I’m sending these rather bawdy limericks along after receiving a few requests for a raunchier selection. I’m nothing if not a people pleaser, so here they are. That’s right, you know who you are!!
I’ve been an animal lover all of my life. I’ve had all sorts of pets from ferrets, snakes, dogs, cats, and the list goes on and on. Today I thought I’d share with you some odd and trivia type facts on the animal kingdom. With this started . . .
A group of apes is called a shrewdness.
A group of alligators is called a congregation.
The blue whale has the largest penis of any organism on earth (8-10 ft).
The female barkfly has a penis, which is used to extract sperm from the male barkfly’s vagina.
A group of cockroaches is called an intrusion.
Boars can ejaculate continuously for up to 7 min.
A severed cockroach head can survive for hours.
The decapitated cockroach can live for weeks before it starves to death.
Fleas can survive for up to 100 days without a meal (without sucking your blood).
Cats are more popular pets and dogs.
The canine nose has more than four times as many scent receptors as the average cat nose (and more than 14 times as many as the human nose).
A dog on average has 42 teeth, compared to 30 teeth for domestic cats.
Cats can be left-handed.
Each year nearly 4,000,000 cats are eaten in China as a delicacy.
Electric eels generate enough electric charge to kill a horse or a human.
I think that’s enough for today and I’m sure you learned more than you ever cared about knowing of the weird and wonderful world of animals.
As I stated on so many occasions, I am a rabid science-fiction fan. I’ve been reading science fiction material since I was a kid when I found a copy of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in a box of trash near a neighbor’s home. While admittedly there’s a lot of crap out there calling itself science-fiction, the classics remain the classics. Two days ago, I started reading the Foundation Series by Isaac Asimov again. As a young man I read it the first time but to understand it at that age was difficult. I’ve read the entire series three times since and every time I find more things I missed. As I began to read it again my thoughts came back to Isaac Asimov himself and the fact that he was not only an incredible writer but also wrote many outrageous and bawdy limericks. I thought I pass a few of those along to you today because he really knew how to craft limericks. Here are a few . . .
It’s a cold Monday in February which means “Hurry Up Spring” I’m tired of waiting for you to get here. With that thought in mind I feel the need for something humorous on this drab Monday. I’ll try to keep my posted jokes no worse than PG, but I make no absolute guarantees. Unfortunately, I love bawdy humor thye most but I’m screening as best I can.
“One spring day two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to the nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the greenery and bite him on his penis. Hearing George’s howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he rushed into town for a doctor. “There’s only one way to save your friends life,” said the doctor gravely. “If you cut an X over the bite and then suck all the poison out, you’ll probably be okay, but otherwise there’s not much hope.” Hearing Fred’s footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, “Fred, what’d he say? What did the doctor say?” “George, old friend, “said Fred sadly, “he said you’re going to die.”
😋😋😋
A woman went into the neighborhood grocery store and ask the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew that she didn’t have a cat. So, he asked why she was buying the cat food. The woman replied, “It’s for my husband’s lunch. “The grocer was shocked and said, “You can’t feed the cat food to your husband! It will kill him.” “I’ve been giving it to him for a week now, and he really likes it!” she replied. And so, each day, the woman would come in and buy a can of cat food for her husband’s lunch. One day the grocer happened to be scanning the obituary columns of the local newspaper and noticed that the woman’s husband had passed away. When she came into the store a few days later, he said to her, “I’m sorry to hear about your husband, but I told you that if you kept giving him cat food it would kill him.” The woman replied, “It wasn’t the cat food that killed them. He broke his neck trying to lick his ass!”
So much for my Monday humor. I firmly believe they would’ve been much funnier if I had posted some really dirty jokes. I’ll bear that in mind for future postings. Here’s one final joke for all of you sports fans out there.
Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostitute for next season? A: Because they’re in dire need of two tight ends and a wide receiver.
It’s time for another day of limericks. I’ve been lucky enough to have most of the limericks in my files categorized by type. The list of types involves thousands of limericks and today’s topic will be “Virginity”. Since everyone has been a virgin at one time in their life, we should all enjoy these little tidbits of bawdy rhymes.
🏆🏆🏆
“Competition is keen, you agree,”
Said an ancient old flapper from Dee,
So, she dyed her gray tresses,
Chopped a foot from her dresses,
And her reason you plainly can see.
