Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
I’d like to lighten things up a bit as we continue to enjoy the January doldrums here in Maine. I don’t know about you but I’ve been a big fan of Jeff Foxworthy for many years. He has a tremendous sense of humor which is wrapped up in all that redneck nonsense but he still makes me laugh out loud on occasion. I came upon this routine of his that I’m sure has been around for a while but it’s worth sharing with all of you. It’ll give you a true picture of what living in Maine is really all about. Here we go.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you might live in Maine.
If you had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.
If you measure distance in hours instead of miles, you might live in Maine.
If you know several people who’ve hit a deer more than once, you might live in Maine.
If you’ve switched from heat and AC in the same day and then back again, you might live in Maine.
If you can drive 75 miles through 2 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching, you might live in Maine.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you might live in Maine.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you might live in Maine.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Maine.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Maine.
If you know all four seasons: almost Winter, Winter, still Winter, and road construction, you might live in Maine.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than on your car, you might live in Maine.
If you find 10° a little chilly, you might live in Maine.
I couldn’t explain Maine any better than that if I tried.
Today is one of those dead days after the holidays where everyone is dragging ass with the loss of all that holiday adrenaline. I’ve decided I need to talk about politics for a bit after perusing the monthly observances listed for January.
Today is January 6th and I’ve discovered something earth shattering. The politicians must be losing their edge because not only have they chosen not to observe the 6th as Sherlock Holmes’s birthday which almost but not quite pisses me off, they’ve completely ignored the 6th for any type of recognition. While the 6th of January is included in some of the lame ass weekly observances, it doesn’t have a day of it’s own. How could our narcissistic and self-serving politico’s miss an opportunity like that. There’s a day for damn near everything and a few days that have multiple observances, so what the hell is wrong with the 6th of January?
Maybe it’s time for us to help those poor underpaid politicians do their job in a more proper fashion. How about we have the 6th remembered and observed as, “Take Down the Goddamn Christmas Tree Day” or “National Christmas Gift Refund Day”. Being as fair and balanced as I can possibly be I propose we name the 6th as “Take an Effing Liberal to Work Day”. We could show them off to our conservative friends and pass out a few food stamps as a surprise gifts.
The next time I have lunch with Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid I’ll make that suggestion. They’ve been avoiding me since I refused that threesome offer over our last lunch. They’re so sensitive when sexually rejected it may take a few months for another invite to come my way (no pun intended).
I can’t wait for next year, it’ll take me that long to choose my liberal work buddy. I have a complicated and fun selection process which will make as many liberals as possible as uncomfortable as possible.
So there!
Last year at this time I decided to really and truly live up to and complete a list of ten New Year’s resolutions. Being the serious person that I am (no laughter please), I thought that if I created a more realistic list of things I just might accomplish them. If you read this blog recently you discovered that I successfully completed only five of my ten resolutions in 2012. I consider that a dismal failure.
I now will again promise to try harder in this coming year to meet and hopefully exceed my own expectations. As I stand here hanging my head in shame I propose this new list for 2013.
1. Don’t wear sweat pants outside the confines of the house less than twice a week (demanded by my better-half).
2. Pay less than $75.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts. I failed at the $50.00 level, now I’ll just up the monthly amount and hopefully be successful.
3. Tell my better-half I love her at least twenty times a day (again her idea).
4. Attempt to develop a casual and platonic friendship with my weird neighbors.
5. Convince my better-half that pizza is not an official food group and refuse to eat it more than once a week.
6. Don’t call the President a stupid, effing, liberal, socialist, narcissistic A-hole more than twenty times a week.
7. Read 3 non-fiction and 3 fiction books a month.
8. Fire at least 1000 rounds of ammo a quarter to fine tune my shooting skills to prepare for the impending anarchism which will follow.
9. Take a vacation to some exotic and strange non-American land (like maybe Boston, New York, San Francisco, or LA).
10. Refuse to eat dog food more than three times a month to help pay for my mandated Obamacare taxes.
It’s now a wait and see game. I’ll post the results again next December and hope for the best.
It’s New Years Eve-Eve. My sneaky scheme to convince my better-half to have a small party for New Years seems to have gone the same route as many of my other sneaky schemes, no where. There was some discussion of our visiting friends for a few hours prior to midnight but I honesty don’t think that’s going to happen. The last word I received yesterday was that we’re going to have a quiet night, just the two of us, for movies, Chinese food, and a marathon Scrabble game. I know, I know, it’s sounds really exciting so just calm down before you have a heart attack.
