Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Five shopping days leaves little time to do much of anything. In keeping with the holiday I thought a little Christmas poetry was in order. This year for me has been more than a little strange. Broken bones and weight loss were my themes this year and thankfully I found this version of “The Night Before Christmas” written for strictly for us dieters. Enjoy!
The Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
Dieting for me isn’t quite Christmassy enough. Many years ago I had a “friend” sent me this next version which was much more to my liking. Sex always sells so why not a sexy “Twas the Nite Before” instead of the traditional version. Maybe on Christmas Eve I’ll sent along a copy of the original to get us all into the real Christmas spirit. Enjoy this off-color version for now.
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”
FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.
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Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
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Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England
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Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
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Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England
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Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England
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Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
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Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
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Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist
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Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland
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Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker
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Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont
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Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England
I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?
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My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
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“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra
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“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
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“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)
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“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
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“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill
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“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis
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“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp
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“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost
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“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi
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“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx
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“Truth to your own spirit” Jim Morrison
GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.
Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.
Drink Less Alcohol
Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Get a Better Job
Get Fit
Lose Weight
Manage Debt
Manage Stress
Quit Smoking
Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
Save Money
Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing. However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens. Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.
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Visit your local senior center.
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Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
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Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
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Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
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Learn how to use the Internet.
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Schedule regular exercise.
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Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
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Get your papers/affairs in order.
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Consider a personal emergency response system.
Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior. Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.
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I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
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Focus more on the music.
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By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
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As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
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Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
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Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
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Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
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Take guitar lessons.
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Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.
My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.
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Work on my flexibility.
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Whiten those teeth.
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Work at least four days a week.
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Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
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Wake up sober on Thursdays.
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I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.
All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for. I’d hate to be forced to again resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.
More to come.
I’m what you might consider a “foodie”. I love to cook and above all I love to eat. It might explain why I’m in the middle of a six month weight loss program. As a kid I always looked forward to the holiday season primarily due to my grandmothers Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners. Every country and ethnic group has their own list of traditions for the holidays and compared to the United States they can be just a bit strange and a few are a little disgusting. Some are fun but they all accomplish the same basic things as ours. Time with family, friends, and memories of past holidays and family members.
Here are a few I discovered while surfing which are very interesting. I can guarantee one thing after reading them, I’ll never be attending Christmas dinners anywhere in Scandinavia. I love seafood but OMFG.
Japan
In Japan it’s customary to go out and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner from a nearby KFC of course. Thousands of people flock to KFC’s to enjoy some finger licking chicken and the Christmas rush has become so huge that some branches take table bookings.
Peru
In Peru, the big day is Noche Buena or “Good Night”, on December 24. On this night, after mass, everybody goes home to open gifts and feast on an elaborately prepared Christmas meal of traditional roasted turkey. At midnight, the adults toast with champagne and children raise their glasses of hot chocolate as fireworks shine in the night sky.
Bulgaria
In Bulgaria they cook 12 dishes to represent the 12 months of the year but they eat no meat. A typical feast consists of nuts, dried plums, cakes and banitza (a pastry). Walnuts are a necessary component of the meal as each family member cracks one in order to determine their fate for the next year.
France
Traditionally the French dine on a starter of fresh oysters served with rye bread and butter and lemon juice or shallot vinegar. Some households may also eat smoked salmon or escargots (snails). This dish is then followed by a second starter of Coquilles St Jacques (Scallops with mushrooms and white wine).
Italy
After the meatless day before Christmas, Italians often enjoy a delicious Christmas dinner that includes other meats. From lamb to roast beef, turkey or pork, Italians often include foods other than fish on their tables on Christmas day. Salads and antipasto are often the first course. Broccoli, eggplant, peppers and other vegetables are featured in side dishes. Pasta’s, a staple of Italian cooking, are also included on the big day, in baked dishes or as homemade vermicelli. Crostini, a dry toasted bread, is often included in the meal. Fruits and nuts may also make an appearance as well as desserts and sweets. Try your hand at making belfanini an anise flavored cookie.
