Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
I spend a lot of time on the Net these days and have done so for many years. It’s become an integral part of my life and indispensible in a number of other ways. It’s hard to believe than just over thirty years ago I was a subscriber to the Genie Electric Network and received text-only Internet on a 300 baud modem. The changes have been huge and relatively fast and I’m glad to have experienced the Net in all of it’s changing incarnations.
I decided to do a little surfing today and to collect a few facts about the all-seeing Internet in it’s current form. I was more than a little shocked at what I found because some of the numbers were almost impossible to wrap my head around. Here is a short list of some amazing stats. Unbelievable is probably more accurate.
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Google estimates the Internet at about 5 million terabytes of data, or 5 trillion megabytes.
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The human brain can hold between 1 and 10 terabytes.
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Using an average of 5 terabytes per human brain, it would take a million human brains to hold the entire Internet.
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212 DVD’s will hold one terabyte or 1,000,000,000 to hold the Internet.
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40 Blue-ray discs will hold a terabyte and it would take 200,000,000 to store the Internet.
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American makes up 76.2% of the Internet population but only 5% of the worlds population.
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There are 247 billion emails sent every day and 81% (200,000,000) are spam.
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There are 90 trillion emails sent each year.
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Teenagers spend an average of 31 hours per week on the Internet and only four hours doing homework.
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There are 234,000,000 web sites and 126,000,000 blogs.
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Every second 28,258 Internet users are watching pornography.
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There are 600 tweets a second.
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924 videos are watched on Hulu each month in the US.
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Twenty hours of videos are loaded onto YouTube every minute.
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Facebook has 6,000,000 page viewers a minute.
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2,500,000 images are loaded onto Facebook each month.
Some of these facts are mind-blowing but a number of others are more than a little scary. I’m not sure I could survive my raging paranoia if I had teenage children to raise now. I can’t imagine the difficulties there must be when in most cases the kids are more knowledgeable about the Net than most of their parents. What will this all become in another thirty years?
It’s been an interesting few weeks for me starting with my annual doctor’s visit. They always try to put a good spin on things until the very end of the visit. Everything’s fine, everything looks good, the blood tests were perfect except for “one little thing”. I’m a little paranoid of doctors on a good day but when you here “one little thing” you just hold your breath because you know something bad is coming.
It wasn’t a major catastrophe but worrisome none the less. I’m in the diabetes danger zone with my blood sugar and steps need to be taken to remedy the problem immediately. That entails being placed on a no sugar and no carb diet. What that really means is I’ll never be able to eat a decent meal again or at least for quite some time. The upside is that if I’m able to lose enough weight I’ll be able to stop taking 90% of the prescription medication I’m currently taking for blood pressure and cholesterol. The doctor was rather adamant about his instructions which convinced me to pay close attention and do what I’m told for once. Since my father died from diabetes related problems it’s time for me to wise up and get with the program. No more sugar, no more carbs, reduced dairy, reduced portions, and a minimum of twenty minutes of vigorous walking a day.
My first step was to inform my better-half who as always is there for support. My second step was making a trip to the local Sears where I found a treadmill that would fill my requirements. With Winter approaching, walking on the roads becomes problematic and I hate being required to drive any distance to a gym. It was delivered a week later and that’s when the fun begin. Being the cheap bastard that I am I refused to pay $75.00 to have it built. Three hours later I had it in place and operational. For most of my life I’ve played sports of one type of another but never ever used a treadmill. I was able to use it experimentally for a day or two without killing myself.
It’s now almost two weeks later and I’m on my way to being a treadmill expert. This treadmill makes things very easy to do and gives me the ability to track heart rate, incline, distance, and much much more. I’m doing approximately 35 minutes a day at a medium speed walk. Having a television in the room has made it even easier. Starting tomorrow I’m going to do two thirty minutes sessions a day. I’m already down almost ten pounds in the first three weeks. That’s a little fast but what the hell, it’s all good.
My goal as set by the doctor is a fifteen pound loss by February and an additional fifteen pounds by next August. Then I’ll be lean and mean and hopefully medication free. It’s a goal worth reaching and could add ten years to my life. I’m good with that.
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
As is painfully obvious from many of my earlier posts I’m not a huge fan of attorneys. I wouldn’t broad-brush all of them because I know many that do their jobs well. Unfortunately they’re in the minority since we as a nation have become over-run with a ridiculous number of lawyers. They’ve spent decades slowly and deliberately turning the United States from a common sense way of thinking country to our current levels of lawsuit paranoia. The fact that ninety percent of judges are either former politicians or attorneys easily explains our country’s litigious difficulties.
They’ve managed to weasel their way into every facet of our lives. Suing one and all with a landslide of frivolous lawsuits that have clogged up our court system for years to come. Here are just a few examples.
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A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I’ve got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank.
