Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
I think the arrival of Christmas Day may be just a bit anticlimactic this year. Maybe not for you (if you have kids) but for me I’m afraid it could be. I bought my first presents back in July of this year in my lame attempt to get as much of the preparation done as early as possible. I accomplished that easily enough but little did I know there’d be a huge downside to it as well.
So today is the sixteenth of December and in about an hour I’ll be mailing off four Christmas cards to my family members. For all intents and purpose Christmas is already over for me, I’m just sitting around waiting for the day to get here. Then I can move on to the next holiday, then the next one after that, and on and on and on it goes.
‘And a merry little Christmas to you all.’
My attempt to do all of my shopping online this year was only 85% successful. Hopefully by next year I’ll have figured out a better way to do things. I purchased a number of gift cards this year from different business and will hand them out as needed but next year I’ll order them on line and have them mailed direct. Thank you ever so much Amazon. I can even get my regular gifts ordered online, have them gift wrapped, and sent on their way with a card. Easy peasy, right?
I know some of you out there will accuse me of having no real Christmas spirit. That I’m losing that personal touch by not elbowing my way through throngs of idiots to make my purchases. I’ll be forced to miss out on parking problems, arrogant store employees, and the many fine citizens who insist on being a-holes or even worse. I’ll certainly miss all of those high pressure sales people who love getting in my face to annoy and irritate me as I stroll through the mall. How can I possibly choose not to smell the body odor of hundreds of overdressed and sweaty shoppers. If that doesn’t get you into the Christmas spirit nothing will.
As you can plainly see, I’m bored out of my effing skull waiting for the day to finally arrive. Am I excited? Yes! Will the day meet and exceed my expectations? I can only hope. The only saving grace will be the grand children. A couple of excited smiles from them will make up for all the BS that seems to be more of a requirement these days than ever before.
EIGHT SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
And coming all too soon:
It’s easy to get on a lengthy sentimental journey of sorts during the Christmas season but with this posting I hope to avoid that. Christmas and all of it’s incarnations worldwide are interesting and strange to say the least. Here are a host of weird and strange Christmas factoids you may not be aware of but are true nonetheless.
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Japanese people traditionally eat at KFC for Christmas dinner, thanks to a successful marketing campaign 40 years ago. KFC is so popular that customers must place their Christmas orders 2 months in advance.
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Paul McCartney earns $400,000 a year off his Christmas song, which is widely regarded as the worst song he ever recorded.
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Mistletoe kissing originated with fertility rites. The hanging sprig is a very ancient symbol of virility and therefore anybody standing beneath it is signaling that he or she is sexually available.
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About half of Sweden’s population watches Donald Duck cartoons every Christmas Eve since 1960 .
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Mormon missionaries can only call home twice a year: once on Mother’s Day and again on Christmas.
Don’t you feel bad for poor old Paul McCartney. He reaped only $400,000.00 a year for a crappy song. Keep the lucky bastard in your Christmas prayers. And KFC for Christmas in Japan? That’s as weird as it gets.
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Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen is the only record to get the UK Christmas Singles Chart Number One twice, once in 1975 and again in 1991.
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Engineers designing the Voyager Space mission planned it to avoid planetary encounters over Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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The US playing card company ‘Bicycle’ had manufactured a playing card in WW2. That, when the card was soaked, it would reveal an escape route for POWs. These cards were Christmas presents for all POWs in Germany. The Nazis were none the wiser.
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The people of Oslo, Norway donate the Trafalgar Square Christmas tree every year in gratitude to the people of London for their assistance during WWII.
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The Christmas Tree is a manufactured tradition. Victorian intellectuals invented the tradition as part of a social movement to consciously reform Christmas away from its tradition of raucous drinking.
Hooray for Freddy Mercury and Queen. Their Christmas song just has to be better than McCartney’s. The Victorians did us no favors so bring back all that raucous drinking, please.
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Christmas as a "day off" is a recent innovation. As late as 1850, December 25 was not a legal holiday in New England.
