Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category
What’s a day without a load of trivial and useless information. If you want to know everything about celebrity’s losing their virginities this is the place to be today. In no particular order.
Jimi Hendrix – age 12
Johnny Depp – age 13
Clint Eastwood – age 14
David Duchovny – age 14
Bruce Willis – age 14
Michael Caine age 15
Charlie Sheen age 15
Madonna age 15
Victoria Beckham – age 17
Brad Pitt age 18
Leonardo DiCaprio – age 18
Brooke Shields – age 18
Mira Sorvino – age 20
Mariah Carey – age 23
Lisa Kudrow – age 31
I LOST MINE AT AGE 14 WITH SANDRA
I love reading limericks written in a totally different time and place. Today’s selection is from the war years in England. Even with all of the violence and mayhem going on they took time to maintain a sense of humor. Thank god for sex and it’s related activities, it’s all they had.
****
1941
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And they could even swat flies on her belly.
****
1943
There was a young man from Narragansett
Who colored his prick to enhance it.
But the girls were afraid
That ere they get laid
T’would lose all its color in transit
****
1945
A detective named Ellery Queen
Has olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell in a flash
By the scent of a gash
Who its previous tenant had been.
****
1941
19There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.
****
KEEPING WAR TIME MORALE AS HIGH AS POSSIBLE
It’s officially Fall here in Maine. The temperature has fallen and the winter clothing and extra blankets have been unpacked. I’m sure there are snowblowers all over the state being readied for what is sure to be coming. If that doesn’t depress you a little then nothing will. Today’s post contains limericks written in the late sixties and early seventies and should be considered poetry of a sort. They’ve even been categorized to make it easier for me to choose. Today’s theme will be “Virgins”. Enjoy!
*****
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
*****
There was a young fellow name Gluck
Who found himself shit-out-of-luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don’t give a fuck.
*****
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
*****
A religious lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
“I wish to be opened with prayer.”
*****
HAPPY MONDAY – HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I think many people have at least one phobia they must deal with. I’m claustrophobic and have been my entire life. Crowded stores and closed in spaces will make me more than a little crazy. That includes flying around the country in an enclosed metal tube on any airline. One of the more common phobias is coulrophobia which is a fear of clowns. I don’t fear them, but they sure make me a little uncomfortable. Today’s post includes many facts about that phobia and clowns in general. Read on all you clown haters.
- In a British survey of phobias, coulrophobia placed third, outranking common fears such as flying and heights.
- Experts attribute coulrophobia to the heavy makeup and exaggerated features of clowns, which can frighten young children.
- Others attribute coulrophobia to the prevalence of evil clowns in popular media, such as the child murdering Pennywise in Stephen King’s “It” and a clown doll that attacks a boy in Poltergeist.
- One of the worst serial killers in US history, John Wayne Gacy, entertained kids dressed as a clown.
- At one point some health activists wanted McDonald’s to drop Ronald McDonald as a mascot because he markets unhealthy food to children.
- Paul Kelly, son of famous clown Emmett Kelly Junior, was arrested in 1978 for the murders of two of his homosexual lovers. Kelly admitted to the slayings but listed his clown alter ego Willy as an accomplice.
- Famous celebrities who are known to fear clowns include Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliffe, Billy Bob Thornton, and Sean Combs.
- Many experts point to obscure facial features as the most frightening aspect of clowns and relate this to masked or disfigured movie killers like Michael Myers in Halloween, Jason in the Friday the 13th movies and Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare on Elm Street.
- Coulrophobic Sean Combs has been known to include a “no clowns” clause in contracts even at the risk of being banned from his own shows.
- Coulrophobia can be treated with exposure therapy, which presents patients with photos and dolls of clowns to help them slowly work through their fears.
There you have it folks. Fear of clowns is more common than you thought. My biggest fear is that I walk into a small and confining space and then find a clown in there . . . run for your effing life.
