Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Another day in the deep freeze that is Maine. I keep bitching about all of the snow but each day I’m also anticipating and hoping for a few snow free days. We had three or four inches of snow yesterday which this year is like nothing at all. I’ve been constantly trying to widen the driveway in order to have more room for the new snow that’s coming but it’s a losing battle. Here are a few mailbox related photo’s. None of them are my mail box because it was totally destroyed by the snow plow in the last storm. I have only a bag full of pieces left.
‘This is as good as you can hope for.’
‘This delusional neighbor honestly thought these red streamers would help.’
‘You’ve Got Mail – NOT’
I checked the weather forecast last night and OMFG was I sorry I did. A new storm is on the way and is forecast to drop somewhere in the area of two more feet on us on Saturday and Sunday. To add insult to injury they’re predicting wind gusts of fifty mph which should make for some humongous snow drifts and ball freezing wind chills. The drifts could possibly get as high as six feet or more.
With all of that good news coming our way I’m going to spend this snow free Friday preparing for the coming storm and also our celebration of Valentines Day. I’ve completed my shopping for Valentines Day gifts and if it snows a few feet we’ll have lots of snuggling time to be sure.
My better-half made arrangements last night for a heating oil delivery this morning and I’m patiently waiting for the truck to get here. I spent a half-hour last night digging a path from the driveway around the side of the house to where the oil tank nozzle is located. If we don’t have a path properly cleared they won’t deliver the oil. I’m always cooperative especially when I have no freaking choice.
The next chore is to make a quick trip out for a few gallons of gas for the snowblower. With all this snow on the way the blower will be getting a serious workout and I certainly don’t want to run out of fuel. I’d have a heart attack and die if I was forced to shovel all this white crap by hand. We’ve stocked up on food and checked the generator to make sure we’ll have power if there’s an outage. Just a normal process we must adhere to for any large winter storm here in Maine. Then we can sit back, watch the snow pile up, and pray for Spring to arrive.
I heard on the news yesterday that we’ve had between seventy and eighty inches of snow since the first of the year which even in Maine is outrageous. It should make for some really cool photographs and I intend to take as many as I possibly can. I guess the old saying is true, “when you’re given lemons make lemonade.”
My life is no longer my own. It seems my only purpose in life is to monitor the weather reports to determine how much snow is coming and then to spend a great deal of time moving the white stuff around to clear walkways and the driveway. With two storms a week becoming the norm I can anticipate more and more snow in the next few weeks.
Even my cat is pissed about the snow. His routine includes four hours a day lying on a huge bean bag in front of the picture window. He loves watching traffic go by and seeing the birds flying around. That’s his job and if you get right down to it, it’s a better job than mine. I took this picture today as he sat looking out at the snow. He’s not too happy about it either.
‘It’s a little tough to see much of anything.’
The snow and ice on the roof worry me a little because every night the news reports tell of collapsing roofs on all sorts of buildings. As you can see from this view from my bedroom window, the icicles are almost ten feet long on the rear of the house.
It’s a wonder that any of the birds that stick around through the winter are still alive. We normally feed them all winter but it’s tough even getting to the feeders with five or six feet of snow making it almost impossible. I tried to take a short walk just a few feet into the backyard and this was as far as I could get.
I keep hearing that this is the snowiest winter in recent memory here in Maine. Taking into account that March is normally our snowiest month we may be in for a lot more before Spring decides to arrive. If this craziness keeps up I may have to invest in a much larger and fancier snowblower. It should have a nice padded seat, a heater, and a hookup for my Ipod. A cup holder would also be nice because I wouldn’t want to spill my Irish coffee.
Then bring on the effing snow.
Before I start my post for today I thought I’d celebrate for just a moment the 104th birthday of one of my favorite people, Ronald Wilson Reagan, our fortieth president. Things have certainly gone downhill since he left the presidency and he is sorely missed. Happy Birthday Mr. President!
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My convalescence continues today after my colonoscopy. I was told to take it easy for a few days and I tend to listen closely to doctors who tell me to do things I enjoy doing. So a lazy day for catching up on emails, writing a little, and loafing a lot. We’ve been given a one day reprieve by the weather gods with no snow anticipated. Starting tomorrow we’re being warned of another damn snowstorm preparing to drop a foot or more of snow on us. We already have so much snow we’re running out of places to put it. These pictures were taken in the city of Biddeford, Maine yesterday and as you can see another foot of snow will make walking around town a real chore.
Our family group braved the cold weather last night and thoroughly enjoyed a meal at Famous Dave’s. There were ribs, brisket, and sauces all around. I’d been jonesing for catfish for the last two weeks and it was well worth the wait. The grandson munched on his favorite meal of Mac and Cheese, pineapple chunks, and a few Oreo cookies. Top that off with a glass of chocolate milk and he was in hog heaven. It was a great evening out even though the temps were near zero and the wind-chill even worse.