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The Beatles hold the record for most Xmas number 1 singles, topping the charts in 1963, 65 and 67.
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The highest-grossing holiday movie is 2000’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas, which has raked in $175m so far.
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Hanging stockings comes from the Dutch custom of leaving shoes packed with food for St Nicholas’s donkeys. He would leave small gifts in return.
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There is no reference to angels singing anywhere in the Bible.
No angels singing in the Bible. Isn’t that just a giant kick in the ass? Personally I don’t think there was much singing at all in the Bible. People were too busy begatting and killing to have time for singing.
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Jesus was probably born in a cave and not a wooden stable, say Biblical scholars.
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In 1999, residents of the state of Maine in America built the world’s biggest ever snowman. He stood at 113ft tall.
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The holly in a wreath symbolizes Christ’s crown of thorns while the red berries are drops of his blood.
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Jingle Bells was the first song broadcast from space when Gemini 6 astronauts Tom Stafford and Wally Schirra sang it on December 16, 1965.
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Astronomers believe the Star Of Bethlehem, which guided the wise men to Jesus, may have been a comet or the planet Uranus.
I’m glad to see the state of Maine making the list. Although how proud can you be about a giant snowman. Snow is about all we have to offer except for a few billion pine trees.
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Santa Claus has different names around the world – Kriss Kringle in Germany, Le Befana in Italy, Pere Noel in France and Deushka Moroz (Grandfather Frost) in Russia.
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In Britain, the best-selling holiday song is Band Aid’s 1984 track, Do They Know It’s Christmas?, which sold 3.5 million copies. Wham! is next in the same year with Last Christmas, selling 1.4 million.
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US scientists calculated that Santa would have to visit 822 homes a second to deliver all the world’s presents on Christmas Eve, travelling at 650 miles a second.
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Despite the tale of three wise men paying homage to baby Jesus, the Bible never gives a number. Matthew’s Gospel refers to merely "wise men".
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There are 13 Santa’s in Iceland, each leaving a gift for children. They come down from the mountain one by one, starting on December 12 and have names like Spoon Licker, Door Sniffer and Meat Hook.
Another misquote from the Bible. Are you shocked? Not me. And thanks to all of those scientists for taking the time out of their busy work day to compute those figures. Get a life guys.
TWELVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s just seventeen more days to Christmas. I realize that’s not a big secret to any of you so let me continue. There’s seventeen days left until Christmas and for the first time in my life I’m suffering a little from sunburn. Can you believe that? The weather here in what is normally cold and snowy Maine defies belief. It’s been bright and sunny for the last week with daytime temperatures climbing into the mid fifties. U.F.B.
Two days ago I found myself digging into the storage area where I placed the deck furniture two weeks ago, looking for my chaise lounge. I dragged it out onto the deck and set it up in the place that gets the most sunshine at this time of the year. As I was doing that I couldn’t help thinking how absolutely crazy it was.
I was wearing a short sleeved “Guns and Roses” T-shirt and a pair of shorts which is also a bit ridiculous but "what the hell", I plopped down with a hot cup of hazelnut coffee and my I-Pod. I was able to relax for a few hours listening to a little Amy Winehouse and a lot of Harry Chapin. It was the most pleasant experience I’ve had in weeks. No cell phone calls, no annoying text messages, and no visitors. Just Harry, Amy, Me, and my cat. I have to consider this my first and best Christmas gift for 2015 and it’s one I gave it to myself.
As I stepped into the shower later after my workout I suddenly remembered that hot water on a semi-sunburned body hurts like hell. I received just enough sun on my arms, face, and neck to make that shower a little torturous. It was a good pain and if I’m really lucky I may get one more chance to do it again tomorrow since the weather forecasting geniuses are calling for more sunshine.
Another plus is that my tanned face will make my white beard look even whiter. I was asked by a toddler in line at a Walmart register a few days ago if I was Santa Clause and what could I say to the little guy? I lied through my teeth, of course, and told him “Yes I was”. I then asked him if he’d been a good boy this year and of course he lied right back at me. He said he’d been good all year. His mother was standing behind him smiling and shaking her head with a big "No". It made my day and I think it made his too. He got to meet, greet, and lie to Santa Clause. How cool is that?
