I went out early this morning to do a little food shopping and I noticed something that’s been bugging me for a while now. It seems to me that people these days are just criminally boring. One of the few pleasures that I’ve had over the years has been locating and reading funny bumper stickers. Those types of bumper stickers are damn hard to find anymore and I’m not sure why. I guess we can thank the WOKE generation for all of those good influences (that was sarcasm). The only thing you see these days are decals on their rear windows telling the entire world how many kids they have, what pets they have, what sports they like, and what schools they attend. It’s like a shopping list for perverts and pedophiles.
One of my favorite things when I purchased a new car was to always find just the right bumper sticker. Many years ago, I purchased a cute little orange Gremlin. It was a cool little car, and I immediately chose an appropriate bumper sticker that said, “Honk If Your Horny.” I received lots of comments from a variety of people and it was always good for a chuckle or two. I once loaned that car to my sixty-five-year-old very Catholic mother for her weekend shopping trip to Pittsburgh. When she got home, she couldn’t wait to tell me how friendly the people in Pittsburgh were because they were honking and waving to her wherever she went. I didn’t have the heart to tell her about the bumper sticker, but she eventually found out. Funny, she never asked to borrow that car again.
I just never see those interesting kind of bumper stickers anymore. Here are a few samples of bumper stickers that are still out there but they’re few and far between. Most drivers these days are deathly afraid of offending someone. So, with that being said, here are a few you might enjoy but be careful about who you show them to, they might get offended.
I’m looking for true love, but I’ll settle for cheap sex.
Ask me if I care.
Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.
Love is a four-letter word.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
See Dick drink. See Dick drive. See Dick die. Don’t be a dead Dick.
Nobody’s ugly after 2 A.M.
Fight Crime. Shoot Back.
Ask me. I might.
It is as bad as you think, and yes, they are out to get you.
I always make a point of searching out odd facts from as many sources as possible. Today’s list is what this blog is really all about, totally useless information and totally useless statistics. Some are humorous and some are silly but never doubt my ability to come up with useless information that has absolutely no value whatsoever.
Thirty-nine percent of women who think their legs are fat still wear short skirts.
In seventy-five percent of American households, the women manage the money and pay the bills.
If the population of China began walking past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
There is a lawsuit filed every thirty seconds in the United States.
Approximately 30,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
Forty-five percent of cat owners buy holiday gifts for their pet.
A four-year-old child asks an average of 437 questions a day.
The average American spends eight years of his life watching television.
The average human produces 50,000 pints of spit in a lifetime – the equivalent of two small swimming pools.
The average person over the age of 50 will have spent a year of their life looking for lost or mislaid items.
“I think about this fact every time I eat a gummy.”
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
It’s a slow day here in Maine, it’s raining, it’s gray, and I need something to make me smile. I decided to share some of those things with you. Enjoy!
A couple just got married, and on the night of their honeymoon before making passionate love, the wife tells the husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” The husband, being shocked, replies, “How is this possible? You’ve been married three times before.” The wife responds, “Well my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was . . . Oh, do I ever miss him!
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden, the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells, “SUPER PUSSY!” The old man says, “I’ll just have the soup.”
The old man went into the confessional and told the priest, “Father, I’m 81 years old and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to 2 18-year-old girls. Twice!” “I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?” “Never”, Father,” replied the old man, “I’m Jewish.” The priest asked, “So why are you telling me about it?” The man answered, “Hell, I’m telling absolutely everyone!”
Thor, the God of Thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman and they spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor decides to reveal his true identity, saying, “I am Thor!” The woman looks at him and replies, “”Your thor! I’m so thor I can hardly pith.”
Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blow job?
A. Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blow job.
Is there anyone out there who doesn’t think the media is a problem these days? I do miss the days of reading newspapers because there were so many inaccuracies and misstatements, it was fun just to search them out and have a laugh or two. Now if we want to read a newspaper you got to go online and sign up for their website, fill out a form with all of your information, and agree to accept all the crappy spam they decide to send you. Then they can and will sell your information to damn near anyone. In the past I’ve made a lot of fun of the written media only because there’s so much information out there that’s worth a laugh or three. Apparently, the worst job you can have in written media is being an editor. It’s also apparent from the information I’ve been reading that if they have editors, they aren’t all that bright. Here’s a short selection of headlines from newspapers and I cannot believe any alleged editors were doing their job. Here we go . . .
Statistics Show That Mortality Increases Perceptively in the Military During Wartime What editor in his right mind let this one slip through?
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Unbelievable!!!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted We live in a time of geniuses.
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach I wonder if he’s required to wear a robe for that.
Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One There some good dating advice . . . NOT!
Eye Drops Off Shelf OMG!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly It May Last a While Another Rhodes scholar.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency Thanks to the tobacco lobby for this one.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier than Clean Ones, Study Shows Another genius observation.
Fish Lurk in Streams This might be great for a Bass Pro Shop logo.
I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
After two weeks of nonsense and having discussions with so many alleged experts on blogs, I’ve been returned to normal (whatever that means). Fortunately, I’m rather bald these days so it wasn’t possible to tear the rest of my hair out. Talking computers and blogs with a host of super-nerds from California to the Carolinas made my head hurt and awakened a rage in me that I forgot I had.
I’ll be posting tomorrow to get back on schedule posting only on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.
