Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
It’s time for you to discover just how much you really know about these United States of ours. While the questions were moderately difficult, they were answerable with a little thought and a basic knowledge of the country (in my opinion). The answers are as follows:
1. Florida and South Dakota.
2. Hilo, on the big Island of Hawaii. It’s at 19° 42 N; Mexico City is at 19° 25 N.
3. Hell’s Canyon, also known as the Grand Canyon of the Snake River, which reaches a depth of 7900 feet.
4. I-10, I-80, and I-90.
5. Eight.
6. Hartford, Connecticut; Dover, Delaware; Boston, Massachusetts; and Richmond Virginia.
7. Juneau, Alaska. It covers an area of 3,108 square miles. Rhode Island covers 1214 square miles.
8. New Orleans
9. 13: The entire states of Arkansas, Missouri, Iowa and Nebraska; and parts of Louisiana, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota and Minnesota.
10. Boonesborough.
Lets end last week and begin the new week with a few laughs. As you all know I’m a sucker for limericks. I’ve made a point of collecting as many of them as possible, both funny and filthy. Some I’ll forward along but even for the likes of me the language on some others is a little rough.
I thought today I would send a few your way written by children. I was amazed by their creativity and the complexity of their work.
There was a young girl called Miss Muffet
Who sat down one day on a tuffet,
She’d sooner have had
A chair, I might add,
But sometimes you just have to rough it.
Two brothers called Reggie and Fred
Chased a fierce-looking wasp from their bed;
Said Fred: “It’s gone. How?”
Said Reg: “Don’t look now . . .
”But it’s sitting on top of your head!”
There was an old prophet called Jonah
who said sailing a ship from Ancona;
One day, in a gale,
He was ate by a whale,
and sicked up on the beach in a coma.
A jolly old fellow in red
Set his reindeer on full-speed ahead;
And all in one night,
Much faster than light,
Left presents round everyone’s bed!
There’s a witch in our village called Joyce
Who is cursed with a hideous voice;
But, please, don’t assume
She rides round on a broom,
She’s rich, and she drives a Rolls-Royce!
They’re well on their way to becoming the next generation who will eventually write all those dirty little ones I love so much. Don’t you just love tradition? I can’t end this posting until I give you one little off-color limerick to jump-start your day.
There was a young man named McBride,
who could fart anytime that he tried;
In a contest he blew
Seven thousand and two,
But then shit and was disqualified!
Have a great day! For those of you in Israel, I hope you scored higher than you anticipated. Remember those bonus points I mentioned.
Today is my ninth day living in this one-legged hell my life has become. I’ve learned a few valuable things in these nine days and I thought I’d share them with you.
-
First, don’t break your damn leg. I know it’s a bit simplistic but sometimes you just need to be told the obvious.
-
Second, hope and pray your relationship is solid because it will be tested. I’ve become somewhat irritable and difficult or at least that’s what my better-half has been screaming at me.
-
Third, prepare yourself for the realization that all it takes is a small bone in your leg to break to turn you into a giant dependent ball of human flesh.
I was raised to be as independent as possible and have spent my entire life just that way. I hate relying on anyone for anything. I’ve had a few times in my life where I was laid up for a day or two but nothing like this. Six to eight weeks of sitting on my ass and stumbling around the house being unable to do a damn thing. It’s incredibly frustrating to say the least. My better-half remains supportive but realizes I’m quickly going out of my mind with cabin fever.
I’ve improved my walking abilities with these crutches but it’ll never be enough to make this situation bearable. Since I’m unable to carry coffee and walk on crutches at the same time it took a day or two for me to solve that problem. A sealable carry-mug that fits nicely into my pocket was the solution. I can now walk/hop/drag a leg to the kitchen, retrieve some coffee, and return to my chair. It sounds stupid I know but it’s a major accomplishment for me.
Thank God for my X-Box and IPad. Those two devices are the only things keeping me from going bat-shit crazy. I’ve always spent a lot of time on the X-Box but now it’s totally out of control. I’m afraid I may be developing a serious case of X-Box thumbs. The IPad has allowed me to connect with hundreds of other addicted Scrabble fanatics to play Word HD with Friends. A great little App that allows me to continuously play multiple games with people from around the country. The time really flies by very quickly when I’m focused in those games.