Most people don’t realize how exciting it is to spend time with us. You think that big party in Times Square and the dropping of the Big Ball is something, your wrong. Justin Bieber, Ryan Seacrest, and all of those other would be celebrities would kill to be sitting here again on our coach watching movies with us. You could cut the excitement with a knife, a really big and sharp knife.
Last year we threw a, New Years Day + 1, party so all of our celebrity friends from the so-so celebration in New Yorks Time Square could come to Maine the day after. We’re known far and wide for our fabulous gift bags that draw in the glitterati from all over the country and bring them up north to Maine. Beautiful imitation diamond earrings in the shape of lobsters for the women and a cool faux diamond incrusted diver’s watch favored by many of our local lobsterman. A magical Maine skin lotion, made from bear fat and moose extract is added to the bag and will keep their skin highly moisturized and baby soft. It’s also good for protection from the cold down to ten below zero. A good Chanel perfume will easily mask the odor of the bear fat.
As a special gift, we woke everyone up the morning after, collected all of their sleeping bags, and made them a hearty Maine breakfast of Moose and scrambled eggs. I can still remember Lady Ga Ga rolling out of one of the sleeping bags after a snuggly night with Justin Bieber. I’m not sure who I felt sorrier for in that circumstance but I think it was Justin. Next we passed out snowshoes for everyone and took a long, brisk walk through the snow covered Maine woods. Everyone immediately became a little sweaty and smelly so we took a quick dip in our local creek, after cutting a hole in the ice, to get their juices flowing again. Later after a few unrehearsed tunes from our guests back at the house, we said our final goodbye to end the celebration.
Who wouldn’t want to attend another party like that? I shouldn’t tell you this because it’s a huge secret and I wouldn’t want to alert the paparazzi but the 4:00am game of naked charades last year was incredible. Seacrest’s better-half, Julianne Hough, stopped the show when she was attempting the phrase, “your ass is mine”. I wasn’t quite right for a few hours after that. She eventually lost the game but everyone else was a definite winner. Although we did have a tough time keeping Jessica Simpson under control. Her cravings got out of hand when she viciously attacked a table full of the candied oyster appetizers. Not only can that girl sing, she can really eat too. It took four of us to get her off that table.
Now you know what you’ve been missing. Even Puerto Rico comes in a close second to these fun get-togethers, right Lily! I’ll be forced to blame my better-half for ruining another of our posh celebrity, New Years + 1 Day, parties. I must love her a lot because screwing me out of another exciting game of naked charades is not nice. I ask for so little . . .
I’ve always enjoyed the New Years holiday and I’ve partied my fair share over the years. No pressure for gifts, no family visitors, and no caroling or boring Christmas cards. Just get together, have a few drinks, dance a little, and be hung-over the next day. Hopefully not waking up in a jail cell or in bed with someone your not all that familiar with.
I’ve never been a big proponent of making New Year’s resolutions because I honestly never tried keeping them anyway. It’s just an exercise in futility and just another thing to depress the hell out me when in July I reread the list, swear a few times, and toss it in the can. The following five resolutions were put together by the US government and a few heath fanatics. Do they actually think I would take these politically correct items seriously? They’ve got to be kidding us and themselves.
1. Exercise or start a new physical activity
2. Eat more fresh foods
3. Make your home safer
4. Schedule regular checkups
5. Participate in cognitive health activities
Last year I decided to get more serious and came up with ten realistic resolutions that I might actually have a chance of completing. As you can see by the following results I wasn’t a total failure but my successes weren’t all that great either. Here they are:
1. Read four books a month.
COMPLETED – This was any easy one for me but I knew that going in. I figured I should have at least one I could accomplish without working too hard.
2. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
FAILED – I’m sorry to say this one was much more difficult than I first thought. I blame my complete failure on my better-half who has an uncanny ability to bring the F-Bombs out of me.
3. Visit only the classiest porn sites no more than four times a day.
COMPLETED – Just barely.
4. Throw the finger at bad drivers no more than three times a week.
COMPLETED – I was especially proud of this accomplishment. There were times when I almost gave in to the dark side, but I hung in there.
5. Spend less than $50.00 a month at Dunkin Donut.
FAILED – I never had a chance on this one. I really don’t consider this a real failure because I suffer from an addiction. That excuse work’s for almost everyone else so I thought I’d give it a try.