Puerto Rico
Popular dishes include roast pig, rice and pea dishes, coquito or eggnog made with rum and coconut milk, coconut custard, fried plantains, and nuts. Many families also celebrate with unique dishes only made during the holiday season.
Sweden
Swedish Julafton (Christmas Eve dinner) typically consists of a smorgasbord with julskinka (a type of Christmas ham), lutefisk (pickled pigs feet), dried codfish, sliced gravlax (raw salmon cured in salt, sugar and dill), pickled herring and an assortment of sweets.
Norway
They enjoy pinnekjøtt which is salted lamb ribs for the main course. To compliment the meat they tend to eat mashed rutabaga (also known as swede) which is kind of like our turnips. Another favorite meat at Christmas is the lambs head to go along with the lamb ribs. This is boiled and salted (minus the brains) and the head is eaten from front to back with the tongue and eye muscles being particularly yummy cuts.
Czech Republic
Christmas is a very religious and peaceful time in the Czech Republic and everyone fasts for one day in the run up to the Christmas meal. They then start with a fish soup which is followed by the tradition of carp. This is often accompanied by a potato salad including onions, cooked carrots, pickled gherkins, cooked eggs and mayonnaise. This is prepared on Christmas Eve and allowed to ‘mellow’ for a day before eating. YUM?????
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You see what I mean about Scandinavia. Truly some acquired tastes there. I hope you’re finished with your shopping and are preparing to relax and enjoy the holiday. I know, I know, who am I kidding. You’re probable a bunch of Christmas Eve shoppers who get off on the big crowds and incidental body contact. Another unusual Christmas tradition that started in NYC on the subways. LOL
I received my second gift of this Fall season yesterday. My first gift was my broken leg that occurred at the end of October. The second gift was the doctor declaring my leg healed after just six weeks and ordering the removal of the air cast and those dirty, rotten, miserable, and effing crutches. Also, he felt physical therapy wouldn’t be necessary either. He slapped on a small and unobtrusive ankle brace which allows me to once again wear a normal shoe and walk on two feet. I was on my way home and I was thrilled BUT . . . . .
You’d think I’d be happier but over the years I’ve discovered that every silver cloud has a dark and disturbing chewing center. During my two months of hopping around on one leg I forgot just how much of a negative effect not using that leg could be. I lost almost thirty percent of the muscle mass in my leg in just 2 months. I also was so concerned about the broken bone that I gave very little thought to the damage my knee suffered in the same accident. Now that I’m able to put full weight on the leg the knee is screaming for attention. I gave up the cast for an ankle brace and gave up the crutches for a knee brace. There seems to be no end to this madness and some one somewhere is intent on having me hobbled for Christmas. It’s a little spooky.
I decided to celebrate with my better-half on my return to two legged walking and we planned a night out to have some fun. First we had to babysit the grandson on my first nite back which was fun like always. My better-half returned to work the next day and upon her arrival home she was complaining endlessly about all of the sick employees who’d been calling off and leaving early due to some kind of virus. The next morning I was lying in bed and felt the dreaded tickle in the back of my throat. Twenty-four hours later I’m sneezing, my nose is running, and the fever is building. I’ve now been on my back for two days with some sort of damn flu courtesy of either my grandson or my better-half. K M N !!!
If I don’t catch anymore diseases or break anymore bones I hope to be back on my feet by Christmas. I’d just be happy to feel good and be able to walk into the kitchen unaided by anyone or anything. I certainly hope New Years remains uneventful. I’ll be locking myself up in solitary confinement on the 26th and staying there for the rest of the month. No contact with my better-half, no visits from my cat, and especially no visits or contact from that disease carrying little runt of a grandson. The party will be a quiet one but at least I’ll be feeling better. I’m hoping against hope that 2014 is a vast improvement over this year.
And here’s the cherry on top of my December sundae. I awoke this morning to find fifteen inches of snow covering everything. I immediately attacked it with my snow blower to help my better-half go to work. Big surprise, I traveled no more than 100 feet and it died. They say things come in threes so I think I should be good for a while.
