Archive for the ‘women’ Tag
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I love posting interesting information and when possible, I back up those facts with quotes from a variety of people with incredible life stories. I’ve noticed over the years that the great majority of published interesting quotes are primarily made by men. I also discovered quite by accident a small paperback book published in 2000 called Womens Wit and Wisdom. I haven’t been as surprised and pleased as I was as I began reading that book. I’ll share with you a number of quotes from well-known women which are both incredible and hilarious. This book contains quite a diverse group of quotes covering any number of topics from politics, humor, to life lessons. This little book will be placed in a position of honor in my unusual collection of writings.
- “My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation.” Helen Keller
- “The loneliest woman in the world is a woman without a close woman friend.” Toni Morrison
- “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once your aboard there’s nothing you can do.” Golda Meir
- “I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing the column. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck
👩🏻🦰👩🏻👱🏻♀️
- “The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.” Ann Landers
- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt
- “I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.” Totie Fields
- “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” Indira Gandhi
- “Please know that I am aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart
👩🏻🦰👩🏻👱🏻♀️
HEAR THEM ROAR
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
- What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
- Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
- What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
- Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
- Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
- What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
- What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
- How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
- What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
HEAR THEM ROAR !
A few months back I was sent an e-mail by a longtime friend who just happens to be female. She’s been reading this blog for a very long time and felt it necessary to tell me that she thought I was blatantly ignoring women’s issues. I vociferously disagreed but to no avail as usual. As always, arguing with a female no matter what the subject remains a fruitless endeavor. So, in response to her questionable claims I’m publishing the following. As it’s always been said “be careful what you wish for, you might just get it”. Here we go . . . .
ODE TO BREASTS
(o)(o) Perfect Breasts
( + )( + ) Fake Silicon Breasts
(*)(*) High Nipple Breasts
(@)(@) Big Nipple Breasts
oo A-Cups
{ O }{ O } D-Cups
(oYo) Wonder Bra Breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold Breasts
(O)(o) Lopsided Breasts
(Q)(Q) Pierced Breasts
(p)(p) Hanging Tassel Breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma Breasts
( – )( – ) Flat Against the Shower Door Breasts
IoIIoI Android Breasts
( $ )( $ ) Jenny McCarthy Breasts
( o )( o ) Stripper Breasts
x x Flat Chested Breasts
And God created woman and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman,” Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied,” Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,” What can be done with this useless boob?”. . . .
AND THEN GOD CREATED MAN
On most days I try terribly hard to keep this blog as PG as possible. However I’m occasionally forced to break that rule when I receive information like this. Be warned, I’ll be skimming the surface of an R rating today. If you’re naive, innocent, or virginal you might skip this posting altogether. I wouldn’t want to corrupt any of you or your children.
I’ve known a few women over the years who are impossible to forget. I’ve had gay female friends, prudish female friends, promiscuous female friends, and even cute and naive female friends. This posting concerns one young lady who is memorable because of her overriding obsession with oral sex. We dated for a time but I couldn’t keep up with her no matter how hard I tried (no pun intended). We went our separate ways until she sent me an e-mail recently with these rules attached. You’ve got to remember I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 26 years but it’s somehow comforting to know somethings never change. Here are her 12 rules.
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule number 1 – if you get one, be grateful.
3. No, I DON’T have to swallow.
4. My ears are NOT handles.
5. Having my period does not mean that it’s “HUMMER WEEK”. Get it through your head . . . I’m bloated and I feel like crap so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to service you just because we can’t have sex right now.
6. “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls; If you’re that desperate, go “rub one out” and leave me alone with my Midol.
7. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after we’re done is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior repeated any time in the future.
8. If you like how I do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I’m good at it.
9. No, I don’t care about the protein content.
10. No, I will not do it while you watch TV.
11. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get serviced often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or to brag.
12. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up doesn’t mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.