🥇🥇🥇
The bride went up the aisle
In traditional virginal style,
But they say she was nary
An innocent charity,
But a whore from the banks of the Nile.
🎖🎖🎖
There was a young girl named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.
❤❤❤
A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death.
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so
That she quit saying “No” and said “Yeth”.
🥉🥉🥉
You just can’t beat those old-style limericks. I think I actually enjoy them more than most of the newer versions.
Since we’re celebrating yet another Valentine’s Day, I thought a small collection of romantic limericks would be in order. If you’re expecting the lovey, dovey, type of rhymes you are about to be disappointed.
I’ve been a music lover since the age of seven. My tastes in music are eclectic to say the least because I love good old rock ‘n roll from the 50s and 60s, psychedelic rock from the 60s and 70s, and a few other things that caught my fancy along the way like opera and Glam Rock. Most people that know me would be shocked to know that I’ve been a David Bowie fan for many years and with his death the music industry lost a true star and innovator. This post today is celebrating the birth and introduction of Ziggy Stardust in London’s Toby Judge pub on February 10, 1972.
Bowie was just a minor rocker at the time but with the creation of Ziggy Stardust, Glam Rock was born. Any rock musician can put on a costume, but how many could have inhabited the identity of an androgynous Martian rock star come to Earth in its dying days, so effortlessly? To quote Vince Taylor, a figure well-known in late-’60s London, He was “A finger up the nose of pop sincerity…a boot in the collective sagging denim behind of hippie singer-songwhiners”. The album of the music age, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars. was voted one of the top 30 concept albums in history.
David Bowie
With the death of David Bowie in New York City on January 10, 2016, music lost one of its greats. Fortunately for us all, Ziggy Stardust will live on forever.
I thought I would offer up a few of the oldest limericks I’ve found so far. After reading a few of them I quickly discovered that the sense of humor then was a touch bawdier that many recent ones. Our ancestors probably needed something a little more attention getting in their humor. I’m sure many of them had very little to cheer about.
1882
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who remarked to his girl, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied, ” ‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole.
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”
1870
A young woman got married at Chester,
Her mother she kissed, and she blessed her.
Says she, “You’re in luck,
He’s a stunning good fuck,
For I’ve had him myself down in Leicester.”
1868
There was a young lady of Ealing
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, ” Dearest Jim,
Take your hand off my quim.
I much prefer fucking to feeling.
1871
There were three ladies of Huxham,
And whenever we meets’em we fucks’em,
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks’em.
I hope to post many more of these. I live to keep the tradition alive and well here in the 21st century.
Marion Shepilov Barry was an American politician who served as the second and fourth mayor of the District of Columbia from 1979 to 1991 and 1995 to 1999.
Who is the dumbest? This might be the stupidest question ever asked by anyone including myself. There is so much dumb going around in recent years, it would take me forever to put a coherent list together of the worst of them. I’ve been alive a long time and I’ve seen dumb, heard dumb, and on occasion spoke dumb myself. It’s only right that I’ve chosen to honor former mayor Marion Barry of Washington D.C. fame. He had problems putting together an eight-word sentence and if you don’t believe me, read on. His dumbness was also all too obvious when it came to hookers and crack cocaine. Someone at his level of stupid deserves to be memorialized by me, today and here are his tidbits of wisdom . . .
“I am providing you with a copulation of answers to several questions raised . . .”
“What we have here is an egregemous miscarriagement of taxitude.”
“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against adversity during this long period of increment weather.”
“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”
“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria, or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol, can you deny that Africa?”
“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
“People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them than? Would it?”
“There are two kinds of truth. There are real truths, and there are made up truths.”
“I am a great mayor, I am an upstanding Christian man, I am an intelligent man, I am a deeply educated man, and I’m a humble man.”
How could we possibly go wrong when this is the standard someone has to meet to be elected in the nation’s capitol. Is it any wonder Washington D.C. and Congress are eternally screwed up? Instead of firing and prosecuting Mayor Barry, we should have elected him President, it worked so well for Bill Clinton, so why not. I shouldn’t complain, I guess. If all politicians were actually what they claimed to be I wouldn’t have anything to write about.
IT’S TOO BAD ABOUT BARRY, BUT HE WAS NO DAN QUAYLE
everyuselessthing.com 