I was perusing through my library this morning when I accidentally tripped and fell back into the 1980’s once again. It always amazes me just how different the sense of humor in the 1980’s compares to now. With that thought in mind I hope you enjoy these little pearls of humor. Cmon, yuck it up a little.
What’s the difference between a gynecologist and a proctologist? Their point of view.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
Why in the traditional wedding picture is the groom in a chair and the bride is standing? Because he’s too tired to get up, and she’s too sore to sit down!
What’s worse than picking up the soap in an Army shower? Playing leapfrog in the Greek Navy.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to screw it in, and three to discuss how it’s so much more gratifying than with a man!
What does the sign inside of whorehouse say? “No smoking! Use a lubricant!”
What’s a loud wet dream? A snorgasm!
What happens if a young couple mixes up their Vaseline and putty? All their windows fall out!
What’s the easiest way to get a date with a “10”? Ask out two “threes” and a “four!”
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a jar of peanut butter? A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
I love people with a well-developed sense of humor, and I enjoy making people laugh. Since I now have a stand-up comic in the family, I pay even more than usual attention to on-line comics and what’s currently the rage. I have a number of comedians that I’ve been addicted to for years but unfortunately a few have passed on, but their comedy is alive and well and still makes me howl with laughter. I truly miss Sam Kinison and Ralphie May. Current comics Bill Burr, Brad Upton, and of course Sara Tiani are some of my USA favorites. Great Britain offers up Bob Mortimer, Jimmy Carr, Sarah Milliken, and Greg Davies, who are always laugh-out-loud funny. Yes, I love comedy so why wouldn’t I search out some humorous quotes from a few well-known stars.
“Ooooo. Ahhhhh. Get out!” Andrew Dice Clays impression of a one-night stand.
“My wife gives good headache.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Losing my virginity was a career move.” Madonna
“Sex after ninety is like shooting pool with a rope.” George Burns
“The main result of feminism has been the Dutch Treat.” Nora Ephron
“My plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.” Phyllis Diller
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ANONYMOUS (Always LOL)
“Churches welcome all denominations but prefer fives and tens.”
“An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.”
“Truth is the safest lie.”
“When confronted with two evils, a man will always choose the prettier.”
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.”
“Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener.”
I love posting interesting information and when possible, I back up those facts with quotes from a variety of people with incredible life stories. I’ve noticed over the years that the great majority of published interesting quotes are primarily made by men. I also discovered quite by accident a small paperback book published in 2000 called Womens Wit and Wisdom. I haven’t been as surprised and pleased as I was as I began reading that book. I’ll share with you a number of quotes from well-known women which are both incredible and hilarious. This book contains quite a diverse group of quotes covering any number of topics from politics, humor, to life lessons. This little book will be placed in a position of honor in my unusual collection of writings.
“My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation.” Helen Keller
“The loneliest woman in the world is a woman without a close woman friend.” Toni Morrison
“Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once your aboard there’s nothing you can do.” Golda Meir
“I was thirty-seven when I went to work writing the column. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.” Erma Bombeck
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“The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.” Ann Landers
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.” Totie Fields
“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.” Indira Gandhi
“Please know that I am aware of the hazards. I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.” Amelia Earhart
For many years I’ve been a lover of fine wines but even more obsessed with fine whiskies. The king of whiskey for me is bourbon. If I would have had two sons one of them would have been named “Jack” and the other named “Daniel”. A few years ago, I was in my seventh month of chemotherapy and wasn’t allowed any hard liquor. I was unfortunately forced to drink a series of less than satisfying hard ciders which truly sucked. Finally, the chemo ended, and I was given permission by all of my doctors to have a “real” drink. I returned home and poured myself a large glass of Jack Daniels and came very close to multiple orgasms. I got thoroughly wasted by that one drink, but I knew immediately that I was still alive. Today’s post contains quotes from a number of people with their own opinions about whiskey and they’re definitely worth remembering.