This is slowly becoming the weirdest Christmas I’ve ever had and believe me that’s a good thing because I absolutely love "weird".
SIXTEEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I realized this morning that my Christmas spirit is a little different this year. In years past I’ve been identified by many people who care about me as being a bit of a Grinch. In other years they’ve considered me jolly and fun to have around in the holidays. Which is it this year?
I feel like I have a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on when it comes to Christmas. Most of the time my feelings for the holidays can go either way depending on who annoys me and who doesn’t. I have such mixed feelings about the whole Christmas deal it’s difficult at times for me to celebrate much of anything.
While I myself am not all that religious, most of my best Christmas memories come from a childhood where religion was a huge part of the celebration. I’ve pretty much given up on it ever being a religious holiday again because over the years it’s morphed into much more of a secular celebration where buying and receiving gifts is everything.
I’ve been forced to reevaluate my entire Christmas experience this year with a new attitude. I’ve decided to be the best damn consumer I can be and spend money a little more freely than usual. Without the cloud of religion things become instantly clearer. Be nice to everyone, spend a lot of money, and make it about the kids and not much else. At least the emotions I’ll see on their little faces will be genuine and that’s as good as it gets anytime. Finding anything genuine at Christmas these days is almost as rare as finding a few honest men.
So bring on the kids and hopefully some of their legitimate Christmas spirit will rub off on all of the cynical types like me. That’s my Christmas wish for this year.
AND A POLITICALLY INCORRECT “MERRY CHRISTMAS” TO ALL
‘No Thanks’
Why turkey? The tradition started with the Pilgrims struggling to survive and supposedly the Indians brought them food, they had dinner together, and so it began . . . but why turkey? It could just as easily have been lobster or maybe even groundhog. I doubt seriously if I would have enjoyed a big, fat, roasted groundhog for Thanksgiving every November for the rest of my life but it could easily have happened. We could have easily combined Groundhog Day with Thanksgiving and had Punxatawney Phil as an entre.
‘This is Phil’s cousin Bill’
I guess we can blame or credit one lonesome Indian out foraging for food for our Thanksgiving tradition that ended up lasting for hundreds of years. What we haven’t been told is that he took the good food home to his family and stuck the Pilgrims with some scrawny turkey he had left over. That tradition has also created a number of cottage industries like raising turkeys by the millions for our eager consumption and all of the accompanying paraphernalia required to prepare them.
‘Bill Before’
Don’t get me wrong I like turkey well enough but as a kid it was a special meal we had only once a year. These days we eat turkey year-round and have it readily available at food stores and even some gas stations and convenience stores. Not so special anymore, at least not for me.
‘Bill After’
This Thanksgiving is a unique one for both my better-half and for me. Most of our family members are spread across the country and the ones remaining in Maine are visiting other family in northern Maine. After some discussion we determined that because it’s just the two of us this year, we can do whatever the hell we like. They’ll be no turkey this year and trust me, there won’t be any roasted groundhog or lobster either.
This years feast will consist of some traditional items such as cranberry sauce, stuffing, corn, and squash. The meat of the day has been upgraded a little as well. Picture a large standing prime rib roast dripping flavor from every pore and as tender and soft as eating marshmallows. That’s what I call a proper dinner to give thanks for. I eat turkey on an average of three times a week and won’t miss having it on the table at all.
I hope this year goes well because this is a tradition that is long overdue and that I fully support. I may miss some of the turkey leftovers but truthfully I’ll get over it. I can taste and smell that prime rib already and it’s making my mouth water. A good bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and the fixings’ and we’ll both be fat, dumb, and extremely happy.
SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN PHIL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
I’m already on my third cup of coffee this morning and that good old caffeine buzz I’ve come to rely on has yet to rev my engines. I have a lot of errands to run today and need some serious motivation to get them all completed. The blessing is that my better-half is working which will keep her out of my hair (what little I have left) to prepare for her birthday dinner tonight. It’s difficult to get anything secret done around here and over the years she’s forced me to become even sneakier than usual.
