Archive for the ‘funny’ Tag
How often do you stop and think about when you were a kid? Does it make you sometimes wish you could be that kid again? Good questions and I’m sure I know the answers. Of course we’ve all taken that trip back to a simpler way of life where there was little or no stress and no overwhelming problems. Our biggest worries then were who to play with and for how long.
Art Linkletter made a fortune with “Kids Say the Darndest Things” because kids really do say the darndest things. They blurt out the truth without thinking about consequences or hurt feelings. Sometimes they’re blunt, sometimes cute, and always funny. I’ve collected the following blurbs during my travels on the Net to help make my point even more interesting.
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While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that’s right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?
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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!"
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"
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While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Soonnn. …..and into the hole he gooooes."
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I can’t get enough of these types of stories. There’s nothing better for me than to have the time to sit with a youngster and just have a normal conversation about anything. The way their mind works and how they express their ideas and observations is the absolute best.
We are a week or two away from celebrating our grandson’s first birthday and this week he began walking for the first time. I’m glad about that but he won’t be a real person to me until I can hear him speak his mind. He’ll probably be speaking within a few months and I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. As I watch him now as he observes the world around him, I can almost see him thinking. After more than a year of observing all of us he’s sure to have plenty of questions and opinions. I can’t wait to hear them.
For me this is a slow day. I’m writing on Sunday for Saturday but it still feels like a Sunday. It’s supposed to be a day of rest but that hardly ever happens. Today is a day of miscellaneous stuff and I’ll start off with the answers from yesterdays Food/Cooking Trivia Challenge. When I took the challenge I scored a measly four out of ten which wasn’t all that great but not altogether terrible. Let’s see how you did:
1. New Orleans
2. Miss Piggy
3. Shredded Wheat in 1882
4. 10 pounds. It takes about 75,000 flowers to produce a pound of saffron which is why it’s the most expensive spice the world.
5. 97%
6. The banana, apple, watermelon, orange and cantaloupe in order of their greatest consumption, according to the Food and Drug Administration.
7. The Frito Bandito commercial for Frito corn chips. The complaints came from Mexican-Americans.
8. Peanut butter. Five years later, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg filed for a patent on the process that was not very popular with patients at his Battle Creek, Michigan sanitarium.
9. Refrigerators
10. The fork.
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Now for a hypothetical job interview probably most appreciated by any of our Seniors who just happened to stumble upon this blog.
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don’t think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don’t really give a shit what you think."
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Was I wrong Seniors? That’s pretty much my mind set on any given day. Speak the truth as you see it and to hell with the consequences. I wish I could have been this honest during my days of working for some of the twerps I had for bosses. Oh well, I can dream can’t I?
Next I’ll pass along this paragraph sent to me by a friend from way out in flyover country. He thought it was humorous and so did I.
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No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
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One little dirty limerick to perk up your day:
There once was a young girl from Rabat,
who had triplets, Nat, Pat and Tat;
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.
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And last but not least a quick “Thank You” to this group of new followers to this blog. Welcome aboard! Please give their blogs a visit and enjoy them as much as I do.
Raluca Stoica, masondan, Opinionated Man, juliemontagu, penueaj, polishgirl21, marissax3x3, Jordan Policicchio, doctorbipolar, theoddspotblog,
ahines3, Charlotte Hoather, Kristin Maack, Susan, and Super Nate.
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I’m not a very religious person. As a kid I was dragged to church services by my mom every blessed week, kicking and screaming all the way. I was forced into catechism classes at a very young age which I hated. After a few years I was finally able to get my self ejected from them when I was caught reading a somewhat off-color magazine during a Sunday morning class.
I believe people should believe what they want as long as they leave me alone. Our church had the required illuminated sign out in front with those oh so interesting weekly announcements and even additional verbal notifications made during the Mass. There were wedding announcements, reading of the bans of marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. They were just as boring as you can imagine. Here are a few sample announcements that actually appeared on church bulletins boards or were announced during services that aren’t quite as boring as mine were. Have a chuckle or two on me.
You just can’t make this stuff up. Even the most pious of us can “screw the pooch” once in a while. Of course, I mean that in the most respectful and pious way.