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Sometimes, being frugal can cost you more than anticipated. While apparently trying to steal a soft drink from a vending machine in 1998, 19-year-old Kevin Mackle was rocking it dangerously. Suddenly, the weight shift was too hot to handle and the contraption fell on him. The man died following the accident. His relatives sued Coca-Cola Co., two other companies, and Bishop’s University in Lennoxville, Quebec (for about $660,000 US in damages and funeral costs) alleging that the machine was not secured and bore no warning signs.
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A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman’s toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife’s care, comfort and consortium.
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A 27-year-old man from Michigan was involved in a rear-end collision. Four years later, he sued the owners of the truck that was responsible for the accident. Having suffered minor injuries, he stated that from then on, his sexual relationship with his wife deteriorated, as he was unable to maintain their sex life. He claimed that he had been so affected by the crash that his personality had been forever changed. In fact, he maintained that the accident turned him into a homosexual. He left his wife, moved in with his parents, began hanging out in gay bars, and became a fervent reader of gay literature. He won his case and was awarded $200,000, while his wife received $25,000.
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A woman went to her friend’s house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent … and sued him for $75,000.
I could continue with hundreds more of these useless and costly lawsuits but what’s the point. In the majority of these cases the attorney is paid a large percentage of the money won. It’s called taking a case on contingency. The same strategy used for those individuals suing the government for disability benefits for a variety of addictions, both drug and alcohol related. These attorney believe if you throw enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. Free money . . . . Yeah!
These so called attorneys-at-law have also forced companies to over label our everyday products due to fear of lawsuits. I actually saw an aluminum step ladder for sale in a nearby Home Center that had a sticker on the top step. Of course it stated an important and secret fact that we weren’t aware of: This is the Last Step – Don’t Stand Here. The “Nanny State” strikes again. Not only is the advice on many of these labels utterly obvious, many are just plain stupid. Here are a few of those.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
- On a package of peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
- On a child’s Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
- On Sears Hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like other soap.
- On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
- On frozen food package:
Product will be hot after heating.
- On packaging of an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
- On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
We’ve allowed this to go on for so long it’s now become the norm. We have only ourselves to blame when we’ve allowed the pursuit of possible free money to completely corrupt our judicial system. It was never meant to a be a gravy-train for those less than scrupulous attorneys who finally got tired of chasing ambulances.
Have you ever just been standing around people watching and wondering about things? I have. Do certain things you see and hear make you wonder what the hell is going on? I thought it only right that I look into some of these matter because they bother the hell out of me.
Take a moment and come up with a few of your own. They are every where it seems and no one has any answers as to why.
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Why is it that women show up at Walmart in a pink sweat-suit that’s two sizes too small with “Hot & Juicy” stitched across the butt?
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Why does the sun lightens our hair, but darken our skin?
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Why can’t women put on mascara without opening their mouths?
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Why are they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
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Why must you click on "Start" to stop Windows 7?
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Why is it that lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
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Why haven’t we ever seen the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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Why does a fiftyish man have a comb over more than 5 inches long and things no one notices?
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Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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What possesses a person to paint his house pink?
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Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Why aren’t planes made from the same material used for the indestructible black boxes ?
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Why did they ever decide to name the airport "The Terminal"?
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What thought process occurs to cause an beautiful and intelligent young lady to streak her hair red and pierce her nose in three different places?
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Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food and what person tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavor?
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Why do they bother to sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Who can answer these questions? I need some answers and I need them now? How can I be convinced that your basic average human being is intelligent and right-thinking when I see hundreds of these types of things every week. It just doesn’t fill me with much confidence that the human race can survive itself. It’s just more than a little scary.
Football Season is fast approaching and for those of you who are fanatical, you’re probably already in a serious state of FAN (Football Arousal Narcosis). You find yourself sexually aroused by wide screen HD televisions, satellite NFL packages, and the occasional busty cheerleaders. I must warn you that you’re playing with fire. Sometime in January when the end of the season is approaching and the withdrawal starts setting in you may find yourself becoming sexually attracted to Terry Bradshaw. If that happens proceed directly to rehab, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.
I’m not a sports fanatic in any way, shape, or form. The only sports I watch religiously are as many games of the Little League World Series as I can. Those games seem more real and genuine to me than watching a bunch of grown men spending more than three hours to play nine innings of baseball for a few million dollars a year and all the steroid and drug enhancements they can consume. This time of the year is when the pregame and postgame analysis programs kidnap prime time TV and fill the airways with an ungodly number of continuous sports metaphors and clichés. It makes me just a little crazy.
Unfortunately those metaphors have slowly and insidiously made their way into our daily language. If you didn’t already know that, WAKE UP. We have "ballpark figures", "drop back and punt", and "going the whole nine yards". It’s also a sprint, a boxing match, even a demolition derby. It has leaders and trailers, boasts knockout punches, and will go down to the wire, the buzzer, or the final whistle.” Check these out:
“I was blind-sided by all the talk about the mortgage and someone else bought the house before me.”
