Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag
You are disgusting! I wish I had a dollar for ever time someone has said that to me. Normally it’s a women who has been raised and brainwashed into believing that all men are the most crude and disgusting animals on the planet. I understand their feelings to a point but I hate people who broad brush groups with facts that may or may not be true.
I don’t find myself any more or any less disgusting than most women. As human beings our entire everyday existence is disgusting. I’m about to lay some facts on you that you’ve probably never heard. You women out there who insist that men are more disgusting than women, pay attention. We get out of bed every morning just like you and go about our life doing all the little normal things that you do. We brush our hair, we sleep in a bed, we go to the bathroom, and a thousand other things that all of us humans pay little or no attention to. If you’re one of those obsessive/compulsive folks with issues about germs and dirt you might want to stop reading now. This is sure to upset you more than just a little. And ladies, after reading the following list you may have to rethink calling us men disgusting. All human beings are disgusting in one way or another including yourselves.
-
An average person’s yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
-
Most of the dust underneath your bed is actually your own dead skin.
-
A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day.
-
A toothbrush within 6 feet of a toilet can get airborne bacteria from flushing.
-
According to U.S. FDA standards, 1 cup of orange juice is allowed to contain 10 fruit fly eggs, but only 2 maggots.
-
An average adult produces about half a liter of flatulent gas per day, resulting in an average of about fourteen occurrences of flatulence a day.
-
Every day, the average person swallows about a quart of mucous.
-
More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a typical French kiss.
-
One in three motorists pick their nose while driving.
-
The average office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.
-
There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.
-
You inhale about 700,000 of your own skin flakes each day.
-
On a daily average you will inhale 1 liter of others anal gasses.
-
An average person will consume 12 pubic hairs in their fast food annually.
-
If you swim one hour in a public pool you will intake 1/12 liters of urine.
-
Diarrhea induced E.Coli was found on 10% of coffee mugs in the U.S.
-
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and did not wash their hands.
-
Through contact with door knobs, counter tops, and other daily objects your hand will come in contact with 15 penises a day.
I think I’ve made my point in as a disgusting way as I can. Everyone now stand up near your computer, laptop, tablet, or smart phone and repeat after me. WE ARE ALL DISGUSTING! Thank you for your attention.
This has been a slow news day for me. I was so excited to complete my room remodel that I celebrated a little too much and got stupid a whole lot. The sun was shining, the temperature was in the high sixties, and I was on the deck catching some rays and loving life. Portions of our deck are protected from the wind so I was hot and sweaty in the sun but then when the wind shifted the temperature dropped about fifteen degrees. I didn’t let it phase me or so I thought.
Last night at nine I started feeling a bit flushed and then a little clammy. Right as I was going to bed I felt that well known indicator of bad things to come, a scratchy throat. I hoped and prayed I was wrong but I knew I wasn’t. At three in the morning I woke up coughing and with a light fever. At four I was awakened because I was having difficulty breathing from congestion in my head and chest. It was quickly becoming a really bad day.
I seem to have lost the good health battle to a rather fast moving virus of some sort. I honestly don’t think it’s the flu because of the speed at which it’s progressing. I’ve been low on energy all day today and been doing all of the normal run-of-the-mill remedies to help myself through this. Lots of liquids, rest, an occasional throat lozenge, and a few Tylenol. It’s now four in the afternoon and things are status quo.
I hate being sick and confined to bed but my better-half (the female warden of this prison) has laid down the law. I’m in freaking jail with no chance of parole at least until the fever breaks. I’ll only be allowed out to play with the other kids after I start feeling better and when I stop being a whinny baby (her choice of words, not mine).
So this posting will lack my normal sarcastic bent because my head hurts and I’m in dire need of a lengthy but loving back rub. The warden says if I’m good I can watch some TV and she’ll make me some chicken soup. Screw the soup, I want a really detailed and thorough sponge bath with all the trimmings. It would lower my rising temperature, clean my filthy body, and give me a cheap thrill or two if she does it just right.
So that’s it for today. I can see the warden heading my way with that Nurse Ratched look on her face. I hope she’s not going to try that enema thing again. LOL
Everyday seems like an adventure to me and not always in a good way. I constantly people watch like everyone else but most things that make me the craziest occur in retail stores, specifically at the checkouts. I worked for retail companies for almost twenty years and hated every minute of it. Companies are always preaching "Good Customer Service" but it never seems to happen. The reason is simple. You need good people as customers to start with. Here’s a partial list of recent things that make me want to scream and run from the building.