“A gulp of hot whiskey at bedtime – it’s not very scientific, but it helps.” Alexander Fleming (the discoverer of penicillin)
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” Tommy Cooper
“Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly.” A quote from the movie Anchorman
“You actually go down to Kentucky, Louisville, and they’ve got bourbons that make Old Grandad and Jack Daniels look like Schweppes bitterly lemon . . . there’s one called Rebel Yell and that’s dynamite shit.” Keith Richards
“You cannot drink gin and tonic in the middle of the night. You must have whiskey to give you energy.” Margaret Thatcher
“My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.” Igor Stravinsky
“My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six, I came up missing, they put my picture on bottles of Scotch.” Rodney Dangerfield
“When life hands you lemons, make Whiskey Sours.” WC Fields
“I like my whiskey old and my women young.” Errol Flynn
“There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others.” Raymond Chandler
Welcome to another hot sweltering and sweaty day in Maine. I’ve been confined to my man-cave because it’s the only place in this house where I won’t sweat through my clothing. It’s so bad even my cat is sleeping on a chair right next to me directly under a fan. I’ve always suspected my cat was more intelligent that it was letting on and this just proves it. Since the cat and I are having a week off from my better-half who is vacationing and visiting relatives in Maryland, we can do as we please for a change. We can eat what we want, sleep when we want, and misbehave if necessary. It’s our vacation too.
Today’s post is prompted by a series of facts I’ve recently discovered concerning wives and mistresses. Since I’m the guy who knows virtually nothing about women, I hoped these snippets would give me a better frame of reference. They probably won’t but what the hell, here they are anyway . . .
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Peter the Great had his wife’s lover executed and his head placed into a jar of alcohol. She was required to keep it in her bedroom at all times. (That’s a kinky threesome, for sure.)
Mary Todd (OMG)
Stephen Douglas’s antagonism towards Abraham Lincoln stemmed partly from the fact that Mary Todd had chosen Lincoln over Douglas as a suitor. Mary Todd met both Douglas and Lincoln at the same time and was courted by both. Her ambition led her to evaluate the two men and she chose Lincoln as the most likely to attain future success and as her own best chance for glory.(Who knew Mary Todd wasn’t just crazy but was a slut too?)
In ancient Greece, women counted their age from the date on which they were married, not from the day they were born, signifying that the wedding marked the start of a women’s real-life.(You could end up with a wife who was supposedly twenty years old but really fifty. Yikes!)
The fourth Mogul Emperor, Jahangir, who ruled from 1605 to 1627, had a harem of 300 royal wives, 5000 additional women, and 1000 young men for alternate pleasures.(The man was obviously horny and insane.)
Alexander Gustave Eiffel, the builder of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, which opened in 1889, created at its peak the highest man-made love nest so that he could carry on his personal trysts. The aerie is now opened to all visitors. (Guys will do anything to get high and get laid.)
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The British trounced George Washington’s depleted army at White Plains, then at Fort Washington, then at Brandywine, then at Germantown, and could have easily delivered the knockout blow at Valley Forge in the ferocious winter of 1777–78. But they didn’t. They didn’t attack because William Howell, the British general in command of George III’s forces in the colonies, had found warm comfort in nearby Philadelphia with a certain Mrs. Loring. By spring, the colonial army was able to wiggle off the hook.(Wow! Our country was saved by one piece of strange.)
The Babylonians auctioned off marriageable girls every year. Men had to bid high for the most attractive girls, and their money provided dowries so that the ugly girls, for whom no one would bid, could find husbands. (I think we should reinstitute this immediately.)
By the end of the 16th century, there were approximately 11,600 courtesans in Venice, twelve times the number of patrician wives. The names and addresses of the courtesans were published in a book, copies of which may be seen today in the library of St. Mark. The courtesans were the only commoners who mixed with ease with the Venetian upper class. (And you thought Las Vegas was bad.)
Catherine the Great BOW WOW!
After his love affair of two years with Catherine the Great, Gregory Alexandrovich Potemkin continued to be an important advisor to Catherine. He even helped to choose many of her subsequent lovers. (Every court should have a well-placed pimp in residence.)
When the Elector of Hanover became George I of England in 1714, His wife did not become Queen because she had committed adultery. He placed her under house arrest in Ahlden Castle, where she stayed for 32 years. Those who knew her fate called her the “Prisoner of Ahlden,” And so she remains in history. Ironically, George had arrived in England with his two mistresses. At that time adultery was only a crime for wives.(I’ll bet her guards were well satisfied.)
It seems that almost everyone is obsessed with their body image and that’s understandable considering the wide range of odd, shaped bodies we see every day. Even though there are so many variations, the functions and organs of the body are all too similar. Here are a few trivia facts about our bodies. They can be a thing of beauty or not and they can be a bit disgusting or not. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.
