A few weeks ago, I promised you limerick lovers some really bawdy and rude limericks. I have quite a collection of those, but I hesitate to post them because it would be really bad if any children were to read them. I recently bought a book from an online thrift store which contains 1001 of the rudest limericks I’ve ever seen. I’m still considering whether to post any of them or at least try to find a few that are a little less objectionable.
Just to give you some idea what I’m talking about I thought I would regale you with an erotic poem written by the author of the book, Mr. Ronald Stanza. This little ditty was copied directly from the rear page of his book cover. Good luck.
❤️
Here now is a steamy collection
Of limericks rare. Each selection
Will run for five lines,
Contain marvelous rhymes –
Detailing sex acts of subtle complexion.
🤤🤤🤤
Though often the rhyming is coarse
And the meter is ragged, or worse.
Positions are randy
The sex is jim-dandy
In this book of libidinous verse.
😋😋😋
Some readers may think that it’s crude
To offer for sale what is lewd
But if you’re offended
By what is appended.
We’ll say what you are: you’re a prude!
😏😏😏
For others the thought of an organ
Of sex is a scream. And it’s sure fun
To peep and to poke
And make sex a joke.
If a fault, it’s delightfully human!
🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
The more I read this little ditty the more I like it. A special thanks goes out to Mr. Ronald Stanza for his fine work. I’ll let you know about the final decision on the week of lewd limericks in a few days, but it isn’t looking good.
I always enjoy looking back at my life and learning things I either never knew or have forgotten. Recently I obtained some literature from the year 1940. That’s a long time ago and I can appreciate that since I was born only six years later. Let’s see what 1940 had to offer its citizens.
Local dime stores were the place to be as a child. Candy and soda pop were the favorites.
Newspaper headline from January: OSKAR SHINDLER BEGINS PROVIDING REFUGE FOR KRAKOW JEWS
Jack Nicklaus was born on January 21st.
Formal dancing, accompanied by the sounds of the big bands of the day, was a great way to conclude a celebrative event.
The Philadelphia Story and Fantasia were the top box office hits. One of Disney’s first animated hits, Pinocchio, was released as a feature-length film.
Tom Brokaw, Ted Koppel, and Fran Tarkington were all born in February.
The use of telephones was in its infancy. Party lines were shared lines and kept everyone in the loop, as those online could quietly listen to any conversations at hand.
Winston Churchill became the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
On May 15, 1940, the first nylon stockings went on sale.
The state of New York hosted the World’s Fair at Flushing Meadows.
On November 7, 1940, the Tacoma Narrows bridge collapsed into the water. The only casualty was a dog sadly left in the car as its owner fled.
FDR was president, the population of the United States was at 132 million, and the average salary for a full-time employee was $1200 a year. The minimum wage was $.30 an hour.
The first McDonald’s restaurant opened on May 15, 1940, in San Bernardino California.
On January 31, 1940, Ida M. Fuller became the first American citizen to receive a Social Security check.
Bread was $.08 a loaf, bacon $.27 a pound, eggs $.33 a dozen, milk $.26 a gallon, coffee $.21 a pound, gasoline $.11 a gallon, a movie ticket was $.24, postage stamps were $ $.03’s, average cars costs $990, and the cost for a single-family home on average was $2938.
With space travel once again becoming fashionable, we can thank the SpaceX corporation. Not only have they been innovative, but they’ve also become a thorn in the side for NASA. It’s good for the country to finally have a competitor for NASA that is quite simply “kicking their butt” and giving the big finger to the Russians as well. I foresee China as eventually becoming the leader in all things space-related unless some catastrophe slows them down a little. Unfortunately, I don’t see them reacting to disasters as we do. They would likely close ranks and keep right on going until their goals are met. Elon Musk will become their only real competitor for a time. With all of that in mind let’s check out a little “Out of This World” trivia.
A 150-pound earthling weighs in at 4200 pounds on the sun’s surface.
A lightning bolt on earth is hotter than the surface of the sun.
