I come from a long line of dog lovers. My parents always had multiple dogs for many years. My father ran a training kennel for beagles and our home and yard was always filled with twenty to thirty puppies. I spent my formative years feeding, grooming, and shoveling many wheelbarrows loads of 💩💩. If I was being punished for any reason (and there were many), I was forced to clean the kennels in my bare feet during a rainstorm. Yes, you guessed it, I am not a dog person. I love most dogs but the ones I like best are those that are owned by someone else. I love playing with dogs and they love playing with me but then I get to go home, and they don’t. I’m sure some of you dog lovers out there will be moaning and groaning over this post but the truth is the truth. I’m a decades long cat lover. To help you get through this post here are a few “dog” jokes for all of you “dog” people and I hope they make you smile.
A dog walks into a bar, he jumps up on the barstool and says to the bartender, “Hey, today’s my birthday. Do I get a free drink?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the toilet is around the corner.”
Q. What’s a dog’s favorite wine? A. “Please, please, please throw my ball”!
A great Dane walks into a bar and calls to the bartender, “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . water.” The bartender looks at the Dane and says, “What’s with the long pause?” “These?” the dog asks, looking down at his feet, “I’ve had them all my life.”
Being a former police officer has gone a long way to make me skeptical of virtually every person I talk to. I’ve mellowed over the years but in my dealings with people I’m still very careful. I decided recently to clean out some old files from cabinets in the man cave and a lot of that material was collected during my years as a cop. The following items are actual statements made to traffic accident investigators by drivers who caused the accidents. These are all actual statements made on actual police reports by actual lunatic drivers. Read them, enjoy them, and please don’t use them if you ever have an accident.
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”.
“The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.”
“I was taking my canary to the animal hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
“I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.”
“The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I with my right front bumper removed his left rear taillight.”
“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.”
“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
“I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became smashed.”
Now that my blog has returned to something close to normal, what better way to start fresh than having aslightly off-color Limerick Alert. I thought I’d start out with this first limerick that hopefully will be appreciated by all of you poets out there. I’m sure you’ll recognize the reference to one of my favorite poets as soon as you see it.
I occasionally make good-natured fun of women. Admittedly they can be funny as hell but it’s more of an excuse for me to irritate my better-half. Guess what? It works every time. She never fails to try and even the score in any number of ways but even then, I find her attempts at humor even funnier. Today’s post contains a lot of one-liners that will make most of my women readers smile and possibly giggle. The guys may cringe a little and call me an ass but IDC. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re beyond help anyway.
What is a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don’t like the idea of a stranger making ninety percent of their decisions.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is coming.
Why do only 10% of men go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.
TEN THINGS MAN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
1. They have pussies.
2 – 9 ???
10. They have breasts too.
What’s the difference between a penis and a prick? A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.
What is the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Because breasts don’t have eyes.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, men will screw anything.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I’m trying desperately to remain cool here in my man-cave. Our house is not airconditioned so needless to say I’ve been spending most of my time in my cave which is so much cooler than the upper floors. I’ve located fans all around to help keep my computer system from overheating and it also helps to have a fridge nearby filled with cold beer, chilled wine, and icy cold water. I’ll remain here until the weather breaks or until hell freezes over, whichever comes first.
So, let me think. What could possibly make a hot and steamy day better? Hmm! Raunchy limericks immediately come to mind, and I intend to share a few with you.
Oscar Wilde passed away in Paris in 1900. He spent the last few years of his life penniless and eventually died of neglect. He was a master playwright, poet and intellectual who was well known for his thousands of epigrams. It seems to me he would have been much more successful if he’d been born in the 20th or 21st century. To experience his wit and knowledge on an open forum talk show would have been absolutely amazing. Today I’ll post a few of my all-time favorites of his epigrams. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have over the years.
No great artist ever sees things as they really are; if he did, he would cease to be an artist.
Never trust a woman who tells you her real age; a woman who tells you that will tell you anything.
The proper basis for a marriage is mutual misunderstanding.
Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
To regain my youth, I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or become respectable.
*****
Here is one of my favorite quotes of his and it is partially responsible for the creation of this blog.
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information around.”
I am an old fart. It’s not an easy admission to make regardless of your age but when you get to a certain point you just have to face it. I see it in the eyes of people that I deal with on a regular basis, that look of sadness when they remember how I once was. None of us seniors are looking for pity, but that look is a little disrespectful. Aging is something we all have to deal with in our own way but never underestimate a person with white hair, a bit of a potbelly, and a curmudgeonly attitude. All of you younger folks will realize how tough the transition to old age is soon enough when your time comes. So, I’ll do my best to help you understand what you’re in for. Here is a little old-fart humor that may help you understand what I’m talking about.
An old woman was feeling suicidal following the death of her beloved husband. So, she decided to use his old gun to shoot yourself through the heart. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden, she asked her doctor precisely where the heart was located on a woman. “Just below your left breast,” he answered. Later that night she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, wearing nothing from the waist down. “Grandpa, what you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? “The old man looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandmother’s great idea.
An 80-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of 21. His trusted friend and advisor, the local banker, had serious doubts as to how long the old man would be able to satisfy such a young and agile bride and feared for his friend’s happiness and safety. So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony, he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand to help around the ranch, knowing full well that the hired hand could possibly help out in the bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back. The rancher thought it was a great idea and agreed. Four months later, the banker called his friend. “How’s the new wife working out?” he asked. “She’s pregnant,” replied the old man. The banker smiled knowingly. “And how is the hired hand?” The old man replied, “Oh, she’s pregnant too.
How do you know when you’re getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
How is your memory? Can you remember all of the nursery rhymes from your childhood? Most of them were kind of lame and luckily after a long period of time they’re lost from memory. Today I’ll supply you with three 21st century versions of some of the old rhymes that you can carry around in your memory banks for a decade or two. I actually enjoy these rhymes way more than all of those old and tired ones from my childhood.
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
It’s time for some limerick history. As you may be aware I collect limericks from all sorts of sources. Recently I purchased a few small used books from an online thrift bookstore. Buying books in bulk is always a risk but sometimes it pays off with pleasant surprises. Today’s limericks were published in a small inconsequential book of just sixty pages in 1960. It’s been 64 years since then and many of the limericks in the book were collected from even older sources. They are officially titled “Laundered Limericks” meaning many were cleaned of obscenities to get them printed but still contain some vulgarities. I’d probably rate some of these as PG but that’s for you readers to decide.
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