Did you know that approximately 1 in every 18 men have a third nipple. People who have the condition will sometimes suffer from atelophobia, the fear of being imperfect. Celebrities Tilda Swinton, Carrie Underwood, Lily Allen, and Mark Wahlberg have third nipples. Mark Wahlberg’s third nipple was airbrushed out of his famous Calvin Klein underwear ad.
If you have a fear of facial hair, you could be suffering from pogonophobia. In ancient times beards were a sign of strength and wisdom and were only cut or sheared off as punishment or if someone was in mourning.
Were you aware that your left lung is slightly smaller than your right. It’s to allow room for your heart.
Did you know that women need more sleep at night than men. Women need an extra hour of sleep but sometimes don’t get it. Not getting that extra hour is believed to be one reason why women are more susceptible to depression than men.
My cat’s hairballs creep me out. I discovered recently that human beings can also have hairballs and they’re even more disgusting than the cats. The largest human hairball ever removed from the body measured 15 inches in diameter and weighed 10 pounds. The patient also happened to suffer from a condition called trichophagia (the eating of one’s own hair).
The heart is life. Over the course of a lifetime the human heart beats 3 billion times. Your heartbeat mimics the music you listen to and can trigger physiological changes that increase or decrease your blood pressure. The heart is a massive blood pump circulating blood through an average body every 23 seconds or approximately 4000 gallons of blood each day.
Being retired has had one advantage I never bargained on and that was “streaming”. I retired in 2008 and “streaming” hadn’t really come into its own just yet. Today I’m even more hooked on television than ever before due in part to another new term of the 21st century, “bingeing.” I’ve watched hundreds of newly produced shows from Netflix and others as well as thousands of the old shows. I rediscovered just how much I truly disliked most of them back in the day. I’ve now gotten to the point where I’ve seen all I want to see of most of the more familiar streaming services and watching all those old shows is just pure torture. I really don’t need to see a once young, buxom and sexy Suzanne Somers romping around or reruns of All in the Family. The attraction there is still watching Sally Struthers strutting her stuff before a few of her things (two in particular) had begun to sag. I’ve been spending more and more of my time reading my Kindle or rummaging through my library to read actual books. I decided today’s trivia facts about the Cinema were more than a little appropriate for all you cinephiles out there.
What was the name of the mechanical shark in the 1975 smash hit Jaws? Bruce
Robert Redford was paid $6 million for his role in the 1985 film Out of Africa. How much was leading lady Meryl Streep paid? She received $3 million.
At an MGM option in 1970, two items went for the top price of $1500. One was the full-size boat used in the musical Showboat. What was the other? Judy Garland’s size 4 1/2 red shoes from the Wizard of Oz.
Who coined the phrase “cameo role” to describe the appearance of a top movie star in a bit part? Showmen Mike Todd, when he produced the Oscar-winning Around the World in 80 days in 1955.
OMG – YUM!!
What two tough guy actors turned down the role of the avenging “Man with No Name” in Sergio Leone’s spaghetti western A Fistful of Dollars before Clint Eastwood was offered the part? James Coburn and Charles Bronson. Henry Fonda was the first choice, but he was too expensive.
In 1980, who were the Top 10 box office stars in Hollywood, according to the nation’s film exhibitor? From 1 to 10: Bert Reynolds, Robert Redford, Clint Eastwood, Jane Fonda, Dustin Hoffman, John Travolta, Sally Field, Sissy Spacek, Barbra Streisand and Steve Martin.
Why was popcorn not permitted in most movie theaters in the 1920’s? It was deemed to be too noisy.
How old was actor Jeff Bridges when he made his screen debut? Four months. He appeared as a crying baby in the 1950’s film The Company She Keeps.
Being a long time Pittsburgher requires absolute loyalty to the Steelers and to the Pirates. I spent 12 years of my life totally and completely addicted to playing baseball. It wasn’t a casual thing; it was total and complete obsession. I was fortunate enough to see and meet many of the greatest baseball players to ever live who played for the Pittsburgh Pirates including Roberto Clemente, Bill Mazeroski, Rocky Nelson, Al McBean, Bill Verdon, Dick Stuart and the list goes on and on. The same year that I was born the Pirates claimed ownership to one of the greatest home run hitters in the game, Ralph Kiner. He was long gone from the Pittsburgh team as I began my early teens, but I followed his career for many years and even copied his batting style. Who doesn’t remember “Kiners Corner”, a shortened area of fence in left-center field at Forbes Field. I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to meet him or to see him play, but he was the ultimate role model for a young baseball crazy kid, and I loved him. Here’s a short bio on Kiner and his truly impressive career.