I received some good news on my follow-up visit to the orthopedist today. The leg is healing properly and no surgery will be required. I’m to spend the next two weeks doing things much the same as I’ve been doing. That news raised my morale a bit and hopefully in two more weeks I’ll be permitted to put some weight on the leg which will really jump start this recovery.
One other quick note. My better-half suggested a trip to Walmart today to pickup a few items and somehow strong-armed me into riding on one of their infamous electric carts. I put up a good fight but there was no talking to her. For years I’ve bitched and complained about certain people on those carts blocking aisles and being a general nuisance to other shoppers. Well, today I joined the elite ranks of the Walmart Disabled Shoppers Group. I was hoping for a Walmart hat or T-shirt but sadly I was out of luck. They wanted to give me a pair of pink sweat pants that had “JUICY” on the ass but I declined. Pink just isn’t my color. It clashes way too much with my purple sweatshirt and my orange Budweiser baseball cap. That’s my official Walmart shopping outfit.
We’re headed back home now where I’ll enjoy another afternoon of Scrabble, Tiger Woods 2011, and really bad TV. I must have done something really terrible in a past life to deserve this karmic ass-kicking.
As I frequently do, I wander aimlessly around the Net looking for inspiration. Unfortunately most of the information available is either nonsense or BS. It only becomes relevant after I’m able to put it into context for all of you. Dealing with people on the Net takes a great deal of skill, intuition, and luck. Great care must be taken because dangers lurk in the oddest places. I trained for decades to interview people, read body language, and to make a determination of their guilt or innocence. Trying to do that same thing on the Net is an almost impossible task. Since I can’t meet face-to-face and I can’t trust photographs any longer, what should I do?
The following list of questions I discovered a few weeks ago and after some necessary editing are ready for my use. They may seem mundane and boring but are they really? The “devil is in the details” is a saying I’ve learned to appreciate over the years. One small piece of information added to another and then another can result in clarification and understanding much like a jigsaw puzzle.
I want my readers to understand me. It’s the wish of almost every other human being on the planet that someone “gets us”. I’m going to list one hundred really stupid and simple questions and then post my answers as well. If you read them all and then bundle them into one huge ball of useless information, you just might have a better understanding of me. It may work or it may not but you’ll never know until you give it a try. To test it further ask a friend, lover, or family member to answer them. You might be surprised to find out they’re not exactly the person you thought. Here we go.
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Open.
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? Yes.
3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Tucked out.
4:Have you ever stolen a street sign? Yes
5:Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes, both paper and computerized.
6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? No, I hate coupons.
7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Bees, at least I’d survive.
8:Do you have freckles? A few scattered here and there.
9:Do you always smile for pictures? No, I hate being photographed.
10:What is your biggest pet peeve? People who talk-over me while in conversation.
11:Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Almost always.
12:Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes, it’s the best.
13:What about pooped in the woods? I have but it’s unpleasant.
14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Only when I’m alone.
15:Do you chew your pens and pencils? Only pencils.
16:How many people have you slept with this week? Does my cat count? If he does then “2”.
17:What size is your bed? Queen.
18:What is your Song of the week? Born to die – Lana del Ray
19:Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes.
20:Do you still watch cartoons? Almost never.
21:What’s your least favorite movie? Anything with Will Ferrell in it.
22:Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? None of your business. It’s called ‘hidden treasure’ for a reason.
23:What do you drink with dinner? Seltzer Water
24:What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ketchup.
25:What is your favorite food? Hamburgers.
26:What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Anything prior to 1950.
27:Last person you kissed/kissed you? My better-half.
28:Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Yes.
29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No, it might scare people.
30:When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 1990.
31:Can you change the oil on a car? Yes.
32:Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Oh yeah.
33:Ever ran out of gas? Once in 1975.
34:Favorite kind of sandwich? BLT, with lots of B.
35:Best thing to eat for breakfast? Bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee.
