Archive for the ‘Bitch & Complain’ Category
Have you ever gone to the track and bet on a horse? Have you ever tracked the odds on your horse? It always amazed me that someone actually sat in an office somewhere and computed those odds. No one actually knows what criteria is used or even if they’re accurate but what the hell do I know, I’m not a gambler. Today’s post is going to be more of the same. I found this information quite by accident and I knew immediately that I had to post it. If you think horseracing odds were hard to compute, these are even more ridiculous. You might find them interesting, and I hope you do.
Odds of Dying
While playing a video game: 100,000,000 to 1
By venomous snake bite: 95,000,000 to 1
By an asteroid falling to earth: 75,000,000 to 1
By venomous spider bites: 25,000,00 to 1
By a champagne cork: 22 million to 1
By lightning: 10,000,000 to 1
By a bee or wasp sting: 5,000,000 to 1
By falling down stairs: 157,000 to 1
By choking: 100,000 to 1
By heart disease: 467 to 1
😵😵😵
ROLL THEM DICE
I can tell that today is not going to be a fun day. First of all, this is a “change of season” month, and I find from years of experience that “change of season” months usually suck. The clouds are gray, the sky is gray, the garden plants are all dead, all the “cool” birds have headed south for the winter, and I’m hip deep in effing leaves. Here’s my good survival tip for living in Maine. You must always and I do mean always have an electric blanket somewhere nearby for heat emergencies at this time of the year. Last night I earned a “7” out of ten on my electric blanket. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. not for my normal bathroom visit but because my teeth were chattering so loud, I was waking up the cat. I’m just not ready for this crap weather and the coming winter. Maybe it’s just old age creeping up on me which tends to be happening more and more these days.
As the years go by, I’ve given a lot of thought to my final days, and I’ve discovered that only two things really matter at that point. If you want to leave some sort of legacy all you need to do is leave two things: a self-written epithet for your headstone or (for you urn people) a really cool quote for your final words. Today’s post is a list of the final words of a few well-known people. Some are profound and some are not, you be the judge.
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946) stated to his nurse: “Go away. I’m all right.”
- Brigham Young (1801-77) stated “Amen”.
- George Washington (1732-99) stated to his doctor, “Doctor, I die hard, but I’m not afraid to go.”
- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) “Please put out the light.”
- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) “Drink to me.”
- Elizabeth I (1533-1603) “All my possessions for a moment of time.”
So how would you all like to have a homework assignment. If you’re so inclined, send me your epitaph and last words and hopefully by then I’ll have mine done and will I’ll post them.
(MINE REMAIN A WORK IN PROGRESS)
I’ve spent a great deal of my life dealing with the more unsavory side of the human race. Unfortunately, it’s taken a toll on me and seriously bruised the faith I once held for human tolerances. Doing historical research has its ugly side and I’ll share some of that with you today. Hopefully at some point in the future things will improve but I’m certain anyone reading this post today will never live to see it.
- Adolf Hitler kept a framed photograph of Henry Ford on his desk and Ford had one of Hitler on his desk in Dearborn Michigan. Hitler had used in his book Mein Kampf some of Ford’s anti-Semitic views, and he always welcomed Ford’s substantial contributions to the Nazi movement.
- From the beginning Puritan colonists engaged in the slave trade, first selling captive Indians to the West Indies and then bringing in Negroes from Africa. Cotton Mather, pastor of Boston’s North Church, owned both Indian and Negro slaves. In 1641, Samuel Maverick proposed the breeding of Negro slaves on Noodles Island, which is now East Boston.
- It has been estimated that the Spaniards killed off 1.5 million Indians within a few years after Columbus discovered the New World.
- Human beings have been exterminating animals at the average rate of one species a year for the last two centuries. That rate appears to be on the increase, despite the rising of ecological awareness that began in the 1960s.
- 40 million Americans are murdered, maimed, raped, mugged, or robbed every year.
- Pope Innocence VIII (142-1492) received a gift of 100 Moorish slaves, who he distributed as a gratuity to Cardinals and friends.
- Not all the bad guys in Harriet Beecher Stowe’s mild abolitionist tract about U.S. slavery, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, are Southerners. The villains, in fact, are Northern renegades. Simon Legree, the wicked slave driver, was from Vermont.
