Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag

07-29-2013   2 comments

Since this week has been so traumatic and disturbing I’ve decided to lay some more really useless information on you.  I’m just not up to writing anything too serious today because I’m still a little unfocused with everything that’s been going on.  These facts are somewhat odd but still interesting and I hope you enjoy them.

  • Cats urine glows under a black light.
  • Blueberry jelly beans were especially made for Ronald Reagan.
  • In every episode of Seinfeld there’s a superman somewhere.
  • Checkmate comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat" which means the king is dead.
  • Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds while dogs have only ten.
  • 91% of Americans lie daily.
  • When you sneeze water can come out of your mouth at speeds of 60mph.
  • Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  • On a Canadian 2 dollar bill the flag flying over the parliament building appears to be an American flag. It’s actually Canada’s earlier flag of the Red Ensign.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • Almonds are a member of the peach family.
  • A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
  • Sloths are actually fast, they just prefer to move at a slow pace.
  • There are only two families who produced a father and son who were US presidents: Bush and Adams.
  • A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
  • Humans and horses are the only two animals that have hymens.
  • Polish is the only word in the English language that has two completely different meanings when the first letter is capitalized.
  • The longest word in the English language is Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
  • Margaret Kerry was the live action model for Walt Disney’s Tinkerbell.
  • The average human lies at least twice a day.
  • Before Late Night Television, Jay Leno appeared in an episode of Laverne and Shirley.
  • In "American Graffiti", the license plate on Richard Dreyfusses’ car is changed every time you see it.

That should just about do it for today.  I’m on my way to begin the search for another vehicle for the better-half.  She’s still in morning for the loss of her little yellow car and the only way to help her along is to find another car as soon as possible.  I’m actually surprised she didn’t want to bring the remains home so we could bury it in the yard next to our previous pets.  She gets attached to the weirdest crap.  It can be amazing, unbelievable, and disturbing all at the same time.

07-23-2013   Leave a comment

Here’s my second installment of Beer Trivia that I faithfully promised my better-half I would post in order to get my butt out of the dog house.  I’m hoping this will be sufficient to put me back into her good graces.  I  know, I’m so whipped I can hardly stand it. I feel my manhood slowly slipping away until nothing will be left but a screaming little girl with five o’clock shadow.

I hope all of you beer lovers out there  find these tidbits interesting.  I may never understand it because I’m really not a beer lover.  I’m not even a beer liker.  Here, goes.

  • In the past English  pub crawlers had a whistle baked into the rim of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  • In the Czech Republic, beer is cheaper than Coke. A half liter at a local pub costs just 30 cents while a half liter of Coke costs 85 cents. Beer is a little more expensive than club soda (which costs 29 cents, for a half liter).
  • A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles.
  • A tegestologist is a collector of beer mats.
  • A flood of beer swept through the streets of St. Giles, England, on 17 October 1814. Caused by a rupture in a brewery tank containing 3500 barrels of beer, the tidal wave killed nine people and demolished two houses.
  • The first six-pack of beer was produced by the Pabst Brewery in the 1940s. The brewery conducted numerous studies, which found six cans were the ideal weight for the average housewife to carry home from the store.
  • In eleventh-century England, a bride would distribute ale to her wedding guests in exchange for donations to the newlyweds. This brew, known as Bride Ale, is the origin of the word ‘bridal’.
  • One method of checking a beer’s quality is the way in which the foam adheres to the side of the glass after each sip. Beer connoisseurs call this “Brussels lace.”
  • 1888: Citizens of Munich took to the streets and rioted after a beer price increase was announced.
  • Czechs drink the most beer in the world per capita – an average of 160 liters a year per person.
  • In old England,  inns paid a government tax known as a ‘scot’ for serving beer. Beer lovers who left town to drink at rural pubs were said to be drinking ‘scot free’.
  • Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago.
  • Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day worldwide.
  • The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day.
  • In ancient Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day’s labour.
  • A barrel contains 31 gallons of beer. What Americans commonly refer to as a keg is actually 15.5 gallons, or a half-barrel.
  • A 12 oz. of a typical American pale lager actually has fewer calories than 2 percent milk or apple juice.
  • The world’s strongest beer is ‘Samuel Adams’ Triple Bock, which has reached 17% alcohol by volume. To obtain this level, however, they had to use a champagne yeast.
  • The ’33’ on a bottle of Rolling Rock was originally a printer’s error. It refers to the 33 words in the original slogan. It has generated enough mystery over the years that the company left it in the label.