6. Try not to call my cat a rotten SOB more than three times a day.
FAILED – He continuously baited me for a year to force my failure. Those damn cats are so sneaky.
7. Try not to scratch my junk in public more than twice a week.
COMPLETED – I kept it at a once a week level but again it was so damn difficult. It’s only human nature that if you have toys you play with them. Duh!
8. Drink less than last year but more than next year.
COMPLETED – I’ll make sure I drink the proper amount next year to make this a success.
9. Do not smoke marijuana. Baked in brownies only.
FAILED – Didn’t have it either way and I’m very sad about it.
10. Don’t dance naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors dog.
FAILED – I really don’t like that dog and it was worth a failure here to again frighten and make her crazy. Damn dog.
I failed five of ten but in all honesty I tried my hardest. I’ll have my 2013 list completed soon and I’ll again try to make all of you proud. I hope you do the same and if you’d like to share your upcoming failures, please do so. I promise not to snicker or laugh. . . . really!
The snow has finally stopped with the final amount totaling close to 17 inches. My back, legs, and arms were telling me it was more like 100 inches but what do they know. I rolled out of bed early this morning and knew in my heart the driveway wasn’t finished with me yet. I didn’t realize just how right I was.
As a last gift from our town’s snow plow I found the bottom of my driveway completely blocked from their last visit sometime during the night. This is an annual bitch of mine that I need to tell someone about but believe me, no ones listening. I grabbed my shovel and out into the cold I went once again.
Let me set the scene for you. I’m standing at the end of my driveway with wet feet and sore limbs after shoveling for at least a half hour to clear the mess. I finally finished (or so I thought) and I looked up the road and what did I see but the towns frigging snow plow heading my way. I swear that damn driver was grinning as he reloaded my driveway with a ton of now slushy and dirty snow. He should thank whatever God he believes in that I wasn’t armed. I start shoveling again and still grumbling about it when ten minutes later I hear the plow making it’s return trip going in the other direction. The snow had stopped, the road was empty of traffic, it was just me and the snowplow, and the towns incompetent driver.
I was standing directly across the road from my (new this year) mailbox when the plow swooped through, hit my mailbox, spinning it completely around, and left the door hanging by a thread. This is the third effing mailbox in the last five years that I’ll be forced to replace. As I’m sure you know, I was no longer smiling. That was how my day started.
I finished the shoveling and decided I needed to get the hell out of the house for a few hours. I was suffering from a mild case of cabin-fever. I ran a few errands, bought a few books, and took a few photographs. My blood pressure finally returned to normal and the day once again became calmer and more enjoyable.
Upon the return of my better-half from work I was made aware that we would be meeting some friends a a local restaurant later in the day for a few drinks and appetizers. I actually was looking forward to that so after a quick hour on the X-Box, I showered, shaved, dressed, and was ready to go.
We met up with our friends, had a few drinks, and got caught up the latest gossip and had a great time. Being the law abiding citizen that I am I stopped after three glasses of wine and went to drinking coffee. It turned out to be my best move of the night.
As we headed home the night was clear and cold and we were chatting a little. Just a few minutes from our house all of a sudden two white tailed deer jumped from an embankment on our right landing directly in front of us. Lucky for us and them I was driving slowly enough to get stopped and to let them pass. Even so that still got the old heart racing for a few minutes.
I pull into our driveway and I could see that the town’s garbage men finally emptied our trash container. As I walked down the driveway to retrieve it I noticed how icy it had become. I yelled out to my better-half to be careful and as I did I slipped and fell on my ass and twisted my already damaged knee It was a little stiff last night but right now as I’m lying in bed writing this, it hurts too much to get up. Looks like a few more weeks of hobbling around until it heals again. I’m never all that surprised by my clumsiness but it’s getting really tiresome. I guess I can celebrate my first fall for 2012 and look forward to the first one that’s sure to come in 2013.
Reality decided to return today and help me rid myself of all remaining holiday cheer. I just returned to the house after attempting to snow-blow approximately 10 inches of snow off the damn driveway. Being the smart fellow I thought I was, I bought a new snow blower two months ago. Mother Nature can’t get me this year! No sir! Why am I never right about these things.
