Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I thought today since its rather comfortable and cool I should leisurely look through my archives for a few dirty jokes to make you smile. We are expecting a rather nasty heat wave heading our way and I won’t be smiling much longer. Also, these are really just off-color jokes rather than the plain old filthy and dirty jokes I’ve posted previously.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on his porch in his favorite rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down. “Grandpa, what the hell are you doing?”, he asked. The old man looked off in the distance and didn’t answer him. “Grandpa, what are you doing sitting here naked below the waist?, he asked once again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a really stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”
Q. What’s the difference between your wages and a penis?
A. You don’t have to beg your girlfriend to blow your wages.
A wife went to see her therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doctor.” Every time we’re in bed and my husband has an orgasm, he lets out an earsplitting yell.” My dear, the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” The problem is dammit, it keeps waking me up.”
There are three girls, and their boyfriends who all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. The first stated, “I call my man Seven Up.” They asked her, “Why do you call your man that?” She says, “Because he has 7 inches and it’s always up.” They then asked the second girl what she calls her man. She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.” Why on earth do you call him that?” She says, Because he likes to mount and do me.” They then asked the third girl the same question and she replied, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.” They look at her in a puzzled way, Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!” She stated emphatically, “EXACTLY!”
THE WORD OF THE DAY IS LEGS
Spread the word!!
Games and gamers seen to be all the rage these days and I absolutely love it. I’ve been a computer gamer for more than twenty-five years and have enjoyed every minute of it. I became quite proficient at almost every gaming system I could find. This quiz will address everyone’s knowledge about games, so lets see how we do. The answers are listed below.
- Which property represented as a railroad on the Monopoly gameboard was not actually a railroad?
- What is the standard width of the bowling alley-gutters not included?
- In what game do you find taws, bowlers, reelers, and monnies?
- Fred Cox, former Minnesota Viking kicker, holds the patent on what athletic toy?
- The popular board game did New Yorker Alfred Butta invent in 1931 and finally send to market in 1948?
- What game featured ghosts named Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde?
- How many bills does each player gets at the beginning of a game of Monopoly?
- How did the French game known as hazards come to be called craps in the United States?
- Where were the first outdoor miniature golf courses in the United States built?
- In what sport is a battledore used?
ANSWERS
Short Line. It was really a bus company, 41 1/2 inches, Marbles, The Nerf ball, Scrabble, Pac-Man, 27, The game was introduced in New Orleans in 1813 by a Creole man named Johnny Crapaud and it later became known as “Craps”, On rooftops in New York City in 1926, In badminton, it’s the racket used to hit the shuttlecock.
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I scored a “7”
NOW IT’S YOUR TURN
Why is it that most married men after a time pray for, “silence”. I can honesty say that I’ve never heard a woman demanding “silence” unless it’s to give them a way to interrupt my conversation. Standup comics have made it a part of their monologues on a number of occasions so maybe it’s just a male thing. I’ve always whined about my need for peace and quiet but never realized I was not alone in that. Today I offer up the thoughts of many so-called famous people on how they feel about “silence”.
- He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction. Proverbs 13:3
- Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. George Bernard Shaw
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
- Speech is silver, silence is golden. French proverb
- If a word be worth one shekel, silence is worth two. Hebrew proverb
- Silence is also speech. Yiddish proverb
- Silence is the ultimate weapon of power. Charles de Gaulle
- Keep quiet and people will think you are a philosopher. Latin proverb
- He has the gift of quiet. John le Carre
- He is not a fool who knows when to hold his tongue. Abraham Lincoln
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WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
SHUT THE HELL UP
The heatwave continues making all of us suffer for another week with no end in sight. I’m recuperating from recent cataract surgery and I’m somewhat limited to certain activities. Fortunately, writing the blog and working on my paintings has been approved without consequences. I thought today we’d have a little trivia test on the early years of cinema. As always the answers will be listed below.
- For what two films did Elizabeth Taylor win best actress Oscars?
- What American actress once described herself as “pure as the driven slush”?
- Who was Gene Kelly’s unusual dancing partner in the imaginative 1945 film, Anchors Away?
- Whose lengthy Oscar acceptance speech prompted the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to set a time limit for later award ceremonies?
- In the 1968 film 2001: A Space Odyssey, what song did HAL, the computer, learn to sing?