Our visitor from Los Angeles, my better-half’s oldest son, flies out today to return to the left coast. He was greeted here by more snow than he’s seen for many years. He’ll appreciate that California weather a lot more I’m sure.
It’s Thursday morning and I’ve just arrived home from the hospital. My hopes for a clean report on my colonoscopy are again disappointing. After a thorough scoping by a very competent doctor he found one stinking polyp. It was too large to burn off so he snipped a chunk from it for further testing. He assured me that 90% of all these polyps are normally benign. So for now I’ll be forced to go with that all the while keeping my fingers crossed.
‘Yuck + Yuck + Yuck = My Night’
You should know that the 36 hours before the colonoscopy were absolute hell. I’ve been through a number of colonoscopy cleansings and as this one began I was happy at just how easy it seemed to be going. The laxative pills were small and harmless looking, the Gatorade didn’t taste too bad, and the laxative powder that went into the Gatorade looked innocent enough. Will I never learn.
I began by taking two pills and then drinking four classes of the laxative laced Gatorade every 30 minutes. I took a break and drink just plain water for an hour and then drank another glass full every half-hour until it was all gone. At 10 pm I was to take two more pills, drink a few more glasses of water and wait. Let me tell you a little secret, I didn’t have to wait very long.
Just after I went to bed all hell broke loose in my body. It was back and forth to the bathroom with each trip becoming more urgent than the last. I won’t try to describe the nastiness that occurred between two and three in the morning. All I’ll say is that at 2 am I was forced into taking an emergency shower, then forced to mop the bathroom floor, and later to strip my bed and do an emergency load of laundry. It was ugly, nasty, humiliating, and unforgettable.
With the results from todays explorations I’m to remain in the five year rotation for future colonoscopies. It seems those folks in my gene pool passed along some of their more depressing traits to yours truly. The story of my effing life.
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’Looking Out the Front Window Today’
I’ve just had my first solid food in the last forty-eight hours and it was fantastic. I’ve been ordered to take it easy for the rest of the day and to get some well needed nap time. There’s really nothing much more to blog about today except for the damn snow storm raging outside my window. I’ll hibernate for the remainder of the week and hopefully get things back to normal by the weekend.
I’m sure glad this is over with.
I’m almost fully recovered from he damn flu . . . . finally. My ability to taste food has returned and my temperature has fallen back into the normal range. I’m feeling good and looking forward to the continuing insanity that will be the remainder of my winter.
I always plan for slow times in January and February but this year isn’t cooperating. I started out with the flu in January, next a colonoscopy, then a car inspection, an annual doctors visit, a dentist appointment, and finally an eye exam. After all of those pain-in-the-ass chores it will be the end of March and winter will be almost over. Along with that list is the ongoing bathroom remodel which has been in limbo because of the flu.
The weather remains snowy and snowy and even more snowy. We already have more than three feet of snow and are expecting another foot or two within the week. If you are a skiing, skating, snowmobiling or snowboarding snow bunny then Maine is where you need to be.
My house has two feet of snow on the roof and ice hanging everywhere else. There must be ten ton of ice and snow that at some point will come crashing down behind the house. God help any living thing that happens to be roaming around when that happens. There could be deaths reported.
I hope these steps survive the ice drop in one piece this year. In years past I’ve been required to replace rails and steps after they’ve been crushed by the falling ice.
I love waking up to the winter view from the window in my bedroom but this is what I saw yesterday as I opened the curtains. More freaking ice. I suppose it could be worse and I’m almost positive it will be. My better-half and I are heading out into the snow and ice with cameras in hand to see what we can see. I’ll post any interesting pictures as soon as I can.
It’ time to gear up and get moving.
This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years. It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY. I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last. Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience. Lucky you!
My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away. After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps. Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound. My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was. I needed to do some research quickly.
Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom. It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.
I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air. If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room. Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital. You’ve been warned.
Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside. They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars. I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd. My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep. It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary. My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later. The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work. I just love thorough doctors.
Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit. Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief. I was good to go for a while I thought.
Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future. It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven. The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better. Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about. Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous. I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible. No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.
More to follow.
“This is a courtesy warning for those of you with weak stomachs. What you are about to read was written while under the influence of twenty different cold and flu medications. Proceed at your own risk.”
As my better-half and I lay here in bed this morning coughing and sniffling, I had a major epiphany. Basically the human body is a complex, disgusting, and disturbing mess. Let’s run down the list of my favorites things. We have farts, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet, and a host other smells that are best forgotten. We are easy infected with every virus imaginable and the medical research community is hard at work (so they say) to come up with answers and remedies for them. That doesn’t include the common cold of course. Nothing or no one seems to be able to find that super drug that will conquer that sneaky little disease.
