I’m feeling somewhat indifferent today. I got up early, had a cup of really godawful coffee which is not a good way to start any day. My lack of interest was exacerbated by the few things I had to accomplish. For those of you that don’t know I drive a 2008 Smart car. It’s a small vehicle on a good day but it’s the only delivery vehicle I have. Here in Maine, we recycle bottles and cans and today was the day for me to cash in all those nickels. I checked my garage and to my surprise I had 7 large bags containing 420 bottles and cans. I then loaded up my Smart car with all seven bags. Every window in the car except for the windshield was partially blocked. I managed to fit everything into the car leaving just enough room for my oversized ass. I had to travel approximately ten miles to the redemption center, and I looked ridiculous. It’s hard to look inconspicuous when you’re driving what appears to be a giant garbage bag with headlights and a windshield. Apparently, the police officer who then stopped me thought it was hysterically funny as well. There were no citations issued but we both had a few laughs about the situation. I hadn’t broken any laws, had all of the required mirrors, and he sent me on my way by standing on the berm and laughing his ass off. Just so you know I cashed in the bottles and cans and then walked next door to the liquor store. I’ll be opening that bottle of gin later because this day has got to get better. Only limericks can raise my spirits and get my day back on track. Here’s two . . .
Being a long time Pittsburgher requires absolute loyalty to the Steelers and to the Pirates. I spent 12 years of my life totally and completely addicted to playing baseball. It wasn’t a casual thing; it was total and complete obsession. I was fortunate enough to see and meet many of the greatest baseball players to ever live who played for the Pittsburgh Pirates including Roberto Clemente, Bill Mazeroski, Rocky Nelson, Al McBean, Bill Verdon, Dick Stuart and the list goes on and on. The same year that I was born the Pirates claimed ownership to one of the greatest home run hitters in the game, Ralph Kiner. He was long gone from the Pittsburgh team as I began my early teens, but I followed his career for many years and even copied his batting style. Who doesn’t remember “Kiners Corner”, a shortened area of fence in left-center field at Forbes Field. I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to meet him or to see him play, but he was the ultimate role model for a young baseball crazy kid, and I loved him. Here’s a short bio on Kiner and his truly impressive career.
***
In 1949, Kiner topped his 1947 total with 54 home runs, falling just two short of Hack Wilson’s then-National League record. It was the highest total in the major leagues from 1939 to 1960, and the highest National League total from 1931 to 1997. It made Kiner the first National League player with two 50 plus home run seasons. Kiner also matched his peak of 127 RBI’s. From 1947 to 1951, Kiner topped 40 home runs and 100 RBIs each season. Through 2011 he was one of seven major leaguers to have had at least four 30-HR, 100-RBI seasons in their first five years. Kiner’s string of seasons leading the league in home runs reached seven in 1952, when he hit 37. This also was the last of a record six consecutive seasons in which he led Major League Baseball in home runs.
In 1961, Kiner entered the broadcast booth for the Chicago White Sox. The following year, Kiner, Lindsey Nelson, and Bob Murphy began broadcasting the games of the expansion New York Mets. Kiner also hosted a post-game show known as “Kiner’s Korner” on WOR-TV. Nationally, he helped call the Mets’ appearance in the 1969 and 1973 World Series for NBC Radio. He won a local Emmy Award for his broadcasting work.
Kiner was also known for his occasional malapropisms, usually connected with getting people’s names wrong, such as calling broadcasting partner Tim McCarver as “Tim MacArthur” and calling Gary Carter “Gary Cooper”. Despite a bout with Bell’s palsy, which left him with slightly slurred speech, Kiner continued broadcasting for 53 seasons.
***
Here are a few more for your amusement.
The Hall of Fame ceremonies are on 31st and 32nd of July.
We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturers Hangover. (the correct name was Manufacturers Hanover)
Today is Father’s Day, so to all you fathers out there, we’d like to say, Happy Birthday!
Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April.
George Shinn is the owner of the Charlotte Harlots basketball team. (the actual name was the Charlotte Hornets)
And finally, I saved the best for last.
Ralph Korner (Kiner introducing himself on his post-game show, Kiner’s Korner”.