I really hope this was sent to me as a tongue-in-cheek bit of humor but even now it’s hard for me to tell with this lady. It brought a smile to my face and made me laugh out loud which is always a great way to start my day. She was never too shy back in the day and it appears she hasn’t changed a lick (no pun intended).
Smile and have a great day.
I haven’ t posted anything since the start of the year and I’m feeling a little guilty. Having a blog is like having an ungratful child. It’s a lot of work for which I receive virtually no gratitude. I especially miss the less than friendly emails received from my more liberal readers. My life has been empty without their caustic comments and endless political preaching. I’ve relegated them to a dustly shelf in my mancave where everything that bores me is stored.
Enough of that . . . On to other matters concerning my newest and least satisfying addiction. I’ve known for sometime that I have an addictive personality. As a very young man I had a tremendous taste for beer. It got me into some trouble in my teens and I had to finally let it go. No more of that nasty brew. Then in my twenties I turned my attention to cigarettes and the occasion toke of giggle weed. Both of which hung on until my thirites when I saw the light and quit smoking everything. No more happiness weed and no more cigarettes. I got healthy, hit the gym, and finally (according to my mother) turned myself into a beautiful and productive person.
As the years rolled along I ended my addiction to marriage and lived a rather raucous and crazy few years filled with wine women and song. Yes I’d finally discovered a taste for wine and women but no matter what I did I couldn’t carry a tune. As is usual the combination of wine and women got me into considerable trouble as well. I finally met, fell in love, and settled down with the love-of-my-life, stopped drinking wine and turned instead to brandy.
The next to go was the damn brandy. While I enjoyed the brandy drinking experience it was rather boring and I had to stop. I hate spending that kind of money on alcohol that tastes great but I get no glow. No glow means you got to go and it did. So currently I’ve reduced my addictions to just three. My woman is here to stay, thats #1, and thank god for a continuous supply of Jack Daniels (thats #2). I’ve limited myself to just two or three Jack & Pepsi’s a week (and maybe a few more if we have visitors). Things seem to be working out perfectly almost . . .
My last remaining addiction is without a doubt the worst. I’ve rid myself of a major television addiction 2 years ago when I could no longer stand watching 10 minutes of commercials every half hour. I told Dish Network to cancel my account and signed up immediately with Netflix and Amazon for streaming service. Unfortuneately streaming is a double-edged sword. Being generous I estimate that both streaming services are 80% crap and only 20% of their movies are worth watching unless you want to pay a fee. My newest and worst addiction is to this endless supply of terrible, crappy, and ridiculous movies.
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME
I’m in dire need of some sort of 12 step program to get me away from this TV. My greatest fear these days is that my better-half will find me alone in the dark, slumped over in my favorite chair, clutching the remote. Dead from dehydration, boredom, and felony eye-slaughter.
I think it’s time for more trivia. I’m actually getting tired of talking about gardens and gardening. I need a break and I’m sure you do as well. They’ll be a lot more of that information coming your way this summer so there’s no need for more today.
These factoids will cover a number of categories but I’m sure you’ll find as interesting as I did. Let’s get started.
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Half of British women own more than thirty pairs of shoes.
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In the US, half of children ages 4-6 have played video games, and a 25% say thy do so regularly.
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The most expensive age of your life is thirty-four.
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Ten percent of people are left-handed and twenty percent are left-footed.
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In the US, the lifetime cost to parents for rearing one middle class child is $1.43 million.
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In any conversation lasting ten minutes or longer, 20% of adults will lie.
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There are a half million semiautomatic machine guns in Swiss homes.
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Women are estimated to buy 80% of everything that is sold.
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By late 2006, only 35% of Americans had sent a text message, compared to almost 100% of Brits.
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Women in almost every culture speak in deeper voices than Japanese women. American women’s voices are lower than Japanese, Swedish women’s lower than American, and Dutch women women’s lower than Swedish.
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One third of all houses in Ireland were built in the last two decades.