-
Store Checkout Lines – Just once I’d love to get into a checkout line and be rung out immediately and leave smiling and happy. I’ve been waiting for that for decades but it never seems to occur. It’s always the wrong lane for me. I could have one guy in front of me with six items and as soon as I line up behind him the cashier has to page for a price check or has to send an employee back into the store for a price because no one responded to the damn page. If it’s like this for everyone else then we have an even a bigger problem than I first thought.
-
Express Lanes – Don’t even get me started. Fourteen items or twenty items, it doesn’t matter how many. I guarantee the person in front of me will have fifty freaking items. If you say something then you’re the asshole. If you don’t then you end up being pissed off all day and taking it out on someone else either in another store or at home.
-
Line Jumpers – The store opens a new register when your third in line at a busy one. Before you can react, the people five places behind you in your line dash to the new register. I have a new term for you to mull over, "Store Rage". It’s these little things that begin to accumulate over the months and result in bigger and more interesting arguments at the most inopportune times.
-
English Speaking Cashiers – I love diversity as much as the next guy but you can’t hire people who don’t know the language of the customers they’re taking care of. Simple right? I guess not. Part of the problem is that out of every five cashiers hired, four either fail the background check or the drug test.
-
Chatty Cashiers – I hate to say this but they’re normally a chubby women in her fifties who wants to be everyone’s best friend and confidant. She spends more time yakking about stupid stuff than checking your purchases out. Please, shut the hell up, smile, and get me the hell out of the store.
-
Stupid Customers- Don’t show up at the registers with a bunch of products that are either missing bar codes or price tags. Don’t ask the cashiers to do price checks for you while there are twenty people in line behind you. Could someone be any more ignorant? It happens all the time.
-
Coupon Freaks – I love nothing better than being behind a women with forty items in her cart and a stack of thirty coupons that must be checked individually. The only thing worse is when the cashier discovers that more than half of the coupons are outdated or the customer is trying to scam her using incorrect products. Do your freaking shopping at three in the morning for God’s sake where you take all the time you like sorting through your bag full of coupons and the women with Food Stamps behind you can just wait. She’s probably just buying booze and cigarettes anyway.
I could continue this rant for another thirty paragraphs but I hope you’re getting my point. This posting was prompted by my last twenty visits to Walmart, Target, Kohl’s, and a host of others. I actually feel a lot better after venting like this but it’ll start building again as soon as I go shopping the next time. I really don’ t anticipate any improvement so expect another posting just like this in September. It’ll take that long to really piss me off again.
The straw that broke my back this time came to my attention from my better-half who still works for a major retailer. She’s front-end manager who’s required to babysit a large group of girls (not women) in their late teens and early twenties who really don’t want to work. They apparently live for drinking, partying, and screwing everyone they can get their hands on. The turnover is high as you’d expect but hiring really good employees is difficult when they pay slave wages. They recently hired a cashier who barely spoke English and who didn’t understand our monetary system. And they wonder why their customers are outraged when a cashier can’t make the correct change even after the register tells her how much it is.
I won’t even start with my experiences with the bastards using cell phones and texting while I wait impatiently in line behind them. Kill me I’m begging you.
Thank God for Amazon, Ebay, and Internet shopping.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been fascinated by death. While in the service and during my years as a police officer I was forced to see a great deal of it. I’m unshockable by death itself but not in the ways in which some people exit this reality.
I’ve been a big fan of the annual Darwin Awards for decades because they highlight the funny and odd ways people die. It’s not really macabre because humor makes dealing with almost anything easier. The Darwin Awards pick out a few selected incidents each year and give a fairly graphic description of their stupid, funny, and sometimes ironic deaths. I guess my one wish would be to die in any fashion that keeps me off their list. Dying in a stupid or embarrassing manner is just not acceptable.
I always knew there were many deaths that the Darwin people chose not to publicize so I decided to do some research of my own. Here are a few that caught my attention even though they didn’t make the cut for Darwin. They are from many countries and cover many decades of time.