My formative years back in the day made it possible for many people in my family and others to call me a smartass. At the time I was a little insulted by the name calling but I soon discovered something very important. A properly educated elementary school smartass is just a hairs breath away from being a well-spoken adult sarcastic SOB. It takes many years of study to finally earn your wings as a lover of sarcasm but it’s well worth it. Sarcasm has served me well for decades and I have no regrets. I actually have books in my wonderful library that helped me to fine tune my skills as a glib wiseass. I’m going to give you a few samples of sarcasm which might also offer help to those sarcasm-deniers who need a little education. I’m also told that there are people out there who claim to not understand or recognize sarcasm and they have my deepest sympathies. I truthfully believe these people are in a serious state of denial and really have a badly developed sense of humor. Let’s get busy . . .
HAT
A hat is a simple protective covering that God never meant to feature mouse ears, antlers, or an opportunity to drink two beers simultaneously from a single plastic hose.
HATE
Hate is a strong, intense dislike or feeling of animosity. It is therefore the opposite of love, although if you are patient, you’ll get to the hate eventually.
HEART BROKEN
This is a state of overwhelming sadness: most commonly experienced by adolescents who do not yet have the emotional distance to grasp just how many more times they are going to get screwed over like this by the time they’re twenty-five.
FLOWERS
Flowers are a hollow gesture of apology made all the more hollow by the fact that you ordered them online.
GIVING THE FINGER
It’s something you give to another human being when you cannot find the right words to say exactly how much their very existence is so deeply impacted your life.
BEING FEMININE
This is a characteristic of women. Called to mind by such items as potpourri, fine lace, toilet paper cozies, and the ability to stick the knife in you just when you’re at your most vulnerable, sometimes even in front of your damn friends.
These are just simple examples of sarcasm which are totally harmless. To most people these are just humorous statements not taken all that seriously except by a few people dealing with serious issues of insecurity and self-esteem. Most of the time sarcasm is just plain funny if you let it be and if you don’t that’s your loss.
Since my recent post of off-color limericks was so popular I thought I’d offer up a few more cute but nonetheless dirty jokes. I guess I should have figured out by now that I’ve got to “give the people what they want.” A few dirty jokes to help you continue the celebration of this important holiday.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?” “Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes, and burns.” “Do you use it for anything else?” “Like what”, she asked. “Ahem. . well, during. . ahem. . sex.” “Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice). “Hello? Oh, hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? Thanks. Okay. Bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
Sean Connery once polished coffins for cash.
There are 27 moons orbiting Uranus. (pun intended)
More than 29 years after the Japanese surrendered in World War II, Lt. Onoda Hiro was discovered in the Philippines. He refused to surrender until he was ordered to do so by his commanding officer.
In Sri Lanka, nonverbal signals for agreement are reversed from those in Western countries. Nodding your head means “no” and shaking your head from side-to-side means “yes.”
A person can’t be a sumo wrestler in Japan unless he weighs more than 154 pounds and is taller than five feet seven inches.
*****
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill
President. James Garfield was shot by an assassin in 1881. Six doctors attempted to treat the wounded president, but several probed the wound with their bare fingers, introducing a fatal infection into his body.
Lloyds of London Paid out $3,019,400 in insurance claims to the families of the victims who perished in the Titanic disaster.
Ermal Fraze invented the pop-top aluminum can in 1963, he received U.S. patent number 3,349,949 for the design.
Approximately 75% of what we think we taste is actually coming from our sense of smell.
Couples married in the first three months of the year tend to have higher divorce rates than those married in the later months.
*****
“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” – Lao Tzu
Wow, what is it that wonderful smell? I smell NFL football in my immediate future and my Steeler blood lust has taken over. I’m already holding high hopes for a truly successful season this year. I’ve hung my Terrible Towel collection in my man-cave and I’m praying for a gut-busting season similar to the years with Terry Bradshaw, Big Ben Rothlisberger, and the old and hopefully new Steel Curtain. With that in mind, how about some historical football trivia to whet your whistle.
As 1944 opened, the United States was deeply involved in World War II. Of the millions of Americans overseas, many thousands were in North Africa, which had been freed from Axis control during 1943. It happened that several units stationed in North Africa had formed a kind of North African Football Conference. The two top teams in this league wanted to play in an “Arab Bowl.” Other officers and men wanted a game between the Army and the Navy soldiers instead. Finally, a compromise was reached. Why not have a football doubleheader? The first game was to be played by the Casablanca Rab Chasers against the Oman Termites, for the North African Football Conference championship.
