Archive for the ‘Quotations’ Category
🦃TURKEY DAY🍗
The human body is an amazing organism. It can create miracles by healing itself to survive unbelievably nasty injuries. That doesn’t change the fact that it can also be truly disgusting as we all know. Today’s Thanksgiving post will review some gross facts about the human body and the things that it has the ability to produce after eating a turkey and all the side dishes. A little gross but what isn’t. This should be on your mind as you chow down on your big meal today. LOL
URINE
The average person produces approximately 3 pints of urine a day. In the normal adult the bladder rarely holds more than about 3/4 of a pint of urine, with the urge to urinate coming at the 1/2-pint mark. More than one pint causes pain and an intense urge to urinate immediately.
FUN FACT: In Roman times gladiators would brush their teeth with urine and then gargle with it too. They believed it was good for their gums.
SPIT
Most people produce approximately 8 cups of spit a day. It’s produced by three sets of salivary glands around the mouth area. That works out to about 50,700 pints produced in the average human lifetime. Thats enough to fill a couple of large swimming pools.
VOMIT
In humans very often after one person begins vomiting, it triggers vomiting in others (emetophobia). Compared to other animals, humans are relatively light on vomiting. Big vegetarian whales vomit every 7-10 days to help get rid of anything inedible they may have swallowed by accident. Dogs not only vomit frequently, but they’ll also eat their own vomit. Probably the most vomitus animals, however, are cows, who digest otherwise in edible grass by regurgitating it into their mouths, chewing it for a bit, and then swallowing it over and over again.
FUN FACT: Emetophobia is the fear of vomiting and of being around others who are vomiting. It is the fifth most common phobia according to the International Emetophobia Society.
SNOT
Snot is a defensive function, stopping for example germs, dirt and pollen from getting into your lungs. The average person produces approximately 1/2 pint of snot per day. When you sneeze, up to six pints of air is blasted out of your lungs at approximately 100 miles per hour, along with any germs you may be carrying at the time. Sneezing is also the main way that illnesses like colds and flu are spread among humans.
FECES
If you add up all the time spent eating and drinking by an average human over the course of their entire life, it comes to approximately 5 years. This adds up to 33 tons of food, which is equivalent to eating six entire elephants. Unfortunately, what goes in must come out. Most of that mass is water that you lose through sweating, breathing, and peeing, or carbon that you breathe out in the form of carbon dioxide, while a lot of the rest goes into making new bits for your body that need replacing. The result is that during your lifetime you will produce a pile of feces about the size of a car.
FUN FACT: According to the World Toilet Organization, the average person visits the toilet approximately 6-8 times a day, or 2500 times a year, and spends three years of their life sitting on the toilet.
EAT UP, ENJOY YOUR MEAL, AND GO NAP ON THE SOFA!
I thought today I’d make a quick comment about some of the responses I received to my Inappropriate Humor dirty jokes post. For those of you out there that don’t read everything, that’s why I rated the post an “R”, and I put warnings in the graphics to keep it out of the hands of kids or the blind, dumb, and stupid non-readers. It never occurred to me that there were adults out there who would respond to humor like a bunch of babies. So, to all of you prudes out there, just get over it. If you don’t like what I post, stop reading the blog and go elsewhere. You won’t be missed.
This post is filled with pearls-of-wisdom posted at one time or another by that very famous writer and philosopher, Anonymous. Celebrities and politicians are forever looking for soundbites to get little attention, but Anonymous could care less about offending anyone. Here are fifteen quotes you may enjoy but if your one of the overly sensitive minorities I recommend you leave my blog now and go read the Bible . . . .
- “Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens.“
- “And an optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.“
- “There are few problems in life that wouldn’t be eased by the proper application of high explosives.“
- “Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.“
- “Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.“
- “Until I get married, I was my own worst enemy.“
- “Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.“
- “There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.“
- “Christmas is Christ’s revenge for the crucifixion.“
- “Cannibals aren’t vegetarians, they’re humanitarians.“
- “A politician can appear to have his nose to the grindstone while straddling a fence and keeping both ears to the ground.“
- “The relationship of editor to author is as knife to throat.“
- “My karma ran over your dogma.“
- “You can be sincere and still be stupid.“
- “Exercise daily, Eat wisely, Die anyway.“
I SURE HOPE NO-ONE GETS OFFENDED
(By the way: That was SARCASM!)
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I thought some moderately dirty jokes might put a smile on your face. So, SMILE!
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
😜😜😜
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of your thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make you blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.” The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy cutely winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. As the man moves over, the woman quietly asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?” “Good God!” says the man. Can it whistle too?
😛😛😛
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blowup doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replied the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up!”