Let’s not forget the biggest two items we first learned about as children, #1 and #2. Let’s call them what they are, urine and poop. I’m not sure what genius started the #1 and #2 nonsense but I’d bet it was some goody-two shoes afraid to say those two disgusting words. While he was standing around being disgusted he made a critical error. He forgot the all important #3, Phlegm aka mucus aka sputum. While urine and poop are smelly and disgusting phlegm rules. It comes in multiple colors and multiple textures and it never stops being produced. At least with urine and poop, you go once and your good for a while. With phlegm there’s no end. I could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all of the phlegm my body has produced in my lifetime. In just the last twelve hours my better-half and I have produced at least twenty gallons each without even trying.
I actually prefer the term sputum rather than phlegm or mucus. It sounds much more sophisticated and medical. If someone says the word phlegm to me it immediately brings to mind a pearly little lugie. Lugies are even more disgusting because you can be targeted accidentally or purposely by one of those mean spirited and accurate lugie spitters. If someone says "I have a build up of sputum in my throat." It sounds a little less disgusting and more official.
So, what have we learned so far. First there should a #3 added to the lexicon to identify Sputum or phlegm or mucus. I’m really just trying to class things up a little for a change but no one wants to cooperate.
I see in our future a new national observance for Sputum Day. This substance has become as big a part of our miserable lives as #1 and #2 and in January and February may even surpass them. It deserves to be recognized and celebrated with parades and parties not just in the US but across the world. We already have Earth Day and I think it’s time for Sputum Day. The drink of the day can be green beer (stolen from St. Paddy’s Day) and laced with mayonnaise. A thick and repugnant drink that can really bring back memories of colds and flu from your childhood. There’s nothing better than a disgusting trip down Memory Lane.
Enough! This post is actually beginning to turn my stomach too. I’ll clean up my act when and only when I start to feel a little better. Meanwhile I’ll just keep producing all this phlegm and sucking down all these miracle cold and flu remedies that don’t really work. All they do is create more Sputum.
Don’t even get me started on Smegma.
‘This doesn’t fall in January but I like it anyway.”
We all love observances or so it seems. I’ve never seen or understood why they’re so necessary. It seems that if more than three people get together and agree on something it immediately becomes necessary to make the entire country aware of it. So they submit a request to one of our overpaid and more times than not incompetent politicians requesting a day be set forth for a celebration of their oh so important subject.
Politicians who are consumed with getting reelected will prostitute themselves in any way for recognition, no matter how stupid or inane the request might be. Since January and February are such slow months they seem to have plenty of time on their hands for these Monthly, Weekly, and Daily observances. A small portion seem reasonable but the vast majority are just so much fluff and utter nonsense. This post will be my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the first quarter of this year. The following list contains only a portion of the large number of daily observances for January. Some are funny, most are stupid, and some I have no idea what they mean or what they’re meant to accomplish.
- Asarah B’Tevet Day: 1 A SHOULDER SHRUG AND PUZZLED LOOK HERE.
- Euro Day: 1 WHO REALLY CARES?
- First Foot Day: 1
- New Year’s Dishonor List Day: 1
- Z Day: 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS FOR?
- Happy Mew Year for Cats Day: 2 SO FREAKING LAME.
- Drinking Straw Day: 3
- Fruitcake Toss Day: 3 THIS MIGHT BE REFERRING TO THE POLITICIANS.
- *Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day: 3
- Dimpled Chad Day: 4 ANOTHER DEMOCRAT FROM FLORIDA I’LL BET.
- Tom Thumb Day: 4
- Bird Day: 5 I’VE GOT A BIRD FOR THEM RIGHT HERE.
- "Thank God It’s Monday" Day: 5
- I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day: 7
- National Tempura Day: 7
The list continues but I promise you they don’t get any better. The further along we go the worse it seems to get.
- Argyle Day: 8
- Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National English Toffee Day: 8
- National Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National Joy Germ Day: 8
- Balloon Ascension Day: 9
- National Cassoulet Day: 9 I HAVE NO CLUE ON THIS ONE.
- National Static Electricity Day: 9
- Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day: 11 THIS IS SOOO CRUCIAL.
- No Pants Subway Ride Day: 11 THIS SHOULD BE A NEW YORK HOLIDAY.
- Kiss A Ginger (Red Heads) Day: 12 THOUGHT UP BY A PISSED OFF RED HEAD.
- Rubber Duckie Day: 13
- Caesarean Section Day: 14 WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THIS?
- Dress Up Your Pet Day: 14 TO STUPID TO BE BELIEVED.
‘Is there a ribbon for Stupid?”
I just wonder how much time is wasted by our overpaid politicians to process these stupid requests and present them for an official vote. What special interest groups could some of these possibly represent?