On January 1, 1944, it was a very hot day in Oran. In a rugged opening game, that Casablanca Rab Chasers defeated the Oran Termites for the title. And then another problem arose. Neither of these teams would lend their equipment to the teams for the Army-Navy game. Shoulder pads and jerseys were so hard to get at that time and were just too valuable to lend to strangers. It was decided that the second game would be played without equipment, it would be a touch football game between the Army and Navy, and blocking was permitted. Also, they announced the halftime entertainment would be camel and burro races, with members of the Women’s Army Corps and Red Cross nurses mounted on the animals. The selection of the beauty queen was declared a tie between three WAC contestants. Since no one had pads, the ground game was mostly end runs and passes. Nobody was really hurt by the blocking, but the heat caused many substitutions. The Navy scored on a blocked punt and a pass. The kick was good and made the score 7-0. Army tied the game before the half ended. The second half was scoreless until the last minute of the game when Army’s Eddie Herbert intercepted a pass and returned it to the Navy twenty-yard line. With time for one more play the kick split the uprights and Army won the game 10-7.
I’m sure that the men who played in that game remember it more fondly than any Super Bowl they’ve seen since. All that fun without an overpaid celebrity showing boobs or moonwalking during the half-time show.
As you’re probably aware I collect weird and odd trivia. I stumbled upon a book by a Mr. Russ Kick titled “50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know”. It’s a collection of somewhat obscure facts collected by Kick. I’ll list ten of the facts from the book without the accompanying lengthy explanations provided to prove his points. Some facts appear outrageous, but it seems his research was well done. If you want to check his facts, then you’ll need to find and buy the book or do some lengthy research online.
Barbie is based on a German sex doll
Fetuses masturbate
George Washington embezzled government funds
Scientists are re-creating the highly lethal 1918 Spanish Flu virus
Several thousand Americans were held in Nazi concentration camps during WW2
Well over 300,000 tons of chemical weapons have been dumped into the sea
Men have clitorises
Native Americans were once kept as slaves
James Audubon killed all the birds he painted
The Environmental Protection Agency lied about New York’s air quality after the 9/11 disaster.
I think today the title tells you everything you need to know. Here’s a selection of poetry written by children from English-speaking countries around the world. It always makes for a really good read and often motivates me to write poetry of my own. Enjoy. . .
THE SEA
By Susan Shoenblum, Age 11, United States
The untamed sea is human
Its emotions erupt in waves,
The sea sends her message of anger
As the waves roll over my head
💌💌💌
THE SPIDER
By J. Jenkins, age 10, New Zealand
With black, wicked eyes, hairy and legs and creepy crawling movements
Black shoe polish coat shining dully,
Hairy black thin legs.
Beautiful, silky and soft web
Dew hangs like miniature diamonds on lazy fingers.
A quick movement and this monster disappears.
💌💌💌
SHADOW
By Pramila Parmar, Age 11, Kenya
My shadow is very bad and foolish
Wherever I go it follows,
I lash it, I whip it,
still, it follows me.
One day I will kick it and it will never follow me.
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Here we go again with another rainy and gray day. Spring really wants to make an appearance but for some reason she’s having difficulties. The sun shines brightly for 2 hours a day broken up into 15-minute segments. The problem then becomes when you have a “freezing your ass off” moment every time a cloud goes by. Truthfully Mother Nature is really starting to piss me off.
Now let me get back to the subject. A few months ago, I purchased a pile of old used books which appear to have once been library books. I have books from libraries all over the country. One in particular is a book of limericks (mostly clean) written by some well-known authors and celebrities. See what you think.
By: Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slipped out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
💥💥
By: Ogden Nash
It was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
By: Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The Hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
💥💥
By: Rudyard Kipling
There was once a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes, I is,
“But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
💥💥💥
As you can imagine I read hundreds of limericks a month but even I was taken by surprise when I read these four. Just goes to show you that even celebrated writers and authors have a real bitch of a time writing limericks. I’m sure that if of you took a few minutes, you could write better stuff than this. Only one of these four showed me something interesting and that was the one by Oliver Wendall Holmes. Read it carefully and see if you spot his clever efforts.
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