Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
The electric blanket remains at level six this morning as I lounge here and try to decide what this day will bring. The better-half works only a half day today which I fear means more Christmas shopping in my immediate future. Fortunately I recharged my Kindle and my Surface last night and feel I’m ready for almost anything.
I suspect I’ll end up sitting in front of the computer for the afternoon as I’ve been doing for most of the last week. I’m preparing and editing some of the blog postings from the last year that will be included in a blog book I’m having made. I do this each year and have collected quite the library. It does take an investment of time but I love having the ability to go back to my library to insure I’m not repeating things over and over again and boring my readers.
Once that little project is completed I can return to the sorting and indexing of my archive of photographs. I currently have almost twenty thousand pics which need reviewing. I’m determined to eliminate everything that isn’t just perfect which will take a great deal of time. Since I have most of those pictures already backed up on my personal cloud, I’ll be able to recover a great deal of hard drive space on my desktop which is badly needed. I’ll also need to stock up on more extra strength Tylenol to help me with the headaches I anticipate are to come. It doesn’t take much screen time to put a severe strain on my eyes.
With Thanksgiving just two days away I’m in no rush to accomplish much. The better-half and I can relax for a few days after enjoying our laid back holiday celebration. She’s already mentally preparing herself for Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and all of the other shopping days that have been created to allow retailers to pelt us with junk mail, TV ads, and spam. I like spending time with her but any shopping done in and around Thanksgiving is not all that enjoyable for me. I get a little claustrophobic in large crowds and prefer to avoid them whenever possible.
I’m about to spring into action but every time I try to get up the bed and that damn electric blanket keep calling me back. The coffee is starting to kick-in which will eventually force me to my feet and to get ready for the day.
ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAY
‘No Thanks’
Why turkey? The tradition started with the Pilgrims struggling to survive and supposedly the Indians brought them food, they had dinner together, and so it began . . . but why turkey? It could just as easily have been lobster or maybe even groundhog. I doubt seriously if I would have enjoyed a big, fat, roasted groundhog for Thanksgiving every November for the rest of my life but it could easily have happened. We could have easily combined Groundhog Day with Thanksgiving and had Punxatawney Phil as an entre.
‘This is Phil’s cousin Bill’
I guess we can blame or credit one lonesome Indian out foraging for food for our Thanksgiving tradition that ended up lasting for hundreds of years. What we haven’t been told is that he took the good food home to his family and stuck the Pilgrims with some scrawny turkey he had left over. That tradition has also created a number of cottage industries like raising turkeys by the millions for our eager consumption and all of the accompanying paraphernalia required to prepare them.
‘Bill Before’
Don’t get me wrong I like turkey well enough but as a kid it was a special meal we had only once a year. These days we eat turkey year-round and have it readily available at food stores and even some gas stations and convenience stores. Not so special anymore, at least not for me.
‘Bill After’
This Thanksgiving is a unique one for both my better-half and for me. Most of our family members are spread across the country and the ones remaining in Maine are visiting other family in northern Maine. After some discussion we determined that because it’s just the two of us this year, we can do whatever the hell we like. They’ll be no turkey this year and trust me, there won’t be any roasted groundhog or lobster either.
This years feast will consist of some traditional items such as cranberry sauce, stuffing, corn, and squash. The meat of the day has been upgraded a little as well. Picture a large standing prime rib roast dripping flavor from every pore and as tender and soft as eating marshmallows. That’s what I call a proper dinner to give thanks for. I eat turkey on an average of three times a week and won’t miss having it on the table at all.
I hope this year goes well because this is a tradition that is long overdue and that I fully support. I may miss some of the turkey leftovers but truthfully I’ll get over it. I can taste and smell that prime rib already and it’s making my mouth water. A good bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and the fixings’ and we’ll both be fat, dumb, and extremely happy.
SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN PHIL, YOU NEVER KNOW.
I’m posting a little later than I like today. I was stolen away by my better-half for a day of errands and Christmas shopping. I wasn’t thrilled but I’m trying to work on improving my Christmas spirit this year so I’ve been smiling and nodding a lot. That was my first mistake.
For those of you unfamiliar with Maine the “Holy Land” of shopping is the town of Freeport located approximately 10 miles north of Portland along the coast. It’s a small town composed primarily of an endless supply of outlet stores from damn near every retailer you can name. It’s always been a tradition for us and most Mainers to do some of our Christmas shopping there and to spend more than a little time doing it.