- Here in the “civilized West” a human being has been killed by others every 20 seconds for the last half-century, either legally or illegally. This is three times the rate of the century preceding these 50 years.
- The English promised land in the colony of Nova Scotia to former slaves to join their side during the American Revolution. When the promise was broken, a former slave, Thomas Peters, who had been a sergeant in the British Army, sailed to England and won a concession of land in Sierra Leone in West Africa, for his fellow blacks landless in Nova Scotia.
NUFF SAID
Since we’re now in the first weekend in October and the Summer is over, everyone is feeling a little down. Here’s my attempt to make all of you smile just a bit. The old saying, “laughter is the best medicine”, remains true to this day. So, here’s some humor. It costs nothing to smile.
- Two identical twin brothers died at around the same time. One was happily married, did charitable works and generally lead a blameless life; the other was a drunken womanizer, a serial liar and a cheat. The bad twin went to hell and the good went to heaven, from where he was able to look down on his bad brother. The good twin was dismayed that hell was not as bad as he had hoped. Indeed, his brother seem to be having the time of his life, drinking, partying and enjoying the company of beautiful women. Eventually the good twin complained to St. Peter: “Heaven is very nice and peaceful, but my brother appears to be having plenty of fun in hell. He has his own beer keg and just look at that gorgeous woman he’s been given. St. Peter said: “Fear not, my son. All is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it; the woman doesn’t.”
- A man walked into his doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, I have five penises.” “I see,” said the doctor. “How do your trousers fit”? “Like a glove.”
- For his birthday a little boy asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His dad said, “We’d let you have one, but the mortgage on this house is $140,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford It.” The next morning the father saw the boy heading out of the front door carrying a suitcase. “Where are you going?” he asked. The boy answered: “I was walking past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with $140,000 mortgage and no bike”!
- A man and woman were having sex in a very dark forest. After fifteen minutes of fumbling around the man said: “Man, I wish I had a flashlight.” The girl said: “So do I you ass. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
- A man looked out his window late one night and saw a gang of thieves breaking into his garden shed. He called the police immediately, but the station sergeant said there was no one available to respond. “OK”, said the homeowner, and he put the phone down. Five minutes later, he telephoned the station again “Don’t worry about sending anyone out to deal with the shed burglars at 53 Larch Avenue., I just shot them”. Within two minutes the road was swarming with police cars. The officers caught the burglars red-handed, but the sergeant was furious. He said to the homeowner, “I thought you said you shot them!” The homeowner immediately countered: “I thought you said there was nobody available.”
KEEP SMILING – THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING
It seems that every time I do a post concerning the 1980’s, you folks respond immediately and request more 80’s nonsense. So, here’s what I’m going to do today. I’m going to give you a 10-question test of trivia from the 80’s. I’m posting the answers as well so be as honest as you can with your scoring. There is a strict Honor System here at E.U.T. Good Luck!!
- What kind of smile is mentioned in Duran Duran’s 1982 hit song “Rio”? Cherry Ice Cream.
- Whose ninth inning, pinch-hit, two-run homer won Game 1 of the 1988 World Series for the Dodgers? Kirk Gibson
- How many American hostages were released from Iran on January 20, 1981, just as Ronald Reagan was inaugurated? 52 Days
- What was the first number one hit song of the 1980’s? Please Don’t Go by K. C. and the Sunshine Band
- What was the title of Jim Varney’s first Ernest movie, in 1987? Ernest Goes to Camp
- For what did Bruce McCandless gain fame in the 1980’s? The first untethered spacewalk on the Challenger shuttle.
- What did you buy from MCI in the 1980s? Long-distance Phone Service
- What school won the most NCAA Division I football championships in the 1980s? Miami of Florida, 1983, 1987, and 1989
- How did Sally Ride earn fame in the 1980s? The First American Woman in Space
- What nation started a brief war with England by invading the Falkland Islands in April 1982? Argentina
MY FINAL SCORE WAS 5.
