Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
This quiz may interest some of you trivia experts. This is truly a “Miscellaneous” selection from many and varied categories of trivia. As always, the answers will be posted below.
- How large was the fund bequeathed in 1896 by Alfred Nobel to establish the annual Nobel Prizes?
- What philosophy was expounded by the American League for Physical Culture, established in 1929?
- What was the first word that the blind Helen Keller learned in sign language from her teacher, Annie Sullivan?
- How much weight is saved by an airline if it doesn’t paint a Jumbo Jet?
- What was used to erase lead pencil marks before the rubber eraser was invented?
- What did Nippon Airways do to keep birds from being sucked into their plane’s engines?
- Who was described in Playboy magazine as “Mary Poppins in Joan Collins’ clothing?
- What did Lizzie Borden, Napolean, and Titian have in common?
- How big is a cord of wood?
- Where are the islands of Langerhans?
Answers
$9.2 million, Nudism, Water, 300 lbs., Pieces of Bread, They painted large eyes on engine intake manifolds, Vanna White, They were red heads, 4’X4’X8′ long, In the human body – Pancreas.
It’s “Weird Facts” Day here at Everyuselessthing. I’m offering a few odd and strange truisms you’ve probably never heard of before. Just another public service for those of you interested in the unusual. Some of this information was collected from a book authored by Dan Lewis in 2013. This is my homage to him, a fellow lover of the weirdness that is the human race.
- In August 1962, American singer Bobby “Boris” Pickett released a novelty Halloween song “Monster Mash”. The song (his only hit) reached the top of the US Billboard charts in October of that year. But it took more than ten years for it to have any success in the UK. In 1962, the BBC banned the song from the airwaves, claiming it was “too morbid.” When the song was finally rereleased in 1973, the BBC saw it immediately rise to number three on the UK charts.
- The Mona Lisa is not painted on canvas, but on three pieces of wood roughly an inch and a half thick.
- Major League Baseball pitcher Jim Abbott was born without a right hand. Nevertheless, he had a ten-year career in the league, and on September 4, 1993, threw a no-hitter.
- New York City is filled with carts selling hotdogs, pretzels, cold drinks, etc., with the core products running just a few bucks, depending on location. Central Park spots can earn as much as $175,000.00 annually, says Yahoo.com, and in 2008, one vendor bid more than $600,000.00 for the exclusive rights to sell wieners outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
- Toilet paper is not the greatest thing since sliced bread. It can’t be, because TP predated slice bread by more than 50 years. Commercial TP was invented in 1857 by a New Yorker named Joseph Gayetty, who sold packs of 500 sheets for $.50. It’s marketing language called the product “the greatest necessity of the age,” so perhaps, sliced bread is the greatest thing since toilet paper.
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY
Today is as good a day as any to be silly. Here are fifteen quotes from a group of somewhat silly people. I do suspect some of them aren’t as silly as they seem to be.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Willl Durst
“Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.” Carry Nation
“Every time I look at you, I get the fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself. Mae West
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” Bob Rubin
“This gum tastes funny.” Sign on a condom machine.
“It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will Durst
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Sigmund Freud
“Formula for Success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” John Paul Getty
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.” Henny Youngman
“The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.” Gerald Nachman
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown
“Your medical tests results are in. You’re short, fat, and bald.” Ziggy
“My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.” Emo Philips
😋😋😋
GET SILLY
STAY SILLY
I don’t know about you, but the last week of news seems to have taken over any and all discussions about everything. Today is as good a day as any for a break from the landslide of BS from the liberal left. I’ll supply all of you with some bawdy humor to take the edge off of all the whining and crying I’ve been hearing. Turmoil is exactly what this government needs but we mustn’t let them destroy our sense of humor along with it. If these jokes make anyone smile then that’s a “mission success” for me.
It was his wedding night, and the minister finished undressing in the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. He was surprised to see that his bride had already slipped between the sheets. “My dear,” he said, “I thought I would find you on your knees.” She said, “Well, honey, I can do it that way too, but it gives me the hiccoughs.”
