the seller’s broker is liable for not disclosing that the property may be haunted. Even if the house is the site of a known suicide or homicide, the seller need not disclose this fact unless the buyer specifically writes to the seller and inquires.
Triskaidekaphobia is a morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th. In early Christianity, the number thirteen was considered unlucky because it was the number of persons present at the Last Supper, and the day Friday unlucky because Christ was said to have been crucified on a Friday.
In you love candles you need to know these following facts since they have always been shrouded in mystery and superstition.
- If a candle blows out during a ceremony, it’s a warning that evil is nearby.
- Three lit candles in a row are bad luck, so be sure to blow one out if you see them.
- Light a candle inside jack-o’-lantern on Halloween to guard against evil spirits that are lurking about.
- If you look into a mirror by candlelight, you are risking bad luck, but you might also find the souls of the dead there.
- A cork candle is a small, sourceless flame that floats through the night air and is believed to be a lost soul. The sight is considered an omen of death.
“Some of mankind’s most terrible misdeeds have been committed
under the spell of certain magical words or phrases.”
James Bryant Conant
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Here are a few limericks concerning food. They aren’t that bawdy, but they should still be considered “food for the soul”. So, enjoy them all especially the one with those juicy cantaloupes.
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By Ed Cunningham
As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merv,
“This meal will be brief,”
Said the cannibal chief,
“For this is at best an hors d’oeuvre.”
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By Charlotte McBee
A greengrocer’s wife, named Yvette,
Took her cantaloupes out (for a bet).
A couple of felons
Made off with her melons,
And they’ve not apprehended them yet!
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By Val Pohler
A young lady too fond of meringue
Let concerns for her figure go hang.
She consumed them in tons,
Along with cream buns,
Until she went off with a BANG!
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By Frank Richards
There was an old man of Peru
Who watched his wife making a stew.
He said, “It’s too thin.”
So, she pushed him right in,
Saying, “Nobody’s thicker than you!”
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TA DA!
I can tell that today is not going to be a fun day. First of all, this is a “change of season” month, and I find from years of experience that “change of season” months usually suck. The clouds are gray, the sky is gray, the garden plants are all dead, all the “cool” birds have headed south for the winter, and I’m hip deep in effing leaves. Here’s my good survival tip for living in Maine. You must always and I do mean always have an electric blanket somewhere nearby for heat emergencies at this time of the year. Last night I earned a “7” out of ten on my electric blanket. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. not for my normal bathroom visit but because my teeth were chattering so loud, I was waking up the cat. I’m just not ready for this crap weather and the coming winter. Maybe it’s just old age creeping up on me which tends to be happening more and more these days.
As the years go by, I’ve given a lot of thought to my final days, and I’ve discovered that only two things really matter at that point. If you want to leave some sort of legacy all you need to do is leave two things: a self-written epithet for your headstone or (for you urn people) a really cool quote for your final words. Today’s post is a list of the final words of a few well-known people. Some are profound and some are not, you be the judge.
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946) stated to his nurse: “Go away. I’m all right.”
- Brigham Young (1801-77) stated “Amen”.
- George Washington (1732-99) stated to his doctor, “Doctor, I die hard, but I’m not afraid to go.”
- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) “Please put out the light.”
- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) “Drink to me.”
- Elizabeth I (1533-1603) “All my possessions for a moment of time.”
So how would you all like to have a homework assignment. If you’re so inclined, send me your epitaph and last words and hopefully by then I’ll have mine done and will I’ll post them.
(MINE REMAIN A WORK IN PROGRESS)
I’ve spent a great deal of my life dealing with the more unsavory side of the human race. Unfortunately, it’s taken a toll on me and seriously bruised the faith I once held for human tolerances. Doing historical research has its ugly side and I’ll share some of that with you today. Hopefully at some point in the future things will improve but I’m certain anyone reading this post today will never live to see it.
- Adolf Hitler kept a framed photograph of Henry Ford on his desk and Ford had one of Hitler on his desk in Dearborn Michigan. Hitler had used in his book Mein Kampf some of Ford’s anti-Semitic views, and he always welcomed Ford’s substantial contributions to the Nazi movement.
- From the beginning Puritan colonists engaged in the slave trade, first selling captive Indians to the West Indies and then bringing in Negroes from Africa. Cotton Mather, pastor of Boston’s North Church, owned both Indian and Negro slaves. In 1641, Samuel Maverick proposed the breeding of Negro slaves on Noodles Island, which is now East Boston.
- It has been estimated that the Spaniards killed off 1.5 million Indians within a few years after Columbus discovered the New World.
- Human beings have been exterminating animals at the average rate of one species a year for the last two centuries. That rate appears to be on the increase, despite the rising of ecological awareness that began in the 1960s.
- 40 million Americans are murdered, maimed, raped, mugged, or robbed every year.
- Pope Innocence VIII (142-1492) received a gift of 100 Moorish slaves, who he distributed as a gratuity to Cardinals and friends.
- Not all the bad guys in Harriet Beecher Stowe’s mild abolitionist tract about U.S. slavery, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, are Southerners. The villains, in fact, are Northern renegades. Simon Legree, the wicked slave driver, was from Vermont.
- Here in the “civilized West” a human being has been killed by others every 20 seconds for the last half-century, either legally or illegally. This is three times the rate of the century preceding these 50 years.
