Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
This winter weather here in Maine remains fickle. Fifty degrees one day, then fog the next, ten degrees the third day, and freezing rain and black ice the next. I’ve pretty much given up listening the the forecasters because they apparently don’t have much of a clue either.
With February almost gone we’re within six weeks or so from seeing winter start to fade away. Overall it’s been one of the better winters since I moved to Maine. Temperatures were mild up until Christmas and we’ve only had one snow storm worth mentioning. Without a doubt the best part is how much money we’ve saved on home heating oil. Warmer temperatures and a serious drop in price from $3.40 a gallon to a $1.35 have kept a smile on our faces all winter. We’ll probably end up saving between five and eight hundred dollars in heating costs this season.
We took a ride through the surrounding area last week just to see what was happening. As always here in Maine we stumbled on wild turkeys a number of times. With most of the snow cover already melting they’re able to feed in more locations than usual. Here they are . . .
Maybe they’re the true harbingers of Spring and not that dumbass gopher in Pennsylvania.
With the rediscovery of my creative juices I’ve been working on two projects steadily for the last week. I’ve finished one and in another few days I’ll finish another. I won’t post too much of either until they’re both complete. Here’s a shot of a two square inch portion of the first. It’s a little strange but that’s how I roll.
Just for a laugh I thought I’d send out a truly tasteless joke. It made me laugh out loud for some reason but it’s sure to irritate a few of the ladies out there. That’s too bad . . . but here it is anyway.
A women went to apply for a job as a truck driver. Not too keen on the idea, the personnel manager for the trucking company said, “You have to be pretty tough to cut it as a truck driver, you know.” I’m tough, I really am,” said the eager applicant. “Well, do you smoke and drink?” “Yes of course.” “Do you cuss a lot?” asked the interviewer. “You bet you asshole, “ said the woman. “I cuss like a lumberjack.” “So have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” “Well, no,” she admitted, “but I’ve been swung around by the tits a couple of times.”
Please no moaning . . . everyone needs a dirty joke once in a while even if it is a little corny.
C’MON SPRING
I decided to step away from a journal entry today and offer up some unusual tidbits of presidential trivia. Since the political winds are once again beginning to blow I thought it might interest some of you. This information has been chosen at random and I’m not picking on any one party. To be sure, there’s enough useless information coming out of both parties to make everyone happy. Here we go. . .
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Edith Wilson, the wife of Woodrow Wilson, often rode a bicycle in the corridors of the White House.
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Richard M. Nixon once worked as a carnival barker.
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Thomas Jefferson had a pet mockingbird that followed him upstairs to bed every night.
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First Lady Abigail Adams, wife of John Adams, used to hang laundry in the White House East Room to dry.
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David Rice Atchison, a state senator from Missouri (1843-1855), was President of the United States for one day.
Who knew we had a president for just one day? I can think of quite a few others I would have loved to have for only one day.
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Calvin Coolidge, President from 1923 to 929, was the last President to write his own speeches.
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President Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.
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Ronald Reagan received over seventy-five thousand gifts, including three hundred seventy-two belt buckles, a dog house, a six foot long pencil, and a four-square-foot portrait made out of ten thousand jelly beans.
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When Zachary Taylor became President in 1849, he kept his horse “Old Whitey” on the front lawn of the White House.
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Ulysses S. Grant was once arrested near the White House and fined twenty dollars for driving a team of horses too fast.
I don’t doubt for a minute that Grant was probably under the influence of some unknown alcoholic beverage. That’s the same guy who once upon a time allegedly threw up on one of his officers .
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The middle initial “S” in President Harry S. Truman’s name didn’t stand for anything.
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John Tyler (1790-1862), 10th president, was unable to get a decent job after leaving office and worked at a village pound tending cows and horses.
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Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919), once delivered a one-hour speech in spite of being shot moments before by a would-be assassin.
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President George H.W. Bush banned broccoli from the White House in March 1990, the California broccoli growers delivered nine tons of the vegetable to Washington.
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President Millard Fillmore, in 1851, became the first chief executive to use a bathtub in the White House.
Here’s a special bonus entry for JFK. He was known for a lot of questionable shenanigans but I’ll be nice and take the high road today. He was also the first President born in the twentieth century.
That should do it for today. More to come. . .
I’m in a mood this morning. I have yet to decide whether it’s a good mood, a bad mood, or a I-don’t-give-a-damn mood. It depends more on my interactions today with other people than anything else. Normally I look for something funny or at least a little humorous to set me on the right track for the day but I’m actually feeling like taking a trip down the wrong road. This road leads to tasteless, gross, and raunchy humor. Be warned.
