Author Archive
Now that the holidays are behind us and I’ve had two weeks to catch my breath, it’s time to get back to work. My biggest goal for this winter was to repair and remodel our upstairs bathroom. It’s been unused for almost two years due to a major leak either inside the walls or under the floor.
Job 1 is to demolish whatever it takes to find that damn leak. My first step was to remove the old shower unit that had been an eyesore at best. Three days ago me and my trusty sledge hammer began the process of removing that unit. Everything I’ve tried to do in this house for the last six years has been a struggle. The house is almost twenty-five years old and it shows. The rooms aren’t square and the people who built it should have been arrested immediately after first kicking their ass. The wiring is still a problem even after the entire place was rewired just three years ago. Unfortunately there are still certain areas and other issues that are just waiting to be discovered.
This photo was taken yesterday after I spent three days removing that damn shower and the wall behind it. The entire unit not only was screwed tightly to the walls but the installer used what looked to be approximately ten tubes of construction adhesive to glue it in place as well. There was no way to just remove the unit without removing the walls too. More unwanted work to be sure.
Once that was accomplished I began my investigation into the leak. I was forced to remove a large section of the floor and after following the water stains it told me the leak was water flowing on the surface of the floor and not beneath it. There were no water marks within the walls above floor level which told me the leak wasn’t in the plumbing inside the wall. As best I can determine is that the leak was caused by a faulty drain connection in the old shower unit.
Over the next day or so I’ll do a thorough cleanup of the bathroom to allow me to double check my findings one last time. I can then begin the process of putting in the new shower, toilet, sink, and floor. Then add some beaded wainscoting, a fresh paint job, and new lighting fixtures and BAM. Job completed sometime in May . . . . . I hope.
One of the biggest problems with this extremely cold weather is not getting to spend much time outside the house. I’m able to run outside for short periods but anything longer than a few minutes is problematic. Even my unheated workshop in the garage is impossible to spend more than a few minutes in and I’m too cheap to pay for a space heater and gallons of kerosene. The first week of this cold was bearable but each day that goes by without relief I become more and more antsy.
I ran out of patience yesterday and decided to grab my better-half, my camera, and just go somewhere. As long as the car’s heater continued to work we’d be just fine.
I’ve been wondering during the last few days how in the hell the wild animals survive this kind of weather. I’m sure that many don’t but it’s amazing that any actually survive it at all. I noticed this morning that my house is being circled by a flock of birds which I haven’t been able to identify. It’s like a scene from Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds”. They seem to be interested in the suet we have near the other feeders but they’re beginning to make me nervous. Prior to their arrival we hadn’t seen much activity at all except for a few chickadees and those annoying woodpeckers.
During our foray into the ice and snow we took a ride through the Dayton area which is loaded with horse farms. I was surprised to see quite a few horses out in the corrals wearing their coats and getting a little much needed exercise.
Normally anytime we approach horses they walk right over to check us out. They’re always curious and looking for apples, carrots, or sugar cubes. Not today though. They were just as cold and miserable as we were. They appreciated the exercise but headed for the barn every few minutes to warm up a little.
Well it’s time to head back home for more reading and TV. I miss the occasional walk on the beach even during the winter. The current wind chill makes even that uncomfortable. Hopefully we’ll see some warmer temperatures next week even if it’s only somewhere near thirty degrees.
I’m really tired of talking about Maine’s winter weather and I’m just as sure your tired of hearing about it. I’ll take a few steps back into the past and try to entertain you with some unusual trivia. It’s been a while since I delved into my bag of useless crap but I feel like sharing today. I’ll try to keep things interesting and not weather related. Let’s go . . . .
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Murphy’s Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
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For over forty years, Herbert Hoover gave all of his political earnings to charity, including his wages and pension as president.
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America’s last professional bare-knuckle boxing bout, in 1889, went to seventy-five rounds. The fight was between John I. Sullivan and Jake Kilrain – Kilrain lost. The famous lawman Bat Masterson was the timekeeper.
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Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial coloring. It is totally white in it’s natural state.
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The average person laughs thirteen times a day.
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Forty-five percent of cat owners buy a holiday gift for their pet.
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Honeybees maintain a temperature of 94 degrees in their hives year round.