WEAR A BIG RED NOSE TO WORK, I DARE YOU
It’s kind of a rainy day here in Maine. It’s gray and miserable which makes me feel even lazier than I normally do. With that thought in mind I thought I’d reach all the way back to the year 1984 for some retro riddles. As you read them keep remembering these were written in the 1980s which might help you put them into their proper context. Here we go . . .
- What’s the difference between a gigolo, a doctor, a Rabbi, a girlfriend and a Quaalude? A gigolo is a penis vendor, a doctor is a penis mender, a rabbi is a penis ender, a girlfriend is a penis tender, and a Quaalude is a penis bender.
- When did the madam realize that the guy with no arms and legs on the front porch of the brothel wasn’t fooling around? When she figured out how he rang the doorbell!
- What did the dentist say to the lady after she told him she’d rather have a baby then have a tooth pulled? “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair!”
- What did the German general do when he heard that Napoleon wore red into battle so his troops wouldn’t panic in the event he was wounded? He ordered a brown uniform!
- Why should you think twice before you marry a girl with hair down to her waist and boobs that stick out to here? Because in 10 years her boobs will be down to her waist and her hair will stick out to there!
- Why can’t a man win with his wife? Because if he comes home early, she accuses him of being horny. If he comes home late, she suspects that he’s been out getting some. And if he comes home on time, she figures he’s got it already!
- Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have testicles!
- What’s a liberated woman? A woman who has sex before marriage and a job afterwards!
- What’s the difference between a pig and a musician? A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician!
- What’s a platonic relationship? A relationship between a guy who wants to have sex and a girl who doesn’t!
SMILE, IT’S ALMOST THE WEEKEND
I decided that it was time to post a few limericks collected from a small and damaged book I discovered some months ago. It was published in 1980 and contains over 150 of the lewdest limericks I’ve ever seen. The great majority are so nasty I wouldn’t dare post them here, but I’ve found four of the more acceptable ones to give you an idea what I’m dealing with. Tell the kids to leave the room. Rated at least an “R”.
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
“Get out of my clinic!
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool.
🍆🍩🍆
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And so loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
🍩🍆🍩
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
🍆🍩🍆
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn’t the knack,
And he got too far back
In the right church, but the wrong pew.
🍩🍆🍩
AND THESE WERE THE TAME ONES
I am a longtime lover of feet. When most guys were scoping out boobs and butts, I was looking for women wearing sandles. I’m not sure why or when I developed this love of feet, but it started at a very young age. Over the years it has been a wonderful addition to my dating repertoire. With that in mind here are some odd facts about feet you may not have been aware of. Read on and be converted you butt loving and boob loving men (or women). It’s all good.
- The world’s tallest man, Robert Pershing Wadlow (8’11”) wore size 37 shoes.
- In many Asian countries is considered the height of rudeness to let the soles of your feet face another person.
- Your foot and ankle together contain 26 bones.
- The Achilles tendon is the longest and strongest tendon in your foot. The tendon is named after the Greek warrior who was killed when he was hit there with an arrow.
- The skin on the soles of your feet is .2 inches (5 mm) thick.
- Athletes foot can cause intense itching and pain. It is a fungus that grows between your toes because it likes the dark, moist conditions found there.
- It takes 20 muscles to hold each of your feet together and allow them to move as in dancing, running, and skipping.
- Getting “cold feet” means you want to back down or walk away from something you had planned to do.
- Your toes can get into lots of trouble. You could have hammer toes, claw toes, and overlapping toes, not to mention ingrown toenails. In some cases, people have been known to have their second toe a half inch or longer than the big toe (you know who you are).
- If you have fallen arches, the arch of your foot has flattened. The entire sole of your foot is on the ground, so you don’t have a natural shock absorber system as you walk.