36:What is your usual bedtime? 11 PM.
37:Are you lazy? No.
38:When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? At 45, I was Woody Allen.
39. Who is your favorite dead singer? Levon Helm
40:How many languages can you speak? 1.5
41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Yes, one.
42:Which are better Legos or Lincoln logs? Legos.
43:Are you stubborn? Yes.
44:Who is better…Leno or Letterman? Johnny Carson.
45:Ever watch soap operas? I used to.
46:Are you afraid of heights? Not really, no.
47:Do you sing in the car? Sometimes.
48:Do you sing in the shower? No.
49: Do you sleep clothed or naked? Naked.
50:Ever used a gun? Yes.
51:Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I was two years old.
52:Do you think musicals are cheesy? Some are, some not.
53:Is Christmas stressful? Yes, it’s a pain in the ass.
54:Ever eat a pierogi? Hundreds of times, Yummmm!
55:Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple.
56:Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Archeologist.
57:Do you believe in ghosts? No.
58:Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes.
59:Take a vitamin daily? Yes.
60:Wear slippers? Yes.
61:Wear a bath robe? Not really.
62: How old were you when you lost your virginity? 14.
63:First concert? Harry Chapin.
64:Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Walmart, to people watch.
65:Nike or Adidas? Dr. Scholl
66:Cheetos Or Fritos? Cape Cod Potato Chips.
67:Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Cashews.
68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? Hell no.
69:Ever take dance lessons? Yes. as a kid, 3 years.
70:Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? No, there won’t be a future spouse.
71:Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I know how to use it too.
72:Ever won a spelling bee? No.
73:Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, at my divorce hearing.
74:Own any record albums? Yes, vinyl and CD’s.
75:Own a record player? Yes.
76:Regularly burn incense? Yes.
77:Ever been in love? Yes.
78:Who would you like to see in concert? Celine Dion.
79:How many tattoos do you have? Six small ones.
80:Hot tea or cold tea? Hot.
81:Tea or coffee? Coffee.
82:Sugar or snickerdoodles? Sweet’n’Low
83:Can you swim well? Yes.
84:Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.
85:Are you patient? Not really.
86:DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ.
87:Ever won a contest? Yes.
88:Ever have plastic surgery? No.
89:Which are better black or green olives? Green.
90:Can you knit or crochet? Neither.
91:Best room for a fireplace? Bed room.
92:Do you want to get married? Never again.
93. Do you wear glasses? Yes.
94:Who was your HS crush? Beth.
95:Do you ever cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Only as an infant.
96:Do you have kids? Yes.
97:Do you want kids? No more thank you very much.
98:What’s your favorite color? Blue.
99:Do you miss anyone right now? Yes.
100: Have you ever been stung by a bee? Yes.
* * *
There you have it. My screwed up and over-explained personality in a nutshell. Remove a few of these questions and add your own. Personalize it as much as you think is necessary. Then have a few of your friends compete the questions and invite them over for a few bottles of wine and a group discussion. It might be a great deal of fun but even if it isn’t make sure you’re serving a really good wine.
I remember growing up in a time when newspapers ruled the world. Nothing was true unless it was in the paper and each morning people scrambled for the morning news. It was a time when two deliveries of a newspaper was the norm, the morning edition at 6am and another delivered in the early evening. I had an up close and personal relationship with our daily paper, The Valley Daily News, because I was one of it’s part-time carriers. I always felt so damn important as I made my rounds delivering the latest news to all of my friends and neighbors. For me it was a big deal.
I can still remember rushing to the pile of papers as they were tossed off the delivery truck to catch a quick peek at the day’s headlines. It was exciting for a dumb kid like me to be the first to get the scoop of the day.
The quality of the writing seemed much more professional then than some of the stuff I’m reading these days. In my humble opinion our improved technologies and the birth of the Internet have brought the quality of articles and headlines to a very low level. The daily barrage of news these days wears on a person. It’s a constant drumbeat 24 hours a day and it’s annoying as well as redundant.