I think I’ll throw in a few filthy limericks, a dirty joke or two, some raunchy riddles, and anything else I can think of. Some of these items and photos might even gross you out a little but hopefully not too too much. Over the years I’ve purchased a number of books in old book stores filled with questionable humor and today I intend to share some of their contents with you. So let’s get started.
Riddles
Q. What’s the difference between frustration and panic?
A. Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you find out you can’t do it the first time.
Q. When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head?
A. You have to pull the sheets out of your ass!
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A. A rooster clucks defiance!
Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in the masturbation contest!
Jokes
A young up-and-coming executive was informed that he would be forced to take a thirty percent pay cut. Later that evening he was discussing with his wife ways in which they could trim some fat from their household budget. “Honey,” he said, “if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could fire the cook.” “Well, dear,” she replied, “if you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardener.”
A urologist claimed that he could find any disease just by testing a person’s urine. One man, who had tennis elbow, decided to fool the doctor. He made an appointment, received his specimen bottle, and was told to come back the next day. That night he urinated in the bottle, then his wife did, followed by his daughter, and the the family dog. Then he masturbated into it as well. He returned the next day with his sample and gave it to the doctor for testing. Four hours later the doctor returned. “You know,” he said, “it took me a long time, but I think I’ve finally got it. Your wife has VD, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has mange, and if you’d quit beating off, you wouldn’t have tennis elbow.”
Limericks
All these small cocks (of which we won’t dwell)
Looked no bigger encouraged to swell; I’ve endured the tedium
Of others, classed medium,
But at last – I’ve discovered XL.
Said a President prone to give pecks,
To those areas other than necks:
“Although this is sultry,
It is not adultery –
I’m not even sure if it’s sex!”
-dedicated to Bill Clinton
A well-endowed chap with a cock,
Several sizes too big for his jock,
Eventually found
It was far better wound
Round one leg and tucked into his sock!
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam;
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that, on earth,
There were only two balls – and he had’em.
Well there you have it. What better way to start off your day and the weekend. These were just a rather tame samples of what’s to come (no pun intended). The next time I’ll use the harsher and crazier stuff.
Most of us are considered members of TV generations. We were all raised in front of a TV, ate supper while watching TV, and knew nothing about current events that wasn’t told to us by all of the famous talking heads like Walter Cronkite.
Since I love all things trivia and also old TV shows I thought for a change of pace I’d give you all an opportunity to flex your trivia muscles. I’ll give you ten questions and then in my next posting on Ground Hog Day I’ll supply the answers. Most of these questions are tough and they’ll certainly test your trivia knowledge. Here we go:
Questions
1. What was the address of Big Bird’s nest on TV’s Sesame Street?
2. How many fingers does Mickey Mouse have on each hand?
3. What was the name of the church to which comedian Flip Wilson’s character Reverend Leroy belonged?
4. What role did Art Carney play in the Jackie Gleason’s first Honeymooner’s sketch?
5. What famous Hollywood star turned down the part of Marshall Mat Dillon on TV’s Gunsmoke before James Arness was offered the part?
6. On what TV show did comic Robin Williams first appear as the alien Mork?
7. How did the TV sitcom Sanford and Son get it’s name?
8. What was the name of the USS Enterprise in the original draft for the Star Trek series?
9. On TV’s sitcom Petticoat Junction, what were the names of the three Bradley girls and their uncle?
10. What was the name of the attorney on the Flintstones who never lost a case?
BONUS QUESTUION - At what age did Lucille Ball become a redhead?
For all of the answers check my posting for 2-2-2016. If anyone gets more than five answers correct, they are true trivia champs.
Here’s your first dose of totally useless information (Trivia) for 2016. I can only assume many of you readers will be spending some time this year in your tavern of choice and many of you will attempt to participate in some sort of Trivia challenge or bar bet. Since it’s obvious to me from some of the emails and comments I receive that many of you drink regularly you will probably need these factoids to help you out a little. This information is my New Year’s gift to you so let’s get started with a few items about the Internet.
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The time spent deleting spam emails costs U.S. Businesses approximately $10 billion annually.
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The highest publicly reported amount paid for a domain name is $7.5 million in stock options, to buy business.com.
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Thirty-five billion emails are sent each day throughout the world.
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Thirty-two percent of all singles think they will meet their mate online.
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The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
Now for a few more interesting facts concerning our new beat friends . . . our cell phones.
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More than fifty percent of the people on the earth have never made or received a telephone call.
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Approximately 1,314 phone calls are misplaced by telecom services every minute.
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There are 150,000,000 cell phones in use in the United States, more than one for every two human beings in the country.