This year was the first time we’ve actually gone to Freeport before Thanksgiving and Black Friday (Thank God). The stores weren’t too crowded and finding parking was a snap for a change. Our first stop was my favorite place called Mexicali Blues. It’s actually a modern day version of what once was considered a “head shop” minus the bongs and roach clips.
If you like extremely bright colors and off-the-wall apparel, this is the place. I never miss a chance to visit and I always buy something interesting. Today I picked up a few wild and crazy stocking stuffers for some of the family members. I just love the place.
Smoke a fat doobie, sit on the sofa, and contemplate on this bird. That’s sure to get your head and your Christmas season kick-started. If you choose to do that I’d recommend a huge bag of Lays wavy potato chips and lots of wine.
Another stop that is always mandatory in Freeport is a visit to L.L. Bean. The crowds were small and the better-half was able to take her time (like always) and buy a few small things for the family.
I waited until the appropriate time to start complaining. I was hungry, I needed coffee, my feet hurt, and anything else I could think of. Being subtle with the better-half is a losing battle. I just have to blurt things out until she gets tired of hearing me. Sometimes it takes a while but it always works eventually.
We made it home in record time and I was able to put anther day of shopping hell behind me. I guarantee you I’ll be hiding for the rest of the holiday season in places the better-half won’t look. Wish me luck, I’ll need it.
This post will probably be confusing for some of you because there isn’t any rhyme or reason behind what I’ll be writing. I’ve been very busy of late with a lot of little stuff that needs to be handled before the holidays officially arrive. Just keep your hands and feet inside the car, this ride may get a little bumpy.
My life has changed dramatically in the last month due to my elimination of live cable television. I’m happy to announce that I haven’t watched more than ten minutes of commercials, ads, or television shopping channels for over a month. It took me a few weeks to get the hang of streaming and I’ve been able to locate and avoid those few channels that still insist on running commercials. It’s truly a game changer. I have more freedom to watch what I please when I please and no scheduling of my time in order to watch a specific program. No more waiting for commercial breaks to make bathroom runs, I just hit the pause and Ta Da. I also like watching what once was an hour long show in 43 minutes, minus all those damn commercials. Life has gotten seriously better.
The better-half’s birthday has come and gone and was a great success. She loved her gifts, the wine, and that big, fat, medium rare T-bone steak. I tried to be as romantic as possible and I think I pulled it off rather well. Here’s my lame attempt at a table setting on our crazy retro dining room set.
I’d like to officially thank the cow that made the ultimate sacrifice for our meal. Tender and soft as marshmallows washed down with a semi-sweet Merlot. Yummmmm!
I’ve been diligently working towards having all things Christmas, purchased, wrapped, and hidden away by Thanksgiving. That will free up my time between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be the better-half’s decorating slave. First the tree, then the lights, then tinsel, then motorized talking and singing toys scattered throughout the house. I can only pray that my first gift will be a noise-cancelling headset.
Here’s some bad news. Last night I was strong-armed into watching the first Christmas movie of the season. That’s right, a Christmas movie on November 15. Please just shoot me now.
Three days ago I was dragged kicking and screaming to the Mall. It was a typical mall trip which bored the hell out of me. I ended up sitting in the middle of the mall surrounded by herds of screaming kids being chased by their parents. Thank God for my Kindle. The best part of my visit consisted of my standing near a small kiosk and allowing a really hot young lady to place heat packs on my neck. I let her go on and on with her sales pitch and finally walked away without making a purchase. My neck felt a lot better and so did my morale. 
I have a few more gifts to wrap today and I think I’m be totally finished with Christmas preparations. With that goal being met I think I’ll then deserve a tall, cold, and refreshing Gin and Tonic later this afternoon.
I hope your holiday craziness isn’t too overwhelming. Before you know it 2016 will be here and we can start preparing for next Christmas. Are we all insane or is it just me?
After admitting in my last post that I had an addictive personality got me to thinking. I thought I knew myself pretty well when I was able to admit that I was also claustrophobic. One phobia isn’t all that bad or so I thought. I decided to dig into the Everyuselessthing archives to learn more about phobias. I’m not sure that was such a great idea. I discovered a list of phobias that aren’t commonly known and I think I may suffer from a few more than previously thought. Here are a few examples:
Arachibutyrophobia – fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Automatonophobia – fear of ventriloquists’ dummies.
