Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Well we returned home at 9pm last night from our day and a half road trip to Rhode Island. I was never so glad to be home. Road trips in and of themselves can be fun but only if you have enough time to stop and smell the roses. Anyone who tries to squeeze four or five days of activities into one day is out of their effing mind.
I can tell you from my experience yesterday that the last place you want to be on a hot summer Sunday in August is Newport, Rhode Island. Thousands of people jamming the streets and every business and building. You’d better not be the least bit claustrophobic because if you are you’re royally and supremely screwed.
There were so many pedestrians on the streets it was difficult to even drive a city block without issues. If you do somehow find yourself kidnaped by your spouse and her family members and taken there against your will, you have my sincerest sympathies. If you go there voluntarily then you have some issues of your own to deal with.
Make sure you have plenty of cash with you as well. Things are a little pricy and you’ll pay top price for everything. Parking fees are utterly outrageous and insulting. Restaurants will serve you huge portions of food that you’ll never be able to finish just so they have justification to jack the prices up as high as possible.
Do I sound angry? If I don’t then I’m not getting my point across. My last visit to Newport was twenty years ago and I guarantee there will never be another. The entire place offends my sensibilities and going back again is just out of the question.
There, I feel a little better after getting that off my chest. Now I can allow my life to return to what I think is normal. No more unorganized, hit or more miss, expensive, and un-fun outings. I promise!
One other thing, any members of my better-half’s family who may read this, don’t take anything I’ve written too personally. If you do, so be it.
I thought a little humor might be nice with Hump Day approaching. I just heard on the news that yesterday Amazon purchased the Washington Post newspaper for two hundred million dollars. I thought Amazon as a company was a lot smarter than that. Newspapers are failing all over the country with their readership moving steadily to on-line sources but maybe they know something I don’t (which is likely) and I wish them a lot of luck.
That newspaper story got me thinking about how inept many newspapers have become since their hay-day. Stories faked, pictures Photo Shopped, and numerous grammatical and spelling errors becoming a regular feature. With that in mind here are a few headlines from actual newspapers that couldn’t be more ridiculous or funny. I hope none of the newspaper associates responsible for these headlines end up working for Amazon.
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Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
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Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
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NJ judge to Rule on Nude Beach
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Smokers are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
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Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
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Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
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William Kelly was Fed Secretary
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Farmer Bill Dies in House
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Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
How ‘s that for ten samples of really terrible professional editing. I can’t believe these headlines actually made the published newspapers but they did. Here are a few more:
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Miners Refuse to Work After Death
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War Dims Hope for Peace
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Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years
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Man is Fatally Slain
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
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Eye Drops Off Shelf
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Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
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Child’s Stool Great for Use in Garden
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Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
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Panda Mating Fails – Veterinarian Takes Over
The hits just keep on coming and there seems to be an almost endless supply of these carelessly thought out headlines. All of the available journalism training these days seems to be more concerned with creating another Watergate than spelling properly or just making good old common sense.
- Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let’s Resolve to Do Better
- Stiff Opposition Expected to Graveyard Plan
- Lack Of Brains Hinders Research
- Policeman Help Dog Bite Victim
- Man Denies He Committed Suicide
- Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
- Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
- Prisoners Escape After Execution
- No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
- Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned & Buried In Shallow Grave
I can’t continue with this any longer. The more I read the crazier it makes me. If I had submitted things like this to my high school English teacher, Ms. Walters, she would have rolled it up and smacked me across the head with it. Maybe that’s the kind of thing missing from our current journalism schools.
I decided to write a few things about the never ending homeless issue not just in this country but around the world. I’ll offer no personal opinions either way and let you figure it out on your own. Most of the available data on the homeless is published by organizations created just to supplying them with food and shelter. They seem a bit slanted to me but you can decide for yourselves. Let’s start with this:
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A fifth of all homeless people have committed a crime to get off the streets.
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A survey also finds that 28% of homeless women have taken an ‘unwanted sexual partner’ in order to find shelter.
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One in five of those surveyed said they had committed ‘an imprisonable offense with the express purpose of receiving a custodial sentence as a means of solving their housing problems.
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Unwanted sex has become a way out of homelessness for many. One in seven men and 28% of women had spent a night – or longer – with an unwanted sexual partner to "accommodate themselves".
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Others have ventured into prostitution, with almost a fifth of women taking up "sex work" because this offered an opportunity to spend the night off the streets.
Do you feel more like opening your heart’s and your wallets to save these poor wretches? If not keep reading.
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While it is a common belief that people who end up being homeless do so because of their lack of interest in keeping a steady job, the truth is that many homeless people were actually working at the time they lost their homes.