That finishes my penance for writing a lengthy posting on female breasts.  I’m not saying this kind of circumstance won’t happen again but I promise to do do my best to behave. I haven’t had much success with that since about the age of  three but I’ll continue to try.

07-22-2013   2 comments

I hesitate to write about today’s subject because I know many of my female readers will take me to task.  As Groucho Marx used to say on You Bet Your Life, "Today’s topic is foreplay. Say the secret word and win a hundred dollars".

The term foreplay gets tossed around all to often when men have their discussions about being successful lovers.  It comes across as more of a joke topic than anything they should take too seriously.  Most women are out-spoken in their demands that men become more accomplished in this most important area. I can’t argue that fact because over the years I’ve found it to be true.

I think many men are good at foreplay but even they are accused at times of being unskilled.  It’s become an easy way for women to keep a man on the defensive and to force him into working even harder than usual.  It’s those passive-aggressive remarks like “Oh, that was nice but my old boyfriend wasn’t good at that either”, that can really kill the mood. I’m not being too critical of them because it’s just human nature to try and reap the most benefits from every situation. I’ve known a few women who considered successful foreplay by a man to be when he removed his pants.  As with all human beings, everyone is different in their approach to just about anything. 

I once had a fairly successful interlude with a young woman who told me up front there would be no actual intercourse.  She was of the Bill Clinton school of sexual definition in that oral sex was not really sex.  We never had actual intercourse but OMG it really didn’t matter, that  girl had some serious skills.  It was one of the few times in my life where I was totally satisfied with a developing relationship and was really disappointed when her flight was called and she flew away.  I guess that’s why to this day I love airports and flight attendants but hate flying.  Ahhhh good memories.

I was watching a TV show a while back and heard the term "King of Foreplay" used during a conversation about relationships.  I’m certainly not claiming that title but I’ve studied as hard as I could over the years and I’m close to reaching that goal.  If I could live at least seventy-five more years I might just make it.  There are no hard and fast rules on foreplay because what works for one women doesn’t work for the next.  It can be very difficult and time consuming for the inexperienced man to figure these things out.

After cruising around the net I found this list of foreplay tips on how to be a better lover.  I’ll make a short comment on each since I’ve probably tried them all at one time or another. As with everything, some worked and some didn’t.  See what you think.  For you inexperienced young guys out there pay attention and learn from your elders.

Masturbate for your partner – Didn’t Work
Masturbate each other – Worked
Masturbate your partner – Worked
Suck nipples – Worked
Role-Play – Didn’t Work
Whole body massage – Worked
Give a lap dance or strip tease – Never as Foreplay
Shower together – Never as Foreplay
Tie one of you up – Really Worked
Oral Sex – Really Worked
Tickle – Never Tried
Nibble earlobes – Worked
Spank playfully – Really Worked
Talk dirty to each other – Worked
Blindfold one of you – Really Worked
Used sex toys – Really Worked
Shave each other’s private areas – Worked
Suck fingertips – Worked
Watch a porno – Never as Foreplay
Play an Adult Sex Game – Never Tried
Drip hot wax on your lover – Really worked
Body paint each other – Never as Foreplay

Hopefully the woman your trying to seduce doesn’t require any more than two or three of them.  My advice is to become proficient in them all and begin your life-long search for that "King of Foreplay" title.

We all know who Dr. Ruth is I think.  She’s the four and a half foot tall sex expert who has the answers to every sex question.  Here are a few tips from her for  those men who are having difficulties.

  • Check it out. If anything "down there" hurts or isn’t working the way you think it should, don’t wonder about it — see a doctor. For him, difficulty maintaining an erection and, for her, pain during intercourse always requires a medical evaluation.
  • Don’t zone out. Many couples are embarrassed to ask their partner to stimulate erogenous zones that are very pleasurable but can be considered taboo. The nipples, the anus, the back of the neck — all have nerve endings. So don’t be shy. The only shame when it comes to foreplay is a missed opportunity for pleasure.
  • Stay the course. There is a moment before orgasm when many women give up, thinking nothing will happen. It’s a self-sabotaging mistake. Stay with the stimulation and the orgasm will come.
  • There is not an exact science to foreplay. You and your partner(s) should understand what you need and want from each other. While we speak about foreplay techniques we must regard before anything else that every human being is distinctive and diverse from each person else and the above-mentioned foreplay techniques have a different impact from one person to another. Accustom yourself to the occasion.