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Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
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If you were locked in a completely sealed room you would die of carbon dioxide poisoning before oxygen deprivation.
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In 1976 the swine flu vaccine caused more deaths than the illness it was intended to prevent.
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It would take seven billion particles of fog to fill a teaspoon.
And one quote: “God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” ROBIN WILLIAMS
That’s enough for today. I do love trivia but a steady diet of it seems to be a sad commentary on my life as it currently exists. If you take these weird facts and use them properly you can amaze and surprise your friends with your vast knowledge of totally useless information. I have to say my friends were never all that impressed but the hell with them too. I can tell you one fact that you might not have figured out just yet. The last place you ever want to be is in a bar on trivia night with me sitting next to you. You’ll be so tempted to just walk over and give me a smack and truthfully I wouldn’t blame you.
I’m done for today but more of this stuff is in your future if you continue to read this blog.
Before I get any further into this post I thought I’d give those of you interested in history my Lewis & Clark expedition update. The journal of their travels begins on May 14, 1804, the day they left the Mississippi River, a day or two after they arrived back in St. Louis. They left from a river camp near Dubois and proceeded up the Missouri River under full sail. The party consisted of one ship and two perogues (their spelling for canoes). Those first few weeks were rainy with the river running higher than normal. They suffered difficulties with sand bars and a broken mast when it struck an overhanging tree but they found game plentiful and plenty of fresh water.
Their group harvested dozens deer and three bears along the way and any meat not eaten was dried and made into a jerky for later use. They’ve met a few French traders roaming along the river and have only seen fresh Indian sign but no actual Indians as yet
On June 6 commander Clark reports himself as suffering from a high fever and severe headaches and here’s his actual quote on the general health of the expedition:
”The party is much aflicted with Boils and Several have the Decissentary, which I contribute to the water.” (This is his spelling not mine.)
On June 13 they made camp near the Carlton River near a beautiful open prairie and that’s where I left them last night. Using modern day maps it’s still difficult for me to determine their exact location due to the confusion in names and descriptions. An educated guess would be that they’ve traveled between thirty and forty miles up river from St. Louis.
One last quote can better explain how discipline was carried out back in the good old days. Any current and former sailors will cringe when they read this:
[Clark, June 29, 1804] Camp mouth of the Kanseis June 29th 1804. Ordered a Court martial will Set this day at 11 oClock, to Consist of five members, for the trial of John Collins and Hugh Hall, Confined on Charges exhibited against them by Sergeant Floyd, agreeable to the articles of War. Detail for the Court Sergt Nat. Pryor presd. mbs: 2 John Colter 3 John Newmon 4 Pat. Gass 1 J. B. Thompson John Potts to act as judge advocate. The Court Convened agreeable to order and proceeded to the trial of the Prisoners Viz John Collins Charged "with getting drunk on his post this morning out of whiskey put under his Charge as a Sentinal and for Suffering Hugh Hall to draw whiskey out of the Said Barrel intended for the party" To this Charge the prisoner plead not guilty. The Court after mature deliveration on the evidence abduced &c. are of oppinion that the prisoner is Guilty of the Charge exibited against him, and do therefore Sentence him to recive one hundred Lashes on his bear Back.
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Back to the present and this lovely Maine winter we’re enjoying. The temperature continues to hover in the single digits and I’m still freezing my ass off. I’m hoping for a little relief sometime soon but who knows maybe I’m just kidding myself.
‘Go Steelers Go Pat’s’
Yesterday was football day in this house and as the games were being played my better-half and I decorated our new Super Bowl tree (formerly our X-mas tree). If you remember we decided to keep the tree up for the entire year and to celebrate as many holidays as possible. As you can see by the photo the tree contains a lot of Steeler paraphernalia even though they were soundly defeated last week. After the Pat’s victory last night over the Ravens they’ll soon be properly honored on our tree as well.
Our next tree will be celebrating Valentine’s Day.
The deep freeze continues here in Maine. I just knew that we’d pay dearly for that two weeks of warm temperatures and sunshine we had earlier. Every thing always seems to balance out whether we like it or not. This will certainly be the winter for reading and other indoor activities for us. I’m fortunate enough to be one of those people driven to read everything I can get my hands on and Winter is the prefect time for me.