DECK THE EFFING HALLS
I’ve been fighting the good fight against political correctness for more years than I care to admit. All in all it’s made no difference whatsoever. It hasn’t changed my thinking in the least but I’m out numbered by people and government institutions that have more money and power than I. They’ve made political correctness a permanent part of the American landscape and I’m not sure what it will take to get us back on track. The only thing I’m absolutely sure is that I won’t be alive to see the change if it ever comes.
I’ll continue to fight the good fight and ridicule those politically correct fools whenever possible and use my sarcasm as a weapon against them. With that in mind I present for your edification the following article. It was sent to me by a long time friend in KC who is another warrior against political correctness. It made me laugh and then after I thought about it some more I stopped laughing. You sports fanatics will appreciate this.
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I agree with our Native American population—I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as warriors, but nay nay…. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.
Let’s ditch The Kansas City Chiefs, The Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your panties are in a bunch because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns as well.
The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of the militant Blacks from the 60’s alive. Gone. Offensive to us white folk.
The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war between the states that cost this country so many young men’s lives. Besides, the South shall rise again!!
I’m also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our football team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres. The fact that there are birds on their shirts does not protect either the Arizona or the St. Louis Cardinals—gone!
Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged as their way of life. We are talking the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children—and it is all about the children. The Green Bay Packers and the St. Louis Rams–promote gay men. Wrong message to our children.
The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible spending habits. Wrong message to our children.
The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity–a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.
The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Drugs is definitely a wrong message to our children.
The Milwaukee Brewers—well, that goes without saying…. Wrong message to our children.
So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. A high priority directly behind efficiently managing our country’s health care.
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We will soon be watching the Unicorns vs Kittens on Sunday afternoons. GO UNICORNS, KICK THE HELL OUT OF THEM KITTENS! Can I get an amen?
A few years ago I posted this story more as therapy for myself than anything else. I suffer from a nagging case of Santa PTSB that recurs every December. I want it to be known that I was fighting terrorism as a six year old before it became fashionable. Each time I repost this story it helps me with my Santa issues like nothing else can. That big fat and jolly SOB is known in our house as Osama Bin Santa and the only difference between him and other terrorists is that Santa loves victimizing young kids. With that in mind here’s my scary and terrifying Christmas story.
As a young child my parents made every attempt to make Christmas memorable for my sister and me. My sister was very young and I was just turning 6 years old. I still firmly believed all the stories about Santa’s elves and all the other good stuff. In the back of my young mind there was a seed of skepticism secretly growing. I was beginning to have serious doubts about Santa and my parents as well. A lot of what I was being told by my trusted family members wasn’t what I was hearing on the street (school yard). My friends had almost convinced me that the whole Santa thing was just BS and that the adults were actually the real gift givers. It think it was at that early age that my trust issues with authority figures first began.
My parents began to suspect I was wavering and their propaganda was now falling on deaf ears. In a conspiracy involving my mother, her sister, my grandparents, and my Dad it was decided that drastic action was immediately necessary to convince me that Santa was the real deal. I’d been acting out a lot and being a little disrespectful to my elders so it was time for Santa to step in and straighten me out once and for all.
It was the week before Christmas and we were visiting my grandparents. I was being a huge pain in the ass as usual like a lot of six-year-olds can be at that time of the year. It was just after dark and I was walking through the house down a narrow hallway towards the kitchen. It was dark outside and as I passed the window I glanced over and almost had a six-year-old heart attack. There was Santa looking back at me and smiling a frightening smile. My blood turned cold and I got the hell out of there screaming all the way upstairs to hide under the bed. My parents let me know in no uncertain terms that Santa was out looking for those children who were being good and keeping an eye on those that weren’t. I was on the latter list, of course.
For the next few days I was a complete angel but after dark I was still nervous about looking out the windows. Santa the terrorist had accomplished his mission. I saw him again on two or three other occasions over the next two Christmases, once at our house, and again in the coal cellar at my grandparents home. Unfortunately I’d already consulted with my knowledgeable friends at the playground and I was officially a nonbeliever by then. I went along with the charade for as long as possible since my parents were giving the gifts. They finally had a meeting and decided I was just playing them for extra toys and my game was over.