Back in the day writing was a serious profession and the writing of headlines was almost as important as the articles themselves. I offer for your amusement the following collection of headlines from recent years and various newspapers. Not only do the headlines suck but the editor’s who allowed them to be sent to print should be ashamed. Here we go.
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
PANDA MATING FAILS – VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
NJ JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN
DR. RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
You just can’t make this stuff up. For as long as the Net prospers so will my coffers of stupid remain full. Long live the Internet.
Now that most of the drama is over concerning my broken leg it’s time to get back to the serious business of blogging. This country is on the road to Obamacare whether we like it or not. The country was fed a bill of goods and we and our children and grandchildren will now pay for that mistake. There’s nothing all that funny about it except for this article I found recently. This is the kind of thing we can look forward to dealing with on a regular basis once Obamacare is in full swing.
* * *
Update on Nancy’s Surgery
Dear Family and Friends,
Most of you know our friend Nancy went in for a Butt Lift surgical procedure using the ObamaCare Medical Plan.
She didn’t have the most pleasant experience and should have just left well enough alone. We wanted to show you the results so you’ll have some idea of the quality of care you’ll receive from the Affordable Healthcare Act(ObamaCare).
Please . . Whatever you do DO NOT get a Butt Lift through the ObamaCare Medical Plan. The ObamaCare qualified Doctor who handled Nancy’s surgery was a 3rd year foreign exchange medical student making 12 bucks an hour.
You’ve been warned!
I also found these two limericks which I thought were poignant and conveyed my thoughts perfectly on Obama. They were obtained from a web site that held an Obama limerick contest. Thanks to these creative individuals for giving me a chuckle or two. I hope you enjoy them as well.
Submitted by surfdt
He promised us change and we got it
Though not quite the way that we thought it
To his left he owes debt
To his right, deep regret
And our kids will be broke cause we bought it.
Submitted by Ed Coyne
There once was a man from Nantucket
OBAMA SUCKS!
(Sorry, I’ve just never been good at rhyming)
I love the English language. I jut wanted to put that out there to help readers understand this blog is not TWITTER. Here at Every Useless Thing we need way more than 140 characters to make a point. The Twitter language which has been developing for the youngest of the sound bite generations leaves me #effingcold. If you’re a constant Twitter user then you’ve already begun to think in their terms as well as write that way. Twitter is in too much of a hurry for me which results in a blog here that’s comfortable to read and comment on. Relax, enjoy and don’t stress out trying to get all of your thoughts on a complex subject jammed into 140 characters. Let’s begin.
* * *
One of the more interesting things for me in the language are palindromes. For those of you who don’t know, palindromes are words or phrases that spell the same forward and backward. The palindromic words are cool but the phrases are mind boggling.
Two Words
Dump mud.
Party trap
Stack cats.
Short Phrases
Never odd or even.
Live not on evil.
Pa’s a sap.
Pull up, Bob, pull up.
Crazy Phrases
We panic in a pew.
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
Did Mom poop? Mom did.
* * *
I’ve always been a big fan of Harry S. Truman. A down-to-earth president who had the unique ability to cut right threw the normal political BS and get to the point. Reporters in those days must have loved covering him. Here’s one of my favorite Truman quotes:
“Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day”
Another of my favorites was H. L. Mencken. I’m especially awed by anyone who can become so famous that his words and phrases are quoted endlessly by millions of people. He was something I’ve aspired to be my whole life. A genuine “wise ass”. Here’s a few of his more interesting thoughts:
“Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage.”
A statement more true now than ever before in our history. Here’s another:
“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
I’ve been called a cynic by some and I wear that as a badge of honor. Without we cynics everyone would be an idealist. Mencken had a thought about them as well.
“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.”
* * *
Here’s an interesting Star Wars factoid. The name of R2-D2 came about while George Lucas was filming American Graffiti. During a sound-mixing session, editor Walter Murch asked him for R2, D2 (Reel 2, Dialogue 2) of the film. Lucas liked the name so much that he made a note of it, and eventually found the right character for it.