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In 1949, Kiner topped his 1947 total with 54 home runs, falling just two short of Hack Wilson’s then-National League record. It was the highest total in the major leagues from 1939 to 1960, and the highest National League total from 1931 to 1997. It made Kiner the first National League player with two 50 plus home run seasons. Kiner also matched his peak of 127 RBI’s. From 1947 to 1951, Kiner topped 40 home runs and 100 RBIs each season. Through 2011 he was one of seven major leaguers to have had at least four 30-HR, 100-RBI seasons in their first five years. Kiner’s string of seasons leading the league in home runs reached seven in 1952, when he hit 37. This also was the last of a record six consecutive seasons in which he led Major League Baseball in home runs.
In 1961, Kiner entered the broadcast booth for the Chicago White Sox. The following year, Kiner, Lindsey Nelson, and Bob Murphy began broadcasting the games of the expansion New York Mets. Kiner also hosted a post-game show known as “Kiner’s Korner” on WOR-TV. Nationally, he helped call the Mets’ appearance in the 1969 and 1973 World Series for NBC Radio. He won a local Emmy Award for his broadcasting work.
Kiner was also known for his occasional malapropisms, usually connected with getting people’s names wrong, such as calling broadcasting partner Tim McCarver as “Tim MacArthur” and calling Gary Carter “Gary Cooper”. Despite a bout with Bell’s palsy, which left him with slightly slurred speech, Kiner continued broadcasting for 53 seasons.
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Here are a few more for your amusement.
The Hall of Fame ceremonies are on 31st and 32nd of July.
We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturers Hangover. (the correct name was Manufacturers Hanover)
Today is Father’s Day, so to all you fathers out there, we’d like to say, Happy Birthday!
Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April.
George Shinn is the owner of the Charlotte Harlots basketball team. (the actual name was the Charlotte Hornets)
And finally, I saved the best for last.
Ralph Korner (Kiner introducing himself on his post-game show, Kiner’s Korner”.
Here we go again with another rainy and gray day. Spring really wants to make an appearance but for some reason she’s having difficulties. The sun shines brightly for 2 hours a day broken up into 15-minute segments. The problem then becomes when you have a “freezing your ass off” moment every time a cloud goes by. Truthfully Mother Nature is really starting to piss me off.
Now let me get back to the subject. A few months ago, I purchased a pile of old used books which appear to have once been library books. I have books from libraries all over the country. One in particular is a book of limericks (mostly clean) written by some well-known authors and celebrities. See what you think.
By: Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slipped out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
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By: Ogden Nash
It was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
By: Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The Hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
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By: Rudyard Kipling
There was once a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes, I is,
“But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
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As you can imagine I read hundreds of limericks a month but even I was taken by surprise when I read these four. Just goes to show you that even celebrated writers and authors have a real bitch of a time writing limericks. I’m sure that if of you took a few minutes, you could write better stuff than this. Only one of these four showed me something interesting and that was the one by Oliver Wendall Holmes. Read it carefully and see if you spot his clever efforts.
To all of the baseball lovers out there, here’s a little trivia that goes back seventy-two years. It’s nice to know that the tradition of the game remains as frustrating and fascinating as ever.
In baseball there is no clock. A pro basketball game lasts 48 minutes while hockey and football games last 60 minutes. But as the old saying goes, a baseball game (or the inning) isn’t over until the final out. A game on May 21, 1952, between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers proved the old saying true.
The first half-inning had lasted one hour. Twenty-one batters had gotten hits and seven walks, and two batters had been hit by a pitched ball. Fifteen runs had scored, and three men were left on base. The following day the New York Times printed some of the records the Brooklyn team had broken in that that first-half inning:
Most runs scored in one inning (15)
Most runs scored in the first inning (15)
Most runs scored with two outs (12)
Most batters to bat in one inning (21)
Most batters to reach base safely in a row (19)
This last record may be the most amazing of all. Only the first batter and the last had not gotten on base safely. The 19 batters in between had all made it – even the man who was put out on the basepaths for the second out. The Times confessed it couldn’t be sure that 19 batters in a row was a record, but if any major league team ever did better, no one remembers the occasion.
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