Isn’t Dr. Ruth just terrific.  I’ve always wondered if growing up at “zipper height” caused her to pursue sex as her life’s work.  Just a thought.

Research indicates more than 85% of ladies reached more intense orgasms when their partners spent more than 10 minutes on foreplay.  So boys, increase your number of  foreplay techniques and become more sexually adventurous.  It’s worth every second for you to bone up (pun intended) on your skills.  They’ll serve you well for many decades to come (again pun intended).

07-21-2013   3 comments

With all this heat we’ve been suffering through I discovered just how many things there are that annoy me when I’m all hot, sweaty, and irritable.  My normal list of annoyances has increased by a factor of ten. 

I realize the heat makes it even worse but it getting ridiculous.  Yesterday I found myself annoyed by a plane flying over my house.  The fact that it was at least 25,000 feet high made no difference.  Those bastard pilots.  It’s getting out of control and I’m praying for cooler weather before someone decides to kick my ass.

I jotted down a few more that  some of you will hopefully agree with.

  • People who wait in a long checkout lines and then can’t find their checkbook or credit card.
  • People who are constantly late.
  • Commercials that are so much louder than the TV shows.
  • Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
  • Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
  • People who make small talk with a cashier when there’s a long line behind them.
  • Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
  • TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you  think the sound is coming from your house.
  • Waiters/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
  • Fake laughter.

The more I think about this list the longer it gets.  I’m going to keep on rolling and hopefully I’ll reach the end of this nonsense.

  • Stepping on a wet spot with my socks on.
  • Drivers who won’t turn right on red.
  • Being asked for my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone.
  • Celebrities preaching to me about politics.
  • People saying  "What’s up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
  • The lame-ass naming of celebrity couples.
  • Suburban kids who think they’re gangstas.
  • People who refer to themselves in the third person.
  • Rappers who thank God at awards ceremonies.
  • Mumbling, then annoyingly saying "Forget it!" when people don’t hear you.

Still going strong but I seem to be feeling a little better by unburdening myself like this.

  • Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift.
  • People who dress their pets.
  • Annoying nervous laughter.
  • Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
  • People who say "carmel" instead of "caramel".
  • Overuse of the word "Like"
  • Mispronunciation of words.
  • People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude" way too often.
  • When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
  • People who bring their babies to the movies.

Wow, I’m starting to think almost everything is annoying me these days.

  • When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at the results.
  • Flood pants on men.
  • People who don’t listen when you are talking to them.
  • Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll.
  • People abbreviating words when they speak.
  • Rude people talking at movies.
  • Barking dogs.
  • Having to explain the same thing more than once.
  • People who don’t flush the toilet.
  • When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole at Dunkin Donuts.

 
I’ve got to stop this foolishness.  If I add just one more item to this list I’ll start annoying myself and for some reason that just seems wrong.  Being annoyed by myself while listing annoyances of other people that annoy everyone else.  It’s a conundrum I tell you.  I think it’s time for all of you to make your own list.  It’s annoying that you haven’t completed one already so get to it.

Man it’s hot in here.

07-19-2013   Leave a comment

I think I’m in the proverbial dog house after yesterdays posting on female breasts.  My better-half was not too pleased with that posting so I’ve got to be punished.  It’s something that happens between us every time I step out of line which occurs more often than I care to admit.

I’ve been thinking of possible ways to calm the waters but my choices are somewhat limited.  I finally realized that the thing she loves most in this world (after me I hope) is beer.  What could I possibly write about beer to make her happy.  Besides giving her a case of cold beer wrapped in a ribbon I actually considered having a tap installed on the kitchen sink.  Hot water, cold water, and beer at the ready for quick access.  I decided that was a little more than she actually deserved after putting me on the defensive like this.

My solution is the beer trivia collection that follows.  I found so many interesting beer facts that this will be Beer List #1.  I’ll follow with the second half of the list  in a week or so.  Hopefully this will end the cold shoulder treatment and get me back into her good graces.  We shall see.