Coulrophobia – fear of clowns.
Geniophobia – fear of chins.
Phobophobia – fear of fear.
Pteronophobia – fear of being tickled by feathers.
Rupophobia – fear of dirt.
I’ll only admit to having two additional phobias from that list and there isn’t a chance in hell I’ll tell you what they are. As I finished denigrating myself for all of my stupid phobias I received an email from a friend in KC. He’s a senior + senior citizen who’s been an internet rat since it’s inception. It was a ‘Hi, How are you?’ message ending with AMBW. I answered him quickly because I had no freaking clue what that meant. I know LOL, WTF, and a few others but never really felt the need to learn more. His AMBW means All My Best Wishes. There seem to be so many of these in use I decided to find a few more. These were a small sampling of texting acronyms I’m sure I’ll use only sporadically.
A3 – Anytime, Anywhere, Anyplace.
AFAIR – As Far As I an Remember.
ASAFP – As Soon As F**king Possible.
OMFG – Oh My F**king God.
AAI – Allah Already Informed
BITCH – Babe In Total Control of Herself
CFI – Complete F**king Idiot
CRST – Can’t Remember Sh*t
If any of you ever decide to send me a text or email containing these sort of acronyms please include detailed explanations as well. Life’s way too short for me to waste my time trying to figure them out.
One last bit of amusement to entertainment you. Years ago I was a police officer for the state of Pennsylvania. Early in my career I was in the patrol unit and spent a great deal of time investigating accidents, both trivial and serious. I thought I’d heard all the stupid reasons people offer up to explain their accidents but these samples taken from actual insurance reports were new even to me.
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.”
“The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”
“As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”
“I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.”
You just can’t make this stuff up. Most of these were way better than the stories I was told but just as funny. I think I’ve had enough of this for today. I have errands to run, pictures to take, coffee to drink, and people to watch.
ENJOY THIS DAY, I KNOW I WILL.
I’m one of those boring people who feels the need to constantly examine my life. I look at my past and judge myself, I look at my present and judge myself, and finally I look at my possible futures and judge that too. Also if I’m given the opportunity I’ll judge you as well. So not only am I a borderline addictive personality I’m a bit judgmental.
I’ve always suspected I had issues with addiction but never tried to delve into the why’s and wherefores until now. My list of addictions is long and began back when I was just an newborn infant. Here’s my list from my formative years in no particular order of importance:
Breathing
Breasts
Breast milk
Diapers
I was able to finally work through those minor addictions without the assistance of an expensive rehab program. I was well on my way to puberty where my list began to grow and become more interesting.
Breasts
Legs
Butts
Pornography
Sex
Puberty not only changed me physically but also intellectually. I understood at age thirteen that these addictions unlike my toddler list would likely become permanent. And guess what? I was somewhat correct. I resigned myself to learning to live with my addictions and to make the best of them. It was a dirty job but I stepped up and made the required personality adjustments to deal with them.
My teen years were interesting and a little frightening. My list again changed but was still manageable:
Sex
Breasts
Legs
French Blondes
Cigarettes
Beer
Pornography
College brought more changes and not all of them good. As the list increased so did my stress levels as you can plainly see:
Sex
Oral Sex
Brunettes
Blondes
Red Heads
Breasts
Beer
Whiskey
Marijuana
Wine
I learned a lot in those years but realized my life was in a rut so I dropped out of college and enlisted in the Army one step ahead of the draft board. This began another long, interesting, and scary adventure. Once more my list expanded a bit:
Sex
Oral sex
Oriental Women
Black Hair
Whiskey
Coffee
Cigarettes
Beer
Marijuana
Speed
Adrenaline
Wine
I returned home a few years later, much wiser and a much less addicted person. I was able to rid myself of many of my stupid addictions over the next two decades. Here are the final results after many years of really hard work:
Any Sex
Breasts
Coffee
Reading
Photography
Computers
Chocolate
Wine
Exercise
As you can see most of the exciting addictions in my life have slowly faded away. They were fun while they lasted but were discarded when they became dangerous or harmful. I’m now a much wiser and more boring person and I have to admit as I sit here quietly judging myself, I miss some of them a lot.
My list is certainly smaller but less dangerous and easily managed now. I expect this final list will remain with me forever.
