Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
With all this heat we’ve been suffering through I discovered just how many things there are that annoy me when I’m all hot, sweaty, and irritable. My normal list of annoyances has increased by a factor of ten.
I realize the heat makes it even worse but it getting ridiculous. Yesterday I found myself annoyed by a plane flying over my house. The fact that it was at least 25,000 feet high made no difference. Those bastard pilots. It’s getting out of control and I’m praying for cooler weather before someone decides to kick my ass.
I jotted down a few more that some of you will hopefully agree with.
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People who wait in a long checkout lines and then can’t find their checkbook or credit card.
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People who are constantly late.
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Commercials that are so much louder than the TV shows.
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Grocery shopping carts with a bad wheel.
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Co-workers that try to sell stuff to you at work.
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People who make small talk with a cashier when there’s a long line behind them.
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Stores with TV monitors at the checkouts that play commercials.
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TV shows and commercials ads with ringing doorbells or phones, which make you think the sound is coming from your house.
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Waiters/waitresses with dirty fingernails.
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Fake laughter.
The more I think about this list the longer it gets. I’m going to keep on rolling and hopefully I’ll reach the end of this nonsense.
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Stepping on a wet spot with my socks on.
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Drivers who won’t turn right on red.
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Being asked for my account number after I already entered it using the keypad on my phone.
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Celebrities preaching to me about politics.
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People saying "What’s up?" instead of saying "hi or hello".
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The lame-ass naming of celebrity couples.
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Suburban kids who think they’re gangstas.
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People who refer to themselves in the third person.
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Rappers who thank God at awards ceremonies.
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Mumbling, then annoyingly saying "Forget it!" when people don’t hear you.
Still going strong but I seem to be feeling a little better by unburdening myself like this.
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Business buzz words: synergistic, globalize, paradigm shift.
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People who dress their pets.
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Annoying nervous laughter.
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Someone opening a cabinet door or drawer and leaving it open.
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People who say "carmel" instead of "caramel".
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Overuse of the word "Like"
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Mispronunciation of words.
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People who are over age 21 who say the word "dude" way too often.
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When people use the word "literally" inappropriately. I.e. "I literally almost jumped out of my skin."
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People who bring their babies to the movies.
Wow, I’m starting to think almost everything is annoying me these days.
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When someone blows their nose in your presence and then proceeds to look at the results.
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Flood pants on men.
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People who don’t listen when you are talking to them.
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Using the toilet paper down to the last few squares without getting a new roll.
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People abbreviating words when they speak.
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Rude people talking at movies.
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Barking dogs.
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Having to explain the same thing more than once.
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People who don’t flush the toilet.
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When coffee spills out of the top drinking hole at Dunkin Donuts.
I’ve got to stop this foolishness. If I add just one more item to this list I’ll start annoying myself and for some reason that just seems wrong. Being annoyed by myself while listing annoyances of other people that annoy everyone else. It’s a conundrum I tell you. I think it’s time for all of you to make your own list. It’s annoying that you haven’t completed one already so get to it.
Man it’s hot in here.
I think I’m in the proverbial dog house after yesterdays posting on female breasts. My better-half was not too pleased with that posting so I’ve got to be punished. It’s something that happens between us every time I step out of line which occurs more often than I care to admit.
I’ve been thinking of possible ways to calm the waters but my choices are somewhat limited. I finally realized that the thing she loves most in this world (after me I hope) is beer. What could I possibly write about beer to make her happy. Besides giving her a case of cold beer wrapped in a ribbon I actually considered having a tap installed on the kitchen sink. Hot water, cold water, and beer at the ready for quick access. I decided that was a little more than she actually deserved after putting me on the defensive like this.
My solution is the beer trivia collection that follows. I found so many interesting beer facts that this will be Beer List #1. I’ll follow with the second half of the list in a week or so. Hopefully this will end the cold shoulder treatment and get me back into her good graces. We shall see.
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According to The Code of Hammurabi of ancient Babylonia (c. 1750 B.C.) a merchant could be put to death for diluting beer.
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1810: Munich establishes Oktoberfest as an official celebration.
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A beer lover or enthusiast is called a cerevisaphile.
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After consuming buckets of aul (or ale), the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle, often without armor or even shirts. In fact, "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
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Historians report that during the Middle Ages, when monks were brewing their beer in their monasteries, each monk was allowed to drink 5 quarts of beer a day.
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A beer a day… Beer was used to treat over 100 illnesses in Egypt, 1600 BC.
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In the 13th century, King Wenceslas convinced the Pope to revoke an order banning the brewing of beer in Czech territories (no wonder he was known as ‘Good King Wenceslas).
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In 1116 BC, Chinese imperial edict stated that heaven required people to drink beer.
