Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag

04/09/2022 Obscure Tidbits   Leave a comment

This is the perfect day to load you all up with a few more interesting tidbits of totally useless information. It’s been raining here for almost 24 hours, my backyard is flooded with 3 feet of dirty water, and it’s sure as hell not feeling much like Spring. It’s either sit in my warm and cozy man-cave and post this information or blow up an inner tube and go out in the backyard and float around in the lake. So, here’s your latest installment of ?????

  • You can form the number 12,345,678,987,654,321 by multiplying 111,111,111 by 111,111,111.
  • Chicago’s O’Hare airport sells more hot dogs than any other airport in the world.
  • The “WD” in WD-40 stands for Water Displacement. The “40” came about because it took the creators that many attempts to get the formula right.
  • A United States green card is actually yellow.
  • A shark jaws are not attached to the rest of its skeleton; that great maw is held in place by muscles and ligaments.
  • In the early to mid 1800’s, a trip by Conestoga wagon from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh – a distance of about 300 miles – took roughly 3 weeks.
  • During a 60-year life span, an average tree will produce nearly 2 tons of leaves to be raked.
  • The working title of the Beatles hit “With a Little Help from My Friends” was originally “Bad Finger Boogie.”
  • According to Hollywood lore, silent film actress Norma Talmage started the tradition of stars putting their footprints in the cement at Grauman’s Chinese theater when she accidentally stumbled onto the freshly laid sidewalk in front of it in 1927.
  • The first American president to be photographed was John Quincy Adams.
  • Most people take about 23,000 breaths a day.
  • The first paper towel came from defective toilet paper. Someone at the Scott company saw a crumpled, seemingly ruined roll of TP and decided it should be sold as a kind of disposable hand towel.
  • First speed limit in the United States was set in 1901 in Connecticut at 12 mph.
  • Samuel Seymour was five years old when he was at Ford’s theater the night Abraham Lincoln was shot. He was the last survivor of that event. He died in 1956.
  • The former communist leader of Romania, Nikolai Ceausescu – also known as “The Giant of the Carpathians” – banned the game Scrabble because he felt it was too intellectual. He also believed that baseball was subversive.

I think that’s about enough for today. I hope you find these factoids interesting even though they are a bit obscure. These are just things you never realized you needed to know and you’re welcome!

C’MON SPRING

04/04/2022 More Bad Poetry   2 comments

As you may have guessed, I’ve been around a while and my memories go back many years. I survived the 60’s and 70’s with only minor damage and tried desperately to forget everything about the 80’s and 90’s. The new millennium was a big letdown, and it still remains just that. This little ditty was written in 1978 or there abouts. I was smoking a lot of Weed in those days so I’m not entirely sure about the exact date. Take a trip back with me.

THE GENERATION GAP❤
Your Dis’n me, I’m Dis’n you,
It’s all just Greek to me.
It’s wicked hot, she’s wicked cool,
I’m wicked confused you see.


I thought our slang from years ago
was a cool and groovy thing.
We’d rap all night about far-out stuff
and what the future might bring.


Peace Man! Protest marches,
and on into the night.
We’d smoke some weed and drink some beer,
it’s what made everything alright.


Stop the war! Kent State Revenge, was
what we thought was cool.
Pass the beer, we can crash over here,
so, we’re a little late for school.


To mix and match the old and new
really must be done.
To help prepare for whatever new
and the nonsense that’s sure to come.

❤❤❤

And for our millions of millennials:

LIKE WHATEVER!!!!!

04/03/2022 More Kids Limericks   Leave a comment

Today’s been a slow day here in Maine and after two days of sunshine we’re back to our normal gray, cold, and miserable days. When trying to decide what to post today, I went back into my e-mails and discovered quite a few requests for more children’s limericks. I enjoy them myself but in truth, I love the bawdy ones just as much. Here are a few from the kids. I hope you enjoy them.

And undisciplined child named McLundy

Always got to school late, until one day

He was early for once,

But the ignorant dunce

Had forgotten that it was a Sunday!

😃😃😃

A greedy young schoolboy called Mark

Stuffed bananas all week, for a lark.