The only addiction that stayed with me from infancy to the present day are “Breasts”. There’s no rehab programs to help me deal with them and I’m pretty happy about that. So thanks again Mom for the one lifelong addiction I’ve enjoyed the most and will continue to enjoy until the lid slams shut. I’d love to see the 12 step program for that addiction.
I know one thing for sure, I’d never miss a meeting.
Say goodbye to October everyone. This last month has just flown by and once again ended with no Halloween trick or treaters at our house. Depending on how you look at it, it could be both a good thing and a bad thing. Being in a rural area with very few toddlers around, we’re usually safe from pranksters and vandals and that’s a good thing. The bad thing is for my better-half who prays for costumed kids to show up in great numbers. These days she’s forced to pour all of her Halloween craziness on her grandchildren and she does . . . in spades.
Our out-of-town visitors arrived yesterday afternoon, intact and tired after an eight hour drive through NJ, NY, CT, MA, NH, and finally Maine. With this recent burst of warm weather we decided to do a little grilling on the deck. It’s likely to be the final time we’ll be using the grill this year and next week it will be winterized and stored away. Here’s a quick shot of the kabobs just before hitting the grill. They were yummy.
If that does make your mouth water just a little you may have a serious problem. The food was excellent and gave everyone a chance to sit back and relax and catch up a little.
I’m up early this morning and enjoying a cup of strong and hot coffee. I fed the cat and he apparently enjoyed his breakfast because he just strutted into the man-cave looking for a comfortable place to plop. After all he desperately needs that 18 hours of beauty sleep every day. I’ll give him about ten minutes and he’ll be out cold for a few hours. If you haven’t figured things out just yet, he’s also retired.
‘A big fat lazy cat.’
I hear people waking up in the house and if I know my better-half there’ll be quiche in my future within the hour. More hot coffee, some crispy bacon and if I’m sneaky enough I might snatch one of the last two chocolate éclairs leftover from last night. Who says life isn’t awesome some times.
Today will include a visit to see the grandkids and possibly some shopping. I hope the weather clears a little so I can get a few good shots of the group.
MORE LATER
I always try to plan ahead for ideas for this blog but today I’m having a difficult time concentrating. I’m a lover of all new technology and make it a point to stay up to speed with new software and hardware as it comes available. Today is one of those days that computer junkies fear the most. No working internet connection.
We had a moderately heavy rainstorm last night and things were fine when I crashed into bed at 1 am. I awoke this morning and my internet connection is dead. While my in-house network is still functioning thanks to a battery backup unit, good old Time Warner’s internet feed is missing in action. Unfortunately our house is located in a semi-dead spot for internet, GPS, and telephone reception. I have range extenders for damn near everything but they also run in conjunction with the internet.
In order for me to make or receive calls today I’ll be forced to drive a few hundred yards up a nearby hill near the house to get just two bars. My alarm system is sending me text messages on the phone (3G) telling me the system is off. Damn, tell me something I don’t know.
In the past the system usually comes back on-line very quickly but not today. It’s been four hours already and still nothing. And of course their telephone lines are busy, busy, busy.
Let’s kill some time today while I wait for the internet to return by revisiting some things I truly enjoy and that’s limericks. I’ve collected many, written a few, and they always seem to lean to the naughtier side of things. Some of the best I’ve ever seen have come from Great Britain because they’ve been writing them for centuries and have some of the naughtiest and funniest. I’ll try to keep todays collection naughty but nice and I’ll skip the x-rated stuff for now. Here’s five of my fav’s.
#1
With a maiden a chap just begat
Bouncing triplets named Pat, Nat, and Tat;
Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding;
As there wasn’t a spare tit for Tat.
#2
There once was a young lady named Hilda
Who went out with a top body-builder;
He said that he should,
That he could and he would,
And he did and it damn near killed her.
#3
A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well-versed;
Reads the sign at the head
Of her well rumpled bed;
“The customer always comes first”.
#4
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was incredibly bent;
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And, instead of coming he went!
#5
As the elevator car left our floor,
Poor old Sue caught her boobs in the door;
She yelled a great deal,
But had they been real,
She’d have bellowed considerably more.
***
‘And one from an anonymous kid.’
Hopefully some time today I can get these posted but I’m at the mercy of the Time Warner road crews. Here’s one of my own limericks I wrote after living in Maine for more than ten years. No names have been used to protect the somewhat innocent.
There once was a young lady from Maine
Who ruined her dress with a stain.
She thought she was clever,
But her mother knew better,
And asked “What the hell is his name”.