-
In New Orleans in 1985 a guest at a party for lifeguards celebrating their first drowning-free swimming season in memory drowned Tuesday, the director of the New Orleans Recreation Department said today. Madlyn Richard, the department director, said the body of Jerome Moody was found on the bottom at the deep end of a department pool as the party ended. She said Mr. Moody, who was 31 years old, was not a lifeguard, but four lifeguards were on duty at the party.
-
Jim Fixx died in 1984 (ironically his arteries were plugged with too much cholesterol). He left a legacy of thousands of joggers and runners that he introduced to the pleasures and benefits of jogging and the sport of running. His book, The Complete Book of Running, became a best seller among running books. When Jim first took up running in the 1960’s, he weighed 220 lbs. By the time his book was published, he had trimmed down to 159 lbs, and was an accomplished runner.
-
An ice cream truck driver in Thailand died while laughing in his sleep. Damnoen Saen-um, 52, laughed for about two minutes yesterday and then stopped breathing, the Nation newspaper reported. Damnoen’s wife tried to wake him but he kept laughing. An autopsy suggested that he might have had a heart attack. "I have never seen a case like this. But it is possible that a person could have heart seizure while laughing or crying too hard in their sleep," said Dr. Somchai Chakrabhand, deputy director-general of the Mental Health Department.
-
A 38-year-old lawyer with the Toronto law firm of Holden Day Wilson, did indeed plunge to his death from the 24th floor of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower in front of several horrified witnesses. The firm’s spokesperson said “He was testing the strength of the window. There was a lot of joking about how the window wouldn’t open on a hot day. Apparently, it was the second attempt [at testing the window] that one of them popped out and he went through."
-
A church organist was found dead at his Teesside home naked inside a giant plastic bag. Ian Kemp, 48, from Stockton, was found alone in his house bound by his wrists and shins, an inquest heard. A vacuum cleaner was also connected to the bag and it is believed Mr Kemp died after the machine had sucked all the air out of the bag. Teesside Coroner Michael Sheffield said such incidents were sometimes connected to sexual gratification.
-
"Escape artist The Amazing Joe Burrus, a recovering drug addict, wanted to give back to society by performing a Houdini-like stunt for a rehab-clinic benefit in 1990. For the act, he was covered under six feet of dirt and wet cement in a locked coffin while bound in chains and handcuffs. After the nine tons of glop were poured on, the coffin collapsed and Burrus was buried alive."
-
Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston (both 21) worked together as waiters at the Wild Wing Café in Columbia, South Carolina. Now this is the Deep South: You must understand that here, lovebirds follow strict courtship rituals. Brent told Chelsea she was pretty as a picture. Her heart a-pitter-patter, Chelsea told Brent he was a most worthy gentleman caller. Then they went for a midnight fuck on the roof. We know they waited to get naked until reaching the building’s metallic pyramid-shaped roof because their clothes were found there. Their nude bodies were not so lucky, discovered lifeless on the street 50 feet below.
I recently had someone tell me in conversation that death by fire was a “terrible way to go”. I think he was full of it because in my humble opinion there is no good way to go. I’ve had people tell me they’d prefer to die while making love. Sorry, I’ll pass on that one too. I never want to die no matter what the circumstances. I plan on going kicking and screaming all the way.
There are a few things that are unavoidable in life. Death and taxes come to mind but a few others are almost as unavoidable especially if you’re a man. I’ve been around longer than I care to admit and that in itself has inevitably forced me to closely study and attempt to understand the human female. As hard as it is to believe, I’ve made very little progress. On any given day I’m confronted with comments from women about guys “leaving the seat up” or “being difficult to talk to” and a host of other broad-brush criticisms. All I can do is smile a little, say nothing, and be amused by the fact they really don’t understand us either.
Today was a perfect example. I was asked along on one of her famous shopping excursions so I prepared as I always do. I packed my e-reader, one book, and my camera. This is the basic survival equipment required for these short local shopping trips. I also have several other necessities I require for extended shopping trips that last more than three hours including but not limited to binoculars, a back scratcher, a pillow, and a a warm fuzzy blanket. Being a former Boy Scout I’m still a big believer in the motto, “Be Prepared”. I need these things to keep me comfortable as I wait in the car in front of every Kohl’s, Target, Michael’s, and Wal-Mart. The alternative is go in and push a cart around for a mile or two and idiot watch. Do I get any credit for just keeping her company? A big no. It’s always something like “you men, you never want to be with us. You just sit in the car and play with your toys”. How’s that for gratitude? I’ll have you know anything I own that cost me more than $400.00 is no freaking toy. Sorry, it just had to be said but unfortunately only the men are listening.