  • According to The Code of Hammurabi of ancient Babylonia (c. 1750 B.C.) a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
  • 1810: Munich establishes Oktoberfest as an official celebration.
  • A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
  • After consuming buckets of aul (or ale), the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
  • Historians report that during the Middle Ages, when monks were brewing their beer in their monasteries, each monk was allowed to drink 5 quarts of beer a day.
  • A beer a day… Beer was used to treat over 100 illnesses in Egypt, 1600 BC.
  • In the 13th century, King Wenceslas convinced the Pope to revoke an order banning the brewing of beer in Czech territories (no wonder he was known as ‘Good King Wenceslas).
  • In 1116 BC, Chinese imperial edict stated that heaven required people to drink beer.
  • In English pubs, unruly customers were told to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down – and so began the phrase "mind your P’s and Q’s.
  • Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold and the yeast wouldn’t grow; too hot and the yeast would die. This ancient practice is where we get the phrase ‘rule of thumb’.
  • Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
  • In a Czech beer house, the bartender will refill your glass every time you empty it until you place your coaster on top of your glass, signaling that you have had enough.
  • The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1642.
    Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.
  • Saint Arnold, a bishop born in 580, is considered the patron saint of beer. He encouraged people to drink beer instead of water during the Plague.
  • Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.
  • If you collect beer bottles you’re a labeorphilist.
  • The most expensive beer in the world? It’s called “Tutankhamen” and is prepared according to the recipe recovered by a group of University of Cambridge archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple of the Sun in Egypt. It costs US $52 a bottle, and is produced in limited and numbered edition.
  • The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer. Although they planned to continue down the east coast, the Mayflower’s log explains the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
  • The music for "The Star Spangled Banner" was derived from a British drinking song called "Anacreon".
  • Assyrian tablets from 2000 BC stated that Noah was carrying beer aboard the ark.
  • The United States two-dollar bill features three brewers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Samuel Adams. In fact, George Washington installed a brew house on his grounds at Mount Vernon.
  • The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.

There you are my darling.  A partial list of beer related facts and lore that should stop this madness.  Please welcome me back into the fold with a big wet sloppy kiss and a huge hug.  I promise to try harder to be the boring and uninteresting person you’re looking for.  How’s that for a half-assed apology.

On top of everything else, I really hate beer.

07-14-2013   4 comments

Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day.  These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.

  • The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
  • The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
  • The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
  • On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
  • There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
  • Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
  • A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
  • 65% of statistics are made up.
  • More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
  • A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
  • Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
  • Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
  • Porcupines float in water.
  • "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
  • The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.

I’s good to remember these factoids.  Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy.  Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things.  Again, you’re welcome.

07-09-2013   Leave a comment

I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude.  The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section.  Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.

Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer.  He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations.  He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but  I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame.  Hold your nose with one hand and read on. 

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
  • Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
  • Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
  • I can resist everything except temptation.
  • If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
  • Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
  • Born free, taxed to death.
  • Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
  • In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
  • Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it,  neither does milk.
  • In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
  • Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.

The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me.  At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again.  Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me. 

So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution.  Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.

07-02-2013   1 comment

With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love.  Some of these are really interesting and others not so much.  I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.

  • A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
  • When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
  • 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
  • The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
    The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
  • The average housefly lives for one month.
  • A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
  • The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
  • Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
  • The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
  • Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
  • In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
  • The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
  • Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
  • Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
  • There are more chickens than people in the world.
  • Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
  • The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday.  I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect.  I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original.  I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.

07-01-2013   2 comments

I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become.  Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives.  The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad.  As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.

It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way.  You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four.  I guess it all depends on the individual woman.

Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it.  Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child.  The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.

How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings?  Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.

Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is).  As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild.  All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).

Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”.  Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde.  It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.

I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little.  You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor.  It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing.  Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land.  The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy.  It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur.  It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.

There you have it.  You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for.  Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies.  On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.

Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.

06-29-2013   Leave a comment

Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing.  I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries.  We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us.  I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.

Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available.  Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.

Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?

It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.

Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth.  Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.

The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.

There you have the truth of the matter.

Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?

I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.

After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.

Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out.  Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.

I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades.  I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.

That’s the final lesson for today.  Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information.  It seems that if two or more students can  study together the results are much more satisfying.

CLASS DISMISSED