- What was the movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn’s real name?
- In what film did the star *proposed by saying, “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse”?
- What film star won a special Oscar as “the most outstanding personality of 1934”?
- Or which Alfred Hitchcock film did artist Salvador Dali designed the graphics?
- Who did Fred Astaire name as his favorite dance partner?
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The Answers
Butterfield 8 and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Tallulah Bankhead, Jerry the animated mouse from the cartoon show, Greer Garson who spent 5 1/2 min. at the 1943 ceremonies for the film, were Mrs. Miniver, A Bicycle Built For Two, Samuel Goldfish, A Day at the Races with Groucho Marx, Shirley Temple, Spellbound in 1945, Gene Kelly.
It’s another gray and rainy day here in Maine which always gives me a terrible case of the blahs. So, this is the perfect day for me to return to my easel and complete some art projects that I’ve had going on for some weeks now. I can just relax and get into “the zone” while working on these projects which helps me forget what a really crappy day it is. With that thought in mind, I dug into my archives of old limericks for a selection dated in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. Maybe one or more of them will make you smile a bit, who knows? For the most part they are rated PG.
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A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she had been deflowered
When she bent as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
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A born again Christian named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
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A penny-less colleague named Cy,
Remark to a lass passing by,
“I’ve never adjusted
To being flat busted.”
Said she, with a sigh, “Nor have I.”
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There was a young fellow named Dice
Who remarked, ‘They say bigamy’s nice.
Even two is a bore
I prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice.”
One of my Fav’s.
An organic chemist soon found,
While pushing aminos around,
He’d no sense of smell,
And couldn’t quite tell
His acids from holes in the ground.
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I thought I’d try something a little different today. I usually have lists of trivia facts about all sorts of topics and at times they can be interesting, funny, and every so often downright weird. Today’s trivia is a little more on the darker side but still interesting. Here are ten bits of trivia that’ll make you think and possibly shudder a little.
- Howard Hughes at times wore empty tissue boxes as shoes. He also blew his nose in his socks.
- Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats, but he wasn’t alone: other ailurophobe’s included Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Julius Caesar.
- Actress Cybill Shepherd dated Elvis Presley in the early 1970s and once hinted on the Oprah Winfrey show that she had to teach the singer how to perform cunnilingus.
- And here are two Osbourne family tidbits. Kelly Osbourne once expressed interest in posing nude for Playboy, but said that her breasts would need “some airbrushing.” Playboy founder Hugh Hefner later replied, “We don’t airbrush to that extent.”
- Sharon Osbourne, wife of the late great Ozzy Osbourne, once admitted to sending her own excrement wrapped in Tiffany boxes to several people who criticized her family. When a journalist criticized her teenage children, Jack and Kelly, Ms. Osborne sent a box of excrement with a note that read, “I heard you got an eating disorder. Eat this.“
- After his death in 1955, Elbert Einstein’s brain was removed and kept in a jar by Thomas Stoltz Harvey, the pathologist who conducted Einstein’s autopsy. Harvey was later fired from his job at Princeton Hospital for refusing to relinquish the organ.
- Once upon a time an Italian stripper suffocated to death after waiting an hour to jump out of a sealed cake at a bachelor party.
- The Cannibal Killer, Dorangel Vargas, The Hannibal Lector of the Andes, told the press that he preferred the taste of men to women, and never ate hands, feet, or testicles. “I have standards, you know”, said Vargas.
- The FBI estimates that more than half a million pedophiles are online every day.
- Television remote controls are the worst carriers of bacteria in hospital rooms; they spread antibiotic resistant Staphylococcus, which contributes to the 90,000 annual deaths from infection acquired in hospitals.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
Today is a good day for a little innocent and harmless pop culture trivia. Whenever I find something odd or strange that catches my interest I make note of it and today is the day that I’m going to publish some of those notes. Some are interesting and some not so much. You decide.
- Although Sean Connery played Harrison Ford’s father in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Connery is just 12 years older than Ford.
- Among the actors who auditioned for the Han Solo role in the original Star Wars were Kurt Russell, Robert Englund, and even Sylvester Stallone.
- The state of Maine is really a popular state for fictional murders. It has been used as the setting for a surprising number of mysteries and thrillers by Stephen King.
