I was watching Peacock Network last night and made the mistake of tuning in a show where Snoop Dog and three moron friends reviewed videos of stupid people, both criminal and criminally stupid. Between all of the F-Bombs and gratuitous crap about weed, I was bored to tears. So today I’ll give you my written version of that and nary an F-Bomb will be heard. Stream this Doggy boy!
DONT ASK R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver’s license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
WRONG ALIBI In Springfield, Mo. Vernon Wayne Richmond, 18, stood up in court to give the details of his crime as part of a plea bargain to cocaine possession. Richmond said he found cocaine, put it in his pocket, and then was arrested by police after a Wal-Mart guard detained him. Unfortunately, Richmond had misunderstood which of his cases the plea was for. Actually, the district attorney was prosecuting him for an earlier arrest for having cocaine in his car and was unaware of the Wal-Mart arrest.
LAY THAT PISTOL DOWN, BABE In Annapolis, Md., during a celebration of Gregory Johnson’s 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waistband of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized.
Most of you readers enjoy the limericks I post but even more seem to enjoy the limericks created by kids. Here are a few more selections for your amusement.
I’ve been associated with Law Enforcement both as a police officer and also as a private citizen. I’ve seen a lot of things that were more than a little strange and some more than a little scary. So, when I stumbled upon this list that I’m about to post I wasn’t all that surprised. In the past I’ve posted about some strange laws still on the books in this country, but this list takes the cake. This is about weird sex laws gathered from a number of states and to say they’re a little bizarre is an understatement. Here we go . . .
In Harrisburg, PA, there’s a law against having sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
In Newcastle, WY, there’s a law against having sex in a butcher shop freezer.
In Clinton, OK, it’s illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
In Tremonton, UT, you aren’t permitted to have sex in an ambulance.
In Alexandria, MN, it’s illegal for a man to have sex with his wife if he has the smell of onions, sardines, or garlic on his breath.
In Willowdale, OR a husband cannot talk dirty in his wife’s ear during sex.
In Ames, IA, there’s a law against a man drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
In Ventura, CA, there’s a law against cats and dogs having sex without a permit.
In Kingsville, TX there’s a law against two pigs having sex on Kingsville Airport property.
WELCOME TO THE LAND OF THE FREE AND THE HOME OF THE WEIRD
Who doesn’t use cliches? You probably use one or two every day and don’t even realize it. I once wrote a four-minute speech using nothing but dozens of cliches strung together. I loved the challenge but the thirty people I read it to weren’t the least bit impressed. I really dislike people who can’t take a joke. Anyway, one other thing I love to do is to trace back into history to discover who originally came up with the cliche. Here are a couple just for you.
“By the skin of one’s teeth.”
“By the skin of one’s teeth” specifically is a (slightly misquoted) biblical phrase that means to have suffered “a close shave”.
My bone cleaveth to my skin, and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth. Job 19:20
😯😯😯
“A chip on one shoulder.”
There is an ancient proverb, “Hew not too high less chips fall in thine eye.” By the late 16th century, this health and safety warning had become something of a challenge, a dare to a fearless woodcutter to look high up without regard to any falling chips of wood.
😕😕😕
“The hair of the dog that bit you.”
The phrase likely originated in the 16th century. Back then, if one was bitten by a mad dog (which was likely to be suffering from rabies), It was accepted medical practice to dress the wound with a burnt hair of the dog, as an antidote. Amazingly, this cure was recommended for dog bites for about 200 years before its efficacy was finally brought into question.
As someone who’s crazy for limericks of all kinds, I thought I’d introduce a new contributor to this blog. The name is John Ciardi, and he was a close friend of Isaac Azimov, my favorite limerick author. They partnered up back in the 70’s and wrote a book of their limericks. It was a limerick war between the two as part of their competitive friendship. I’ve blogged many of Azimov’s limericks and I think it’s only fair to give Mr. Ciardi equal time. Here are a few of his gems.
Over the years I’ve consistently stated that I was not a fan of organized religions. You can disagree or agree, that’s your privilege. I also don’t participate in religious holiday celebrations either. That being said, I know many of you do. Here is my contribution this year to add to your holiday cheer. We always need a little humor thrown into the mix.
Robert just graduated with a degree in Clinical Psychology and opened his first office. After some successful advertising he was astounded to have nearly 200 people wanting to be in group therapy. Robert decided to rent a large hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, he decided to ask for a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asked for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asked, how many had sex once a week. This time a larger number of hands were raised. Robert then asked how many had sex once or twice a month. Again a few hands were raised. After he polled his group several more times, he noticed John sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. He also noticed that John had never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. John stated proudly, “Once a year!” Robert then responded, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year??” John smiling from ear-to-ear responded, “Tonight’s the night!”
Today is the start of a better day than yesterday. Today I’m assured of at least another year before the cancer might return. A good doctor’s report makes for better days ahead. I can stop obsessing over this whole cancer deal until October when I’m due to be scanned again. So, what better way to pass the time than throwing some bad poetry your way. I wrote this many years ago during what I used to call the I-don’t-give-a-shit days. And believe me, I had plenty of them.
❤❤ It’s near in the mist. ❤❤ It watches and waits, as its urges flicker to life. A stroke of the hand, a kiss in the dark, and a seed is spilled near your wife. Some call it desire, others haven’t a clue, I see it near you!
I have to admit that my choice of reading materials is vast. I’ll read just about anything I can get my hands on at any given moment. With that in mind, I stumbled upon a book recently filled with euphemisms of all kinds. I’m going to start posting some of these euphemism lists over the next few months because they are hysterically funny. That being said, me being a man, I thought the first list would contain 45 nicknames for penises. Don’t worry girls the list for women’s vaginas is five times as long as the one for men and I’ll be posting that list as we go forward. Speaking for myself, I’ve never ever named my penis. It amazes me that so many men do. Let’s get started . . .
The Bazooka, A Bit of Hard, A Bit of Stiff, The Bone, A Boner, Captain Standish, The Cockstand, Coleen Bawn, Crack a Fat, The Cunt Stretcher, Fixed Bayonets, A Full, The Golden River, A Hard-on, The Horn, In Ones Best Clothes, In One’s Sunday Best, An Irish Toothache, Jack, A Lance at Rest, The Marquess of Porn, Morning Pride, Old Hornington, Old Horny, Be on the Stand, Be Piss Proud, Be Proud Below the Navel, The Rail, The Ramrod, The Reamer, The Rose in Ones Levi’s, The Roaring Horn, Roaring Jack, The Rock Python, The Spike, The Stalk, The Standard, The Standing Member, Standingware,, Stiff and Stout, A Stiff One, Stiffy, A Toothache, A Wood, A Woody . . . .
I’m pretty sure if I were making this list, it wouldn’t be as lame as these. It’s obvious to me that the guys who contributed to this list weren’t all that proud of their little (no pun intended) friend. One more fact for you. I will not be naming my penis in this post. He already knows who he is and needs no further introduction. I promise that if the day comes when I think it’s necessary to ID him, I’ll post it immediately.
everyuselessthing.com 