* * *
What famous Hollywood comedian said the following": “I learned about sex watching neighborhood dogs. The most important thing I learned was: Never let go of the girl’s leg no matter how hard she tries to shake you off.
nitraM evetS
* * *
That’s enough of this mind numbing useless crap for today. There’s much more to come in the future and I’m sure you’re thrilled to death knowing that. Over and out from a cynical wiseass.
I’ve spent most of my adult life working with an odd assortment of people. I was an investigator in the Army which required me to interrogate people who spoke little or no English through an interpreter. A difficult task at best since many times the interpreter only knew enough English to get by. Years later as a police officer I was introduced to a host of criminal types, drug users, child abusers, and perverts. The first and most important thing during those interviews and interrogations required a reasonable knowledge of the subjects motivations and state of mind. For the most part it was an interesting and emotionally draining experience.
I had an excellent rate of success in my endeavors because I was able to develop a quick rapport with my subjects in a very short period of time. This remained the case through more than ten thousand interviews conducted in the years just prior to my retirement. I felt I had the ability to interrogate, interview, and understand anyone regardless of the situation. I was flexible enough to adapt to their way of thinking, find the problem, and fix it with a minimum of effort. Was I over confident? I didn’t think so at the time but I do now.
I finally met my match recently when I was dropped into a situation that befuddled me. I had little or no experience with young children and when my step-grandson was born my education in dealing with people took a strange turn. He communicates with his world of adults during this first year without language. He uses hand gestures and a collection of facial expressions to get his messages across which continue to puzzle most of us. He’s within a month or two from actually speaking understandable words and he’s currently babbling a constant stream of unintelligible nonsense. It appears to make some sort of sense to him but leaves us adults dazed and confused.
My best chance of understanding him will occur once he decides to start saying something I can understand. I decided to do a little more research into the mind set of a very young person who has no apparent life experience to draw from. How tough can it be I asked? Where do I start? I found the following article while surfing the Net and as soon as I read it I knew it held the answers I’d been looking for. A simple and brief list of how the mind of a very young child is motivated and feels about the things and people around them. The list is funny but without a doubt as close to the truth as I could find. See what you think.
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it
automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.
I’m going to post a copy of this list on my frig and read it as many times as necessary each and every time the little guy pisses me off or does something inappropriate. This list explains everything in a way even I can understand. Be patient, no screaming or yelling, and no punishing for things he doesn’t yet understand. Just stand back and gently guide him in the direction we want him to go. They’ll be plenty of time later for guidance and instructions once he can talk and reply. Being able to speak and ask questions will make things so much easier for us both (I hope).
Being the first born grandchild in a family is a nice place to find yourself. I was the first born grandchild in my family and I milked it for all it was worth with my grandparents. I’m about to experience the whole thing again but from the opposite perspective. It should be interesting.
Why are farts and farting so funny? I don’t have the answer to that either but you have to admit the subject is always hilarious and 99% of the population would agree. As I’ve traveled around I’ve become attuned over time to those particular body movements when one is on the way and the ever so unusual sounds used in attempts to disguise those SBD’s (Silent But Deadly).
Yesterday was a good example. I stopped by a local Target store to pickup a few items. The place was crowded with the normal assortment of customers all roaming around doing shopping stuff. I was walking through the Kitchen Department minding my own business when I walked into a cloud of what can only be called toxic fumes. About five steps away from me was the only other occupant of the aisle and the obvious depositor of that nasty gas cloud. She refused to look at me and stood quietly staring at her shoes. If she thought playing possum was going to work she had another think coming. I slowly edged toward her as I was pretending to peruse the items on the shelf hoping to pull the cloud along with me. Of course I was holding my breath the entire time. She waited until I was very close and then glanced my way and smiled a cutesy little grin. She then squirmed a little which should have been a red flag for me and quickly walked away. I took one additional step and got nailed by another fart cloud that was so bad my eyes began watering and making it impossible to see for a few seconds. The perp had disappeared in that cloud of noxious fumes after her successful double ambush. She was one of those perverted types who love to stick around to watch their victims suffer. For someone so young she was a real pro.