On Venus, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west.
Also, on Venus their day is longer than their year. It takes longer for Venus to rotate on its own axis than it does to complete one orbit around the sun.
NASA uses the same rocket technology used by TIE fighters in the Star Wars saga. TIE stands for “Twin Ion Engine” which propelled a deep space probe launched by NASA in 1999.
THE SUN
More than 1000 earths would fit inside Jupiter.
All the other planets in the solar system would also fit inside Jupiter twice.
Gravity is caused by a warping of space and time.
Time has not always existed. According to Einstein’s general theory of relativity, before the Big Bang, everything, including time, was packed together into an extremely tiny dot.
“Ten elite brains” is an anagram of Albert Einstein.
“Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all”
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I’ve come to the conclusion over the last few years after talking to a lot of my former and late friends, that after you’re labelled a Senior Citizen at age 50, you begin to think more about death than before. That’s a pretty depressing thought but in most cases I think it’s true. Today’s posting concerns death from a number of different angles and in my opinion, it makes for an interesting and depressing read.
You are 14% more likely to die on your birthday, compared to any other day of the year.
On average, more than 135,000 people will die on your next birthday and 360,000 will be born.
Wednesday by far is the most popular day to commit suicide.
More people die in New York City from suicide each year than from murder.
San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge is the most popular “suicide bridge” in the United States.
There are approximately 150 people killed each year from being struck on the head by a coconut.
Mosquitoes, human beings, and snakes are the three most deadly animals in the world in that order.
Each year more people are killed by hippopotamuses than by lions, sharks, and elephants combined.
THE BLACK DEATH
The Black Death is history’s most deadly verifiable plague. It swept through Europe and Asia Minor in the 1340’s and 50’s, killing an estimated 25 to 60 percent of Europe’s population.
THE SPANISH FLU
The Spanish Flu was a very virulent strain of influenza that spread through Asia, Europe, and North America in the spring of 1918. Healthy adults were especially hard hit. The global death toll is estimated between 25-100 million.
That should be enough depression for today. The Covid-19 pandemic is frightening but the numbers from the Black Death and Spanish Flu are even scarier. Glad I wasn’t around for either of them.
I love sharing quotations with you and I have more of them than I have limericks. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s true. Most quotations are meant to offer up some sort of truth or to pluck at our sentimental heartstrings. Those are all fine and good but really not the ones I like best. I love celebrity quotes because most of them are humorous, and they help to humanize celebrities that always need a little humanizing. Here are a few I discovered.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” Thomas A. Edison
“Music should strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of woman.” Ludvig von Beethoven
“Middle age is when you’ve met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.” Ogden Nash
“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.” Sir Paul McCartney
“I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” Fran Leibowitz
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.” Mark Twain
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
LET’S HOPE THEY NEVER STOP REGALING US WITH THEIR WISDOM
A few months ago, while I was surfing on eBay, I purchased a number of books on a whim. In one of those books, I discovered it was a library book from the North Side School Library in Rogers, Arkansas dated 1965. The book contains limericks written by quite a variety of people, some well-known some not so much. They’re funny and cute and dated. I hope they bring a smile to your face as you read them. Here we go . . .
Edward Lear
There was an old man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said, “Does it buzz?”
He replied, “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee.”
😁😁😁
Ogden Nash
There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, only oleaginous mutta.
😛😛😛
Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slept out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
😉😉😉
Rudyard Kipling
There once was a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes I is,
But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
😋😋😋
Carolyn Wells
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning he remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can’t can a can, can he?”
As you can see, some of these people were famous but that was 57 years ago. The limericks were mostly written in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s.
I’m sure some of you know the definition of a malaprop. If not, here it is. A malaprop is the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar sounding one, often with unintentional amusing effect. I really didn’t know the definition or the word myself but while posting yesterday I noticed two entries that amused me. After digging around in my books I discovered the term malaprop and a number of examples I thought you might find interesting and hopefully amusing. Here they are . . .