👴🏻👴🏻👴🏻
Here’s one for my fellow retirees.
***
So, this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny flat on the lower east side when the husband said, “Doris, we’re in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn’t due until next week and we’ve got no money for food.” “Could I do anything to help?” she asked. “Yes” he said. “I hate to see you do this but it’s the only way. You’re going to have to go out and hustle your ass on the street.” “Me?” she said. “At the age of sixty-five?” “It’s the only way,” he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the hot night. She came staggering early the next morning. “How did you do?” asked the husband. “Here,” she said, “I’ve got four dollars and ten cents.” “Four dollars and ten cents,” he said. “Who gave you the ten cents?” “Everybody,” she exclaimed.
👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️👮🏻♀️
And finally, one for our law enforcement community.
***
A bobby from Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function.
Deceived his good wife
for the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable’s truncheon.
👮🏻👮🏻👮🏻
I know there are millions of Disney fans in this country and maybe not as many they’d like due to recent political choices made by their management. My better-half surprised me with an article dated July 1993 containing a Disney World trivia quiz. Please don’t email me to tell me that some of the answers aren’t accurate because this retro quiz contains information that’s thirty-two years old. Here are ten questions for those true Disney lovers out there. As always, the answers will be posted below.
- Mickey’s Starland opened in 1988 with a different name. What was the name and why?
- How many countries are included in World Showcase? Name them in order around the lagoon.
- What is the name of the shipwrecked boat atop Mount Mayday at Typhon lagoon?
- What is the name of the first hotel ever constructed at Walt Disney World?
- The Empress Lillie at the Disney Village Marketplace is named after what lucky lady?
- What is the name of the largest water slide at Typhon Lagoon?
- What two colonial cities inspired the design of The Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom?
- What is the hat size of the Mickey Mouse ears atop the Disney-MGM Studios Theme Park’s landmark, the Eiffel Tower?
- The Magic of Disney Animation at Disney’s-MGM Studios Theme Park is narrated by two famous personalities? Who are they?
- What Disney World resort is home to Doubloon Lagoon, a themed swimming pool with a serpent?
🐭🐭🐭
Answers
Mickey’s Birthdayland (his 60th), 11- Mexico-Norway-China-Germany-Italy-USA-Japan-Morocco-France-England-Canada, The Miss Tilly, The Contemporary, Walt’s wife Lillian, Humunga Kowagunga, Philadelphia & Boston, 342 1/2, Robin Williams & Walter Cronkite, Magic Journeys.
I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
- Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
- The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
- Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
- The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
- In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
- Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
- There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
- The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
- The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
THANKS FOR THE GRAPHICS JOKO JOKES
After seeing the great response to my recent Cowboy/Western limericks, I decided to expand my Cowboy/Western repertoire to include some western humor that was once appreciated by some of our older generations. To me, funny is funny, regardless of when it was introduced so get out those Cowboy hats, have a cold beer, and give me a huge YEE HAW!
- The worst record ever cut came out of a local Nashville studio. The song is so bad it’s already replaced capital punishment in 15 states. It’s also #1 on the Billboard charts throughout Central America.
- A scientist in Tennessee has spent twenty years studying the mating habits of the Smokey Mountain squirrels. His findings will be released to the public in a new book titled: “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex in a Nutshell.”
- A rancher paid an enormous stud fee for the use of a neighbor’s prize bull. The bull had a choice of twenty lovely cows, but a month went by and nothing happened. Finally, the rancher called his friend and complained. “Relax, “soothed the studs owner. “He’s just not in the moo-o-o-o-d!”
FRONTIER FACT
Since no insurance was available to the early settlers our ancestors really went west in “uncovered” wagons.
C & W POETRY:
There once was a singer name Dolly
Who had loads of great talent by golly.
She out croons the rest
But the best is her chest
That shakes like a quake when she’s jolly.
- Did you hear about the country boy who became a nudist. He wanted to get his soul and body in Harmony. Harmony’s father shot him.