Ask any foreigner visiting the United States as to our language with its many and varied slang words. It has to be impossible to understand for most of them because truthfully, it’s pretty hard to understand even if you were born and raised here. I’ve noticed in recent weeks while reviewing some British Tick-Tock participants who apparently are as confused about some of our language as I am. For years I’ve collected a huge list of clichés because they intrigue me. Some of them are cute but if you’re not an American you’ll have one helluva time trying to figure them out. Today I’ll share with you a few samples that you’ve heard but probably never knew where they originated. See would just think . . .
SLEEP TIGHT
This term is nothing more than a way of saying “good night and sleep well”. The phrase dates back to when beds were made of rope and straw. It is a shortened form of the expression, sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Before going to sleep at night, people would have to pull the ropes tight in order to have a firm bed to sleep on as the ropes would’ve loosened during the course of the previous night’s sleep. (I’ve actually slept on a rope bed and it’s like a sort of punishment or torture.)
SNUG AS A BUG IN A RUG
This expression dates from the 18th century, although a “snug” is a 16th century word for a parlor in an inn. The phrase is credited to Benjamin Franklin, who wrote it in 1772 as an epitaph for a pet squirrel that had belonged to Georgiana Shipley, the daughter of his friend the Bishop of St. Asaph. Franklin’s wife had sent the gray squirrel as a gift from Philadelphia, and they named him Skugg, a common nickname for squirrels at that time. Tragically, he escaped from Its cage and was killed by a dog. Franklin then wrote this little ditty:
Here Skugg
Lies snug
As a bug
In a rug.
KISS OF DEATH
This phrase derives from Judas Iscariot’s kiss given to Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane before he betrayed him (Luke 23:48 and Matthew 26:49). It’s also known as a “Judas Kiss,” meaning an insincere act of courtesy or false affection. In Mafia circles, a kiss from the boss may indeed be a fatal omen. The phrase is often used today in political or business contexts, meaning that certain associations or actions may prove to be the undoing of a person or organization, or the downfall of a plan or project. (I always thought it referred to several of my former ex-girlfriends.)
CATCH FORTY WINKS
A colloquial term for a short nap or a doze. Just why shutting one’s eye 40 times has come to mean a quick snooze is unclear, but it could have something to do with the fact that the number 40 appears frequently in the Scriptures and was thought to be a holy number. Moses was on the Mount for 40 days and 40 nights; Elijah was fed by ravens for 40 days; the rain of the Flood fell for 40 days, and another 40 days passed before Noah opened the windows of the ark. Christ fasted for 40 days, and he was seen 40 days after his Resurrection. As an aside: A “40” is a bottle containing 40 fluid ounces of malt liquor beer. Street gang members will drink 40’s and will sometimes pour out a little of the beer onto the ground for their dead homies. (Not so holy anymore.)
PUT A SOCK IN IT
This is a plea to be quiet, to shut up, to make less noise. It comes from the end of the 19th and the beginning of the 20th centuries, when the early gramophones, or phonographs, had large horns through which the sound was amplified. These mechanical contraptions had no volume controls, and so a convenient method of reducing the volume was to stuff a woolen sock inside the horn.
I LOVE WORDS!
With my better half’s spending a week with her grandson in California, I thought I’d enjoy this gray and rainy Maine day by supplying all of you with interesting, weird, freaky, and odd tidbits of facts and trivia. So, todays post (part 1) and Tuesdays post (part 2) should be interesting and just a bit weird.
- On April 21, 1997, a rocket containing the cremated remains of 24 people was launched into space. Among the remains were those of Gene Roddenberry, Star Trek series creator. The rocket was launched by Celestis, a company formed in 1996 for the expressed purpose of launching ashes into space.
- A tourist visiting San Francisco in 1964 was involved in a minor cable car accident. As a result, she sued the city of San Francisco, claiming that the incident had turned her into a nymphomaniac. She won the case and received an award of $50,000. (Only in San Francisco)
- The extreme dread of thunder is called brontophobia. For brontophobes , the boom and crash of thunder has a demonic quality. Often found in people suffering from a psychoneurosis, brontophobia can also be associated with a person, often a person in a position of authority, and the fearsome thunder is their expression of disapproval.
- During World War II a young woman in Germany, Emmie Marie Jones, gave birth to a daughter, despite the fact that she insisted she was a virgin. In 1955, scientists in England did genetic testing and discovered that Emmie and her daughter were genetically identical twins. The only explanation the scientists could offer was that the shock of the bombing caused parthenogenesis, the spontaneous splitting of an unfertilized egg.