- The English promised land in the colony of Nova Scotia to former slaves to join their side during the American Revolution. When the promise was broken, a former slave, Thomas Peters, who had been a sergeant in the British Army, sailed to England and won a concession of land in Sierra Leone in West Africa, for his fellow blacks landless in Nova Scotia.
NUFF SAID
Today’s post is going to do the unimaginable and permit us to time travel back 84 years to 1940. This is going to be a rambling narrative of things that were happening at the time and will start with the top five movies of the day: Boom Town, Fantasia, His Girl Friday, Kitty Foyle, and Knute Rockne All-American. Strange as it seems I recently saw a couple of these movies being streamed and I spent an hour and a half watching His Girl Friday with Cary Grant. After all those years it was still fun to watch because Cary Grant was effing amazing.
Ginger Rogers earned the best actress at the Academy Awards. The movie Grapes of Wrath was huge, and Walt Disney’s animation began to become a force in the movie industry with Pinocchio and Fantasia. Tom and Jerry weren’t far behind with Hanna-Barbera releasing Puss Gets the Boot. The year also brought us two future celebrities: Smokey Robinson born on February 19 and Peter Fonda born February 23. With the Great Depression over, 1940 consumer food intake became more dependent on canned foods such as soup, meat and vegetables.
Air travel was on the rise and the NFL’s Green Bay Packers became the first team to travel by air. The TWA Transcontinental Airline introduced the Stratoliner to help promote more travel across the continent. The United States had yet to be drawn into the war in Europe. The 1939-1940 World’s Fair was held at Flushing Meadows-Corona Park in New York and was the largest world’s fair of all time.
In the world of sports baseball rapidly was spreading in popularity across the country. The Negro National League was steadily becoming more popular with teams like the Washington Homestead Grays (league champs), the Baltimore Elite Giants, and the Newark Eagles playing to large crowds.
Knute Rockne ruled college football with the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers being named the national champs. The Heisman Trophy winner was Michigan halfback Tom Harmon. The NFL Chicago Bears defeated the Washington Redskins 73-0, in one of the most one-sided games in professional football history.
In the early 1940’s cars began to take on a lower, longer and broader look. This new look fit in well with the luxury cars that were beginning to be produced. They were the La Salle Series 52, the Lincoln Zephyr V-12, and the Packard Custom Super-8 180.The Pennsylvania Turnpike was opened on October 1, 1940, and the first Los Angeles freeway was dedicated in December.
The entertainment industry released the top hits of 1940: In the Mood-Glenn Miller, Frensi-Arte Shaw, Only Forever-Bing Crosby, and I’ll Never Smile Again-Tommy Dorsey. The talk radio shows of 1940 listed The Adventures of Ellery Queen, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, and Fibber McGee and Molly. And last but not least Franklin Delano Roosevelt hit the campaign trail in an attempt for a third term.
Now for some of the important stuff. The US population was 132 million. The average salary for a full-time employee was $1200 a year with the minimum wage of $.30 an hour. A loaf of bread was $.08, a pound of bacon was $.27, a pound of butter was $.36, a dozen eggs were $.33, a gallon of milk was $.26, a pound of coffee which $.21, 5 pounds of sugar was $.26, 10 pounds of potatoes was $.24, gasoline was $.11 a gallon, movie tickets were $.24, postage stamps were $.03, and an average car cost $990.00, and a single-family home was on average $2938.00.
I BECAME SPEECHLESS WHEN I SAW THOSE PRICES
I consider myself to be an animal lover. I have a long history of dealing with dogs and an even longer history with cats. Fortunately, or unfortunately people in this country categorize people as being either a cat person or a dog person for some reason. Over the years I’ve had every kind of pet you can think of from snakes, mice, birds, squirrels, hamsters, dogs and ferrets. My favorite pets after my cats were the ferrets and my best years as a pet owner were when I had one cat and two ferrets. There was never a dull moment in the house, and they kept me smiling with their endless play times. Today’s posts are some interesting facts about our pets.
- Your average cat uses up to 100 different vocalizations. Dogs, on the other hand, use a mere 10.
- Multiple studies have shown dogs are more emotionally intelligent than cats; they are more trainable, have larger brains, and are far more social. Sorry, cat people, if it makes you feel any better, other studies have shown that cat owners are smarter than people who own dogs.
- Cats can be trained in a manner of minutes simply by placing a litter box in the house. No actual training is required – it’s instinct that drives cats to use litter boxes.
- The average canine has 42 teeth, compared to only 30 teeth for domestic cats.
- Dog memory is more “associative” instead of true memory. And a dog’s short-term memory lasts for about 20 seconds.
- A canine nose has more than four times as many scent receptors as the average cat and more than 14 times as many as the human nose.
- In both cats and dogs sweat glands are present only in the paws. To cool down, dogs pant. The thin ears of cats expose blood to ambient room temperatures and help them to lose excess body heat.
- So-called “seizure-alert dogs are able to detect changes in their owner’s verbal cues and body language and warn them of things ahead of time. This skill is not taught – it’s innate in a very small number of canines.
- Most people are aware that chocolate is toxic to dogs. Fortunately for cats they cannot taste sweetness, so the odds are lower of cats gorging on your half-eaten chocolate bar.
- Studies show that dogs respond with less aggression, and cats display positive reciprocation when interacting with women rather than men.
BOW WOW & MEOW
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