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As much as eighty percent of microwaves from cell phones are said to be absorbed by your head.
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A Belgian couple were married by short message service (SMS) because text messaging played such a big part in their relationship.
Now for what you’ve all been waiting for. A few tidbits of information on our ever so interesting and at times nasty bodily functions.
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The average heart beats 2.5 billion times in a lifetime. The heart beats about 100,000 times each day.
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The body gives off enough heat in thirty minutes to bring a gallon of water to a boil.
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A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
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A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands. There are about one trillion bacteria on each foot.
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During a kiss, as many as 278 bacteria colonies are exchanged.
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The body loses half a liter of water a day through breathing.
This was just the first of many trivia postings you can expect this year. I think it’s time for this blog to start living up to it’s name. You can’t have too much useless information in your life and I’m here to guarantee that you get yours.
‘Christmas Eve in Maine.’
How is your holiday season progressing? Are your preparations ahead of schedule or behind? Is your Christmas tree real or artificial? Are your kids driving you crazy yet? Has your alcohol consumption increased progressively with the holiday pressures? All really good questions but as we all know they’re rhetorical.
The drumbeat of Christmas is getting louder each day. I go to sleep thinking about what I’ve accomplished that day and wake up thinking about all of the stuff that I still need to accomplish today. I am so full of Christmas cheer I could scream out loud. After rereading this paragraph I think I discovered something else I must be full of. You get my drift, right? I’M LOSING IT MAN!
Here is my kitchen table as I found it this morning:
Trust me when I tell you the entire living room and family room look exactly like it as well. I’m knee deep in Christmas and there’s still 18 shopping days left. It could take us until sometime in February to repack all this stuff and I can’t wait. At least the damn cat seems to be enjoying himself:
I haven’t had my breakfast yet but since I can’t eat in the kitchen I may retire to the deck and eat there. That’s right, the sun is shining and it’s still warm enough to sit outside and have breakfast. It’s madness I tell you.
Even Mother Nature appears confused by the weather. I took a stroll around the property yesterday for no other reason than to get a little sun on my pasty white body. I found this lonely little flower in the side yard. One stupid dandelion that’s decided it’s really not December but April. I can officially say this is the latest I’ve ever seen any flower growing and blooming.
‘The all-time dumbest flower on the planet.’
I’d like to continue on with this post but I’m getting the evil eye from my better-half. It’s time to get back to my Santa duties. Everything has to be just perfect for the grandsons when they arrive (in two and a half effing weeks). Sorry about the language but all these red and green colors are finally getting to me or maybe it’s just my requested Christmas aneurism finally showing up.
I hope someone tells Santa just what a good boy I’ve been this year. He owes me big time.
On any given day I’m never sure what’ll happen around here but today even surprised me a little. I was minding my own business and enjoying my life until I found a corpse in my driveway. I make it a point to be aware of what goes on around my residence by checking things regularly every day. I was able to determine the time of death based on my last patrol of the property and let me tell you that corpse was fresh.
With my investigative background it took only a quick glance to determine that this death was not accidental. . . . it appeared to be murder. I could plainly see the blunt force trauma to the head and several deep puncture marks along the side of the body. It wasn’t pretty.
‘Deadly head trauma to be sure.’
I closely searched the surrounding area looking for obvious clues but found nothing. This investigation really couldn’t be all that thorough because I no longer have access to the appropriate forensic equipment except for latex gloves and a big, old magnifying glass I found in a drawer.
In recent weeks there’ve been reports of suspicious behavior by a gang of delinquents (coyotes) roaming around the neighborhood after dark and wreaking havoc throughout the area. It’s resulted in the loss of a number of household pets and those guys are persons of interest.
‘He never had a prayer.’
There was no way to identify the body so we’ll just call him Mickey Doe. He had brown hair and a large unruly mustache. I was able to get a couple of photos of the body but they added very little to the investigation. As you can see this will be a difficult case to solve and I expect it will go cold rather quickly.
‘Some serious bite marks.’
My main suspect lives across the street and is often seen skulking around looking for trouble. He had motive and opportunity because I saw him just before finding the body as he was high-tailing it home to hide under the porch.
As of this report the case remains open. I was forced to remove the body from the driveway and reverently picked it up by the tail and tossed it into the woods. We have no refrigeration facilities here to store corpses.
Another sad and merciless loss of life here in Maine.
BE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THIS GUY
FANGED AND DANGEROUS
I know you’ve all been waiting for my next installment of the “Things I Once Hated”. I’m only going through this endless process because I need to show my better-half just how much I’ve mellowed over the years and that living with her has had a serious calming effect on me (sarcasm off). Let’s get this going for numbers 41-55.
