I’m on a break right now. Not that you really care but it’s just a break from another project I’m working on. My eyes were strained beyond belief from three hours staring at that project, so I decided to lighten things up with a little humor and jokes from the 1980’s. It seems that the decade of the 80’s easily supplies silliness and nonsense to last me for many years. Let’s get started.
How did you get to see the official bird of New York City. Cut somebody off in traffic.
Is it wrong to have sex before you’re married? Only if it makes you late for the ceremony!
When should you stop masturbating? When the smoke alarm goes off!
Why don’t girls like to drink beer on the beach? Because they get sand in their Schlitz!
What did the one lesbian say to the other lesbian? “Your face or mine!”
What you get when you cross an anteater with a vibrator? And armadildo!
What’s the hardest thing about the sex change from a man to a woman? Inserting the anchovies!
What happens to boys that lie? They get girls!
How do women get minks? The same way that minks get minks!
If you have VD, what do you know for sure? Urine trouble!
This year has been flying by at supersonic speed which is why my mid-year review of my New Years Resolutions is two months late. I only listed five items this year rather than the ten I usually do because I’m old, lazy, and distracted by damn near everything.
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
(Finished 74 so far as per Kindle, so far so good.)
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
(Try as I might, this one may never be accomplished.)
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
(Due to my coffee addicted partner, I’m failing this one miserably.)
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
(Four down and four more to go. I may make it.)
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
(This one was the easiest one since they only curse around me.)
My score so far is 2 NO’s, 2 YES’s, and 1 NO EFFING WAY.
I’ll be doing a final review in January 2025. Now how about a quick little dirty joke to make you smile? It’s a slow day and we always need laughter in our life.
Two women were playing golf when one sliced her shot into a men’s foursome, causing one man to collapse in agony with both of his hands in his crotch. Rushing to his aid, the culprit apologized profusely, explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. “No, it’s OK,” winced the man. “No, I insist,” she said as she undid the zipper of his jeans and began massaging his genitals. “There, does that feel better?” “Yes, it feels great,” said the man. “But my thumb still hurts like hell!!”
How is your memory? Can you remember all of the nursery rhymes from your childhood? Most of them were kind of lame and luckily after a long period of time they’re lost from memory. Today I’ll supply you with three 21st century versions of some of the old rhymes that you can carry around in your memory banks for a decade or two. I actually enjoy these rhymes way more than all of those old and tired ones from my childhood.
Most Americans are raised get an education, get a job, make money, and then make more money. There’s nothing like starting your work life in your early twenties with a huge student loan debt that will take you years to pay off. Money seems to be the driving force in this country and the pursuit of it is all consuming. In reality, it’s the same almost everywhere else as well. I think a lot of that make-money mindset was passed down through the Great Depression generation like my parents who were concerned with little else. It’s not a bad thing to chase money but how you go about is even more important. Make as much money as you can but try just as hard not to harm or destroy others in the process.
Today’s post involves a short history of money.
At the age of 12, Andrew Carnegie worked as a millhand for $1.20 a week. A half-century later, he sold his steel company for nearly $500 million.
Not a single bank existed anywhere in the 13 colonies before the American Revolution. Anyone needing money had to borrow from an individual.
Although he is famous for inventing the cotton gin, in 1793, Eli Whitney made no money from his invention because he did not have a valid patent on it.
Henry Ford shocked his fellow capitalists by more than doubling the daily wage of most of his workers in 1914, 11 years after he had established his first automobile factory. He knew what he was doing. The buying power of his workers was increased, and their raised consumption stimulated buying elsewhere. Ford called it the “wage motive.”
Paul Revere, the American silversmith and patriot, designed paper money for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which issued the money in defiance of English law even before independence was declared. The notes were handsome but soon depreciated. Some of them subsequently were used as wallpaper in barbershops.
When Jacob A. Riis published his classic book How the Other Half Lives, in 1890, the fortunes of about 1% of the US population totaled more than the possessions of the remaining 99%. The pattern hasn’t changed all that much. Today, the fortunes of about 8% of the US population total more than the possessions of the remaining 92%.
We hear all of the economy experts constantly raising fears about rising inflation. Here is why!At the height of inflation in Germany in the early 1920s, one American dollar was the equal of 4.2 trillion German marks.
Are you happy? Living in the 21st century can be confusing at times and utterly ridiculous almost always. I can’t even wrap my head around how people are raising children these days. It’s when my frustration gets to be too much, I revert to other times that were also screwy but not near as strange as right now. The following humor was based entirely on the 1980’s so bear that in mind as you read them. Everything is always about context. Hop on the time travel train for a few minutes and enjoy 1984. Orwell didn’t have a clue.
When should you stop fucking your girlfriend doggie style? When you catch her chasing cars.
What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.
What’s the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss.
What do you find at the bottom of girls’ undies? Clitty litter.
What’s the difference between a fox and a pig? About six beers.
What’s a box spring? An I. U. D.