I fired up the snow blower, pushed it out into the snow, plowed about ten feet and saw that my left tire was flat. I hadn’t touched the damn thing since it was delivered from Lowes and never thought to check the tires. There’s no doubt I’m going to pay for that bit of negligence. First thing, I’m going back out and try to use the snow blower even though one tire won’t cooperate. I shall return . . . .
Well that wasn’t much fun. Not being well versed in using a snow blower with two wheels it took a while for me to get the hang of operating it with just one. Unfortunately as I made my first turn through the snow I forgot to disengage the thrower. I shot about 200 lbs of snow directly into my garage onto my car. Lesson #1 was check the damn tires. Lesson #2 was close the damn garage door when your outside playing with the snow blower. I don’t think I’ll be able to use the snow blower again with just the one tire, it’s too difficult. It’s still snowing like hell and I’m going to be forced to dig out the old trusty snow shovel to do the rest of this. Let me tell you that just sucks. Back outside one more time . . . .
Well I was able to clean up the driveway a bit more but at the rate it’s snowing I’ll out there a few more times before morning. This is what I get for wishing for a White Christmas. I really hoped I’d never be forced to unretire that snow shovel. Karma, thou art a vicious bitch.
The final report shows 16 inches of snow, two sore arms, two sore legs, one sore back, and one flat tire. Just great, right?
Three more shopping days till Christmas. With that in mind I’d like to explain a few unforeseen consequences of living in Maine at this time of the year. This state teems with thousands of great white hunters who like nothing better than combing the woods in an attempt to kill something and eat it. As you can tell, I’m no hunter. I was born and raised in an area much like Maine, western Pennsylvania, where hunting is considered something of a religious experience. Most of my family were hunters and the king of all hunting was my father. Thank God for my nephew who took my place at an early age to accompany my dad on his hunting forays. I could never see the point since the taste of wild game just didn’t appeal to me.
At this time of the year the exchange of gifts is a tradition but in Maine it takes an unusual turn. Some of our more common Christmas gifts are cheese logs, meat logs, and moose logs. Nothing says Christmas like a twenty pound package of moose meat or squirrel filets but it still creeps me out just talking about them. A few weeks ago in an attempt to find other unique and delicious Maine specialties, I instead found these.
Beaver Butt Pie
All that you’ll need to get started with this nutritious and holiday related meal is a big fat beaver willing to give up his paddle and his innards. Simply lay the beaver paddle on the bottom of a pie shell, cover it with the preheated and stinky innards, sprinkle some brown sugar on top, and bake in an preheated oven at 350-degrees for 45 minutes. Add some fragrant pine fronds and a nice red Christmas ribbon and there you go. Ready for the family table.
Teriyaki Marinated Moose Lips
What could be more festive than cooking a bag of moose lips on the grill with a light snow falling in the moonlight. All you need to prepare moose lips are a dozen pair of lips, ordered from Amazon, two quarts of teriyaki sauce, and a hot and ready grill. Roast and season to taste. It’s a Christmassy lip-smacking snack to munch on as you watch the annual showing of “A Christmas Story”.
Coyote Sauce
Imported Maine coyote is a local delicacy but available now through internet sites for a pittance. If your outdoorsy all you need is a .22 rifle, a little patience, and BANG. Add a little gelatin to the broth that you cooked the coyote in and Well-La, the perfect addition to a Christmas turkey dinner as a side dish to replace cranberry sauce.
I know your mouths must be watering after reading and picturing these Maine delicacies but never fear, maybe next year some of our northernmost citizens will make all of these meals available through mail order for you to enjoy with your loved ones. You may not be able to visit Maine but we can bring the true Maine holiday spirit right to your door for a modest price. It’s only right that we share our overabundance of critters with as many people as possible. Also, we can use the money.
Bon Appetite and Merry Christmas
(Sarcasm Off)
Today has been the most excited I’ve been in weeks. All of our Christmas preparations are finally completed. Everything is purchased, wrapped, baked, decorated, and it only took two months. All that work, effort, and thought invested into one 24 hour period after which we get to pack it all up for another year. Are we all that nuts? Don’t answer that, it was rhetorical.
You would think a huge sigh of relief would be in order but Nooooooooooooo! My better-half is what you might call an obsessive planner and her whole life revolves around tasks and their completion. She has a driving need to be working around the clock to feel any sense of accomplishment. Unfortunately some of that craziness often spills over onto me. I’m just the opposite. In my world if my tasks are complete, it’s time for a comfortable chair, a hot toddy, and a few hours of relaxation.