🐸🐸🐸
Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? A. Kermit’s finger.
😁😁😁
The kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit his dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom, and I don’t think she told me their exact meanings.” Dad says, “I told you never to go to mom for these kinds of matters, she can’t handle them. “What are the words, son?” He tells him, “Pussy and Bitch.” Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the bookshelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Everything inside the circle is Pussy.” “Okay, Dad,” so what’s a Bitch?” Dad quickly said, “Everything outside that circle.”
🤩🤩🤩
Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everyone at the party except for you.
KEEP SMILING
31 SHOPPING DAYS LEFT!
SUPERSTITION IS THE POETRY OF LIFE, SO THAT IT
DOES NOT INJURE THE POET TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS.
(Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe)
BED SUPERSTITIONS
- It is said one should never sleep with their feet towards the door, because only corpses lie like that.
- Some believe it is very unlucky to get out of bed backwards.
- In Scotland, there is the belief that it is unlucky to leave the bed while making it. If the bed making is interrupted, the occupant of the bed will pass a sleepless night, or some much worse evil will befall him or her.
- Some believe that if three people take part in making a bed, there is sure to be a death in the household with in the year.
CELEB SUPERSTITIONS
- Lionel, Ethel, and John Barrymore always gave each other an apple on the night of a show’s premiere.
- Jimmy Connors wouldn’t compete in a tennis match without a little note from his grandma tucked into his sock.
- The late actor Jack Lemmon always whispered “magic time” as filming started on a new movie.
- American inventor Thomas Edison carried a staurolite, a stone that forms naturally in the shape of a cross. Legend has it that when fairies heard of Christ’s crucifixion, their tears fell as these little “ferry cross” stones.
- Actress Gretta Garbo always wore a lucky string of pearls.
- Mario Andretti the famous racecar driver would not sign autographs with a green pen.
- Actor John Wayne always considered it extremely lucky to be in a movie with fellow actor Ward Bond.
- Baseball pitcher Randy Johnson always ate pancakes before a game.
“SUPERSTITION BRINGS THE GOD’S INTO
EVEN THE SMALLEST MATTERS.”
(Titus Livy)
Here are a few old and bawdy limericks from years past. The “secret words” for today are VIRGINITY & MOTHERHOOD.
💥
A lady of virginal humors
Would only be screwed through her bloomers.
But one fatal day
The bloomers gave way,
Which fixed her for future consumers.
💥💥
A girl who lived in Kentucky
Said, “Yes, I’ve been awfully lucky.
No man ever yet
On my back made me wet,
But sometimes I feel awfully fucky.”
💥💥💥
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born.
And he wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
💥💥💥💥
There was a young girl from Penzance
Who decided to take just one chance.
So, she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
😏😏😏
WHO DOESN’T LOVE GOOD POETRY?
For many years I’ve considered myself a true “foodie”. I’ve always made a point to try damn near anything called food. Of course, that has changed dramatically as I’ve aged. Truthfully, I don’t really miss my entrees of “dog soup” and “cat spring rolls” I once tried in Korea. So, when I started collecting odd facts and trivia, food always seems to be mentioned in some fashion. Here are a few little-known facts about food I’ve collected. How many have your heard before?
- What is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box? Bingo.
- What is the American name for the British delicacy known as trotters? Pig’s feet.
- Under US government regulations, what percentage of peanut butter has to be peanuts? 90%.
- Who originally coined the phrase that has been appropriated as the slogan for Maxwell House coffee; “Good to the last drop”? President Theodore Roosevelt
- What recipe did Texas ice cream maker Elmer Doolin buy for a $100 from the owner of a San Antonio café in 1933 and later used to make a fortune? The recipe for tasty corn chips that was later marketed as Fritos. He made them at night in his mother’s kitchen and peddled them from his Model-T Ford.
- A California winemaker from Napa Valley once named a wine in honor of Marilyn Monroe. What was it called? Marilyn Merlot.
- What food product was discovered because of a long camel ride? Cottage cheese. An Arab trader found that milk he was carrying in a goatskin bag had turned into a tasty solid white curd.
- Peter Cooper, best known for inventing the locomotive “Tom Thumb”, patented a dessert in 1845. What was it? A gelatin treat that eventually became known as Jell-O when it was marketed in 1897.
- In 1867 Emperor Napoleon III had a chemist develop a food product “for the army, navy, and the needy classes of the population.” What was it? Margarine.
- What was the drink we know as the Bloody Mary originally called? The Red Snapper, which was it’s name when it crossed the Atlantic from Harry’s New York Bar in Paris.