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The book was so exciting I couldn’t finish it until I put it down.
The difference between a king and a president is that king is the son of his father and a president isn’t.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The Magna Carta provided that no freemen should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. Your head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
He saw three other people in the restaurant, and half of those were waiters.
Now you know what malaprops are. As I read them, I realized that I’ve seen samples of them many times before but never heard anyone use the term. I’m ambivalent about knowing it now and I’m almost sorry I made you aware of it. I may revisit this subject in the future or maybe not.
I thought I’d regale you with more of that useless information I continue to collect. Since everyone seems to be so fascinated by Craigs List ads and personal ads on those numerous dating sights, I thought today would be a good day for me to jump into that end of the pool. Here is a collection of classified ads that are strange, odd, misprinted, and really funny. Would you be the person to respond to ads like this? I’ll bet you would.
“Wanted: Man, to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
“Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
“Wanted: Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to the growth of the family.”
“One man, seven-woman hot tub – $850/Offer.”
“Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.”
Free: One can of pork & beans with the purchase of a three bedroom, two bath home.”
“Full-sized mattress: 20-year warranty, like new, slight urine smell.”
“Nice parachute – never opened – used only once – slightly stained.”
Found: Dirty white dog . . . looks like a rat . . . been out a while . . . better be a reward.”
For sale: An antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.”
It seems to me after reading all of these ads they’re no worse than those approved and published by numerous stupid newspaper editors across the country.
If you’ve read this blog at all your well aware that I love citing quotations. I’m a firm believer that quotes that are remembered and repeated often have some sort of meaning that touches people. Unfortunately, some quotable people offer up quotes that are remembered for their stupidity and ignorance. Today I will cite a few that I’d prefer to forget, and I hope you will as well.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” Mariah Carey
“We went to Atari and said, “Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?” They said, “No.” So, then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, “We don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.” Steve Jobs looking for financial backers for the Mac.
“Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything very much more dangerous.” Sir Winston Churchill
“The Edison Company offered me the general superintendency of the company but only on condition that I would give up my gas engine and devote myself to something really useful.” Henry Ford
“True, I’ve been a long time making up my mind, but now I’m giving you a definite answer. I won’t say yes, and I won’t say no, but I’m giving you a definite maybe.” Samuel Goldwyn
“Rock ‘n Roll is phony and false, and some, written, and played for the most part by cretinous goons.” Frank Sinatra 1957
“I believe that Mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So, is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat? I don’t know.” Playmate Barbie Benton
I think that’s about enough of these stupid quotes but unfortunately during my research I discovered there’s probably many more of these than the one’s worth remembering.
Everyone seems to love old TV shows, old movies, and any and all celebrities. Here’s a collection of film and TV trivia items from the past. Enjoy them if you can. Call an older family member or friend for help if necessary.
The waist size of bus driver Ralph Kramden’s uniform on the hit show, The Honeymooners, was 49 1/4 inches.
Do you remember that the TV characters, Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball, were married on the show at the Byram River Beagle Club in Greenwich, Connecticut?
During his 30-year run as the host of the Tonight Show, Johnny Carson delivered 4531 monologues.
The Clampett family from the Beverly Hillbillies TV show originated from a home in the Ozarks called Hooterville. It also served as the setting for two spinoff series, Petticoat Junction and Green Acres.
Bob Clampett who created the Bugs Bunny cartoon character was inspired when he saw an actor munching a carrot in a movie. That actor was Clark Gable.
Groucho Marx’s real first name was Julius.
The 14th screen Tarzan, former LA Rams linebacker Mike Henry, sued for physical and mental injury following his third and final film when he was bitten by Dinky the Chimp.
Lucille Ball became an official redhead at age 30, after 12 years as a platinum blonde and 18 as a natural brunette.
The 1955 movie, King Kong with Fay Wray, was the first Hollywood film shown on television after the US movie industry ended its ban.
One of our favorite actresses, Farrah Fawcett, had a plumbing fixture named after her. It was a gold plated “Farrah Faucet”.
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