I was advised last evening as we were baby-sitting the new grandson who seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal by crapping his pants, throwing up on my better-half, and screaming at the top of his lungs, that on Saturday night we would be taking a Christmas pilgrimage to Portland, Maine. We could walk along Commercial Street, romantically hand-in-hand, to window shop, people watch, and quite likely stop at Three Dollar Dewey’s for a beer or two. I think she’s trying to establish some new Christmas traditions for just the two of us.
It’s important for her for some reason that we make a mandatory stop at Mexicali Blues (again with her Mexican fixation), a shop full of incense, do-dads, and New Age thing-a-ma-bobs. I normally prefer walking along Commercial street when the weather’s warm and I’m wearing a T-shirt and shorts. Not so much in winter clothing with piles of snow and slush everywhere. You should also be aware that since Commercial street is located along the water adjacent to Portland harbor that nothing says Christmas like the harbor smell during low tide.
After an hour or two of hoofing it up and down the street, we’ll be in and out of stores that I would never visit on my own. When we’re finished with the grand tour we can return to our car and hopefully not find a gift from the Portland PD meter maids, a $25.00 dollar parking ticket.
Next we’re scheduled to take a short ten minute ride to her favorite place in Maine and the world. The Great Lost Bear, a tavern and restaurant, located on Congress street in Portland. She requires quarterly pilgrimages to this bar because of their massive collection of beers from all over the world. They’ll stuff us with some of the hottest chicken wings you could ever possibly eat, a few needed drinks, and then send us on our way. Hopefully we make it home without hitting any sobriety checkpoints, being arrested for a DUI, or having our car towed.
If we complete all of that without incident we’ll have had a wonderful time and finally be able to settle in and wait for Christmas Day to arrive. I’ll then be patiently waiting for the next twelve months so we can do it all over again now that it’s an official family tradition. After all it’s freaking Christmas.
Everyone these days is constantly harping for me to partake of this festival celebrating the birth of Christ. Just to let most of you know, I’m what I would call a recovering Catholic. I was baptized and confirmed against my will at a young age but was able to distance myself over the next few decades. I feel I’ve gained a better perspective of things and since I’ve never rejoined the church you may consider me a righteous religious independent.
That explains my position towards organized religion and the related holidays they claim as their own. In an attempt to be fair I decided to do a little research into Christmas to determine if it was the actual birthday of Jesus Christ. It didn’t take terribly long to find out that December 25th is not the correct date of the birth but one selected by the Catholic Church to compete with certain other pagan celebrations that also took place in December. As best I could determine the actual season of Jesus’s birth was thought to be sometime in the spring. The church in its infinite wisdom took the same approach to scheduling that holiday as they do in handling everything else. They make it church doctrine regardless of the facts and their billions of believers follow right along.
In the early years of the American colonies, Christmas was considered a pagan festival and wasn’t too well received by the colonists. There was even a time between 1659 and 1681 in Massachusetts where anyone caught celebrating Christmas would be fined five shillings. Our current war on Christmas and religion led by our socialist friends at the ACLU pales in comparison to that carried on by our colonist forefathers.
I think my problem of developing a true Christmas spirit has finally been solved. I dislike the materialistic style of Christmas that many people celebrate these days and I’ve always disliked anything forced on me by any organized religion but the pagan holidays I think I can get on board with.
I’d make a great pagan. I love really big bonfires, and long’s slinky robes, and even the occasional orgy or two. Say what you want about those pagans, they really know how to party. I’m sure there are many pagans in this country who maintain a really low profile due to all of the hateful and discriminatory things said about them over the years by the Christians. I truly feel their pain and still don’t understand why “we all can’t just get along”. Special thanks to Rodney King for that quote, he was always my hero and role model.
So take heart all you pagans, stand up, be recognized, and be proud of your rich heritage. I think next year I’m going to start a campaign for the creation of a new holiday where all of those people who feel disenfranchised by their organized religions can jump on board my pagan bandwagon. We’ll have Christmas trees but just so we can set them on fire because everyone knows it’s no fun to dance and frolic naked in the dark. I also hear that dancing naked around bonfires in December can be a bit hazardous. The pagans report a huge increase in frostbite occurrences during the holidays, so be careful out there.
I’m starting to get that old tingle of holiday cheer again. You just never know when you’re going stumble into a genuine religious epiphany. It’s a freaking Christmas miracle and I’ve been saved.