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A lack of affordable housing has been a primary reason for homelessness for the last two decades. This is especially true in large cities, where the cost of rent has increased to the point where people making minimum wage are no longer able to afford rent, especially if living on their own.
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There are an estimated 5 million homeless in the United States, of which about 56 percent have some sort of shelter, such as a car or the ability to pay for a motel room, at least part of the time. Of the total number of homeless, 66 percent are single white males. Women, families and teenagers follow close behind. There is an equal number of whites and African American homeless but only a small percentage of Hispanics (11 percent) and Native Americans (8 percent) without a roof over their heads.
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A high percentage (up to 25 percent) of people living on the streets suffer from some type of mental illness, with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia being the most common. Public-funded health benefits designed to help those with mental illness are in short supply, and many people who are not deemed a danger to others are left on the streets because there is no enough space for them in state clinics.
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One common myth regarding homeless people is that they have been living in the streets forever. The truth is that a large percentage of homeless people are without a roof only temporarily.
I can only ask the questions I want answers to. Who was responsible for the closing of mental facilities across the country? Who decided to dump thousands of mentally ill people onto the streets? Who is responsible for the continuing lobbying in Washington for tax money that is to be used to help them? How much of each dollar of that tax money actually trickles it’s way down to the homeless. It can’t be much since they all seem to be panhandling with a vengeance.
My last little tidbit is the story about one Gary Thompson. Read it and weep. I’m not sure who is more stupid, Thompson or the morons who are slowly making him a millionaire.
He’s in a wheelchair, and gets his money by making you feel sorry for him. Gary Thompson, says he rakes in 60,000 to 100,000 dollars a year begging. He is in a wheelchair, because he has difficulty walking, but his speech isn’t slurred and his arms are fully functioning. Thompson is not the man he makes himself out to be.
"I appreciate you guys busting me," Thompson says as he laughs. "Yeah, I’m really good at it, really good. I clear about 100,000 dollars a year doing this." Thompson goes on to tell us, "I am normal, it just helps to be mentally handicapped." Thompson is banking on the fact you’ll feel sorry for him, enough to give him your hard-earned money.
Thompson has now been exposed, but he doesn’t seem worried, or remorseful. He was caught him on camera trying his act again, after he was arrested, right outside police headquarters. It doesn’t look like he’s going to stop this anytime soon: "Hey I love y’all!" Thompson says, looking right into the camera. "Keep paying me! I’ll see you on the street!"
On another note, Thompson used to be a millionaire. His mother sued Honda in 1993 after he was injured in a motorcycle accident. He got 2.4 million dollars, money he says he blew.
Remember all this information and also remember my cynical position the next time your approached and guilted or intimidated into giving them your money.
Political correctness (adjectivally, politically correct; both forms commonly abbreviated to PC) is a term which denotes language and ideas, policies, and behavior seen as seeking to minimize social and institutional offense in occupational, gender, racial, cultural, sexual orientation, disability, and age-related contexts. In current usage, the term is primarily pejorative. Pejoratives are words or grammatical forms which denote a negative effect; that is, they express the contempt or distaste of the speaker.
I’ve stated for years that political correctness was a real and present danger to the welfare of this country. I guess I was somewhat mistaken because since the rise of Obama and his minions to power it has progressively gotten worse. You may or may not be a fan of this president but either way you can’t argue with my last statement. I even read recently that polls show that race relations have been seriously eroded as well.
It’s always good to get a second or third opinion of political correctness to verify my own findings and opinions. The above definition was obtained from an encyclopedia and is very formal and vanilla. My definition is a bit more hostile and more detailed.
Political correctness has been the ongoing downfall of our society for more than thirty years. It all started in the counter culture of the sixties and the “free love” generation. Be kind, be nice, never say anything that will upset anyone, smoke a little dope, and move on down the road. It has finally returned to bite us in the ass with all of the bleeding hearts denying law enforcement the right to profile after the attacks of 9/11.
Do you find it preferable for TSA to man-handle, search, pat down, and feel up totally innocent citizens at every airport in the country. I find it disheartening how all of us just go along. Pat down the old lady with the walker, she must be a Muslim terrorist. Dump that old man out of that wheelchair and pat his ass down, he may have a nuke hidden in his Depends.
Enough time has now passed to allow the extremists to have infiltrated the country and to begin recruitment at their local mosques of some of our blue eyed and blond haired morons to take up their fight.
It seems the only way to short-circuit political correctness in this country is to suffer such a massive disaster that the public anger will override political correctness once and for all. Just let someone set off a dirty bomb or a small nuke in one of our cities. Political correctness has become such a part of our way of thinking it should only take two or three months for our people to forgive those poor misunderstood terrorists.
On top of that we’ve permitted a new organization to be formed that has become more dangerous than some of the terrorists. HOMELAND SECURITY! The name itself reeks of George Orwell’s 1984. Land of the free? I’m not so sure anymore.