Well, how did you do on yesterdays trivia challenge? I told you it was difficult so don’t be too disappointed that you didn’t score higher. I’ll be sending an assortment of those quiz’s your way over the next few months and some will be easier and others even harder. It’s just a little something to get you thinking and if some day you happen to win a bar bet or two, your welcome. Here are the answers you’ve been waiting for.
1. Peter Lorre
2. William Bendix
3. Johnny Mathis
4. The Return of Dr. X (He was a zombie.)
5. Andy Robinson (Son of Edward G. Robinson)
6. Superman
7. A teenage Andy Williams.
8. Frank Sinatra
9. It had no name, she called it “cat”.
10. Frank
Onward with other business. Normally on days like this I’ll try and offer you a little humor to start your day or end it depending on when you read this. Here’s a little joke for ya.
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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I’m reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She’s knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I’m nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she’ll be sixteen."
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Now that you have that small smile on your face I’ll move onto my next subject. I’d like to thank these folks for visiting this blog and then deciding to stick around for a while. New followers are always a pleasant surprise and I recommend you visit them and give their sites a look. Welcome aboard and thank you!
Joe Seeber, sfoxwriting, jangawol, Jordan Latour, funoften, ThePeopleIHaveSleptWith, Kylie Bannink, linzelite, miraclesworldrecords
I’ve stated thousands of times in the past that I’m NOT a fan of Country music. My constant exposure to it as forced on me by my better-half has really and truly dulled my senses. I’ve made my peace with that because I had no effing choice but just between you and I, I still hate C & W music.
I could give you any number of reasons why I hate it from the nerve shattering nasal twine of many of the singers to their choices of really stupid song titles and lyrics. The following song titles have been discovered and passed on to you just to prove my point. I’m not saying any of these titles made the Billboard charts but they are just as stupid as I predicted.
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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
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I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
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She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
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I Ain’t Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I Shore Woke Up With A Few
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I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
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I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You
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She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
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I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better
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Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
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How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
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I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
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I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
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I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
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If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me
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My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
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My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
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She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
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Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
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You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
So to those of you shit-kicking country folk out there you’d better get on-line as soon as possible and order this list of songs. I’d hurry if I were you because rumor has it that the demand is huge and you might be placed on a waiting list. They also may require that you take a short IQ test to insure you’re stupid enough to own them.
I’m writing this while my better-half is at work and I’ll do whatever I can to keep her from reading this posting tonight. She’s sure to throw a hissy fit and make me listen to even more of this alleged music than before. I’m not sure I could survive that. Hep me Jesus and Yee Haw, Y’all.
I spend a lot of my time watching and listening to people. It’s my most favorite of activities to be sure. I’ve recently began to see unusual patterns occurring in others which trouble me a great deal. It seems we as a people are loosing the ability to insult others with tact or sarcasm. I know, I was as stunned as you are. What is this country coming to if we lose that important ability. That’s one of the losses we suffer from too much political correctness.
"Your mother wears combat boots." was a good way for me to get my ass kicked in grade school. It was almost as bad as "Your mother dresses you funny." or "If my dog looked like your mother, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backward." Mother insults were always a good way to insult someone and be absolutely sure to get the proper reaction.
These days you can’t even call someone a liar, you must say “he’s diligently avoiding the truth”. That’s pussy talk in my opinion. Give me the good old days when someone wasn’t "educationally challenged" he was a moron or a dumb ass. It is said that the WW II generation was the greatest and I completely agree. They knew how to deliver an good insult that was polite, sarcastic, and devastating. No pussy talk for those guys or gals. Here are some classic insults by famous people of that era. Enjoy.
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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
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“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
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“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
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“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” – Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
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“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
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“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!” – Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor
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"There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure." – Jack E. Leonard
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"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." – Billy Wilder
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." – Winston Churchill
Three of my all time favorites, Mae West, Mark Twain, and Winston Churchill. They just don’t make them like that anymore and it’s a damn shame (In my humble opinion).
I love supplying all of you with tons of useless trivia but today I think I’ll change things up a little. I’ll be asking the questions and hopefully some of you will supply the correct answers.
We’ve all been raised sitting in front of the television and I don’t see that lessening any time soon. With the addition of smartphones and tablets it should increase every year for the foreseeable future.