- Appreciate A Dragon Day: 16
- Fig Newton Day: 16
- International Fetish Day: 16 A FAVORITE OF MOST POLITICIANS.
- Nothing Day: 16 AMEN TO THIS.
- Tu B’shuvt: 16 HAVEN’T A CLUE.
- Cable Car Day: 17
- Tin Can Day: 19
- Penguin Awareness Day: 20
- National Disc Jockey Day: 20
- Squirrel Appreciation Day: 21 THIS IS NUTS.
I know, I know, it’s also hard for me to believe that this partial list continues on. Just be glad I didn’t list everything else that I found for January or you’d be reading for another twenty minutes.
- Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: 22 IF YOUR CAT ANSWERS GIVE ME A CALL.
I find it really interesting and ironic that the following two observances fall on the same day.
- Celebration of Life Day: 22
- Roe vs. Wade Day: 22
Back to the last few entries for this embarrassing display of political patronage and political correctness.
- Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day: 23 I CELEBRATE THIS DAY AFTER EVERY SNOW STORM.
- Beer Can Day: 24 MY BETTER-HALF IS THE POSTER GIRL ON THIS ONE.
- Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day: 24
- Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 26
- National Kazoo Day: 28 HERE’S ONE MORE THING TO HUM ON.
- Inane Answering Message Day: 30
- Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day: 31
That’s it for today. You now know way more about January observances than you’ve ever wanted. I deeply apologize but I feel these days must be recognized and celebrated because our politicians say so. NOT!!!
Now that the holidays are behind us and I’ve had two weeks to catch my breath, it’s time to get back to work. My biggest goal for this winter was to repair and remodel our upstairs bathroom. It’s been unused for almost two years due to a major leak either inside the walls or under the floor.
Job 1 is to demolish whatever it takes to find that damn leak. My first step was to remove the old shower unit that had been an eyesore at best. Three days ago me and my trusty sledge hammer began the process of removing that unit. Everything I’ve tried to do in this house for the last six years has been a struggle. The house is almost twenty-five years old and it shows. The rooms aren’t square and the people who built it should have been arrested immediately after first kicking their ass. The wiring is still a problem even after the entire place was rewired just three years ago. Unfortunately there are still certain areas and other issues that are just waiting to be discovered.
This photo was taken yesterday after I spent three days removing that damn shower and the wall behind it. The entire unit not only was screwed tightly to the walls but the installer used what looked to be approximately ten tubes of construction adhesive to glue it in place as well. There was no way to just remove the unit without removing the walls too. More unwanted work to be sure.
Once that was accomplished I began my investigation into the leak. I was forced to remove a large section of the floor and after following the water stains it told me the leak was water flowing on the surface of the floor and not beneath it. There were no water marks within the walls above floor level which told me the leak wasn’t in the plumbing inside the wall. As best I can determine is that the leak was caused by a faulty drain connection in the old shower unit.
Over the next day or so I’ll do a thorough cleanup of the bathroom to allow me to double check my findings one last time. I can then begin the process of putting in the new shower, toilet, sink, and floor. Then add some beaded wainscoting, a fresh paint job, and new lighting fixtures and BAM. Job completed sometime in May . . . . . I hope.
One of the biggest problems with this extremely cold weather is not getting to spend much time outside the house. I’m able to run outside for short periods but anything longer than a few minutes is problematic. Even my unheated workshop in the garage is impossible to spend more than a few minutes in and I’m too cheap to pay for a space heater and gallons of kerosene. The first week of this cold was bearable but each day that goes by without relief I become more and more antsy.
I ran out of patience yesterday and decided to grab my better-half, my camera, and just go somewhere. As long as the car’s heater continued to work we’d be just fine.
I’ve been wondering during the last few days how in the hell the wild animals survive this kind of weather. I’m sure that many don’t but it’s amazing that any actually survive it at all. I noticed this morning that my house is being circled by a flock of birds which I haven’t been able to identify. It’s like a scene from Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds”. They seem to be interested in the suet we have near the other feeders but they’re beginning to make me nervous. Prior to their arrival we hadn’t seen much activity at all except for a few chickadees and those annoying woodpeckers.
During our foray into the ice and snow we took a ride through the Dayton area which is loaded with horse farms. I was surprised to see quite a few horses out in the corrals wearing their coats and getting a little much needed exercise.
Normally anytime we approach horses they walk right over to check us out. They’re always curious and looking for apples, carrots, or sugar cubes. Not today though. They were just as cold and miserable as we were. They appreciated the exercise but headed for the barn every few minutes to warm up a little.
Well it’s time to head back home for more reading and TV. I miss the occasional walk on the beach even during the winter. The current wind chill makes even that uncomfortable. Hopefully we’ll see some warmer temperatures next week even if it’s only somewhere near thirty degrees.
everyuselessthing.com 