With all this heat we’ve been suffering through I discovered just how many things there are that annoy me when I’m all hot, sweaty, and irritable. My normal list of annoyances has increased by a factor of ten.
I realize the heat makes it even worse but it getting ridiculous. Yesterday I found myself annoyed by a plane flying over my house. The fact that it was at least 25,000 feet high made no difference. Those bastard pilots. It’s getting out of control and I’m praying for cooler weather before someone decides to kick my ass.
I jotted down a few more that some of you will hopefully agree with.
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People who wait in a long checkout lines and then can’t find their checkbook or credit card.
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People who are constantly late.
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Commercials that are so much louder than the TV shows.
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Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
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Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
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People who make small talk with a cashier when there’s a long line behind them.
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Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
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TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you think the sound is coming from your house.
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Waiters/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
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Fake laughter.
The more I think about this list the longer it gets. I’m going to keep on rolling and hopefully I’ll reach the end of this nonsense.
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Stepping on a wet spot with my socks on.
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Drivers who won’t turn right on red.
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Being asked for my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone.
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Celebrities preaching to me about politics.
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People saying "What’s up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
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The lame-ass naming of celebrity couples.
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Suburban kids who think they’re gangstas.
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People who refer to themselves in the third person.
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Rappers who thank God at awards ceremonies.
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Mumbling, then annoyingly saying "Forget it!" when people don’t hear you.
Still going strong but I seem to be feeling a little better by unburdening myself like this.
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Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift.
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People who dress their pets.
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Annoying nervous laughter.
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Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
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People who say "carmel" instead of "caramel".
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Overuse of the word "Like"
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Mispronunciation of words.
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People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude" way too often.
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When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
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People who bring their babies to the movies.
Wow, I’m starting to think almost everything is annoying me these days.
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When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at the results.
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Flood pants on men.
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People who don’t listen when you are talking to them.
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Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll.
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People abbreviating words when they speak.
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Rude people talking at movies.
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Barking dogs.
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Having to explain the same thing more than once.
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People who don’t flush the toilet.
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When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole at Dunkin Donuts.
I’ve got to stop this foolishness. If I add just one more item to this list I’ll start annoying myself and for some reason that just seems wrong. Being annoyed by myself while listing annoyances of other people that annoy everyone else. It’s a conundrum I tell you. I think it’s time for all of you to make your own list. It’s annoying that you haven’t completed one already so get to it.
Man it’s hot in here.
Time for a journal entry and to play a little catch-up with what’s happening in my boring life. First things first; it’s freaking hot, second; it’s freaking humid, and thirdly; I’m freaking sweating my ass off. There, I don’t feel any cooler or any better but it just felt good to bitch at someone other than my better-half. She’s has that “I’m going to kill you if you whine about the heat just one more time”, look in her eyes. Truthfully she can be a little scary when provoked.
I decided to live in Maine for a number of reasons. I dislike hot weather and I thought by moving here I could escape the worst of it. Well that dream ended this year. I might as well be living in Florida, Arizona, or even freaking Death Valley. I think it’s time for the better-half and me to consider moving north a few hundred miles where it’s a bit cooler. The downside to that is we’d be living in Canada. That’s almost as bad as living where it’s too hot. In my humble opinion Canada sucks both politically and personally. That should piss a few people off but I don’t really care, it’s to hot to give a damn.
I started out a few days ago to get into the woods to try out my new 24.5 megapixel Nikon camera. I lasted about as long as it took me to drive to the area. I would have looked silly with my camera and other equipment pulling a little red wagon behind me filled with bottles of water. Just too effing hot.
The all knowing and all seeing weather forecasters are predicting a break in the heat sometime before I die. I try never to believe them because they seem to be more wrong than right. We had a short period last night of actual real wind. I went out on the deck to enjoy the breeze and found out something else entirely. Black flies apparently love a cool breeze too. Between them and the mosquitos I was screwed. I retreated back into the gigantic oven we call our home and turned on every ceiling fan I could find. It was like trying to watch TV while sitting on an airport runway.
So I’ve bitched and complained as much as I care to about the weather. It’s time to return to my life and the birthday party due to start in an hour. I’m doing all the cooking on a nice hot grill. I just can’t get a break.
Before I go I’d like to thank the new followers of this blog. I hope you others visit their sites and enjoy their blogs as much as I do. Thank you all:
Cooper1505, Joanna, Three Wise Guys Podcast, Jimmy Benton, All Most Relevant, Lampsonirvine, Marcela Cava Balsa, tedgaming, Political Connection,
urbanwallart, Pinkopolis, ikeiaconis, sexytoyworld, Chris Martin, Matthew Richards, Julian Sherman, dcardiff, Spinnos Manolis, gardenofyvonne, Frankie Leone, Mazhar, painting13, A Southern Butterbean in Maine, loveanddatingforsingles, Jack Media, Big Blogger of Knowledge, zma752,
James Curnow, and Your Daily Phil.