THIS HAS BEEN A LOW CARB POSTING
As you can imagine, I am continually on the lookout for anything humorous. Sometimes I get lucky and find a gold mine and other times I find myself severely disappointed. Recently I was out surfing sites for anything I could find, and I stumbled upon a book of 1001 one-liners, short jokes, and puns. I admit a preference for bawdy humor, but I thought I’d take a chance, and I bought this book. I’ll withhold my opinions, and you can decide whether I got taken or not.
- I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.
- I like to drink my brandy neat but sometimes I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
- I must’ve eaten too much salmon. I just ran up an escalator that was coming down.
- A sandwich walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
- My girlfriend told me she’s leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
- I heard a rumor that they were giving away horse manure at a local fair, so I went down there to check it out. It was bullshit.
- I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but during the night he keeps the sheets off my legs.
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
- A man entered a local newspapers pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
There you have ten questionable jokes. I really believe I got taken on this purchase.
Here’s one of the few that I actually enjoyed:
I just saw a large singer with a laptop. It was a Dell.
SPECIAL THANKS TO GRAHAM CANN
- Dominoes originated in Asia around 1100 A.D. They were, and still are, used as a divinatory tool and not just a game of numbers.
- Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are at least 50 years old.
- The egg plant is a member of the thistle family.
- The first city in the United States to fluoridate its water was Grand Rapids, Michigan in 1945.
- The first state in the United States to use the gas chamber was Nevada in 1924.
“Everybody loves you when you’re six feet in the ground.”
John Lennon
- In Los Angeles in 1976, a woman legally married a 20 pound rock with 20 guests present.
- Former United States president Gerald Ford changed his name when he was 22 – a good thing, because his birth name was Leslie Lynch King, Junior.
- John Lennon’s killer, Mark David Chapman, was a church group leader. It is said that he would lead sing-alongs to the tune of Lennon’s song “Imagine,” during which he would change the lyrics to “Imagine there’s no John Lennon.”
- The Code of Hammurabi in Babylon specified that a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many
things that escape those who dream only at night.”
Edgar Allen Poe
🤡🤬🤖
EMBRACE YOUR WEIRDNESS
Cara Delevingne
Here are a few limericks concerning food. They aren’t that bawdy, but they should still be considered “food for the soul”. So, enjoy them all especially the one with those juicy cantaloupes.
💥
By Ed Cunningham
As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merv,
“This meal will be brief,”
Said the cannibal chief,
“For this is at best an hors d’oeuvre.”
💥💥
By Charlotte McBee
A greengrocer’s wife, named Yvette,
Took her cantaloupes out (for a bet).
A couple of felons
Made off with her melons,
And they’ve not apprehended them yet!
💥💥💥
By Val Pohler
A young lady too fond of meringue
Let concerns for her figure go hang.
She consumed them in tons,
Along with cream buns,
Until she went off with a BANG!
💥💥💥💥
By Frank Richards
There was an old man of Peru
Who watched his wife making a stew.
He said, “It’s too thin.”
So, she pushed him right in,
Saying, “Nobody’s thicker than you!”
💥💥💥💥💥
TA DA!
I can tell that today is not going to be a fun day. First of all, this is a “change of season” month, and I find from years of experience that “change of season” months usually suck. The clouds are gray, the sky is gray, the garden plants are all dead, all the “cool” birds have headed south for the winter, and I’m hip deep in effing leaves. Here’s my good survival tip for living in Maine. You must always and I do mean always have an electric blanket somewhere nearby for heat emergencies at this time of the year. Last night I earned a “7” out of ten on my electric blanket. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. not for my normal bathroom visit but because my teeth were chattering so loud, I was waking up the cat. I’m just not ready for this crap weather and the coming winter. Maybe it’s just old age creeping up on me which tends to be happening more and more these days.
As the years go by, I’ve given a lot of thought to my final days, and I’ve discovered that only two things really matter at that point. If you want to leave some sort of legacy all you need to do is leave two things: a self-written epithet for your headstone or (for you urn people) a really cool quote for your final words. Today’s post is a list of the final words of a few well-known people. Some are profound and some are not, you be the judge.
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946) stated to his nurse: “Go away. I’m all right.”
- Brigham Young (1801-77) stated “Amen”.
- George Washington (1732-99) stated to his doctor, “Doctor, I die hard, but I’m not afraid to go.”
- Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919) “Please put out the light.”
- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) “Drink to me.”
- Elizabeth I (1533-1603) “All my possessions for a moment of time.”
So how would you all like to have a homework assignment. If you’re so inclined, send me your epitaph and last words and hopefully by then I’ll have mine done and will I’ll post them.
(MINE REMAIN A WORK IN PROGRESS)
everyuselessthing.com 