Recently I downloaded a number of books, essays, and journal transcripts for my Kindle. It’s amazing to me just how many of the classics are now free to anyone to download at their leisure. Last fall I finished reading the autobiography of Ben Franklin and then a book of notes and observations he wrote about his life. It brings his experience to a new level of understanding without my being influenced by people who insist on rewriting history. The old adage of getting information "straight from the horses mouth" has never been truer. That was one of the reasons I first read the Federalist Papers many years ago.
I’ve always been a history buff and I thought I had a good handle on many of the things that took place as this country grew and developed. As usual I was somewhat incorrect. Learning about the history of this country in school depends totally on who supplies the school with text books. Unfortunately it’s human nature when writing to subconsciously slant what your describing in such a way as to reflect your ideals and opinions. Many current text books spend more time apologizing for our country than actually explaining things in the context of the time. It’s terribly unjust to take incidents out of context and then to feed that misinformation to our children claiming it to be the absolute truth. That’s my main reason for always attempting to go directly to the source for much of my information.
This week I began a journey of discovery that made the United States what it is today, at least geographically. I began reading the daily logs and journals of the entire journey of the Lewis and Clark expedition as it moved westward exploring the Louisiana Purchase. It was a grand thing they accomplished but reading the daily entries reveals a whole other side to the story. Their need to hunt for food, bartering with locals, and maintaining discipline within their ranks is gritty and at times difficult to read.
I’m only a few months into their journey as they traveled by boat west up the Missouri River. The spelling and writing of the time is difficult and cumbersome. They used many slang terms and abbreviations making the reading a bit of a chore. It’s worth the effort because the use of the original language seems to take me back to their time. I look forward to learning exactly how difficult and treacherous the expedition really was which in turn will give me a new appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments. The "devil is in the details" as with everything else and I have a driving need to learn those true details.
Being well informed is the responsibility of all citizens. It must include a true knowledge of our history unaffected by liberal academics attempting to rewrite history as they see fit. We all want the truth and believe me, we can handle the truth.
I love cold weather but this is getting ridiculous. My better-half also likes the temperature in the house kept around 65 degrees but even she’s spending more time in the bedroom wrapped in that wonderful electric blanket of ours. We’ve been in the single digits for the last two days and below zero today with wind chills bordering on dangerous and even life threatening.
I may look a little silly wandering around the house at the end of a fifty foot extension cord but I don’t really care. There are certain male body parts that demand warmth and I’m making sure they get it. So what if I have a heating pad stuffed down my sweat pants and who really cares about that stupid looking orange extension cord. I have my priorities set and no one will convince me otherwise.
Trying to stay busy and warm brought me to my next task. I’ve had three gallons of dandelion wine sitting in the man-cave for almost six months. After four months it was still a little too cloudy which required me to take emergency measures to clear it. There’s a product called Sparkloid that is nothing more than very fine clay dust. It’s mixed with water and brought to a boil for twenty minutes or so. Then each gallon jug receives a portion of that mix and is left to settle for a few weeks. It worked like a charm because I now have three gallons of a crystal clear golden liquid the exact color of dandelion blossoms.
After doing a little repair work to my wine racks I began the siphoning and bottling process. My final tally was thirteen bottles of a beautiful wine that actually tastes a little like a Chardonnay but a bit sweeter.
I boiled the corks in clean water and corked each bottle. I put a nice golden cap on each and they’re now reading for storage in the wine rack. As you can see from the photos there are thirteen bottles and a small jar of wine. That small jar I’ll be drinking with my dinner tonight. I want it chilled until it’s close to freezing and then I’ll sip it slowly and savor the flavor. I’ve made dandelion wine a number of times over the years but I think this might be my best batch ever. It’s always a pain in the butt to make dandelion wine because it takes forever to pick and prepare the blossoms. They must be cleaned of all pieces of leaves and debris and then frozen for a week or so. The freezing helps to breakdown the blossoms and convinces them to give up their beautiful color when they’re finally put in with the yeast.
This coming summer will be an interesting time for me because I fully intend to go outside the box with my winemaking projects. I want to make a few batches from ingredients that are not normally used for wine making but trying to do something never done before can be difficult. I look forward to the challenge and hopefully the results will be a few bottles of a really unique wine.
B r r r r !!!