- A girl was hired to wait tables in a Country/Western nightclub. She was given a cowboy hat, boots, and a very scanty outfit. Being the modest type, she stood in front of the dressing room mirror for thirty minutes adjusting the costume until she was satisfied that she was showing as little as possible. She walked nervously into the barroom and went to work. Later that evening her boss called her aside. “Well, did you like the job? The people?” “Yes sir”, she replied. And how are your tips?”, he asked. “Oh God”, she muttered. “Do they show?”
🤠🤠🤠
Being a huge fan of trivia of all sorts, todays post is a quiz of World trivia. This is quite a difficult test and should challenge just about everyone taking it. If you consider yourself a trivia aficionado, then this quiz will definitely test your skills. As always, the answers will be posted at the end of this post. Good luck!
- Which continent is the highest – with more than half of it 6,562 feet above sea level?
- At what speed was the Titanic traveling when it struck the iceberg and sank on its 1912 maiden voyage?
- What four Asian countries are known in economic circles as the Four Tigers?
- What country includes the islands of New Britain and New Ireland?
- Who was the first non-head of state – living or dead – to be depicted on a postage stamp?
- What great ruler died of a nosebleed on his wedding night?
- What was blamed for the death of Emperor Claudius and Tiberius, Czar Alexander I, Pope Clement VII and Charles V of France?
- What is the most popular first name in the world?
- What continent has no glaciers?
Answers
Antarctica, 22 knots-or just a little more than 25mph, Hong Kong-Singapore-South Korea-Taiwan, Russia, Papua New Guinea, Benjamin Franklin 1847, Atilla the Hun AD 453, Poison mushrooms, Muhammad, Australia
HOW DID YOU DO?
Being a former police office was an eye-opening experience. Your life is a constant challenge when dealing with criminals, domestic violence, and hundreds of other petty and sometimes stupid crimes and incidents. My first year required that I ride with a more experienced officer who would further explain the job and the handling of the many different types of incidents. Even back then I maintained a diary of sorts for unusual cases and unforgettable moments. It also was extremely handy to have that book as reference material when appearing in court. I always referred to it as my Cover-My-Ass diary. It would eventually be replaced many years later by the bodycam. The veteran officer also explained to me his philosophy on law enforcement very quaintly. “If it wasn’t for the stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone.” He meant it tongue-in-cheek, but it was also true in many cases. Here are a few tidbits I’ve saved from my old files and additional research.
- Two men once tried to pull off the front of an ATM machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
- An Arizona company specializing in staging gunfights for western movies, received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was later sentenced to four years in jail.
- A man had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted as passengers. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
- A judge decided that a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
- When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a parked motor home, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very ill man curled up next to the motor home near a puddle of spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal the gasoline but plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
- A drug-possession defendant claimed he had been searched by police without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” observed in his jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said the defendant, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it to the judge who discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
- Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering the US from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves if checked by border agents, while the truck actually concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not too bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.
- A defendant was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week. The store manager testified that he was indeed the robber. The defendant jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, “I should have blown your [expletive] head off.” He then quickly added, “-if I’d been the one that was there.” The jury took 20 minutes to convict him and recommended a 30-year sentence.
🚨🚓🚨
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES
(Forest Gump)
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
💥
Old trappers were oft heard to say
A beaver was not a bad lay.
But buggery ain’t easy
For the timid or queasy,
For the tail always gets in the way.
💥💥
A cowboy who from eastern Montana
Found sex in a devious manner.
He bored monstrous holes
in telegraph poles,
And thrust in his giant banana.
💥💥💥
A whore from the plains of Nebraska
Would do anything you would ask her.
You could lay her all day,
At nominal pay,
But, oh, how you paid nine days after.
💥💥💥💥
The caldrons of Yellowstone Park
Are no place to have sex in the dark.
A young ranger once tried –
Now his balls look deep-fried
And his prick looks like a stick with no bark.
🐴🤠🏹
YEE HAW, BOYS AND GIRLS
everyuselessthing.com 