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The average American two-car garage is 25% bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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In 2007 YouTube consumed as much bandwidth as the entire Internet did in 2000.
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Spammers typically need to send one million emails to get just fifteen positive responses.
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The total computing power of NASA at the time of the Sputnik launch in 1957 was far less than that available in a typical smart phone in use today.
I guess that will do it for today. I never stop searching for this kind of off-the-wall information and you can be sure more facts will keep coming your way on a regular basis in the future.
GET OUTSIDE AND ENJOY YOUR DAY
Every guy loves ogling beautiful women and that includes me. It’s been that way forever and I don’t see it changing any time soon. Woman claim to dislike being stared at but do they really mean it? Victoria Secret’s success has made that claim a little less believable. I’ve had them try to tell me that they wear makeup, revealing clothing, and expensive hair styling just to look good for other women. Do you buy that? Not a chance. They want to be stared at, whistled at, and ogled just as much as the men enjoy doing it. It’s that famous “dance” that the sexes do in a age old mating ritual. If you look good then your choice of mates increases exponentially.
I must say that it’s a fine line for a woman to walk. If you get too revealing you look like a slut. Most guys looking for a serious relationship wouldn’t be drawn to the slutty woman but also wouldn’t hesitate making the occasional booty call to one after a night of drinking and increasing horniness. What most women don’t seem to get is the desire by many men for an attractive, well behaved, and friendly woman who sheds those attributes upon entering the bedroom and turns into a sex crazed slut. I know it isn’t rally fair to all of you women but unfortunately it remains true.
There’s a rule of thumb you’ve probably heard, KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid”. Over the years I’ve developed five simple and easy rules for women to help them have a modicum of success in attracting a possible long term mate.
Rule 1 – Look good but not too good. Just slutty enough to make his mouth water and to keep his fantasies percolating.
Rule 2 – Be flirty but not too dirty or off color. Just a hint of the “bad girl” is usually enough to drive most men over the edge.
Rule 3 – Drink enough but don’t get sloppy drunk. No one wants to have the woman they’re hoping to have sex with throwing up on them. Don’t laugh, it’s happened to me.
Rule 4 – Lay off that constant stream of foul language except in the bedroom. Be coy at first and then turn into that bedroom slut he’s been hoping and searching and wishing for.
Rule 5 – You may be more sexually experienced than he is but don’t show off. Save some of your better moves for later when he’ll thinks he’s the reason you’ve decided to do them.
I’ve always been partial to women who look good but not too good. I love a woman who wears her hair long because I find long hair very sexy. It’s an old Victorian fantasy of mine where you spend a great deal of time peeling off layers of clothing and after all that work she lets down her hair down and you’re good to go. Gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
“With the narrower silhouette, emphasis was placed on the bust, waist and hips. A corset was used to help mold the body to the desired shape.
“Skirts were supported by a hybrid of the bustle and crinoline or hooped petticoat sometimes called a “crinolette”. The crinolette itself was quickly superseded by the true bustle, which was sufficient for supporting the drapery and train at the back of the skirt.”
“The Victorian Version of the J-LO look.”
Well back to topic. I’ve had dealings with a few women in my life and they’ve fallen into any number of different categories. Beautiful, fugly, and all points in between. Each one was a totally different experience, some good and some really effing bad. They can try and deny their innate desire to attract men but down deep in their hearts they know its the truth. They want a good man in a good relationship with kids, a dog, and the white picket fence. After all of that they also want to be the biggest slut they can be in the bedroom and have a man who’ll appreciate it.
SURPRISE LADIES . . . THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TOO
I’ve been racking my brain for the last few days trying to come up with some ideas for my least favorite holiday that’s approaching. Everyone on the planet knows it’s a made-up holiday supported primarily by greeting card companies but it doesn’t change the fact that we men are required to do the proper thing regardless for Valentine’s Day. The proper thing being candy, flowers, and an emotional and over the top “love” card. If you really want to get lucky it also may require an expensive dinner and a crazy night on the town. It’s kind of like Christmas. You get one big gift that’s meant to last the whole year.
