Archive for the ‘limericks’ Tag
Just what you’ve all been clamoring for – more limericks. I made a lucky discovery a few weeks ago when I purchased a book containing 1700 limericks dated between 1810 and 1950. Instead of printing a few here and there I decided to pick a few selections from each decade. They’ll give us a good flavor of the times in which they were written. Many are crass and bawdy and there’s a host of them from the war years in the 1940’s. Just a warning . . . some of these are not for children or anyone whose overly religious or just plain naive. Let’s get to it . . .
There was a young girl in Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And fucked her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?” 1927
Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
You can’t take you’re women
Canoe’in or swimm’in,
But a lot can be done on a couch. 1927
There was a young man named Hughs
Who swore off all kinds of booze,
He said,”When I’m muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws.” 1926
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said,”Stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.” 1923
There was a young lady named May
Who strolled in a park by the way,
And she met a young man
Who fucked her and ran,
Now she goes to the park every day. 1924
What do you think? It seems the same sense of humor required to write limericks doesn’t change much from one generation to another.
Thank God!
Everyone who’s ever read this blog for more than a day or two, knows just how much I love limericks. I like them funny, dirty, and filthy. I’ve been collecting them for many years but in a recent book I discovered a gentleman named John Ciardi. He was the second half of the book of limericks authored by Isaac Asimov. They were both lovers of limericks and have written some of the best ones I’ve ever seen. I posted samples of Asimov’s limericks a few weeks ago and today I thought I’d list a few of Mr. Ciardi’s. I know you’ll enjoy them because he takes a lot of time to craft them properly. Here we go . . .
There was a young lady who wouldn’t.
Her mother had told her she shouldn’t.
When dear mama died
She felt free. So, she tried,
but by then she was so old she couldn’t.
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building Raven
There was a young lady named Joā¤
Who always said,” Thank you, but no,”
Which is poised and polite
But never does quite
As well as “Sure, Buster, let’s go.”
ššš
A young do-it-yourselfer once screwed
Two pieces together. If you’d
Like to know what he made,
You must ask Adelaide
And her little sister, Gertrude
š½š½š½
There was an old hooker who blew.
What I mean is, she left town. If you
Understood what I said
To mean she gave head,
Well, I guess there was some of that, too.
I would like to thank Mr. Ciardi for all of his hard work in creating these wonderful limericks. After reading all of his limericks as well as Isaac Asimov’s, it inspires me to begin writing a few of my own again. You can be sure of only one thing, mine will be a little ruder than theirs. Write a few of your own and send them along.
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR
With Christmas now in my rear-view mirror, I can get ready for the coming New Year holiday and celebrations. I won’t be out-and-about myself, but I will have a toast at midnight with my better-half. That being said let me move onto something else that I happen to enjoy, limericks and Isaac Azimov.
I have always been a huge fan of Isaac Asimov. I’ve been reading his novels and articles for most of my adult life. Fortunately for me most of them are science fiction which is my absolute favorite material to read. Asimov was one of the most prolific writers in history. If I recall correctly, he wrote more than 200 novels and thousands upon thousands of novelettes, short stories, and articles in many areas of study. In short, he was amazing.
It wasn’t until 10 years ago that I discovered that one of his hobbies was writing rude and bawdy limericks. After finding that out, I was determined to obtain some of his limericks. I found a thrift bookstore online and after some searching through their inventory discovered a book published in 1978 that contained dozens and dozens of limericks by Azimov and his friend John Ciardi. The book is split into two sections, limericks by Asimov, and the other half are limericks by John Ciardi. It’s a battle of the limerick monsters and makes for some really enjoyable and hilarious reading. I’ll offer up for your entertainment today four of Asimov’s more sexy limericks. I hope you enjoy them because I sure did.
ššš
Sex need not be at all conversational,
Without talking, it’s still inspirational.
But mind you’re not burned
For many have learned
The act can be baby-creational
ššš
Said the husband, with smiling urbanity,
I possess penile super humanity.”
Said his wife,” But the score
Of his inches is four.
The rest of it’s just his insanity.”