I hope WordPress understands that my earlier post covered in “poop” emoji’s was written during a frustrated fit of anger. I still love you guys.
I love people with a well-developed sense of humor, and I enjoy making people laugh. Since I now have a stand-up comic in the family, I pay even more than usual attention to on-line comics and what’s currently the rage. I have a number of comedians that I’ve been addicted to for years but unfortunately a few have passed on, but their comedy is alive and well and still makes me howl with laughter. I truly miss Sam Kinison and Ralphie May. Current comics Bill Burr, Brad Upton, and of course Sara Tiani are some of my USA favorites. Great Britain offers up Bob Mortimer, Jimmy Carr, Sarah Milliken, and Greg Davies, who are always laugh-out-loud funny. Yes, I love comedy so why wouldn’t I search out some humorous quotes from a few well-known stars.
“Ooooo. Ahhhhh. Get out!” Andrew Dice Clays impression of a one-night stand.
“My wife gives good headache.” Rodney Dangerfield
“Losing my virginity was a career move.” Madonna
“Sex after ninety is like shooting pool with a rope.” George Burns
“The main result of feminism has been the Dutch Treat.” Nora Ephron
“My plastic surgeon told me my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.” Phyllis Diller
*****
ANONYMOUS (Always LOL)
“Churches welcome all denominations but prefer fives and tens.”
“An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.”
“Truth is the safest lie.”
“When confronted with two evils, a man will always choose the prettier.”
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.”
“Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener.”
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Over the last month I’ve posted a few times about the decade of the 1980’s. Those posts seemed to grab the attention of quite a few people, and I didn’t really understand why. I lived through the eighties, but I was a little disconnected from reality at the time (thanks to marijuana) and a seven-day work week. I had just started a new business and wasn’t paying much attention to the people and the goings-on of the country. To say I’m an expert on the 1980’s would be a lie but being the nosy person that I am I decided to do a little research into that time period. I also decided to test myself with a ten question 1980’s trivia challenge. To be honest, I failed miserably. Here are the ten questions of which I was able to correctly answer just four. I guess it just doesn’t pay to be oblivious to the world around you. I’m listing the answers so even if you cheat, no one will ever know. Enjoy!
What was the last number one song of the 1980’s? “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins
What company advertised its denim jeans as “for the American way of life”? Zena, by Zena Gilbert
What was the name of Al Pacino’s character in the 1983 Brian de Palma film Scarface? Tony Montana
What actress starred opposite the title character in the 1986 film Howard the Duck? Leah Thompson
What is the A in TV’s ALF stand for? Alien
Which of these NASA space shuttles did not fly in the 1980’s? Endeavor
What was the name of the boat involved in the Donna Rice scandal that sank Gary Harts 1988 presidential run? Monkey Business
What product was introduced with an Orwellian TV commercial entitled “1984”? Apple Macintosh
Who hosted the syndicated game show Love Connection when it debuted in 1983? Chuck Woolery
What pain reliever was pulled from store shelves in 1982 after a Chicago-area tampering case killed seven? Tylenol
Being retired has had one advantage I never bargained on and that was “streaming”. I retired in 2008 and “streaming” hadn’t really come into its own just yet. Today I’m even more hooked on television than ever before due in part to another new term of the 21st century, “bingeing.” I’ve watched hundreds of newly produced shows from Netflix and others as well as thousands of the old shows. I rediscovered just how much I truly disliked most of them back in the day. I’ve now gotten to the point where I’ve seen all I want to see of most of the more familiar streaming services and watching all those old shows is just pure torture. I really don’t need to see a once young, buxom and sexy Suzanne Somers romping around or reruns of All in the Family. The attraction there is still watching Sally Struthers strutting her stuff before a few of her things (two in particular) had begun to sag. I’ve been spending more and more of my time reading my Kindle or rummaging through my library to read actual books. I decided today’s trivia facts about the Cinema were more than a little appropriate for all you cinephiles out there.
What was the name of the mechanical shark in the 1975 smash hit Jaws? Bruce
Robert Redford was paid $6 million for his role in the 1985 film Out of Africa. How much was leading lady Meryl Streep paid? She received $3 million.
At an MGM option in 1970, two items went for the top price of $1500. One was the full-size boat used in the musical Showboat. What was the other? Judy Garland’s size 4 1/2 red shoes from the Wizard of Oz.
Who coined the phrase “cameo role” to describe the appearance of a top movie star in a bit part? Showmen Mike Todd, when he produced the Oscar-winning Around the World in 80 days in 1955.
OMG – YUM!!
What two tough guy actors turned down the role of the avenging “Man with No Name” in Sergio Leone’s spaghetti western A Fistful of Dollars before Clint Eastwood was offered the part? James Coburn and Charles Bronson. Henry Fonda was the first choice, but he was too expensive.
In 1980, who were the Top 10 box office stars in Hollywood, according to the nation’s film exhibitor? From 1 to 10: Bert Reynolds, Robert Redford, Clint Eastwood, Jane Fonda, Dustin Hoffman, John Travolta, Sally Field, Sissy Spacek, Barbra Streisand and Steve Martin.
Why was popcorn not permitted in most movie theaters in the 1920’s? It was deemed to be too noisy.
How old was actor Jeff Bridges when he made his screen debut? Four months. He appeared as a crying baby in the 1950’s film The Company She Keeps.
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