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In English pubs, unruly customers were told to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down – and so began the phrase "mind your P’s and Q’s.
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Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold and the yeast wouldn’t grow; too hot and the yeast would die. This ancient practice is where we get the phrase ‘rule of thumb’.
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Cenosillicaphobia is the fear of an empty glass.
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In a Czech beer house, the bartender will refill your glass every time you empty it until you place your coaster on top of your glass, signaling that you have had enough.
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The first brewery in America was built in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1642.
Germany serves beer ice cream in popsicle form. Its alcoholic content is less than that found in "classic" beer.
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Saint Arnold, a bishop born in 580, is considered the patron saint of beer. He encouraged people to drink beer instead of water during the Plague.
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Anheuser-Busch is the largest brewery in the US.
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If you collect beer bottles you’re a labeorphilist.
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The most expensive beer in the world? It’s called “Tutankhamen” and is prepared according to the recipe recovered by a group of University of Cambridge archaeologists in Queen Nefertiti’s Temple of the Sun in Egypt. It costs US $52 a bottle, and is produced in limited and numbered edition.
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The pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock because they ran out of beer. Although they planned to continue down the east coast, the Mayflower’s log explains the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".
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The music for "The Star Spangled Banner" was derived from a British drinking song called "Anacreon".
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Assyrian tablets from 2000 BC stated that Noah was carrying beer aboard the ark.
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The United States two-dollar bill features three brewers: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Samuel Adams. In fact, George Washington installed a brew house on his grounds at Mount Vernon.
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The longest bar in the world is the 684 foot long New Bulldog in Rock Island, IL.
There you are my darling. A partial list of beer related facts and lore that should stop this madness. Please welcome me back into the fold with a big wet sloppy kiss and a huge hug. I promise to try harder to be the boring and uninteresting person you’re looking for. How’s that for a half-assed apology.
On top of everything else, I really hate beer.
Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day. These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.
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The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
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The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
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The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
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The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
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On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
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No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
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There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
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Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
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A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
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65% of statistics are made up.
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More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
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A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
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Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
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Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
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Porcupines float in water.
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"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
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The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
I’s good to remember these factoids. Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy. Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things. Again, you’re welcome.
I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude. The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section. Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.
Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer. He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations. He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame. Hold your nose with one hand and read on.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
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I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
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Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
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In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me. At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again. Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me.
So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution. Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.
With the holiday fast approaching I decided to have an easy day by posting some more of that useless crap everyone seems to love. Some of these are really interesting and others not so much. I hope you trivia lovers out there make good use of this valuable and uninteresting nonsense.
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A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
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When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop … even your heart.
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40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
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The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
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The average housefly lives for one month.
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A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
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The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
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Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
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The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it’s head are the rabbit and the parrot.
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Michael Jackson’s estate owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
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In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
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The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
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Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
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Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
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There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
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A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
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There are more chickens than people in the world.
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Two-thirds of the world’s eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
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The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
I’m still debating with myself as to what sort of posting I should do for the holiday. I’m not really interested in flying the flag with all of the normal corny stuff you might expect. I’ve done it in the past but it leaves me feeling a little disappointed in myself that I can’t come up with something a little more original. I’m sure to have it figured out by tomorrow.
I find women interesting and the older I get the more interesting they become. Highly emotional with all of the accompanying maternal instincts that pretty much control their lives. The consequences of being the child bearing gender are many but in small doses they aren’t too bad. As with everything else, too much of a good thing can end up being a real problem.
It’s been my observation that certain women have children, love them, raise them, and send them on their way. You’d think they’d be happy to have accomplished such a difficult task as having and then raising a child or two or three or even four. I guess it all depends on the individual woman.
Normally what occurs after the nest has been emptied is their subtle and sometimes subconscious need to try and refill it. Who’s the only logical candidate to help them accomplish that? The poor spouse or partner. He becomes the target of all those wonderful traits that attracted him to her in the first place. It’s a totally different situation when she begins treating her spouse or partner like he’s a prepubescent child. The hovering and constant nit-picking can drive a person over the edge.
How can a man deal with these problems without getting angry and hurting her feelings? Not an easy proposition but unless you find a solution there could be big trouble in River City.
Fortunately if the woman is reasonably aware of what she’s doing and after a period of time (hopefully short) and with the man’s help this phase will pass and life can return to normal (whatever that is). As a man your lucky if this Empty-Nest Syndrome passes quickly and the one thing that can make that happen is the arrival of that first grandchild. All of those pent up motherly feelings can now be targeted to the new baby which in turn makes the man’s life a little easier (but not for long).