“Critics of President Obama used bump and run tactics to impede the implementation of a Republican directive.”
“When Tom retired Larry carried the ball for the next 9 months and the project was completed.”
“If we get the new machinery, we will be dancing in the zone in September.”
‘”Paul fumbled the sale when he failed to return the client’s call.”
“The Democrats game plan totally revolved around the promise of jobs.”
“The lawyers decided to settle after a brief huddle.”
“After John’s failure to win the building contract, his colleagues only made things worse with their Monday morning quarterbacking.
“President Obama caves in over and over again. He punts on first down.”
These examples are just the tip of the iceberg. As we progress through the season begin listening carefully to the everyday newscasters, pundits, and anyone else speaking to you from your television screen. You’ll be absolutely amazed.
AND FOR MY LATER FATHER’S BENEFIT – GO STEELERS!
This has been one helluva week. One more fact that will help you understand what I mean by that statement is I hate doctors, hospitals, blood tests, and personal examinations. I can put up with a nurse every once in while but only as potential dating material. If past history tells me anything it’s stay away from nurses. The last nurse I dated (SLEPT WITH) had a tank of nitrous oxide next to her bed and spent every other stroke huffing on it with a face mask.
This week began with my blood tests. Normally it’s just one tube of blood used to check whatever. Because of Obamacare my doctor of ten years has given up his practice and now I’m once again "fresh meat" for the "new guy". He needs four tubes of blood so he knows where I’m coming from. That’s his statement not mine. My previous doctor had a lab as part of his practice where I could easily get blood drawn but not this "new guy". I was forced to get out of bed much earlier than I like, drive forty minutes to the hospital, to stand in line behind thirty other idiots. I felt like a freaking day laborer. A young lady called me into her room, sat me down, stuck me in the arm, sucked out the blood, and walked away shouting "Next!" at the top her lungs. Nothing like personal service.
Four days later I returned to the doctors office for my annual physical. The "new guy" arrived forty minutes late as I sat in this telephone booth sized room in my hospital gown freezing my nuts off. He looks about twenty-five years old and he’s from Peru. His accent was minimal, thank God, and I could understand almost everything he had to say. One handshake and he opens his laptop and begins to take notes. My computer file covers more than twelve years, two surgeries, and four colonoscopies but he has additional questions. I felt like I was on Jeopardy and I’m sure Alex Trebek would have been more fun.
He first tells me that prostate exams are for the most part unnecessary and then bends me over the table and shoves his ever so long latex covered finger right up my ass. No dinner, no chit chat, no wine, just "wham bang, thank you man". For such a little guy he has quite the large digits.
An hour later and we’re still doing paperwork so I can have another colonoscopy in December (MY FIRST XMAS GIFT) and an introduction to my new mandatory diet. I found out in short order that going forward I’m only permitted to eat rabbit food and drink black coffee. Read the labels he tells me, no fat, no calories, no dairy, no candy, no sugar, no soda, no flavored water, and no smoothies. The translation to that line of BS is I will never be permitted to eat anything that tastes good or even has flavor of any kind ever again.
A pat on the head, a "nice to meet ya"’ and he scampers away. A nurse hands me the date for my next appointment and I’m out the door and back on the street. That hour and a half probably will cost me upwards of $500.00 including the blood work up and a hundred of that will be out of pocket. Isn’t life just freaking wonderful?
Now I get to wait six more months for another hour of quality time with the "new guy" which will probably consist of stepping onto a scale to measure my weight loss. Really, can’t I just call it in? That would then only cost $495.00.
Shoot me now!
Well, I’ve made it through another transaction with a used car salesman. My better-half has been using my car since hers was totaled which has caused me to become house bound for the last two weeks. The choice I had was an easy one. Do I get up at 4am to take her to work or do I stay in bed and catch an extra two hours of sleep. No brainer right? I tried taking her to work a couple of times and finally decided I was just being stupid.
It actually wasn’t much of an inconvenience for me but I could tell she was feeling bad about the whole situation. She surprised me yesterday when she arrived home from work a few hours early and advised me we were going out to look at a few more cars. We left the house after much discussion and time spent checking vehicles on the web at nearby dealerships. On one of our earlier trips we earmarked two vehicles as possible candidates for her. One was a Hyundai Elantra and the second was a Honda Civic with both still remaining on the market.
We arrived at the dealership and once again discussed the two possible purchases amongst ourselves. We both seemed a little hesitant about both cars which was just not a good sign. Later as a salesman later stood with us with his typical nonstop flow of BS I kind of zoned out. He was beginning to piss me off a little so I walked away for a few minutes to clear my head. As I did I saw a car parked nearby that hadn’t been there during our last visit. I quickly checked it out and was stunned at what a clean and untouched vehicle it seemed to be. It had just been taken in trade for a new purchase just two days ago.