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#41 Organic Food – This is one of the biggest scams going. Put organic on the label of anything and you can immediately increase the price by twenty-five percent. In my opinion anything that is grown is organic. Wash off any fertilizer and insecticide and you have clean and organic food. I hate those liars who extort money from all of us under suspicious circumstances or labeling. No improvement here.
#42 Liars – refer back to #41. On a daily basis we have dozens of people who lie to us. I’ve always hated being told things that are less than true and I still do. No improvement here either.
#43 Ear Hair – I was introduced to this issue when my better-half was caught trying to trim the hair in my ears while I was napping. It’s one of her pet peeves and she’s gently forced me into adding it to my original list of one hundred. I’m still being forced to hate it or there’d be hell to pay. No improvement.
#44 Doctors – I’ve had to rethink this item because I finally met a doctor that wasn’t playing God and actually treated me like a thinking human being. I’ll concede to a 50% improvement.
#45 Large Aureoles – As I’ve stated many times before I love boobs. But large aureoles bother me for some unknown reason. I’m forced into not hating them because they’re normally attached to things I love. It’s a conundrum I tell you. No more hate for them results in a 100% improvement.
#46 Overweight Babies – Just writing about this problem pisses me off. Overfeeding a toddler or young kid is about the worst start you can give them in life. I hate the thought of it almost as much as the people responsible. No improvement.
#47 Dirty Toilets – I suppose you think I’m only talking about those disgusting restrooms found in stores and gas stations. I am but I’m also including anyone else who refuses to clean their own bathrooms. I’ve been in a few that still give me nightmares. No improvement.
#48 Stinky Cheese – I just don’t see the point of making or eating some types of stinky cheese. My grandfather was a big fan of Limburger cheese and I suspect it was only because it kept us kids away from him during our visits. No improvement and no thank you.
#49 Opossums – One of the most disgusting animals on the planet. I understand they’re great to have around to clean up road kill but they’re gross, ugly, and disgusting. No possible improvement.
#50 Roadside Death Shrines – I’m reconsidering this item out of sympathy to those people who insist on building them. I think the whole process is a waste of time and effort but I guess if it makes them feel better for all of fifteen minutes. What the hell, since I’m now a much more loving and tolerant person I can let it go (sarcasm off). 100% improvement.
#51 Extra Toes – Too creepy to even discuss and that goes for webs between the toes as well. Go join a carnival but stay away from me. No improvement.
#52 Nose Hair – Again something being pushed on me by my better-half. She’s obsessed with hating this item therefore so must I. No improvement.
#53 Jehovah Witnesses – I can’t begin to tell you how much fun I’ve had over the years messing with these people. I can’t say I actually hate them personally but I do resent anyone who tries to force their belief system on me. These folks are nothing if not persistent making them a huge target for my sometime sick sense of humor. 100% improvement.
#54 Salesmen – I’ll modify this category somewhat. I hate “high pressure” sales people. So I’ll claim a 50% improvement on this one as long as they don’t get in my face.
#55 Hot Tuna Casserole – I’ve done a total 180 on this one. I finally found someone with a recipe that I actually liked and looked forward to eating. No more hating of hot tuna dishes. 100% improvement.
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That should do it for today. Fifty-five items now completed with only forty-five more to go. Just remember all of these items are in no particular order of importance.
Four years ago in a galaxy far far away on my first blog I posted a list of 100 Things I Hate. At the time I challenged myself to compile that list in under ten minutes to make it as spontaneous as possible. I completed it easily and was really proud of my accomplishment. It was a fun exercise that I found interesting and one I want to revisit today.
I’ll be addressing the first ten items from that list and fully intend to cover the remaining ninety over the next month. "An unexamined life is not worth living." or so I’ve been told over and over again. That being said there are certain inevitabilities in life such as the much overused "death and taxes" but there are many others that are just as important. "Change" effects us all in a myriad of ways and many times we aren’t even aware that it’s happening. I hope this silly little exercise will give me a better understanding of the many changes that are taking place within me and the effect it has on my endless supply of opinions on just about everything. Here we go.
#1 STUPID PEOPLE – Unfortunately this one hasn’t changed much at all. Although now I recognize and admit that a large percentage of these people are harmless-stupid which makes them more annoying than anything else. The remainder are bad-stupid and remain on my hate list. It appears I’m not hating on this as much as I once did and I see a 50% Improvement.
#2 ROSIE O’DONNELL – No change here. No improvement whatsoever. She sucks.