Just when you think your life will finally calm down without any more unneeded drama the scariest thing you could ever imagine arrives, “THE CHANGE”. Night sweats, hot flashes, temper tantrums, and a really unfriendly alter-ego that turns your soulmate and life partner into Mrs. Hyde. It could take years for this to come and go and it is one helluva a rough ride for all involved.
I found out the hard way just how bad it can be but after much experimentation I discovered a simple way to short circuit the Change a little. You can’t cure the physical side effects of the Change but you can lessen the impact of the other symptoms with a healthy dose of humor. It’s almost impossible for her to be totally crazy if you can keep her laughing. Mix in healthy doses of hugging, touching, and other dangerous activities and you may just survive to reach the promised land. The promised land is that wonderful place where you can have all the sex you want without fear of pregnancy. It’s weird that Mother Nature makes you wait until old age for this to occur. It would have been nicer to have that luxury back in my thirties.
There you have it. You’re now in your sixties, retired, and have all the time in the world for all that sex you’ve always complained you never had time for. Unfortunately you also no longer have the kind of stamina that’s necessary to fulfill all of your insane sex fantasies. On top of that you have aches and pains in odd places making things even more interesting and difficult.
Mother Nature is one ironic and totally unfunny woman.
Today is a very special day here at Every Useless Thing. I’m officially opening the doors to the E.U.T. University of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We have the answers but only you permanent students will be permitted to share that information with us. I know it’s a great honor and you should consider yourself very fortunate.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known to us but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be properly informed.
Lesson #1 – How did the word "shit” originate?
It’s been claimed by some that the word ‘shit” originated in the 16th century, when manure was transported by ship. The dry manure weighed little and was stowed below deck. When mixed with water, however, it gained in weight and began to ferment, producing methane gas, which, when exposed to a naked flame, would ignite, causing explosions and fire. Because of these accidents, crates of manure were labeled “Ship High In Transit’ to indicate that the crates were to be stowed above the deck, so that any water that the ship took on would not come into contact with them.
Unfortunately, this explanation is totally false and we here at EUTU through years of detailed research have discovered the real truth. Take good notes on this lesson because this “shit’” information will be included on your first POoP quiz.
The word “shit” is from the middle English word “shitten”, which in turn derived from the old English word “scitan”, from “besciten”, which meant “to be covered with excrement” and is in turn thought to originate from the Indo-European root “skei”. The word “shite”, meanwhile, is a variant form of the word as found in some dialects in Ireland and Scotland, as well as in colloquial English.
There you have the truth of the matter.
Lesson #2 – Why do men often shiver after urinating?
I’m not entirely sure our women students will be all that interested in this phenomenon but since it is an official part of the curriculum and will most certainly be included in future tests please pay close attention ladies.
After a man has finished urinating, it’s common for him to experience a shiver over his entire body. It is technically called post-micturition convulsion syndrome, and scientists are not exactly sure why it occurs. One theory is that urination results in heat loss after the warm urine has been expelled from the body, or through exposing the penis to the air, causing the body to shiver.
Meanwhile another theory suggests that the urination reflex is relayed through the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for both contracting the urethra to hold in the urine and relaxing it to allow the urine to flow out. Also, as urine is released there is often a change in blood pressure, which might also explain the shivering. Shivering is most common in men and some actually find the experience pleasurable or even mildly erotic.
I can verify these statements because I’ve been experiencing that “shiver” myself for decades. I only pass that information along to you students because I’m a responsible educator with a passion for the truth.
That’s the final lesson for today. Break into study groups and ”bone up” on this important information. It seems that if two or more students can study together the results are much more satisfying.
CLASS DISMISSED
I know all of you are just sitting there and waiting for the answers to yesterday’s celebrity quiz. Here’s the complete list of celebrities with their aliases. How did you really do?
Boris Karloff…..William Henry Pratt
Mary Pickford…..Gladys Smith
Audrey Hepburn…..Edda Van Heemsta
Samuel Goldwyn…..Sam Goldfish
W.C. fields…..William Claude Dunkenfield
Martin Sheen…..Ramon Esteves
Michael Keaton…..Michael Douglas
Roy Rogers…..Leonard Slye
Dale Evans…..Francis Octavia Smith
Mel Brooks…..Melvin Kominsky
Jane Wyman…..Sarah Jane Folks
Whooping Goldberg…..Caryn Johnson
Joan Crawford…..Lucille Le Sueur
Woody Allen…..Allen Stewart Kinigsberg
Charlie Sheen…..Carlos Esteves
On to the next subject. As promised, another list of totally useless information I’ve collected from all sorts of sources both on the net and elsewhere.
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Twenty-eight percent of Africa is wilderness while thirty eight percent of North America is wilderness.