The better-half walked over and began checking it out and low and behold two hours later she was driving it off the lot and heading home. It was well within our budget and was in absolute mint condition. We just got very lucky for a change. She’s now the proud owner of a Hyundai Sonata with every extra you could imagine on it with a sun roof thrown in for good measure.
We went through the normal smooth talking attempts by other salesmen to sell us extra unneeded and senseless warranties and maintenance programs. One dealerships smooth talking BS-artist was relentless in his efforts which eventually forced me to cause a minor ruckus and storm out of the office. He was lucky I’ve mellowed with age and become such a calm and non-violent person because ten years ago I’d have gotten into his face in a big way and told him to shove his car up his ass. But I’m a better person now, lucky for him.
Just another anticipated unpleasant experience with a little turd of a man whose mere existence just irritates the hell out of me. Oh well, my better-half is happy to have a new car, I’m happy because I can now finally leave the house during daylight hours, and lastly that salesman is happy because he never has to see or talk to me ever again.
All in all a successful shopping safari.
I love lists of all kinds but I apparently haven’t listed some subjects that certain people have been waiting for. In response to a "tongue in cheek" request for odd or record setting information on sex I visited more web sites than usual to find a few interesting sexual facts. I can’t personally verify these tidbits but the majority have been reported through numerous sources and appear legitimate. Read on and and try hard not to laugh too much, shudder too much or retch too much.
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Most Children Fathered: The king of Morocco (in the 17th century), Moulay Ismail Ibn Sharif, is a proud owner of this sex record. He had a harem with 500 wives and 1042 recorded offspring’s.
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Oldest Father: Indian farmer, Nanu Ram Jogi already held the record for world’s oldest father when he fathered his 21st child at 90-years-old. Jogi is married to his fourth wife and has no plans of slowing down his baby production.
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Most Births: The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Now in her mid-sixties, she claims to be the mother of 64 children. Of these, 55 are documented.
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The mother with the greatest number of kids that are not twins is Livia Ionce. This Romanian woman, 44, gave birth to her 18th child in Canada in 2008.
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The woman to give birth to the most children was a peasant’s wife from Shuya (east of Moscow) . She gave birth 27 times. 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.
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Most Ejaculations: For a man in one hour is 16.
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Semen Swallowed: Michelle Monahan swallowed 1.7 pints (almost 1 liter) of semen and had to get her stomach pumped.
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Most female orgasms in an hour: 134.
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Most male orgasms in an hour: 16.
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Longest Ejaculation: American man Horst Schultz was recorded ejaculating 18 feet 9 inches. He also holds the records for height (12 ft. 4in) and speed (42.7mph). A woman has been recorded ejaculating 10 feet.
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Strongest Vagina: 42 year-old Russian woman, Tatiata Kozhevnikova, broke her own record by hefting a glass ball attached to 31 pounds of weight with her vagina muscles. Kozhenikova’s success didn’t happen overnight, but through fifteen years of rigorously training.
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Oldest Prostitute: An 82 -year-old woman called "Grandma" in Tai Pei is believed to be the oldest living and working prostitute. She began 40 years ago after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in business by charging ten to twenty times less than other working girls in the area.
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Largest Female Gangbang: Pornstar Lisa Sparxxx nailed 919 guys in 24 hours. This defeated previous records of 646 in 2002 and 759 in 2003.
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Largest Male Gangbang: Porn star Jon Dough had sex with over 55 women in one day, having 5 to 6 orgasms.
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Largest Orgy: In Japan 250 couples had sex at the same time and in the same place while camera crews recorded the event. Despite all testing negative for STDs, the couples only had sex with their partners.
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Youngest Parents: Shaun Steard of England was 12 when he became a father. 5-year-old, Peruvian Lina Medina gave birth in 1933 after starting to menstruate at 3. Her father was jailed on suspicion of incest but released due to a lack of evidence. The child was delivered through cesarean because Lina’s hips were too narrow.
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The smallest human penis: 0.39 inches.
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Largest Non-Human Penis: Rorqual whales have penises that average 10 feet, and as much as a 1 foot in diameter.
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Largest Human Penis: The record for the largest living penis belongs to Jonah Falcon who has a 13.5 inch penis.
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Largest Human Clitoris: In The Sexual Anatomy, W. Francis Benedict mentions a 12 inch clitoris.
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Largest Human Vagina: Scottish giant, Anna Swan, and her giant husband had a giant baby that’s head was 19 inches, all of which fit through her vagina.
I don’t know about you but that’s just about all the trivia and facts about sex I’ll ever need. It’s scary to think that most of what you just read is factual and many of these people are still alive, well, and active. This should take care of any future requests for odd sexual facts for a very long time.
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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