My father would have been so proud of her. He was a master of filling an aisle with a nasty fart and then walking away. His farts had a "hang time" of five or six minutes which I’ve never been able to duplicate. He would stand in the next aisle and get off listening to the people gag and curse as they were enveloped. He never felt the need to stick around and see his results in person.
I felt a little violated and somewhat disgusted by her cowardly act of fart terrorism. I decided to do the normal and well thought out thing, revenge. It was time to locate and identify another unsuspecting victim and pass it on.
You need to remember that for the last two months I’ve been strictly following a diet which requires that I eat tons of vegetables. I’ve become a stinky, nasty, and disgusting fart machine. I no longer have total control of my farting and seem to be farting non-stop most of the time. I walked into the Cosmetic Department and settled in to lay my trap. An older woman and her two young daughters made the mistake of cruising through the danger zone. I laid down a path of cucumber and onion gas that was so bad I had to leave immediately. I stood nearby and waited and discovered that Mom had some mouth on her. She was gagging and cursing loudly and the two girls immediately fled the scene. They wanted that to avoid the gas cloud and also the embarrassment of their Mommy’s trash mouth. I freaking loved it.
You have to admit, that was damn funny. I know my later father is up there in heaven (maybe) and laughing his ass off. He was always big on upholding family traditions and would be happy as hell to see that I’m still carrying on one of his favorites. Now for a funny fart joke and I’m done for today.
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
One last tidbit of a few new fart euphemisms I stumbled upon:
Mud Duck
Trouser Cough
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Have a wonderful day and be careful out there. You’ll never know which aisle will be “The One” until it’s too late.
Yesterday I was a little bored which might explain why I was visiting Craig’s List. I’m not a huge fan of the site because getting up close and personal with anonymous crazies is not my thing. The history of Craig’s List and it’s problems are well known and need no further explanations from me. I do enjoy reading many of their ads which can be both unusual and occasionally funny.
Funny ads are nothing new. Over the years I’ve been drawn to newspapers and magazine ad sections to get a laugh or two. The Penny Saver newspapers and their ilk are by far the best. The following collection includes a few of those types of ads that made me “laugh out loud” when I read them. It amazes me how the ad writers can inject such humor into their ads and most times don’t even realize it.
* * *
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB —
$850/best offer
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS FOR SALE.
NEVER BRED CALVES.
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES
GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN – 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED – USED ONCE
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE A REWARD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS – $175.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE…
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS, FOR SALE BY OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUMES. EXCELLENT CONDITION. $1,000.00 NEGOTIABLE. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED; WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
* * *
Why is it that spontaneous and unplanned humor like these ads can be funnier that a lot of the professionally constructed jokes we hear every day. I find this stuff hilarious and there seems to be an endless supply.
I guess it’s time for another trivia challenge for all of you trivia maniacs out there. Today’s 10 questions should be categorized as miscellaneous. They are a mixed bag of facts that might just interest you a little. I took this quiz myself as I put it together but I’m not admitting how badly I did. Let’s just say I scored higher than one and less than four. I’m so ashamed.
As always the correct answers will be posted tomorrow. If you score anything higher than a four your doing really well and should be proud. Good luck!
* * *
1. What was the original name of the Girl Scouts?
2. In 1937, sewing machine heiress Daisy singer Alexander put her will in a model and tossed it into the Thames River near London. Where and when did it wash up?
3. What day is the middle day of the year in a non-leap year?
4. For what magazine did Hugh Hefner serve as circulation manager while he was raising money to launch Playboy?
5. What did Lizzie Borden, Napoleon, and Titian have in common?
6. By what name was Nobel Peace Prize winner Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu better known?
7. What do the letters stand for in the acronym CARE, the name of the relief organization established in 1945?
8. What is the telephone area code for a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean?
9. What unusual twosome spoke at ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s funeral in 1979?
10. Why is the phrase "the quick brown fox jumps over lazy dog" used to check typewriters?
* * *
There you have it. Now before I finish this posting I’ll throw in another filthy yet funny limerick. You can never ever have enough limericks, dirty or otherwise. If you’re offended by this off-color humor, too bad.
There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil.
everyuselessthing.com 