It’s now been eight hours without the internet and it just came back on. “Better late than never.” should be scrawled somewhere on Time Warner’s Logo.
ENJOY YOUR DAY
I’ve been accused on any number of occasions by any number of people of being impatient. Not just a little impatient but brutally so. Over the years it’s become less of a problem but in my younger days it was truly a bitch to deal with me. I wished on many occasions that I could loosen up enough to keep myself from going a little bonkers but it was difficult.
I was reasonably successful in most of my career endeavors and while impatience kept me focused and motivated it tended to irritate and annoy many others. Procrastination in others was my second biggest complaint and those that reported directly to me paid a price if they were so inclined. I have no regrets about those years to be sure but even today procrastination makes me a wee bit crazy.
Over the years my impatience has prompted many posting on multiple blogs concerning the over use of advertisements on TV and just about everywhere else. It made most forms of entertainment difficult for me to watch because of all of those annoying interruptions and distractions. Then my prayers were finally answered . . . . . . Netflix.
Watching television or movies and having total control is something that takes a little getting used to. No more sitting and waiting for shows to begin, no constant interruptions with stupid ads, and the ability to pause the show and return at my convenience. It’s freaking awesome. I also subscribe to Amazon which is very similar to Netflix in some ways and is money well spent in my opinion.
Unfortunately I use the ROKU service to connect my televisions to the Internet and most of their extra services and channels are filled with ads causing me not to often use them. ROKU provides an excellent gateway for streaming but paying them additional fees for programming and movies over and above the cost of their devices remains annoying. My ever present impatience with anyone who insists on trying to remove money from my wallet keeps me looking for better alternatives every day.
Being free from the clutches of cable TV now makes changing companies very easy too. No more contracts, everything is month-to-month, and more vendor possibilities are being created almost weekly. If a company is dumb enough not to cater to their customers then I will move on to someone who does. For a change we the consumers finally have a modicum of control over our costs and time like never before.
Hooray for us!
I’m still lying in bed this morning and wondering what this day will bring. I seem to be unmotivated more than usual and I’m trying to snap out of it but it isn’t working all that well. I just poured my second cup of coffee which I hope will jolt me enough to get me moving.
It’s been a week of cold nights, semi-warm days, and some of the weirdest nightmares and dreams I can ever remember having. The dreams started in earnest about five nights ago and I remember the details rather vividly. That in itself is a little usual and the fact that they’ve been extremely sexual is just a plus I suppose.
I’ve always loved dreaming and actually look forward to having them and remembering them. Dreams just fascinate me. I realize that almost everything we’ve ever seen or done in our lives is stored away in our brain somewhere but how that information is accessed and displayed in a dream is awesome and mysterious. It’s like having a time machine that makes it possible for us to drop into our past, see any number of old friends, dead family members, and some special situations with a twist of the weird thrown into the mix. I especially like the weird dreams and can only pray that I remember all of the juicy little details. As with everything the devil is always in the details and there seems to be plenty of devil in my dreams of late.
Dreams also make it possible to mend old relationships. Over the years my dreams have made it possible for me to develop a better relationship with my late father and to even mentally create a better relationship with a borderline horrible ex-wife. Little does she know all of the wonderful things she’s done for me and to me in my dreams. Some good, some really fantastic, and a few that were utterly disgusting. Oh baby!
In my dreams I’m always searching for something. I’ve either lost my car or can’t find the person, place, or thing I’m looking for. While I’m searching I run into people I knew or people I thought I knew and have some truly strange adventures. In many of these adventures I have the ability to fly which is really cool. I’m also naked in many of the dreams which can be troubling but it makes flying a whole lot more fun. I’m not sure why exactly but my dreams have gotten progressively more interesting as I’ve aged. I have no idea why and believe me I’m not complaining.
My morning caffeine is finally kicking in and this lemon poppy seed muffin is absolutely scrumptious. I’m almost ready to leap to my feet, throw on some clothes, and go do something. I’ll wait a few more minutes before leaving this bed because I desperately want to rerun the dream I had last night.
Where else but in a dream could I be snuggling up with a warm, naked, and exceptionally friendly, Lindsay Lohan. Up until last night I wasn’t even a fan but after that dream we shared I may have to reconsider her status. I’ve always considered her to be a somewhat sleazy character but in that dream she’s proven herself to be all that and more.
I can’t wait for tonight.
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