She loves being surprised and each year that goes by it get tougher and tougher to come up with fresh ideas. I’ve purchased her a few gifts which I’m sure she’ll like because I am “The Man” when it comes to giving great gifts. As much as she likes being surprised I like doing the surprising. I can’t go into too many details because she reads this blog looking for clues. I’ve learned to be very careful in keeping important information as secret as possible.
She’s been feeling a little depressed coming into the holidays since it’s the first ones since the passing of her Mom. She’s usually a Christmas fanatic going totally bonkers with decorations and general X-mas silliness. She needs something to get her into the holiday spirit and I’m hoping we’ll have our first snowfall soon. That’s always been a kick-start for me and I think it will be for her as well. She’s also a shopping machine and quite possibly a few hours out in the crowds on Black Friday will help too.
I understand how she feels because I went through the loss of both my parents in the last eight years. My mother was a Christmas lunatic too and it’s still difficult to have Christmas and not think of her and my dad and Christmases past.
The saving grace this year will be the grandsons. Christmas has always been for the children and once the tree gets decorated and the kids come to visit, chattering on and on about Santa and reindeer, she’ll be just fine. They own her completely and a few smiles from them will make all the difference in the world. Then she’ll go crazy the last week before Christmas trying to make up for lost time which is what I’m hoping for.
Truthfully I’ve been a real Grinch for many years about Christmas but having the boys in our life is changing all that. I hope we both can find the holiday spirit once again. I’d love to have that feeling on Christmas morning like I did when I was eight years old.
It can’t get much better than that.
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Today feels exceptionally uninteresting. It’s a little blah, a little gray, and a little cold which means I’m suffering from a total lack of interest. I was just advised by my better-half that I’d be spending the better part of this day being dragged along on her shopping safari. Thank God I recharged my Kindle last night so I’m now good to go. That means I get to sit in the car and read while she shops.
If I use my head and offer up a little charm I might just convince her to buy me some sort of breakfast. I have a serious need for bacon and I need it right now. I swear it’s a worse addiction than cigarettes or coffee. It’s maybe the only thing that keeps these shopping forays bearable for me.
This blog needs a bit of a breather from stories about my life and times. Today I’ll supply the world with a few really useless but possibly interesting tidbits of information. It’s been a while since I’ve dished out a dose of these factoids and today’s the day. Here we go . . .
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The average American two-car garage is 25 percent bigger than the average Tokyo home.
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The European Union exports more to Switzerland than to China.
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During the first year of the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union, the Red Army issued 800,000 death sentences to it’s own soldiers.
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The first year in which there was no recorded lynching of a black American was 1952.
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There were 658 suicide bombings around the world in 2007 – more than double the number in any of the previous twenty-five years. Afghanistan and Iraq were responsible for 542 of them.
I didn’t say that all of the factoids would be funny or uplifting because life on this planet leaves a lot to be desired at times.
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In 1976, the United States had 30 percent of the world’s college students. By 2006, that had dropped to 14 percent.
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Intel employees collectively send or read 3 million emails a day.
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The Mafia accounts for 7 percent of the Italian GDP, more than any single business.
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There are as many fake doctors practicing in India as real ones.
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The average male orgasm lasts eight seconds, the average female orgasm twenty seconds.
I guess that last one explains a lot of things. Women not only orgasm longer but get to have multiples as well. That’s just unfair.
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In the United States, adult bookshops outnumber McDonald’s restaurants three to one.
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Napoleon often masturbated before going into battle.
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Red Bull is illegal in Norway, Denmark, and Ireland.
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In 2007, twenty-four people killed themselves jumping under Paris Metro trains. On the New York City Subway the figure was twenty-six, and on the London Underground fifty.
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Men produce twice as much saliva as women.
I think that’s enough for today. I wouldn’t want you to overdose on all this useless stuff. It’s Sunday, watch some football, drink a beer or two, eat some nacho’s and belch like you have a pair. That’s what I call “a day of rest”.