Why did the stupid girl think there was something wrong with her birth control pills? They kept falling out.
Why was 6 mad at 7? Because 7-8-9
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins? “Tu Yung Tu”, Tu Dum Tu”, and “No Yen Tu.
Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because they would look fucking stupid.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
As you’re probably aware I collect weird and odd trivia. I stumbled upon a book by a Mr. Russ Kick titled “50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know”. It’s a collection of somewhat obscure facts collected by Kick. I’ll list ten of the facts from the book without the accompanying lengthy explanations provided to prove his points. Some facts appear outrageous, but it seems his research was well done. If you want to check his facts, then you’ll need to find and buy the book or do some lengthy research online.
Barbie is based on a German sex doll
Fetuses masturbate
George Washington embezzled government funds
Scientists are re-creating the highly lethal 1918 Spanish Flu virus
Several thousand Americans were held in Nazi concentration camps during WW2
Well over 300,000 tons of chemical weapons have been dumped into the sea
Men have clitorises
Native Americans were once kept as slaves
James Audubon killed all the birds he painted
The Environmental Protection Agency lied about New York’s air quality after the 9/11 disaster.
I discovered over the years that the older you get the more reminiscing you do and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve always been a believer of worrying about the future not the past and that hasn’t changed a whole lot. I’ll be turning 78 years old in August of this year and I’m amazed. I never thought I’d live this long because of my rough and tumble attitude towards living. As I was reminiscing about my long and somewhat interesting life I wondered, what some of the other people that I read about deal with their aging after the age of 70. I always jokingly told anyone who’d listen that after 70 I would retire, sit on my porch with a drink, and smoke as much weed as I could get my hands on until I passed on. Little did I know that I’d be buying my cannabis at a convenience store in gummy form. One of life’s many miracles. I thought a little reflection on my current lifestyle should be matched against some of our more famous or infamous celebrities.
Age 70
Socrates is condemned to die for corrupting the minds of Athenian youth.
Me: I made dozens of bottles of wine, and then spent a few months drinking them.
Age 71
Nelson Mandela was released from a South African prison, after 20 years of incarceration.
Me: Completed a few graphic paintings of scantily clad buxom young women. Then I drank some more wine and sat and looked at them. And yes, I still do.
Age 72
The Marquis de Sade takes a new, 15-year-old lover.
Me: I looked for a 15-year-old lover but forgot why.
Page 73
Walt Stack completes the Ironman Triathlon in 26 hours, 20 minutes.
Me: I did 1000 steps in one day, and my faithful Fit Bit was so amazed it exploded.
Age 74
Albert Einstein announces his unified field theory (but it didn’t hold up).
Me: Drank more wine, contemplated some of my erotic paintings, and worked hard trying to remember the names of the models.
Age 75
Fanny Garrison Villard founds the Women’s Peace Society.
Me: I founded and celebrated the Maine chapter of the Jack Daniels Fan Club. I also considered making a Hag to their distillery in Tennessee.
Age 76
Charles Foster Kane, of Citizen Kane, whispers his immortal, confounding clue, “Rosebud”.
Me: I decided after rereading Citizen Kane that I needed a lot more Jack Daniels. It’s the only way to defend myself against the boredom of Orson Welles and his writings. Little did he know I once had a fat little gerbil named Orson who never really bored me at all.
Age 77
Grandma Moses takes up painting in a serious manner.
Me: After 16 years of my so-called retirement, I bought a lot more weed and a case of a really good Chardonnay in preparation for the start of our three grandson’s 2024 Little League debuts.
When I started this blog many years ago it took me a while to come up with a proper name. Once the decision was made to call it “every useless thing” I was hooked into providing as many weird and unusual facts as I could find. I’ve created a rather large library of totally useless information and it’s my pride and joy. If I’ve calculated properly, I have enough facts and trivia to continue this blog for 10 more years and never repeat the same item twice. I get to find them and post them, and unfortunately you get to read them. Here we go . . .
Reese Witherspoon has two pet donkeys.
Keanu Reeves was born in Lebanon.
The iconic mask used in the 1978 horror film Halloween was a plastic Captain Kirk mask from Star Trek, spray-painted white and with its eyeholes enlarged.
The S. S. Minnow of Gilligan’s Island fame was named after former chairman of the FCC, Newton Minnow, who considered television to be a “vast wasteland.
The maiden name of Betty rubble from the Flintstones show was Betty Jean McBricker.
To complete the pair, the maiden name of Wilma Flintstone was Wilma Slaghoopel.
In the United States, the last year that somebody officially died of “old age” was 1951 That’s the last year “old age” was listed on death certificates. It’s now referred to as death by “natural causes.”
Robert Williams is the first known person to be killed by a robot. He worked at a Ford automobile factory and was struck in the head by a robot in 1979.
Amalie Auguste Melitta Benz was the un-famous inventor of the coffee filter.
The first mechanically sliced loaf of bread was sold under the famous Wonder Bread brand in 1930.
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
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