With that in mind I’m supply you with twenty trivia questions concerning television over the last fifty years. Let’s see just how well you can do with them. I’ll supply the answers tomorrow and you can see just how well or how badly you’ve done. Lets begin.
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What are the names of the two old codgers who wisecrack from their box seats on the Muppet Show?
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What was Johnny Carson’s famous reply when a reporter asked what he would his epithet to be?
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What 1949 television program was the very first coast-to-coast network show?
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Who played Beau Maverick on the TV western comedy series Maverick?
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What were the only words spoken by Clarabell the clown on the Howdy Doody Show?
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What was the address of Big Birds nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
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What popular stand-up comic turned down the role of Trapper John McIntyre in the TV sitcom M*A*S*H before Wayne Rogers signed on for the part?
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How many opening monologues did Johnny Carson deliver during his 30 years as host of the Tonight Show?
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What role did Art Carney play in Jackie Gleason’s very first Honeymooners sketch?
10. Who was the first mystery guest to appear on the TV quiz show What’s My Line in 1950?
11. What TV sitcom family lived at 1313 Mockingbird Lane?
12. What was the theme song Jack Benny played off-key on his violin?
13. What character actress provides the voice of mother Marge on TVs animated sitcom The Simpsons?
14. What car did TVs Archie Bunker recall fondly in “Those Were the Days”, the theme song of the sitcom All in the Family?
15. On what TV show did Robert Guillaume first portray the sharp-witted, sharp-tongued butler Benson?
16. Who played Kato, the faithful Philippine valet-chauffeur, on the TV show The Green Hornet?
17. Who portrayed Arnold Ziffel on Green Acres, the late 1960s TV sitcom that starred Eddie Albert and Eva Gabor?
18. How many cases did Perry Mason lose in the nine seasons Raymond Burr appeared on TV as the ace defensive lawyer?
19. What were the names of the three sons in the TV sitcom My Three Sons, which featured Fred Mc Murray as widower Steve Douglas?
20. What is the meaning of kemo sabe the words Tonto used to address the Lone Ranger?
Bonus Question (Worth 2 Points): What actress’s unpublished home telephone number did comedienne Joan Rivers give out on national TV in 1986 when she was hosting The Late Show Starring Joan Rivers?
So how do you think you did? I won’t tell you my score because it sucked. I thought I knew a lot but once again I may have been mistaken. The answers will follow tomorrow.
During my wanderings yesterday I stumbled on a new treasure trove of absolutely useless information expanded to include virtually every country on the planet. I felt just like a little kid in a candy store. These factoids and tidbits are much more interesting than some I’ve previously found and I’m happy to be sending them along to you. Where I can I’ll note the source of the material and if you dispute the information call them.
There is no rhyme or reason as to how they are listed so just wade on through and enjoy.
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At birth, most babies cry at C or C Sharp. – Financial Times
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Five people were killed by falling icicles in the central Russian town of Samara between February 23 and 25, 2008. – Reuters
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On a QWERTY keyboard, 32% of keystrokes take place on the middle row, 52% on the upper row, and 16% on the bottom row. – Discover Magazine
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In ninety days a single toad can consume nearly 10,000 insects. – State of the World
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Hitler was on the short list for the 1938 Nobel Peace Prize. – The Guardian
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Two thirds of the world’s people have never seen snow. – Canadian Weather Trivia Calendar
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The average British woman spends two years of her life gazing in the mirror. – The Times
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Every year, an average of twelve Japanese tourists in Paris have to be repatriated due to severe culture shock. – Foreign Policy Passport
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Henry David Thoreau once burned down three hundred acres of forest trying to cook a fish he had caught for supper. – The Times
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On an average day, about 3.3% of the worlds population has sex. Less than 0.4% of these acts result in births. – Financial Times
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Asians make up 35% of the undergraduate body at MIT but only 4% of the US population. – New York Book Review
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There are an estimated 10,000 trillion ants on earth – roughly 1.6 million for each human. Their combined weight is equivalent to that of the entire human population. – MSN
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Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get fifteen positive responses. – The New Yorker
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Jack Bauer, the lead character from the series 24, personally killed 112 people in the first five seasons of the show. – The Guardian
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About 85% of Chinese people share only a hundred surnames. Wang is the most popular (with 93 million people), followed by Li (92 million) and Zhang (88 million). At least 100,000 people are named “Wang Tao,” making it the most popular full name. – China Daily
There you have it. The first installment of International Trivia. It’s nice to see that we Americans are not alone when it comes to weirdness and odd behavior. Carry on.