And when he was done,

Gobbled nuts by the ton,

Now he swings through the trees in the park.

😄😄😄

A robber named Brian McGrew

Decided to burgle a zoo.

But he foolishly stole a

Huge boa constrictor

Which ate him without more ado!

😁😁😁

A naughty young schoolboy from Datchet

Sneak off with his grandfather’s hatchet.

Then was heard to cry: “Oh!

I’ve chopped off my toe!

Won’t somebody please re-attach it?”

03/31/2022 Stupid Criminals   Leave a comment

Many, many, many years ago I was a state police officer in Pennsylvania. There’s no question that being a cop is a tough job and it’s even worse these days. There’s an old saying amongst cops that police work is “Hundreds of hours of boring patrol work and the occasional 2 or 3 minutes of absolute terror”. While I agree with that there’s also something else that all cops must deal with. That is stupid criminals. We had another saying I was extremely fond of and that was “If it weren’t for stupid criminals, we’d never catch anyone”. That was meant to be funny, but some of the best laughs I’ve ever had in my life had to do with the people I met during investigations and the statements they gave in response to my questions. Here are a few examples of situations other cops have dealt with that might tickle your funny bone.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $2000?
Army military policeman Daniel Christian Bowden, 20, was arrested at the Fort Belvoir (Va.) Federal Credit Union as he attempted to deposit almost $3,000 of cash into his account. A teller called police on Bowden because she recognized him as the very man who had robbed the credit union of nearly $5,000 two weeks earlier.

STEAL THE RIGHT THING
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

PLEASE ARREST ME
Carlos Manuel Perez, 21, was jailed in Anniston, Ala. after a series of missteps that almost begged for his arrest. He stopped in front of a local government building in a stolen car, which had no license plate. His intention, he told the first person he saw, was to inquire about getting a non-photo identification card, since he was not carrying a driver’s license. That first person happened to be Sheriff Larry Amerson, in uniform. When pressed for ID, Perez produced a social security card with the name Matthew Nowaczewski (though Perez has a dark-skinned Hispanic complexion). He also produced a birth certificate under that name but with some information erased and rewritten in pen, including his birthplace of “MiSSSissippi.” Said Amerson later, “I know I’m from Alabama, but I’m not that stupid.”

YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID

03/30/2022 More Bad Poetry   2 comments

As my contribution to the current culture, I feel a real responsibility to donate something to the cause. Since I’m not a poet, I have the right to have some fun with poetry in general. I’ve never really had an appreciation of poetry and all of the flowery and descriptive emotions that are thrown around so freely. Since I’ve never heard most of those pretty phrases used in normal conversation, they don’t feel real and meaningful to me. I like my poetry to be more down to earth without all the BS. Here’s another beauty for you . . .

OLDIES

Be Bop A Lula, She’s my baby, I’ve loved those lyrics for years.

In the backseat, we hummed right along in between all of the beers.

I stroked and stroked her beautiful hair as the Coasters sang “Charlie Brown”.

Off with our clothes and tickled her toes as we turned our frowns upside down.

Those oldies had a wonderful rhythm that made our hips get the beat.

A kiss on the neck, a breast in my hand, and a cop with a flashlight….

Shit! It’s the heat.

It’s certainly no Robert Frost piece of work but that’s okay by me. He wouldn’t like my work almost as much as I don’t like his. I wrote this little ditty when I was in the ninth grade and Sue didn’t appreciate it either.

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Poetry Blows

And so, does Sue.

03/24/2022 😝Bad Poetry Alert😝   2 comments

NIGHT PARTNER’S❤

Gurgle! Gurgle! Sputter! and Pop!

Those strange night noises

that just won’t stop.

Bad dreams of dragons and

monsters continue,

What I really need now is a

cork to put in you.

😫😫😫

One of these days when we

both least expect it,

a terrible thing will occur.

Instead of gurgle, sputter and

pop, you’ll be gone, nothing left,

but a large brown wet spot.

ISN’T POETRY MAGICAL?