I have a few other issues with women but no one seems to pay much attention to my thoughts and conclusions. Simple stuff, like why does it take fifteen minutes to pull a car into the garage and get out. I’ve timed my better-half many times and it’s never takes her less than ten minutes. Gotta check the hair and the makeup (for some reason), then she goes through her bags (always carrying at least two), checks the back seat, glove compartment , and possibly her pulse and blood pressure as well. Do I loudly criticize her for these things? Not anymore. I gave up even mentioning them years ago because it was a waste of time. It goes in one ear and directly out the other.
What are my conclusions. I have none. But as a human male who is a long standing member of the Men’s union and a continuing target for female criticisms (valid or otherwise), I’ll keep trying to make sense of it all.
A few juicy wisecracks immediately come to mind but today I’ll ne nice. I won’t use them except in my own defense if she starts getting feisty when she can’t find clothes that will fit. I’ll do my best to convince her it’s not the fault of all the men in the world that she can’t fit her ass into a pair of jeans. I guarantee you she won’t believe a word of it.
This is what I would call a text book example of what a women would consider a normal relationship. They talk and we listen, just perfect.
It’s time once again for this blog to live up to it’s name. Another installment of totally useless information collected during a global search for just about anything that’s even a little bit interesting. I feel that everyone should have a few trivia items that aren’t commonly known to help amaze their friends and possibly win a bar bet or two. Spring is arriving and we need to lighten things up a little so here we go.
-
The average housewife walks 10 miles a day around the house doing chores. She walks 4 miles and spends 25 hours a year making beds.
-
President James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other—simultaneously! Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other, also simultaneously.
-
Attila the Hun was a dwarf. Pepin the Short, Aesop, Gregory of Tours, Charles III of Naples, and the Pasha Hussain were all less than 3 and a half feet tall.
-
Edgar Allan Poe and James Abbott McNeill Whistler both went to West Point.
-
The Amazon River discharges 4.2 million cubic feet of water per second in the Atlantic Ocean.
-
A rat can go without water longer than a camel can.
-
Mr. Potato Head was the first toy advertised on television.
-
An elephant may consume 500 pounds of hay and 60 gallons of water in a single day.
-
Malaria mosquitos are attracted to ripe Limburger cheese and smelly feet.
-
A fetus acquires fingerprints by the end of the first trimester.
-
One million stray dogs and 500,000 stray cats live in New York City metropolitan area. There are about 100 million dogs and cats in the United States. Americans spend more than 5.5 billion on their pets each year. Every hour, 12,500 puppies are born in the US.
-
In 2003, the personal fortune of writer J. K. Rowling of Harry Potter fame, surpassed that of the Queen of England.
-
A 2005 survey by CareerBuilder.com, 43% of Americans called in sick when there was nothing wrong with them.
-
The venom of the king cobra is so deadly that one gram of it can kill 150 people. Just to handle the substance can put one in coma.
-
A whale’s heart beats only nine times a minute.
-
A good milking cow will give nearly 6,000 quarts of milk every year.
-
Under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act, leeches and maggots are categorized as medical devices.
-
Male moose have antlers 7 feet across. The antlers often weigh 60 pounds.
You should be feeling extra smart right about now. Knowing these fact puts you in a category all your own. I didn’t say it was a good category but you’re definitely in it. You’re now an official trivia nerd and I guess congratulations are in order.
I have a few things that really bother me. I’m sure you do as well just like everyone else. I try not to let them make me too crazy but there are times I could just scream. Nothing really too earth shattering but just a number of little things that nag at me when I have time to sit and think about them. See if you agree.
Vegans – Why do certain people think that refusing to eat meat or fish makes them special. To be a true vegetarian and to stay healthy requires taking vitamin supplements. I love veggies as much as the next guy but only a fool could believe all the hype we’re constantly hearing. Get a clue people. Human beings are classified as omnivores for a reason. We’ve developed to the top of the food chain because of our ability to survive and flourish by eating a variety of both meats and vegetables. Extremes of any kind tend to be a problem for me and this is the perfect example. Oh yeah one more thing, if you’ve ever spent any time at all around Vegans you know their farts are the worst. Eat a burger stinky.