- Queen Mary I of England and Ireland (1516-1558) was a Catholic who had Protestants tortured and killed. Her actions inspired the nickname “Bloody Mary”, which in turn later inspired the famous cocktail.
LOOKS LIKE MY HIGH SCHOOL PROM DATE
This year has been flying by at supersonic speed which is why my mid-year review of my New Years Resolutions is two months late. I only listed five items this year rather than the ten I usually do because I’m old, lazy, and distracted by damn near everything.
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
(Finished 74 so far as per Kindle, so far so good.)
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
(Try as I might, this one may never be accomplished.)
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
(Due to my coffee addicted partner, I’m failing this one miserably.)
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
(Four down and four more to go. I may make it.)
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
(This one was the easiest one since they only curse around me.)
My score so far is 2 NO’s, 2 YES’s, and 1 NO EFFING WAY.
I’ll be doing a final review in January 2025. Now how about a quick little dirty joke to make you smile? It’s a slow day and we always need laughter in our life.
Two women were playing golf when one sliced her shot into a men’s foursome, causing one man to collapse in agony with both of his hands in his crotch. Rushing to his aid, the culprit apologized profusely, explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. “No, it’s OK,” winced the man. “No, I insist,” she said as she undid the zipper of his jeans and began massaging his genitals. “There, does that feel better?” “Yes, it feels great,” said the man. “But my thumb still hurts like hell!!”
FORE!
Being a man has certain responsibilities which include a genetic predisposition and fascination with boobs. It must be something genetic because I can honestly say that I’ve never met any heterosexual men or homosexual women who have not been seriously interested in them. Today’s post is of course tongue-in-cheek and meant to be off-the-charts humorous, so here’s a warning for any complainers and bitchers out there . . . save your energy because all derogatory comments will be blocked. This is not a site to voice political agendas of any kind . . . so don’t waste my time and yours with long and uninteresting political tirades. This list has been around a very long time but being a man requires that I once again make it available to my brothers and half-sisters who haven’t seen it before.
If this post offends you then I would recommend you STOP READING IT now.
And good luck finding your sense of humor.
An Ode to Breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma’s breasts
( – )( – ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($) Dolly Parton’s breasts
Joke of the Day
And God created ‘woman’ and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman, “Is there anything you’d like to have changed?” She replied, “Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?” And so, it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, “What can be done with this useless boob?
And then God created man.
💖💖💖
As I sit here this morning looking for inspiration for this post I received a text message from my grandson. He just received from his parents his first real phone and he immediately reached out to me with a typical text from someone his age (11). It consisted of about 60 rows of poop emojis with a short sentence, “My gift to you LOL.” I’m not sure why it is that kids love talking about farting and pooping exclusively but it seems to be something trending online as well these days. Tick-Tock is full of farting individuals blasting away in crowded street scenes. I have to admit it’s incredibly funny and apparently poop humor starts at a very young age. Hoping that the “little shit” (no pun intended) will someday read this post and learn a few more disgusting facts about poop he needs to know.
- People often fart shortly after they die.
- The most germ laden place on your toilet isn’t the seat or even the bowl. It’s the handle.
- The average healthy adult expels between 100 and 200 grams, almost half a pound, of feces every day.
- More than 6.5 million Americans have fecal incontinence – the inability to control the passage of stool – and most of them are women.
- Americans used 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year, which represents at least 15 million trees.
🧻🧻🧻
- Most people produce 1 to 4 pints of gas and pass it approximately 14 times per day.
- The foul odor of flatulence comes from intestinal bacteria as it releases gases that contain sulfur and, in some cases, methane, one of the greenhouse gases responsible for global warming.
- Adolf Hitler suffered from chronic flatulence, for which he took anti-gas pills.
- 40% of the world’s people have no toilet, and must use the bathroom in any public place they can find: bushes, roadsides, alleys, etc.
- In a humid environment like the bathroom, a single bacterial cell can multiply into 1 billion cells overnight.
🚽🚽🚽
Well, there you have it folks, everything you never wanted to know about poop and its related activities. And a special thanks to my grandson (the poop specialist) for his inspiration.
💩GO, GO, GO💩
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