03/22/2022 💥Stupid Headline Alert💥   Leave a comment

STUDY SHOWS FREQUENT SEX ENHANCES PREGNANCY CHANCES

03/21/2022 Kids & Limericks   Leave a comment

A few days ago, I posted a mish-mosh of items which included two limericks from young children. I love the fact that there are kids growing up into a new generation of limerick writers. I would hate to think limericks would fall by the wayside here in the 21st century when they’ve added so much amusement and laughter for hundreds of years. I have a collection of children’s limericks that I’ll share with you periodically because they are cute, adorable and much less bawdy than their adult counterparts. These are for those of you who are too delicate to read the real deal. I hope you enjoy them.

👩🏻👳🏻‍♂️👲🏻

Consider the poor hippopotamus

His life is unduly monotonous.

He lives half sleep

At the edge of the deep,

And his face is as big as his bottom is.

👩🏻👩🏻‍🦰👩🏻‍🦳

A sea serpent saw a big tanker,

Bit hole in its side and then sank her.

He swallowed the crew

In a minute or two,

And then picked his teeth with the anchor.

👱🏻‍♂️👲🏻👨🏻‍🦳

There was a young bather from Bewes,

Who reclined on the bank of the Ouse,

His radio blared,

And passers-by stared,

For all he had on was the news!

👼🏻👱🏻‍♂️👳🏻‍♂️

“What,” said our teacher, Ms. Pink,

“Is this moth doing here in my ink?”

Said a cheeky young lass,

At the front of the class,

“The Butterfly Stroke, I should think!”

NOT TOO BAD FOR YOUNGSTERS

03/18/2022 “A Mish-Mosh”   Leave a comment

Today is the perfect day for a pile of miscellaneous information that you didn’t realize you were missing. First a “Stupid Headline”, then a quote from the late Larry King, and thirdly a few retro bumper stickers to take you back to the 70’s. Last but not least two children’s limericks. Enjoy!

😝😝😝

STUDENT EXCITED ABOUT DAD GETTING HEAD JOB

🤓🤓🤓

“I never learned anything while I was talking.” – Larry King

🚘🚖🚗

GUNS CAUSE CRIME, LIKE FLIES CAUSE GARBAGE

NOT ALL WOMEN ARE FOOLS, SOME ARE SINGLE

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR OTHER CAR IS, WHAT YOU LOVE, OR WHAT YOU’D RATHER BE DOING

☘☘☘

There once was an organic leek

That had managed to learn how to speak.

At the site of the knife,

It would fear for its life,

And go: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

☘☘☘

There was a young girl named Miss Muffet

Who sat down one day on a tuffet.

She’d sooner have had

A chair, I might add,

But sometimes you just have to rough it.

ENJOY YOUR DAY (TGIF)

03/14/2022 “Epithets”   2 comments

For many years after moving to New England, I spent a great deal of time in dozens of local cemeteries in southern Maine, checking out epithets, and anything else interesting that I could find. There was a time when I would stretch T-shirts over old tombstones and do rubbings of family names and places which I then sold in a local gift shop. Business became so brisk I was able to take requests from certain families to memorialize their long dead relatives. It was a little weird at times but very interesting. I also got to meet a few of the local law enforcement officers who repeatedly stopped to check me out. The epithets were remarkable since most of the early deaths were colonists from England, the home of the limerick. What follows are not the ones I discovered back then but discoveries made by other morbid folks who were also fascinated by them. Here are a few priceless ones I think you might enjoy.

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness’ sake.

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,

So, he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

Burlington Massachusetts

🎇🎇🎇

Here lies Ann Mann;

She lived an old maid and

She died an old Mann.

Bath Abbey, England

🎇🎇🎇

Sacred to the memory of

Elisha Philbrook and his wife Sarah

Beneath these stones do lie,

Back-to-back, my wife and I!

When the last trumpet the air shall fill,

If she gets up, I’ll just lie still.

Sargentville, Maine

🎇🎇🎇

Sacred to the memory of

Jared Bates

who died August 6, 1800.

His widow, age 24, lives at 7 Elm

Street, has every qualification for a

good wife and yearns to be comforted.

Lincoln, Maine

🎇🎇🎇

THINK UP A GOOD ONE FOR YOURSELF

AND LEAVE IT WITH A FRIEND

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