#3 UNIBROW WOMEN – I’ve always had the ability to identify one or two things about any woman I’ve become involved with or thought about getting involved with. I consider them all lovely and fun to be with in their own right. I’m again forced to reconsider this item because I’m sure there are some women out there with unibrows that I’d like to spend a little time with. 50% Improvement.
#4 BUMS – This term along with the term hobo is no longer politically correct and I promise to slap myself on the wrist really hard each and every time I use them. Again I find myself hating those aggressive and arrogant homeless people who insist on getting in my face and wanting my money. Some of these others who are mentally challenged are just pitiful but because of all the politically-correct thinking in this country they’ve been dumped onto the streets. 50% Improvement.
#5 DIRTY FINGERNAILS – No change here and no improvement.
#6 CRIMINALS – No change here either. No improvement.
#7 CANADIANS – I’ve moved this item into the annoyance category. Canadians are are just a mild form of a parasite that continually criticizes it’s host but continues to enjoy the benefits it provides. 100% Improvement.
#8 ROCK STACKERS – Once again, more an annoyance than anything else. It’s something I see no useful purpose in doing but if you feel compelled to do it then just do it. I can feel myself changing already and I’m getting all tingly with my 100% Improvement.
#9 FUNERALS – I hate them. I would like to spend the remainder of my life never attending another regardless of who it is. They freak me out and hopefully the only other one I ever attend will be my own. No improvement here.
#10 BACKWARD BASEBALL CAPS - This is something I’ve hated since it all started. Grown men and women teaching their children to look as stupid and ridiculous as they do. This goes hand in hand with saggy pants with underwear sticking out. I’d like to find the person who started these ridiculous trends and just kick their ass. No improvement.
By my calculations on these ten items I’m showing a 35% improvement overall. I find that amazing, disturbing, and annoying, all at the same time. I wish I could get that kind of improvement for my 2014 New Years resolutions but they’ll be reviewed and discussed at a later date.
It’s raining, it cloudy, it’s gray, and I’m suffering from a total lack of interest in just about everything. This change of seasons gets me down every year and has done so for as long as I can remember. It’s sort of become a really annoying tradition for me. I’ve always been told by others that traditions are the backbone of everything and with that in mind I guess I’ll celebrate that tradition with this new tradition.
You know what that means . . . . more totally useless information. There’s really no way to categorize this kind of stuff and I won’t even try. I’ll just put it out there for your enjoyment and you can decide if it’s worth your time or not. So, there will be no photographs today because I’m too preoccupied with being bored to be taking pictures. Let’s get started.
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28% of Africa is wilderness while 38% of North America is wilderness.
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On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
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Heavyweight boxing champion, Ken Norton, was rejected for the role of Apollo Creed in the 1976 film Rocky because he made the star Sylvester Stallone look too small.
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The largest fruit crop on earth is grapes – followed by bananas.
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No one knows exactly why a duck’s quack doesn’t echo.
I’m on my third cup of coffee, still in bed, and munching on a miniature lemon/poppy seed muffin. I just don’t get these small versions of normal muffins. People are only kidding themselves if they think it’s healthier to only eat these tiny little useless muffins instead of the real thing. Give me a big full sized, fat, sugary, crunchy muffin with two inches of frosting on it any day of the week. If you’re going to eat something sinful don’t mess around, go for it. Revel in the wickedness of your evil deeds. Forgive me but I seem to have wandered off the reservation a little due to the influences of this destructive and dangerous sugar I just ingested. Back to the point of this posting which as you should know is "there is no point".
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Actress Farrah Fawcett had a tap named after her – the gold plated Farrah Fawcet.
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The snow scenes in the film It’s a Wonderful Life were shot during a record heat wave in southern California.
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As of 2002, rats in New York outnumbered humans by twelve to one.
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A pigs orgasm lasts for thirty minutes.
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When press tycoon William Randolph Hearst sent a telegram to a leading astronomer asking if there was life on Mars and to please cable a thousand words on the subject, he received the reply, “Nobody knows,” repeated five hundred times.
It’s only proper when posting some useless information to end that posting with a big bang or three. There’s nothing better than a few really raunchy and bawdy limericks to kick start your day. Enjoy.
The derriere Doris displays
In the park never fails to amaze;
She flounces and bounces
Those wonderful ounces,
And old men are ecstatic for days.
* * *
There was a young virgin named Jeanie
Whose dad was an absolute meanie;
When he’d fashioned a hatch,
With a latch, for her snatch –
She could only be had by Houdini!
* * *
I’d rather have fingers than toes.
I’d rather have ears than a nose.
And, a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
HAVE A GREAT DAY
everyuselessthing.com 