ššš
There was a young woman named Cora Lee
Who said,” I will do it immorally
On top and on bottom,
Any way that I’ve got’em,
Vaginally, anally, orally.”
ā¤ā¤ā¤
There once was an eager young nurse
Who felt that she had to rehearse
Every sexual joy,
Every hot little ploy,
To succeed in becoming perverse.
What better way to prepare for New Year’s than a few raunchy limericks? There’ll be many more to come in the new year.
2022 IS COMING – HELP! HELP! HELP!
I’m just sitting here looking out the window and it’s raining, it’s humid, and I am bored out of my mind. These days between seasons leave much to be desired. When I get this bored I fall back to something that I enjoy doing. If you don’t know by now that means diving in to my archives for useless bits of semi-interesting trivia items. The 10 I’ve listed below are interesting and a little unusual, my favorite kinds. Maybe by sharing them with you it will take the edge off my boredom before I scream out loud. Enjoy!
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- According to Genesis 1:2022 the chicken came before the egg.
- Chop Suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was crafted in California by Chinese immigrants.
- Chrysler built B-29’s that bombed Japan. Mitsubishi built the zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint plant called Diamond Star.
- Due to gravitational effects, you weigh slightly less when the moon is directly overhead.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- The dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- The goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
There’s your trivia for today. I thought I’d throw in a little something extra for you because who doesn’t love a good limerick? I have in my archives hundreds and hundreds of limericks of all categories. I have family limericks, children’s limericks, animal limericks, sporty limericks, and on and on and on. I even have naughty limericks and a category of limericks that goes three steps beyond naughty but I’ll save those for another time. Here’s one that’s rather tame but I like it.
A surgeon of some imprecision,
Decided on self-circumcision;
A slip of the knife –
“Oh, dear,” said his wife,
“Our sex-life will need some revision.”
Well there’s your limerick for today. I thought I’d stick to the medical profession for this limerick because I know how much they love off-color humor. Mostly the nurses but especially the retired ones.
HAVE A WONDERFUL RAINY AND BORING DAY
In the past I’ve posted lists of things I love and hate. Most of them were done to be humorous or at least tongue-in-cheek. Today I thought it might be nice to list just ten things I really love. I tried to do it seriously without attempts at humor but itās difficult. These are in no particular order except for the first item which if it showed up lower on the list Iād be a dead man.
- My Better-half (Always first or else.)
- My Stupid Cat (He wanted to be #1 . . . Sorry!)
- Peace & Quiet
- My Mental Strength
- Losing myself for hours while creating anything. (Quality Time)
- Sleeping Naked (Best thing since potato chips were invented.)
- A Really Good Margarita (Or a Mojito)
- Growing Anything
- Eating soup
- A really dirty joke or limerick.**
** I need to offer up some samples of this item or I just wouldnāt feel right about things. These limericks and jokes are āRā rated so if youāre offended by that kind of humor stop reading now.
Limerick #1
There was a woman named Lucille
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
Limerick #2
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight ‘un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you’re not in the right ‘un."
Limerick #3
A gay young man from Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
Joke #1
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Joke #2
The scene, a newly wed couple on the first night of their honeymoon just before the passionate lovemaking was to begin. The wife tells her husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How’s that even possible? You’ve been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was…oh, do I ever miss him!"
So much for my lame attempt at a little dirty humor. I just felt the need to be off-color this morning. I wonder why?
ENJOY YOUR DAY
I thought that since today is once again cold and sunny I should dig into my trivia library for some interesting facts rather than going out to brave the weather. I might even find a few that aren’t so interesting but as always you can be the judge of that. These are items primarily related to cemeteries and funerals. I may be forced to throw in a few off-color limericks as well. Let’s get started.
Hereās an entry Iām adding just for my beer drinking better-half.
-
A headstone in a cemetery at Saint Kilda, Victoria, Australia, depicts a hand holding a jug of beer. The headstone was the result of a threat often made by the widow to her thirsty husband.
This item amazes me. I canāt begin to understand the level of dedication this involves.