After having a couple of weeks of beautiful sunny and moderately warm weather, the fun is apparently over. These last few days have brought winter back to us with a freaking vengeance. It started two days ago with just four or five inches of snow which living in Maine isn’t all that much. Then came the freezing rain which put down a sheet of ice on top of the snow. Then it decided to just rain for a while to make things even worse.
I was so thrilled to be able to pay some much needed attention to my poor lonely snowblower. Everything was fine until the cold air arrived from somewhere near the arctic circle. For the last twenty-four hours the temperature continued to drop with wind chills ending up well below zero. They say, those dumb ass weather people, that it will continue for another day and will warm up just in time for the first of two snowstorms working their way towards us. Hooray for me! Couple that with my soon to be experienced colonoscopy and 2015 is already not my most favorite year. I could say it’s becoming a real pain in the ass but that pun’s even too corny for the likes of me.
Since all of the snow, sleet and rain have eliminated any possibility of my starting a forest fire I made the decision to clean out my workshop and to have a cute little bonfire to get rid of the wood scraps. I figured even this stupid town we live in wouldn’t attempt to arrest me for failing to obtain a burning permit. That’s just another one of those small fine-print freedoms we’ve lost somewhere along the way. The job was done and the fire was very satisfying for some unknown reason, maybe because I got one over on the town government. Now I can start my bathroom remodel and have enough room left in the workshop to actually do it.
‘’Early Spring Cleaning’
‘Burn Baby Burn’
As I mentioned a week ago my better-half and I decided that we’d make further use of the former Christmas tree throughout this entire new year. We put Christmas to bed this week and packed away all of the decorations for another year. We’ve been slowly collecting appropriate decorations for the next celebration which is the Super Bowl. Unfortunately the Steelers (our favorite team) have been eliminated from the playoffs this year but they’ll be properly honored on our Super Bowl tree. After that’s over we can then plan our decoration of the Valentine’s Day tree.
I’ll be supplying photos of these trees as they happen and yes I know it sounds a little crazy. I’ve always been a big fan of crazy especially outside-the-box crazy. It’s time to turn this year around after a suspiciously sucky start.
I finally feel as if my entire life has been justified and validated. I never thought it would happen but today was the day. I stayed up late last night snuggling warmly on my favorite chair with my Kindle. I’ve been on a reading binge of late but decided to switch from my normal detective novels to some non-fiction. After a thorough search of the Kindle Store I was able to download a number of books and essays that caught my eye.
Just for background purposes you should know that many many times in my life I’ve been accused of being a ‘wise ass’. For me it stopped being something derogatory when I was still in junior high school. It became a badge of honor at that point and I set out to be the best ‘wise ass’ I could be. It’s good to have goals, don’t you know.
I’ve always enjoyed the company of other ‘wise asses’ because we understand each other. We all seem to be quick witted and able to crack wise at a moments notice. It’s not as easy and glamorous as it sounds. It takes years of hard work and dedication just to get to the level where your recognized by others after just a few minutes of conversation.
Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain
I also enjoyed reading as a teenager and I became hooked on anything written by Mark Twain. It became obvious very quickly that while Mark Twain could spin a tale like nobody’s business his alter ego, Samuel Clemens, was the ultimate sarcastic wise ass. The more sarcastic and glib he became the more in demand he was. Last night I began reading his essay on "The Decay of the Art of Lying" and it took just a few paragraphs for me to realize that I needed to give more thought to lying in general and really good lying in particular. This quote stood out in just the first paragraph:
"No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted."
Another favorite ‘wise ass’ of mine was Will Rogers. Although he died in a plane crash in Alaska in 1935 much of his writings and quotations can be found everywhere. He was the leading political wit of the Progressive Era, and was a top-paid Hollywood movie star at the same time. He was another ‘wise ass’ who made it big before his untimely death. His good-old-boy approach to ridicule and humor made him funny, well liked, with a sarcasm that was dripping with honey. He was the sort who could take you to task for something stupid you’ve done and have you laughing at yourself as he left the room.
It’s a real shame that both of these ‘wise asses’ weren’t able to live long enough to see how our current political figures of both parties have proudly carried the art form of lying to new heights.