Many years later while I was digging through an old trunk in my aunt’s bedroom I discovered where Santa had been hiding for all these many years. His retirement consisted of being tucked under a pile of sheets and pillowcases in that old trunk. My aunt laughed until she cried when I confronted her. We relived a very special and scary Christmas memory and enjoyed the moment very much.
What I never told her or my parents was the lingering collateral damage from their actions. To this day during the Christmas season I’m careful in dark rooms and hallways and try never to look out the windows, NEVER. In the malls and stores where Santa is holding court I stay the hell away. That guy still scares the bejesus out of me. Terrorism is no joke.
Well, we’re left with only 15 shopping days till Christmas. Instead of writing about myself and my Christmas stories, which I’ll save for later time, I found a few others that are both humorous and funny. The first story comes out of the great state of Connecticut and took place a few yeas ago. In my experience Connecticut has always had an overabundance of strange folks wandering the streets and once again I’ve been proven correct. I’ve never known anyone who found Santa all that sexy but apparently they’re a few people out there who do. Here we go.
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DANBURY, Conn. (AP) — Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice. A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him. “The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted,” police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the weekend complaint.
Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.
Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles. A call seeking comment from Lamy was answered by a recording Tuesday morning. A woman later called back and said: “It’s a false report and I don’t have any idea.”
Police did not give the name of the disconcerted Santa, but they said he is 65 and felt badly because children were waiting to see him. “He was apparently shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident,” Myles said.
A man who teaches hundreds of prospective Santa’s a year _ “Santa Tim” Connaghan, president of realsantas.com, said he’s never heard of a similar incident, though it’s not unusual for adults to want to pose with Santa.
“I’ve had some very nice ladies sit on my lap,” said Connaghan, who did not train the Danbury Fair Santa. “Once in a while they’ll say ‘I hope Mrs. Claus isn’t going to be upset.’ You have to be discreet and kind and say ‘Oh no, she’ll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'”
A spokeswoman for Cherry Hill Photo, the company that coordinates Santa’s for Danbury Fair, declined to comment Tuesday.
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Here’s a short list of the many and varied ways you can say Merry Christmas around the world. It may not interest some of you and that’s okay, enjoy them anyway.
Glaedelig Jul – Danish
Vrolijike Kerst – Dutch
Hyvvaa Joulua – Finnish
Frohe Weihnachten – German
Kala Christouyenna – Greek
Gledileg Jol – Icelandic
Buon Natale – Italian
God Jul – Norwegian
Feliz Natal – Portuguese
God Jul – Swedish
Iyi Noeller – Turkish
There’s always room for more Christmas trivia. I think it’s a good thing to see and understand just how this holiday developed and has been interpreted around the world in so many different cultures.
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Christmas Eve in Japan is a good day to eat fried chicken and strawberry shortcake.
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Michigan has no official state song, but one, ‘Michigan, My Michigan,’ is frequently used. The words were written in 1863, and the melody used is that of the Christmas song “O Tannenbaum”.
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Electric Christmas lights were first used in 1854.
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America’s official national Christmas tree is located in King’s Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the “General Grant Tree”, is over 90 meters (300 feet) high, and was made the official Christmas tree in 1925.
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The first department store to feature a visit with Santa was the J. W. Parkinson’s store in Philadelphia in 1841. Astonishingly, no other department stores copied this event until 1890 when a store in Boston repeated it. Before long lines of children formed at stores across America to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him their Christmas wish list. The department store Santa has been immortalized in films such as Miracle on 34th Street and Christmas Story.
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“Jingle Bells” was originally written for a Thanksgiving celebration, in 1857.
Well, there you have it. Another short collection of useless Christmas trivia. It amazes me just how much information is available about Christmas not just here in the United States but around the world. The more I search the more I find and just so you know I intend to keep searching. Hopefully within the next day or two I’ll post my Christmas story involving Santa and and his visits to my home in Pennsylvania oh so many years ago.