-
In Nara, Japan, a lantern in the tomb of a Buddhist priest, Kyobo Daishi, in the monastery of Koya San has been burning continuously for 1126 years.
This one I can appreciate somewhat. The woman was truly dedicated to her profession, regardless of the consequences.
-
The epitaph of the late Shirley Pitts of London, England, dubbed the āQueen of Shopliftersā reads, āGone Shoppingā.
Everyone loves a good āLoveā story and hereās a beauty.
-
āHusband: I anxiously awaiting you, 1827.ā āWife: Here I am, 1867 ā Gravestones in a Paris, France cemetery.
Here are two entries concerning two stubborn fools.
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āHere stands old Britt Baileyā ā Epitaph to James Britton Bailey, who was buried standing up because he refused to look up to any man.
-
A tombstone in Weather Hill, New England, reads: āHere lies the body of Samuel Proctor, who lived and died without a doctor.ā
Here are a few rather interesting approaches.
-
A tombstone in a cemetery in Medway, Massachusetts, reads, āBeneath this stone, this lump of clay, lies Uncle Peter Daniels, who too early in the month of May, took off his winter flannels.ā
-
āHere lies the father of twenty-nine, He would have had more but he didnāt have time.ā ā Gravestone in Moultrie, Georgia.
-
A gravestone near Uniontown, Pennsylvania: āHer lies the body of Jonathon Blake, stepped on the gas instead of the brake.ā
-
āOwen Moore Is gone away, Owenā more than he could pay.ā ā Epitaph in Surrey, England.
And finally a proper send off for an attorney.
-
The tombstone of an attorney in Willwood cemetery, Rockford, Illinois: āGoembel, John E. 1867-1946: The defense rests.ā
Now for a couple of art related limericks.
For a sculpture thatās really first class,
You need form, composition, and mass;
To do a good Venus,
Just leave off the penis,
And concentrate more on the ass!
A lascivious lecher, called Fletcher,
Was also a talented sketcher.
Of ladies (quite nude)
He invariably screwed,
But did they enjoy it? You betcha!
I think thatās enough silliness for today. Look for more limericks in the future because I recently stumbled upon quite the collection, most from the British Isles. They have an excellent approach to raunchiness that I really admire.
I’m in a mood this morning. I have yet to decide whether it’s a good mood, a bad mood, or a I-don’t-give-a-damn mood. It depends more on my interactions today with other people than anything else. Normally I look for something funny or at least a little humorous to set me on the right track for the day but Iām actually feeling like taking a trip down the wrong road. This road leads to tasteless, gross, and raunchy humor. Be warned.
I think I’ll throw in a few filthy limericks, a dirty joke or two, some raunchy riddles, and anything else I can think of. Some of these items and photos might even gross you out a little but hopefully not too too much. Over the years Iāve purchased a number of books in old book stores filled with questionable humor and today I intend to share some of their contents with you. So let’s get started.
Riddles
Q. Whatās the difference between frustration and panic?
A. Frustration is the first time you find out you canāt do it the second time, and panic is the second time you find out you canāt do it the first time.
Q. When do you know youāve had the worldās best head?
A. You have to pull the sheets out of your ass!
Q. Whatās the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. A rooster clucks defiance!
Q. Whoās the worldās greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in the masturbation contest!
Jokes
A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a thirty percent pay cut. Later that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat from their household budget. āHoney,ā he said, āif you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.ā āWell, dear,ā she replied, āif you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardener.ā
A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a personās urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and the the family dog. Then he masturbated into it as well. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours later the doctor returned. āYou know,ā he said, āit took me a long time, but I think Iāve finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if youād quit beating off, you wouldnāt have tennis elbow.ā
Limericks
All these small cocks (of which we wonāt dwell)
Looked no bigger encouraged to swell; Iāve endured the tedium
Of others, classed medium,
But at last ā Iāve discovered XL.
Said a President prone to give pecks,
To those areas other than necks:
āAlthough this is sultry,
It is not adultery –
Iām not even sure if itās sex!ā
-dedicated to Bill Clinton
A well-endowed chap with a cock,
Several sizes too big for his jock,
Eventually found
It was far better wound
Round one leg and tucked into his sock!