I really don’t mean to sound like a man but unfortunately that’s what I am. I decided to do a little net surfing in an attempt to identify those things that men want from women in a relationship and vice versa. It seems that everyone is an expert on this subject and in order for me to be thorough I would’ve been forced to read through hundreds of websites. My laziness resulted in these two lists with 10 items each listing the primary “wants” from both genders. This first list is what men are looking for in the women they date in the hopes of finding their soulmate.
What Men Want in Women
Physical Intimacy
Confident
Attractiveness
Love
Security
Trust
Sense of Humor
Supportive
As you can see there are no surprises in that list. This next list is things wanted by women in their men to qualify them for “soulmate” status.
What Women Want in Men
Love
Sense of Humor
Confident
Respectful
Sexual Passion
Trustworthy
Chivalrous
Attractive
Ambitious
Imaginative
Again no real surprises at all. Some minor differences but nothing too shocking. Let me make a statement that in my humble opinion will sum up the main wants and needs of both sexes in one simple sentence.
“I want an attractive, confident, trustworthy, and sexy person.”
For me that says it all. Those characteristics were common to both lists and I suspect haven’t changed much since the first man met the first women. Thousands of years, millions of people, trillions of dollars, and I figured it all out in an hour. So if you have all of these qualities you should be in demand as a single person and a major catch for marriage seekers. If you think that that sentence describes you and you aren’t in demand it can only mean one thing. I got it all wrong. If I’m wrong then I’d advise you to get your ass in gear and buy some candy, some flowers, a mushy card, a fancy dinner, and then pray for the sex your hoping to get on Valentine’s Day night.
For a few extra thrills throw in some jewelry. Also I find it a little interesting that Valentine’s Day is represented by the initials VD. I don’t think it means anything, I’m just saying.
I discovered the following list while roaming around the Net yesterday. I’m known for being sarcastic at times especially when writing about our female counterparts who tend to bring out the devil in me. The “Battle of the Sexes” is something I take very seriously and I feel that it’s my job to defend my gender. I think it’s only fair to make sure that women don’t get an unfair upper-hand in the amount of sarcastic BS they circulate about men. I promise to do my very best to keep us men on an even keel with them.
For some reason sarcasm irritates the hell out of many women except for when they’re spewing it themselves. This list of “Reasons It’s Good to Be a Women”" appear to have been written by a sarcastic and mean-spirited female sexist. Since she seems to have gone over the edge with her comments I thought I should respond in kind. I’m not saying she’s a man hater but it’s certainly someone who must has been dumped recently or has a string of failed relationships that fueled her anger and sarcasm. I hope you enjoy this item-by-item comparison written by a somewhat sarcastic man who definitely has had a few failed relationships along the way. Enjoy.
“Reasons It’s Good to be a Woman”
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We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
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Taxis stop for us.
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We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
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No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
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We don’t have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
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If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
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We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
8. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
9. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
10. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren’t listening anyway.
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Am I right? Does she sound just a little bitter? No doubt in my mind she has issues she’s not dealing with all that well. I think it’s time for my contribution to this discussion in a much more rational and male manner. I’ll address her points one-by-one.
“Reasons Why It’s Better to Be a Man”
1. We don’t get and complain about gynecological disorders but if we had to listen to our women explain them, then we’d probably jump off the Titanic voluntarily.
2. We have vehicles and require no taxis.
3. We don’t need to dance to display the goods. Here they are.
4. We may wear the occasional Speedo at the beach but we never go to Walmart in a dirty pink sweat suit with Hot & Juicy printed across the ass.
5. We pass gas which eases our pain and keeps us from becoming as mean and disagreeable than our gas-pained female friends and lovers.