There you have a few oddities about feet. Most of the things I mentioned are a rarity and doesn’t do anything to disturb my foot fetish. I remain as always, a dedicated (disturbingly so) lover of women’s feet. Add to that bright red, blood red nail polish and I’m yours for the taking. LOL
EVERYONE NEEDS AT LEAST ONE INTERESTING FETISH
I’ve posted previously about what Number Freaking is all about. If you’re really interested just do a search to read those posts. Today’s number freaking facts and stats concern sex. I knew that would get your attention very quickly. Read on and be educated . . .
- The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior claims sexual intercourse takes place, worldwide, 120 million times every day. Assuming an average of one male per coupling and one orgasm per male It is estimated that 30 million billion (30 quadrillion) sperms are in the hunt every day.
- Assuming a healthy male can make as many as 1500 sperm a second, in 1 min. he can produce 90,000 sperm.
- There are 2.2 billion adult women on earth. It would take one man 17 days to make one’s sperm per woman.
- The average number of kids born per women worldwide is 2.8. So, assume an average woman will lose 28 menstruating months to pregnancy during her lifetime.
- The average woman will menstruate 19.66 quarts of blood in her lifetime. That’s about the same amount as two cases of wine.
- The average American man first gets married at the age of 28.7 years and dies at the age of 76. A duration of 47.8 years. If he could manage having sex three times a day every day until he dies, he would’ve had intercourse 52,376 times.
- According to the Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behavior the country boasting the longest lasting sexual intercourse is Brazil at 30 min. The USA, Canada, and Brits follow with 28, 23, and 21 min. respectively. The quickest sex in the world takes place in Thailand in 10 min. and Russia in 12 min.
- The data shows that almost 88% of men’s penises measure between 5 and 7 inches when erect. When relaxed 90% of men are 3 to 5 inches.
- Kinsey also reports that the average vagina is 3 inches long with a diameter of .8 inches when aroused, and 3.75 to 4.1 inches long with a diameter of 2.3 to 2.5 inches when stimulated (so it’s wide enough for birth).
- Women in Kinsey studies said that on average they took just under 4 min. to achieve orgasm, flying solo. Practicing with a partner, however, it took between 10 and 20 min.
And here is one of my favorite factoids concerning men. There is a popular assumption that man think constantly about sex. Globally, life expectancy at birth, for a man, is 65 years. If we assume men start thinking about sex with the advent of puberty, which we’ll assume to be at age 13, that means men will think about sex every 6 seconds for 52 years or 273.5 million times.
NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL AN OBSESSION
I know I’ve been promising a post of really extreme limericks. I’ve hesitated because of the kids who might read this blog when their parents aren’t paying attention. Some limericks are written just for kids, funny ones for everyone, suggestive ones for others, and then comes the dirty, naughty, extra naughty, and last but not least the downright filthy. I’ve been taking this process slowly until I can find a way to post the really filthy ones but until then I’ll give you a few naughty ones to wet your limerick whistles.
😏😏😏
There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl “please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these.
😜😜😜
An old archaeologist, Throstle,
Discovered a marvelous fossil.
He knew from its bend
And the knob at the end,
T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle.
🤩🤩🤩
There was a young fellow named Menzies
Whose kissing sent girls into frenzies.
But a virgin, one night,
Crossed her legs in a fright,
And fractured his bi-focal lenzies.
🤣🤣🤣
A gay man who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued a lot
About who should do what,
And quite how and with what and to whom.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK
I love the English language. There are so many strange and interesting euphemisms that I could spend the rest of my life searching through. I recently stumbled onto a list of 228 euphemisms for sexual intercourse. Of course, I won’t be listing them all but here are ten you might find interesting or humorous.
- Play Pickle-me, Tickle-me
- Pray With the Knees Upward
- Trade a Bit of Hard for a Bit of Soft
And last but not least, here are ten euphemisms for sexual arousal: To Be Hot in the Biscuit, To Be Dripping for It, To Be Rooty, To Be in Season, To Be Constitutionally Inclined to Gallantry, To Have Peas in the Pot, To Be Hunky, To Be Affy, To Be Mashed, and finally To Be Primed.
WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL SIDE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
everyuselessthing.com 