HAPPY SUNDAY
Well for the first time in over a year I missed a day I had scheduled for blogging. I’m as surprised as you are but that old adage of “sh*t happens” happened. I normally post on one day then workout the next and so on and so forth. I became a bit confused and distracted and lost track of the days when our out-of-town visitors were here. It wasn’t until after they left that I realized my error. So enough of that, let me get on with things.
We had such a good time with our visitor’s I’m not sure where to begin. We spent one afternoon in Kennebunkport doing some shopping and having dinner at Federal Jack’s restaurant. A couple bowls of clam chowder and a plate of fried clams were followed by massive platters of fish and chips. Wash that all down with a couple of incredibly excellent Goat Island Light beers and your good to go. So we went.
‘The best fried clams ever.’
The tourists have all fled southern Maine leaving the towns somewhat deserted as reflected by these photo’s:
‘In season.’
‘Off season.’
Federal Jacks just happens to be located directly above the original Shipyard brewery. Of course it’s mandatory with my better-half to complete any trip to Kennebunkport with a stop there too. It’s her own private Hajj.
A fun time was had by all. The food was delicious and the beer cold and refreshing. We took a slow leisurely ride home through Kennebunk where the streets were clogged with parents and costumed children enjoying their Halloween night festivities. We arrived home safely and enjoyed a good night’s sleep.
My next post will be day #2 of their visit where we spent a good part of that day playing tourist in the city of Portland.
We’re in the midst of one beautiful Indian Summer and we all hope it lasts all the way to Thanksgiving.
I’m still lying in bed this morning and wondering what this day will bring. I seem to be unmotivated more than usual and I’m trying to snap out of it but it isn’t working all that well. I just poured my second cup of coffee which I hope will jolt me enough to get me moving.
It’s been a week of cold nights, semi-warm days, and some of the weirdest nightmares and dreams I can ever remember having. The dreams started in earnest about five nights ago and I remember the details rather vividly. That in itself is a little usual and the fact that they’ve been extremely sexual is just a plus I suppose.
I’ve always loved dreaming and actually look forward to having them and remembering them. Dreams just fascinate me. I realize that almost everything we’ve ever seen or done in our lives is stored away in our brain somewhere but how that information is accessed and displayed in a dream is awesome and mysterious. It’s like having a time machine that makes it possible for us to drop into our past, see any number of old friends, dead family members, and some special situations with a twist of the weird thrown into the mix. I especially like the weird dreams and can only pray that I remember all of the juicy little details. As with everything the devil is always in the details and there seems to be plenty of devil in my dreams of late.
Dreams also make it possible to mend old relationships. Over the years my dreams have made it possible for me to develop a better relationship with my late father and to even mentally create a better relationship with a borderline horrible ex-wife. Little does she know all of the wonderful things she’s done for me and to me in my dreams. Some good, some really fantastic, and a few that were utterly disgusting. Oh baby!
In my dreams I’m always searching for something. I’ve either lost my car or can’t find the person, place, or thing I’m looking for. While I’m searching I run into people I knew or people I thought I knew and have some truly strange adventures. In many of these adventures I have the ability to fly which is really cool. I’m also naked in many of the dreams which can be troubling but it makes flying a whole lot more fun. I’m not sure why exactly but my dreams have gotten progressively more interesting as I’ve aged. I have no idea why and believe me I’m not complaining.
My morning caffeine is finally kicking in and this lemon poppy seed muffin is absolutely scrumptious. I’m almost ready to leap to my feet, throw on some clothes, and go do something. I’ll wait a few more minutes before leaving this bed because I desperately want to rerun the dream I had last night.
Where else but in a dream could I be snuggling up with a warm, naked, and exceptionally friendly, Lindsay Lohan. Up until last night I wasn’t even a fan but after that dream we shared I may have to reconsider her status. I’ve always considered her to be a somewhat sleazy character but in that dream she’s proven herself to be all that and more.
I can’t wait for tonight.
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