I’ve always been good at spinning a yarn to avoid lying but maybe I should have just blurted out the truth. Clemens stated rather emphatically that everyone lies. Whether it’s a little white lie or a lie of omission, it’s still a lie. We are a nation of liars. I honestly believe I prefer things the way they are because telling the absolute truth regardless of the consequences can get nasty and unfriendly very quickly. It makes the age old question "Does my ass look too big in this dress?" a life threatening situation. No thank you. Here’s one last quote from Clemens to support my position:
"None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller, but thank goodness none of us have to. A habitual truth-teller is an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Everybody lies-every day; every hour; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception-and purposely."
I’m an even bigger fan of Samuel Clemens and Will Rogers that I was previously. It’s nice to see a few sarcastic ‘wise asses’ make the big time. I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge them with this self-created Wise Ass Appreciation Day. Thankfully for all of us their works will live on forever.
Wise Asses – 2
The Rest of the World – 0
Well we’ve all survived another year. I guess we should be congratulated but maybe not. Over the New Years holiday I made the mistake of catching up on some TV watching. I should have known better but as always I thought there might be something interesting on. How stupid am I?
I was working on a project and had the TV playing in the background. I was excited about the project since I’ve been working on it for more years than I care to think about. I was working intently but my subconscious was inundated with three hours of religious doom and gloom. The "End of Days" and "Armageddon" we’re just some of the topics I was hearing and it depressed me enough that I turned the channel. I then found myself in the midst of a mini-marathon of the Walking Dead program which for me was even worse than the religious nonsense.
The bottom line was that I disconnected the damn TV and fell back on the good old reliable music that I love. I recently created a new playlist which is killer. It’s a collection of three of my all time favorite female blues singers, Anita Baker, Billie Holiday, and Amy Winehouse. It was absolutely wonderful with Billie singing Loverman, followed closely by Amy singing Back to Black, and then Anita bringing it home with Sweet Love. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
Back to this crazy project of mine. Over a ten year period back in the nineties I created a collection of collages containing articles and things from my life. Some were four feet square with an variety of other sizes as well. I called them my life panels. I always intended to have them framed and then put together to create a wall. Here I am twenty-five years later and even though they’ve been in storage for all of that time they still look pretty good. They’ve never been displayed at all but have moved from place to place with with me awaiting enough wall space to put them up.
This current man-cave of mine has slowly turned into someplace special but I still don’t have enough wall space. I solved that problem this week by turning my life panels into the ceiling above my computer desk. The picture that follows was taken as I was lying on my back on the floor looking up.
What better way to start 2015 than to resurrect my life panels and to display them proudly. I can now lean back in my chair and see more than twenty years of my life displayed for my enjoyment. Happy New Year to me. . . .
AND TO YOU!
Well these few days of peace and quiet after Christmas are really starting to lose their magic. All of this noiselessness is beginning to make me a little antsy and on top of that the weather is insanely mild. I’ve lived in Maine for a long time and I’ve never seen weather in the mid-fifties with sunshine the week before New Years Day. While its saving us a great deal of money in heating oil costs it’s still a bit unsettling.
Yesterday was warm and sunny and there was no way we were staying home. We spent a good part of the day in the city of Portland and the surrounding area. We had a quick snack while on the road for lunch because we were planning on dinner at my favorite restaurant later in the day. It’s only my favorite restaurant because they serve the best damn catfish I’ve ever had. It’s called Famous Dave’s and it’s menu is good old down home southern food all the way. Lots of BBQ and an entire table full of hot sauce choices which make me sweat just thinking about them.
We ate until we were stuffed and I even tried two of their moonshine margaritas. It’s moonshine instead of tequila with the glass rimmed with salt flavored with BBQ sauce. I know it sounds a little strange but they are delicious. They also require the assistance of a designated driver because after just two they tend to make you a little weak in the knees.
We’re planning for a quiet New Years celebration with Chinese food, two glasses, and a bottle of good champagne. After that good meal we’ll settle in for some of the celebrations scheduled on the always helpful television. Watch the ball drop, get a long and mushy kiss, drink some champagne and slide quietly into bed. The better-half works early the next morning so we can’t really make a late night of it.
If you’re driving or going out for the evening be sure to bring along a good designated driver or hire a limo but by all means be safe. Start the new year off properly without any DUI’s, accidents, or worse.
HAPPY 2015
everyuselessthing.com 