As we slowly approach Christmas Day I find a need to continue with my blogging of all things Christmas. After the last few days of watching my better-half bake enough cookies and breads to feed an army I’m ready to scream. Even with this broken leg my weight loss program continues and all these goodies in the house with their fantastic smells is driving me crazy. So I decided to hide out in the man-cave and work on a few postings. Anything to stay away from the kitchen. I’ve lost almost thirty pounds so far and the last thing I need is a Christmas holiday season full of candies and cookies.
The first thing I’d like to pass on today are a few thoughts from past and present celebrities. I know how most of you hang on their every word and I hope you enjoy this short look into their thought processes.
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‘I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.’ Bernard Manning
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‘I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.’ Shirley Temple
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‘A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.’ Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?’
Arlo Guthrie
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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Anonymous
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‘Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.’ Victor Borge
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‘The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. T hey couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.’ Jay Leno
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‘Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!’ Ogden Nash
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Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Next I offer you a few Christmas movie quotes. I live in a family obsessed with remembering movie quotes. Having a conversation with them and not being a movie expert makes communicating difficult at times. These quotes are for them and anyone else who’s interested.
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Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
You know… the birth of Santa.
Bart Simpson
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Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke! Muppet Movie
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Doris: Would you please tell her that you’re not really Santa Claus, that there actually is no such person?
Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
‘Miracle on 34th Street’
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Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. It’s A Wonderful Life
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Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.
The Santa Clause Movie
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Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? A Charlie Brown Christmas
I’m not a fan of watching Christmas movies which puts me immediately in the minority. It seems everyone’s Christmas memories include one or two “special” movies that they enjoyed as kids. I stumbled on a website recently that listed the following movies as the Ten Best Christmas Movies ever. I can honestly say I haven’t seen more than three of the movies on their list. They may be right but I’m not the guy to make that call. It does seem a little odd that there are no mentions made of any recent movies like “Home Alone” or “Christmas Vacation” with Chevy Chase. Just a thought from a non-Christmas movie person.
Christmas In Connecticut (1945) – Barbara Stanwyck
It’s A Wonderful Life (1946) – Frank Capra [Best Christmas Movie]
Miracle On 34th Street (1947) – Kris Kringle
Scrooge (1951) – Alistair Sim
White Christmas (1954) – Bing Crosby Classic
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Mister Magoo’s Christmas Carol
A Christmas Story (1883) – Bob Clark
Joyeux Noel (2005) – WW1 Football Game in the Trenches
Olive the Other Reindeer
I think that’ll do it for today. If you have any suggestions on improving that movie list feel free to say so and I’ll post your changes.
16 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
My better-half has an addiction. It’s one of those addictions that isn’t one that is so terrible that rehab becomes an issue. Her addiction is more like being madly in love rather than addicted. I kid her about it a lot but it’s always in good, clean fun. I dedicate this posting to her and the huge garbage bag of bottle caps she’s been saving for the last thirty years. At this rate we may have enough to build her a small drinking establishment made completely of bottle caps. If we do build something like that I think it should look something like this so all of her male friends, family, and co-workers can be totally comfortable.
Now let’s get started with a list of some of her most favorite topics which are always beer related.
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The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at the local pub costs just 30 cents (10.50 CZK) while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents (30 CZK). Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, or 10 CZK, for a half liter).
A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
In 1888 citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
In merry old England, town inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day.
The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
In Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
Beer was often served for breakfast in medieval England.
It was customary in the 13th century to baptize children with beer.
A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
The Budweiser Clydesdales weight up to 2,300 pounds and stand nearly 6 feet at the shoulder.
12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use champagne yeast.
The oldest known written recipe is for beer.
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This posting should kick off her holiday celebration this year. I’ll be helping her stock up on her beer inventory because the worst thing that can happen is for her to run out too early. We’ll have to search diligently for a proper beer that’s special enough to be left out for Santa. To hell with that milk and cookies nonsense. In this house it’s beer and pretzels.
Little does she know that I was awake last Christmas eve when she slid quietly out of bed and drank all of Santa’s beer. My parents couldn’t fool me with the milk and cookies scam and she needs to know she can’t either. On top of everything else I hate waking up Christmas morning with a bed full of salt and pretzel chunks. They can hurt!