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that, on earth,
There were only two balls ā and he hadāem.
Well there you have it. What better way to start off your day and the weekend. These were just a rather tame samples of whatās to come (no pun intended). The next time Iāll use the harsher and crazier stuff.
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today Iām having a difficult time concentrating. Iām a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warnerās internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today Iāll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I donāt know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. Itās been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Letās kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and thatās limericks. Iāve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best Iāve ever seen have come from Great Britain because theyāve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. Iāll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and Iāll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Hereās five of my favās.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasnāt a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
āThe customer always comes firstā.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
Sheād have bellowed considerably more.
***
āAnd one from an anonymous kid.ā
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but Iām at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Hereās one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked āWhat the hell is his nameā.
Itās now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. āBetter late than never.ā should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warnerās Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything. This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember. It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me. I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.
You know what that means . . . . more totally useless information. There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not. So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures. Letās get started.
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28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
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On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
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Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
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The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes ā followed by bananas.
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No one knows exactly why a duckās quack doesnāt echo.
I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin. I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins. People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing. Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week. If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds. Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested. Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".
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Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her ā the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
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The snow scenes in the film Itās a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
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As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
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A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
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When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, āNobody knows,ā repeated five hundred times.
It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three. There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.
The derriere Doris displays
In the park never fails to amaze;
She flounces and bounces
Those wonderful ounces,
And old men are ecstatic for days.
* * *
There was a young virgin named Jeanie
Whose dad was an absolute meanie;
When heād fashioned a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini!
* * *
Iād rather have fingers than toes.
Iād rather have ears than a nose.
And, a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
Itās time for you to discover just how much you really know about these United States of ours.Ā While the questions were moderately difficult, they were answerable with a little thought and a basic knowledge of the country (in my opinion).Ā The answers are as follows:
1.Ā Florida and South Dakota.
2.Ā Hilo, on the big Island of Hawaii. It’s at 19Ā° 42 N; Mexico City is at 19Ā° 25 N.
3.Ā Hellās Canyon, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Snake River, which reaches a depth of 7900 feet.
4.Ā I-10, I-80, and I-90.
5.Ā Eight.
6.Ā Hartford, Connecticut; Dover, Delaware; Boston, Massachusetts; and Richmond Virginia.
7.Ā Juneau, Alaska. It covers an area of 3,108 square miles. Rhode Island covers 1214 square miles.
8.Ā New Orleans
9.Ā 13: The entire states of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa and Nebraska; and parts of Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota and Minnesota.
10. Boonesborough.
Lets end last week and begin the new week with a few laughs.Ā As you all know Iām a sucker for limericks.Ā Iāve made a point of collecting as many of them as possible, both funny and filthy.Ā Ā Some Iāll forward along but even for the likes of me the language on some others is a little rough.
I thought today I would send a few your way written by children.Ā I was amazed by their creativity and the complexity of their work.
There was a young girl called Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet,
Sheād sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
Two brothers called Reggie and Fred
Chased a fierce-looking wasp from their bed;
Said Fred: āIt’s gone. How?ā
Said Reg: āDon’t look now . . .
āBut it’s sitting on top of your head!ā
There was an old prophet called Jonah
who said sailing a ship from Ancona;
One day, in a gale,
He was ate by a whale,
and sicked up on the beach in a coma.
A jolly old fellow in red
Set his reindeer on full-speed ahead;
And all in one night,
Much faster than light,
Left presents round everyoneās bed!
There’s a witch in our village called Joyce
Who is cursed with a hideous voice;
But, please, don’t assume
She rides round on a broom,
She’s rich, and she drives a Rolls-Royce!
Theyāre well on their way to becoming the next generation who will eventually write all those dirty little ones I love so much.Ā Donāt you just love tradition?Ā I canāt end this posting until I give you one little off-color limerick to jump-start your day.
There was a young man named McBride,
who could fart anytime that he tried;
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified!
Have a great day!Ā For those of you in Israel, I hope you scored higher than you anticipated. Remember those bonus points IĀ mentioned.
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