- According to legend, hard rocking band Alice Cooper chose their name after using a Ouija board to communicate with a spirit named Alice Cooper.
- Yoda from Star Wars, the cookie monster from Sesame Street, and Miss Piggy from the Muppet Show were all voiced by the same person, Frank Oz.
- Sir Paul McCartney once released an album under the name Thrills Thrillington.
- Sean Connery turned down the role of Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings because he didn’t understand the script.
- In the Wizard of Oz movie, the dog playing Toto was paid an actual salary of $125 a week. Ironically this was more money than many of the film actors were paid.
- The first interracial kiss in television history happened on Star Trek.
And last but not least . . . .
- Actor Nicolas Cage was named after the comic book hero Luke Cage. Oddly enough my youngest grandson was named Cage after Nicolas Cage.
POP GOES THE WEASEL
I’m quite the fan of word games, puns, and almost anything related to the written or spoken word. The English language is a real minefield for immigrants to navigate and truthfully it’s just as tough for some of us home grown types. Todays quiz will test your knowledge of our language with trivia on words and phrases and how they came to be. As always the answers will be listed below.
- What is the measurement of “one foot’ based on?
- Who invented word “carport”?
- What ails you if your suffering from a bilateral preorbital hematoma?
- What are you afraid of if you have ergophobia?
- In Japan, what automobile part is known as a bakkumira?
- What is the chief symptom of someone suffering from oniomania?
- What is the origin of the word hoax?
- What does Iwo Jima mean in Japanese?
- How did the common airgun become known as a BB gun?
- How did “bloomers”, ladies pantaloons, get their name?
Answers
One third of the length of King Henry I’s arm, Frank Lloyd Wright, A black eye, Work, A rearview mirror, Graying of the hair, Uncontrollable urge to buy things, Its a contraction from hocus pocus, Sulfur Island, From it’s Ball Bearing ammunition, From suffragette Amelia Bloomer.
As you can see by the title this post is a Limerick Alert. Sometimes that means bawdy and off-color, and other times lame and just plain entertaining. Something else that we all seem to love are our pets and animals, therefore all of today’s limericks will be “animal” related. Here are four examples that caught my eye and I hope you enjoy them. I’d rate these limericks as “G” so the kids can read them too.
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There once was a young lady named Maggie
Whose pet dog was terribly shaggy,
The front end of him
Look quite vicious and grim,
But the tail was always friendly and waggy.
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The thoughts of a rabbit and sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as one might expect.
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A freshman from down in Laguna
Fell madly in love with a tuna.
The affair, although comic,
Was so economic,
He wished he’d have thought of it soona!
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A sightseer from far McAboo,
Observed a strange beast at the Zoo,
When she asked: “Is it old? “
She was smilingly told
It’s not an old beast, but a gnu!.
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And finally a clean favorite for my better-half the gardener:
TIME TO YUCK IT UP
I’ve always enjoyed spicing up my posts with quotes from a variety of people from politicians, writers, and even a few not-brain-dead celebrities. I’ve been quoted a number of times myself primarily by my fellow subordinate associates after reading my comments on their performance reviews. I was always a little too frank in my comments and I may have hurt a few feelings over the years but it was also those same people who quoted me the most. I’ve always enjoyed quotes that were made by people whose ass I wasn’t required to kiss and always found more truth in frank discussions than politically correct nonsense. Here’s a sampling of quotes that were made concerning CRITICS.
- “Insects sting, not from malice but because they want to live. It is the same with critics – they desire our blood, not pain.” Friedrich Nietzsche
- “Don’t pay attention to bad reviews. Today’s newspaper is tomorrow’s toilet paper.” Jack Warner
- “He always praises the first production of each season, being reluctant to stone the first cast.“ Walter Winchell
- “The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” Washington Irving
- “Critics are like eunuchs at a gang-bang.” George Burns
- “A good review from the critics is just another stay of execution.” Dustin Hoffman
- “Critics? – I love every bone in their heads.” Eugene O’Neill
- “Time is the only critic without ambition.” John Steinbeck
- “In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.” Charles Carruthers
AND last but not least:
- “Critics are a dissembling, dishonest, contemptible race of men. Asking a working writer what he feels about critics is like asking a lamppost what he feels about dogs.” John Osbourne
YOU SUCK! AND YOUR FIRED!
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