Today is as good a day as any to be silly. Here are fifteen quotes from a group of somewhat silly people. I do suspect some of them aren’t as silly as they seem to be.
“Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Men are superior to women. For one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.” Willl Durst
“Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched, whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.” Carry Nation
“Every time I look at you, I get the fierce desire to be lonesome.” Oscar Levant
“Women with pasts interest men because they hope history will repeat itself. Mae West
“Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.” Bob Rubin
“This gum tastes funny.” Sign on a condom machine.
“It’s OK to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will Durst
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Sigmund Freud
“Formula for Success: Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” John Paul Getty
“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.” Henny Youngman
“The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.” Gerald Nachman
“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” A. Whitney Brown
“Your medical tests results are in. You’re short, fat, and bald.” Ziggy
“My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.” Emo Philips
I ‘ve always enjoyed writing this blog because along with the fun interaction with readers I’m forced to continue my education into the use and misuse of the English language. Needless to say, after reading many of the somewhat illiterate emails I receive it’s obvious that more English needs to be taught at all levels of our education system and those of nearby countries. I suppose it would probably help a lot if the English language was mandated as the official language of this country, but until then my advice for potential legal immigrants is to learn passable conversational English and then go through the legal processes put in place to make you a future citizen. Unfortunately, that’s a subject for another day because today’s post is about WORDS.
Dr. Seuss is credited with the first use of the word “Nerd”.
The word “Geek” comes from the German word “geck” which means fool.
Another classier word for “stripper” is ecdysiast.
The longest made-up word in the Oxford English Dictionary is “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis”
In 1972 comedian George Carlin was arrested during a performance for publicly speaking seven unacceptable words: shit, piss, f*ck, c*nt, c**ksucker, motherf**ker, and tits. (I cleaned them up for all of you delicate types)
Only oysters, shellfish, and clams can be “shucked”.
There are 15 three letter words starting with the letter “Z”: zag, zap, zas, zax, zed, zee, zek, zep, zig, zin, zip, zit, zoa, zoo, and zuz. (That may help your Scrabble game)
The toughest tongue twister in the English language is “The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep is sick.”
The word “earthling” was first used in Science Fiction in Robert Heinlein’s 1949 novel Red Planet.
It seems that the whole world is fascinated by the American west and cowboy lifestyles in general. But I’ve noticed over the years, being a limerick collector, there seem to be a huge gap of limericks relating to that time period. I think today is as good as any day to begin remedying that problem. I’d like to give a shout out to the memory of the late Ray Allen Billington, who spent many years writing about the American West. He edited and authored twenty-five books prior to his passing in 1981 and many contained limericks. So, put on your cowboy hat, slip on those fancy leather boots and spurs, sit back and enjoy a few wild west limericks to help kick start your libido.
I’ve used the term “Fake News” on a number of occasions over the last few years out of frustration with the Mainstream Media. It now appears that those same networks are getting their proverbial asses kicked and I have only one thing to say – KARMA BABY! It’s about effing time! Sometime ago I discovered a small book titled “Fake News” which probably would help explain why it’s so difficult for me to take most mainstream media types seriously. In my opinion news reporting should be something to help the public to become aware of problems, trends, and occurrences and how to deal with them. They should be the ultimate Public Service announcements which serve a useful purpose. This book was a treasure trove of truly stupid and sensationalistic headlines that make it difficult to take the reporters (news readers) seriously. I’ll list ten actual headlines to make my point.
ALBERT EINSTEINS QUOTE ABOUT LIVING A MODEST LIFE SELLS FOR $1.3 MILLION DOLLARS
SELENA GOMEZ CONFESSES HER BIZARRE CRUSH ON BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR
ZOO MEERKAT EXPERT SENTENCED OVER ASSAULT ON MONKEY HANDLER
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST – BRITISH WOMEN DOES AND LOVES IT.
KFC LAUNCHES DRUMSTICK BATH BOMBS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE FRIED CHICKEN
CHUNKY RACCOON STUCK IN GRATE RESCUED BY FIREFIGHTERS
MAN ACCUSED OF PEEING ON FAMILY AT METALLICA CONCERT
POLE DANCING COULD BECOME AN OLYMPIC EVENT
SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT ELECTION DECIDED BY COIN TOSS
PETA WANTS TO FLAVOR TOFU WITH GEORGE CLOONEYS SWEAT
Today I felt like breaking with my long-held tradition to avoid discussing religion. This will be my gift to all of you believers out there. These facts are interesting and at times ridiculous. Get down on your knees say a prayer or two and drink a large glass of holy water. Let’s get started.
A Bible published in England in 1632 left out the word “not” in the seventh commandment, making it read “Thou shalt commit adultery.” It became known as “The Wicked Bible.”
The first Bible to be published in America was in the language of the Algonquian Indians.
The New Testament was originally written in Greek.
At six cubits and a span, Goliath’s height was somewhere between nine feet, three inches and eleven feet, nine inches.
In February of 1964 evangelist Billy Graham broke his lifelong rule against watching television on Sunday – to see the Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
When W.C. Fields was caught glancing through a Bible, he explained it with, “Looking for loopholes.”
The only domesticated animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
Brigham Young, the famous Morman leader, married his twenty-seventh, and last wife in 1868.
Sonny and Cher, at the start of their careers, appeared in Bible advertisements for the American Bible Society.
Moses was 120 years old when he died. Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, according to Genesis.
✝️✡️☯️☪️
My favorite all time religious trivia fact.
LOL
On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globe Trotter.