I’ve been sitting around for a while today trying to compile a list of five men and five women that I really admire. What does it say about me that I can’t get it done. I refuse to use celebrities or politicians because that’s just plain ridiculous but not many names are even making my short list.
So far my list of admired men consists of just one, Max Ehrlich. I’m positive you know nothing about Max. He was as eccentric as they come, independent, smart, funny, irreverent, and most importantly my favorite uncle.
He was a good old boy who worked hard all of his life. He was badly injured in a work place accident at a young age and was pensioned off by the company for a few hundred dollars a month. Did that slow him down? He picked himself up and restarted his life and did it his way. He knew almost everyone within a hundred mile radius on a first name basis and was what many servicemen would call a “first class scrounger”. He retrieved items through salvage and resold them to his acquaintances. If you needed something he could find it quickly and sell it to you cheaply.
For years he was considered the “black sheep” of our family because he refused to conform to what the family thought he should be. He was funny and irreverent and made my mother and her side of the family just cringe every time he spoke. I managed over the years to spend time with him because he was on the down-low, a friend of my dads. Many times during the Christmas holidays when I was seven or eight I remember riding along with him in his truck to deliver presents to some of his friends. It wasn’t until years later that I discovered what those presents were.
After I joined the State Police I was assigned to an area that included his hunting camp and when time permitted I would stop and visit to check the house and property. One sunny Sunday afternoon I pulled into the camp and while checking the house heard laughter from the back yard. I walked around to where he had built his homemade swimming pool and there was Max at age eighty skinny dipping with what he called two young honey’s, both in their sixties. I was speechless until he walked over without a stich on, patted me on the back, and introduced me to the girls. We all laughed till we cried.
He passed away a few years later shortly after his girlfriend of some fifty years died. My mother was one of the executors of his will and she soon discovered that good old Max had almost a quarter of a million dollars in his accounts. No one could figure out where it came from until they began to clean out the garage at the hunting camp. Above a hidden door in the ceiling they found a large still and all the necessary equipment for bottling. We later found out from two of our other elderly uncles that he had been making moonshine for decades. That was the presents the old goat and I delivered at Christmas time.
He’s still the only guy on my list and if I ever think of four more I’ll let you know. I still miss that SOB.
everyuselessthing.com 
I’ve been accused by my better-half on more than one occasion that she knows what I’m thinking when I say certain words. I refuse to repeat any of her examples because it’ll only make her think she’s right and then I’d never ever hear the end of it. It did get me thinking about certain words and phrases I’ve been hearing for most of my life from female family members, girlfriends, and spouses. I think this list may be used as a reference guide to help me in my future discussions (arguments) with my better-half concerning these matters. I’m sure if I put my mind to it I could add another twenty of thirty items to this list but what’s the point. For my male readers I’m sure you’ll recognize some of these golden oldies used by generations of women to confuse and misdirect us. War is truly hell when it involves the sexes. Arm yourselves with as much ammunition and information as you can. You’ve been warned.
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FINE – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.
WHATEVER – This is the new favorite word women use to convey “screw you”or “up yours”.
FIVE MINUTES – This means half an hour.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? – This has no real meaning. They only say it every fifteen minutes to drive us effing crazy.
NOTHING – This is the calm before the storm. This actually means "Something," and you should stand with your back to the nearest wall. ‘Nothing’ usually means Something and it’s Something bad for you.
GO AHEAD – This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it, trust me, DON’T DO IT.
FINE! - Does not really mean fine at all. It means “Fine, you rotten SOB” and you’ll be sorry for bringing it up.
LOUD SIGH – A sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and a moron and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
THAT’S OKAY – This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re welcome but make no direct eye contact.
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I hope this helps all of you men out there in your attempts to understand just what your woman or women are really saying. It takes decades for us men to even scratch the surface of understanding women and I’m firmly convinced we never will. We just have to keep trying.
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