6. We love to shave, it makes us clean and neat, not hairy and scary like some of the girls.
7. We have the maturity and passion to show our male friends the “Thrill of Victory” and the “Agony of Defeat” without worrying about what our homophobic female friends think.
8. We don’t reach down to touch ourselves to make sure our junk is still there. We do that for those females with a short attention span so they won’t forget where the goods really are.
9. We dress ourselves in a simple manner because if it’s too complicated our poor female lovers can’t figure a way to remove our clothing.
10. We talk to the opposite sex because we have the unique ability to accurately picture them naked.
11. We won’t marry someone 20 years older than us because that would make us look like an idiot.
12. We will never regret much of anything, EVER.
13. We carry a supply of chocolates with us at all times to entice the welcoming chocoholic females into a gooey, chocolate, and messy sex romp.
14. We can say almost anything we want in the presence of women because they’re too busy yakking it up with each other to hear what we have to say.
15th and Most Important: WE HAVE CUSTODY OF THE PENIS. With that in our favor we really own most women except for the occasion Lesbian. But even they find it necessary at times to make detailed replicas of the penis for their amusement and the amusement of their partners.
MEN RULE
(Sarcasm Off)
For most of my life I’ve had older people telling me things that I had a hard time believing. Growing up in western Pennsylvania put me in contact with many people with their genealogical roots in eastern Europe. I wasn’t more than seven or eight when a elderly neighbor lady who spoke broken English told me to wear cloves of garlic around my neck to ward off evil spirits. It wasn’t until many years later that I discovered she was an immigrant from Romania where they have a history of evil beings and Vlad the Impaler.
Old wives tales are present in every society it seems and have been passed down through the generations as being the gospel truth. When I lived in Korea I found out the best way to insure a safe pregnancy was to hang a strand of charcoal pieces over the doorway to your home. I thought it was nonsense but after a group of elderly Korean ladies threatened me with bodily harm, I just smiled and got out of their way. They put the charcoal in place and there was once again peace in the valley.
Here’s an interesting collection of “Old Wives Tales” for you women out there. I can’t verify that they’re true or that they actually work but I can guarantee that somewhere out there are a few Old Wives who believe it.
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If you happen to step on a man’s toes, whether dancing or in a crowd, it is the man you’ll marry. So the next time you step on a man’s toes, take a real good look at him, you just might be looking The One.
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Eve didn’t have any choice as to who she gave the apple to. But before you give your apple away, try this. Cut it in half and put all the seeds in a pan on the stove. Name each seed after a man you know. Then quickly heat the pan. The first seed to pop will reveal the name of the man for you.
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A woman who puts on a bridal veil and holds orange blossoms on any occasion, but not her own wedding, will never marry.
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If you are young woman make a pie. While trimming the pie crust, if it falls over your hand, that is a sign you will marry young.
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If a woman braids her hair and leaves out a strand, it is a sign she will marry within the year.
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If there are many men in your life and you wonder which one you’ll marry, take 12 slips of paper and write on each slip the name of one of the men. Place the 12 slips into an envelope and sleep with it under your pillow. Each morning draw one slip from the envelope at random. Rip it up and toss it away. The last slip of paper in the envelope is the name of the man you will marry.
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If you have a man in your life and you want him to remain interested in you and to pop the big question, never let him carry your comb in his pocket.
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A woman who makes a good looking bed will have a good looking husband. And a woman who has an unkempt bed will have someone else’s husband.
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If you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, but want to see his face, follow these steps. Find a well. Make sure it’s not covered so that you can actually look down into it and see the water. On the night of the full moon, toss a penny into the well. The face you see at the bottom of the well is the man you’ll marry.
Unfortunately ladies most of you will one day be an Old Wife. I’m supplying you with these tales so you’ll have something to pass along to your daughters. It’s your motherly responsibility to keep this tradition alive. Every generation has the right to hear this nonsense and then to pass it along to their daughters. It keeps life interesting.
everyuselessthing.com 