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A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
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A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
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Take your height and divide by eight. That’s how tall your head is.
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One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.
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Approximately $25 million is spent each year on lap dances in Las Vegas.
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23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
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Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
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Coca-cola was originally green.
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The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s "It’s a Wonderful Life".
Are you feeling smarter now? Slowly but surely I’m filling your heads with mind numbing information which you’ll probably never use in any conversation and will most likely forget by Monday. It’s my insidious plot to takeover the world, one mind at a time.
It’s time to get back to the kind of postings everyone seems to enjoy. So today will be all about celebrities. It must be nice to have the ability to change your name at any time. There have been times in my life when I wished I could change my name and start fresh some where else. A really cool name that sounded just right and might make help people to remember me. I always thought my first name was dull because it seemed to be overused. JOHN! How boring can you get? For a time I was called Charlie based on my middle name but it didn’t stick. I also never was able to pull off a really cool nickname and to this day I still don”t understand why.
Oh well, lets move along to today’s posting. I’m going to supply you with two lists, each with fifteen names. The first will contain the names of fifteen famous celebs you should be familiar with and a second list of fifteen with their original birth names. Some will be easy to figure out but most will be much more difficult. No fair sneaking off to use search engines because that’s just cheating. I’ll post both lists tomorrow with the correct answers.
The Celebrity Aliases
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Boris Karloff
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Mary Pickford
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Audrey Hepburn
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Samuel Goldwyn
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W.C. Fields
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Martin Sheen
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Michael Keaton
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Roy Rogers
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Dale Evans
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Mel Brooks
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Jane Wyman
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Whooping Goldberg
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Joan Crawford
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Woody Allen
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Charlie Sheen
Now for their real birth names. It makes it much easier to understand why their names were changed. I can’t imagine seeing some of these names in the credits at the end of a film. Maybe their agents, friends, and studio heads were correct. Here are their actual names in no particular order. Match them up if you can.
The Actual Monikers
I told you they’d be tough. I honestly struggled to get just four correct. More useless information is scheduled for tomorrow along with todays answers. Have fun.
I spend a great deal of my time these days adapting to a whole list of changes to my life I never anticipated or expected. I thought that as I grew older things would settle down somewhat and the amount of change I’d be forced to deal with would lessen. Wrong once again.
One obvious change that occurs to us all eventually is getting older. Adjusting to it sounds easy but as all of you will find out eventually, it isn’t. You must learn to adapt to your new position in society of being the older person, constantly accused by almost everyone with being out of touch with our current reality. Even people you know and love begin treating you differently and it can be hurtful.
Everyone assumes that once you reach a certain age you’re all of a sudden a mouth-breathing moron with no working memory. Snide little comments from loved ones are especially hurtful but you must learn to adapt. Some seniors become bitter and spiteful only because they can’t think of any better solutions. Those kind of actions just further that ugly senior stereotype that require the infamous eye-roll or the subtle shoulder shrug between people you’re talking to when you’re not looking. It’s disrespectful and rude but your hands are tied. If you confront them then your being old, difficult, and set in your ways. If you turn the other cheek it just makes the possibility of it occurring again much more likely.
So here’s a few tips for you seniors out there. Keep up with all of the Pop Culture nonsense so when someone in their teens or twenties mentions a celebrity you have a clue. Be able to talk about something other than your current medical conditions. Fight the stereotype everyday. If you take a backseat to discussions that make you uncomfortable that’s where you’ll be relegated to stay for the rest of your life.
Our past memories really don’t interest most people because "it’s all about them”. Only people your own age can appreciate many of the things from our youth and the drastic differences we now must deal with. It’s hard work to keep up with this balls-to-the-wall insanity we call our every day life. Spend time with people other than other seniors. Carry on meaningful conversations about politics, relationships, and child rearing. Not everything we remember is just old-folks reminiscing. We’ve already experienced this stull and can be helpful if we pass the information along intelligently and not preaching. No one likes to be preached to.
The following information should make most seniors smile. If read by anyone younger it would seem to them like they’ve been foraging through an archeological dig in Egypt and found a transcript of life in the days of old. Read on and learn something if you’re interested, if not don’t.
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HIGH SCHOOL — 1958 vs. 2013
Scenario 1:
Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck’s gun rack.
1958 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2013 – School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013 – Police called and SWAT team arrives — they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They’re both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1958 – Jeffrey sent to the Principal’s office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2013 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 – Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2013 – The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1958 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1958 – Ants die.
2013 – ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents – and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny’s dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Is it any wonder why we at times choose to look back. This is the reason we occasionally reminisce and really, do you blame us. If I could go back and do my life over again I sure wouldn’t do it now, in this time and place. Just saying.
everyuselessthing.com 