Being a blogger allows me to cover many areas of our society and to be as truthful as I can possibly be. The government would like everyone to think that we’re all equal, but we aren’t. We still have different classes of individuals based primarily on the amount of money they have or don’t have. Is it fair? No! Will it ever change? Again NO! If it does change, I’ll never live to see it and I doubt seriously if my grandchildren will either. Maybe once the AI Singularity occurs things could change but who knows how? Human beings adapt to their circumstances in weird ways. Give a poor person 10,000,000 dollars and he/she will change dramatically. After a time, they will likely become a bit elitest and arrogant when dealing with people beneath them (monetarily). Today’s post will supply you with a few examples of extremely rich people talking about their lives and being totally unaware that the rest of us aren’t well-to-do.
“Until the age of 12 I sincerely believed that everybody had a house on Fifth Avenue, a villa in Newport and a steam-driven, ocean-going yacht.” Cornelius Vanderbilt Junior
“I have had no real gratification or enjoyment of any sort more than my neighbor on the next block who is worth only half a million.” William K Vanderbilt, who was worth 200 million when he died in 1885.
On a visit to the Holy Land in 1887, Edmund de Rothschild, upon seeing the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem for the first time, commonly inquired if it might be for sale.
During the 1890s, when William Randolph Hearst’s New York Journal was engaged in a nasty circulation war with Joseph Pulitzer’s World, an accountant warned Hearst that he was losing $1 million a year. Hearst thought for a moment and replied, “At that rate I can only last another 30 years.”
After her sentencing . . . to a four-year prison term, Leona Helmsley spent 4 days in a private room at New York Hospital, a hospital to which she had pledged $33 million. The doctors there were very concerned about our health. Her personal doctor declared there would be a “fatal determination” if Leona had to go to jail. No one I have met knows what a “fatal determination” actually means wrote Dennis Dugan of Newsday.
And finally, a quote from my favorite sarcastic wiseass: Mark Twain. Who continues to show his concern for us poorer folks and a little sarcasm for the wealthier.
“I wish to become rich so I can instruct the people and glorify honest poverty a little, like those kindhearted, fat, benevolent people do.”
It’s said that most geniuses are borderline crazy. Herre are a few facts that might interest you.
MARK TWAIN
Mark Twain was born in 1835 in the year when Haley’s Comet could be seen from Earth, and fulfilling his own death prophecy, he died in 1910, the next time the comet cycled near the Earth, 76 years later.
The Museum of Modern Art in New York City hung Henri Matisse’s painting Le Bateau upside down for 47 days before an alert art student noticed the error.
Poet Ezra Pound wrote The Pisan Cantos while imprisoned in a U.S. army camp in Pisa, Italy. He had been arrested for treason because he had broadcasted Fascist propaganda from Italy during World War II. Eventually judged insane, Pound spent 12 years in a Washington D.C. mental hospital before finally returning to Italy.
Novelist Edgar Allan Poe was once a student at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. Poe flunked out in a particularly spectacular way. An order came for all cadets to show up for a full-dress parade “wearing white belt and gloves, under arms.” He followed the order all too literally, appearing wearing nothing but a belt and carrying his gloves under his naked arms.
EZRA POUND
Robert Lewis Stevenson (1850-1894) wrote Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a book of 60,000 words, during a six-day cocaine binge. He was also reported to have been suffering from tuberculosis at the time.
British writers Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis both died on November 22nd, 1963, the day of John Kennedy’s assassination.
American author Norman Mailer once stabbed his wife and then wrote a novel about it called An American Dream.
Both William Shakespeare and Miguel de Cervantes, who was considered by some to be Shakespeare’s literary equivalent, died on the same day: April 23, 1616.
Do you consider yourself a truthful person? As a young person I thought I was always truthful but as I aged, I discovered just how wrong I was. There have been many times that I used exaggeration to make a point clearer and more interesting but in fact that is actually being somewhat untruthful. I think I can safely say that everyone at one time or another plays fast and loose with the truth for any number of reasons. Here is a collection of comments and quotations about the truth that make a great deal of sense.
“The trouble with stretching the truth is that it’s apt to snap back.” Anonymous
“Truth is such a rare thing; it is delightful to tell it.” Emily Dickinson
“The man who speaks the truth is always at ease.” Persian Proverb
“If you speak the truth have a foot in the stirrup.” Turkish Proverb
“Truth is the anvil which has worn out many a hammer.” Anonymous
“Everyone loves the truth, but not everyone tells it.” Yiddish Proverb
“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.” Winston Churchill
“Craft must have clothes, but truth lives to go naked.” Thomas Fuller
“Truth is heavy; few therefore can bear it.” Hebrew Proverb
“Seldom any splendid story is wholly true.” Anonymous
And finally, a quote from one of my favorite people: Mark Twain
“When in doubt, tell the truth.“
And here’s one of my own:
“Always tell the truth and do the right thing regardless of the consequences.”
It’s another cold and miserable day here in Maine and I have no plans to leave the house at all. It goes against my common sense to go outside and freeze my ass off for no good reason. What better way to make a cold and miserable day a little more pleasant than to read some truly interesting yet captivating dirty jokes. Let’s get started.
A woman in her 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob in which a small knob is placed on the back of the woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman Immediately wanted The Knob. Over the years the woman tightened the knob when needed, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said honey those aren’t bags; those are your breasts. She said, well, I guess there’s no point in asking about this goatee.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The doc says, well it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS. “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what you should do, drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her.
The man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes him to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. and found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes. “Oh my God” said the man, what am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.” Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
😁😁😁
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
😜😜😜
The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
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