If you read this blog then you know I’m not a proponent of organized religion. I’m trying to keep from going into a major rant on religion because I’ve done it too may times before. You also know that I love to read and love to roam around the Internet to keep up with things as best I can.
As I was doing that yesterday I discovered a few sites offering letters written to God by children of all ages. The letters were for the most part typical of young kids writing to almost anyone like Santa, the President, their Parents, and others. In the corner of one page I noticed a link to access a letter from God.
This intrigued me so I decided to check it out. It was a long and boring essay from God knows who that was made available for parents to use. You filled in a number of blanks with the kids information which then merged with the document and printed out a completed letter specifically to that child from God. I thought to myself, “Who would do something like this to their child”. Scaring the hell out of a young kid with tales of a wrathful God demanding prayers makes me very uncomfortable. I wonder how many of the world’s Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Christian, and Buddhist children were given similar letters or stories passed down through generations. I’m all for a good and wholesome religious message to kids but frightening them with tall tales is more than a little scary.
I was raised Catholic and part of my childhood education into religion was being told many things that disturbed me then and still do. I have issues with any religion that insists they are the only path to follow and will do almost anything to insure their flock stays loyal. Propagandizing kids has been done for generations and look where we’ve ended up. Some of the worst wars and mass killings throughout history were done in the name of religion, not your God but their God.
I continued looking around and found the following letter. It’s a multi-level guilt trip for your children that is intended to force them to pray. I guess most of the worlds largest religions use the same playbook for maintaining control. One of the most effective things is convincing the kids by any means necessary not to think for themselves but to obey the dictates of their church.
Here’s the letter. Would you send this to your children?
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Hi,
As you got up this morning, I watched you and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday – but I noticed you were too busy trying to find the right outfit to put on and wear to work.
I waited again. When you ran around the house getting ready I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were too busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip.
I watched as you went to work and I waited patiently all day long. With all your activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me. I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn’t bow your head.
You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn’t. That’s okay. There is still more time left, and I have hope that you will talk to me…yet you went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done you turned on the TV,
I don’t know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spent a lot of time each day in front of it, not thinking about anything – just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal… but again you didn’t talk to me.
Bedtime – I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time.
That’s okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I’ve got patience more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well. I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.
Well you are getting up again and once again I will wait with nothing but love for you hoping that today you will give me some time.
Have a nice day!
Your friend,
GOD
P.S. Do you have enough time to send this to another person?
* * *
I have many other things to say on this subject but I’ll save them for another time.
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
* * *
HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
* * *
Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
I guess I need to apologize for the short and uninformative posting yesterday. My state of mind was kind of like a weather report on the evening news: Higher temperatures expected this evening with intermittent diarrhea and vomiting. Tomorrow’s forecast looks much better with lower temperatures and calm and clear conditions (I hope).
My better-half has accused me in the past of being a cynical SOB who is skeptical about everyone and everything. I have to agree with her to a point but I prefer the term pragmatic which sounds a little better. With that in mind I’m trying to look at this bout of flu or virus from a different perspective. I’ll pretend to be the optimistic and happy-go-lucky kind of guy my better-half wishes me to be.
Here goes. For most of the day I was in and out of sleep and running a fairly high temperature. I was dreaming and conscious most of the time but not really making much sense of things. As bad as I felt I found that special something that my better-half has been preaching to me about. I’m happy, proud, and honored to announce that I spent some quality time in a classroom with Sir Isaac Newton. His hair was a little strange looking but the conversation was educational and informative. I won’t go into specifics because they’re still a little fuzzy and hard to remember. Dreams are like like.
The second good thing about this illness was a little harder to discover but being the new and improved optimistic SOB I’ve become I finally figured it out. Weight loss. I’ve lost close to six pounds in less than three days and I didn’t have to hit the gym or participate in any physical activity. That’s a true statement if you don’t consider projectile vomiting a form of exercise. I know I sure don’t.
So, excellent and historically incorrect dreams along with a six pound weight loss. It really can’t get much better than that says my better-half. I hate to burst her rose-colored-glasses bubble but I have no choice. As much as I like meeting a long dead scientist and losing six pounds of ugly fat, it still wasn’t worth it. In my humble opinion being optimistic is highly overrated. I plan on staying just the way I am and the hell with Isaac Newton, a few pounds of weight loss, and my ever so optimistic better-half.
The morale of the story is simple: "Being sick sucks!"
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