Organic food – This may be the biggest scam going. Slapping an organic label on just about anything gives companies the right to increase prices by at least thirty percent. I’m enough of a skeptic to believe that no checking is really done to verify those claims. Maybe in the future when I make homemade salsa, pickles, apple butter, and other products I’ll label them as organic. It wouldn’t be totally true but who cares. It’s all about making certain people feel like their eating healthy and making them pay for the privilege.
Pre-owned Cars – This is politically correct BS that just makes me crazy. Truth in advertising be damned. A freaking used car is a freaking used car. It’s not pre-owned or anything else. I suspect that once used cars became pre-owned the price just may have suddenly increased overnight. I’d like to meet the fast talking used car salesman that came up with that idea. He should be arrested and then beaten severely about the head and shoulders.
Decaf Coffee – I watched a middle aged and reasonably intelligent looking guy order a decaf coffee at a local donut shop recently and then watched the cashier write on the cup "Decaf". He immediately told the cashier to add a turbo shot of expresso to it as well. He must be married to a woman who requires him to drink only decaf coffee which will help him live fifteen minutes longer. He takes this approach so he can show her the cup to verify his purchase of decaf. If people realized how most decaf coffee was made they’d never drink it again. If you’re going to drink decaf, why bother drinking coffee at all.
Jehovah Witnesses – I’m not religious and having these folks show up unannounced and uninvited on my door step just pisses me off. For years I’d just tell them to go away and stop bothering me. Then I wised up and decided to play along with their routine. On one occasion I was dressed only in a pair of shorts on one hot summer afternoon. A young man and a young woman showed up and I cordially invited them in. As I sat there half naked listening to a few minutes of their bible readings I then went into my routine. I began asking them for all kinds of sexual advice since I was having serious problems with both my wife and my mistress. They were gone within minutes and I was never visited again while I lived there. It was fun too!
Push Up Bras – Let me qualify this one a little. I love shapely women or should I say I’ve loved shapely women but the trend these days with push-up bras is out of control. The last thing I need to see is a fourteen year old teenage girl who has yet to develop hips running around with what little boobs she has pushed up until they’re damn near rubbing on her chin. Just as bad are the adult women who shall we say are well endowed to start with but then wear a push-up bra to make it creepy and nasty looking. Stop the madness girls. Being a bit more subtle is way more sexier than what we’re seeing now.
These are just a few of the things that make me a little crazy. I’ll bet anything that if you’re honest with yourself your list is much longer than mine. Does my whining help fix these issues, not a chance. I have to admit it makes me feel a whole lot better venting to you.
Do you have any addictions that your not too proud of? I’m not talking about the regular run-of-the-mill addictions like drugs, booze, and sex but lesser known ones. This question came up while I was watching a television show called Strange Addictions. Not many shows have the capability to give me the creeps but this one did. These quirky addictions like eating dirt or dryer sheets to me aren’t really addictions. I’m not sure what the hell they are but OMG WTF is going in in this society when that needs to be broadcast to the world as entertainment.
I can understand wanting to bask in the glow of celebrity for fifteen minutes but apparently they are no ‘good taste’ limits anymore. Who in the hell goes on national television to tell the world how screwed up they are? Their families must be so proud. I’m also sure that some person or group would immediately step forward to defend this behavior with all sorts of justifications that by talking about these issues it’s possible to help others. I’m sorry but that sounds to me like a huge load of BS. Over the years I’ve developed one of the best BS detectors ever and I know when someone’s feeding me load of manure. By publicizing this odd and weird behavior nothing is truly being accomplished. It’s just another P.T. Barnum moment when the suckers are drawn in by the weirdness and the creators of these shows walk away with a great deal of money in their pockets.
No one has ever approached me about my addiction. My addiction is just as newsworthy as all of these others but I’ve yet to be offered a segment on any television show. My addiction isn’t the least bit horrible or disgusting unless your a member of the Muslim religion. So today is the day that I’m standing up and shouting out to the world that I’M ADDICTED TO BACON. I’ve reached out to many people for help with little or no success. It’s gotten so bad I’ve even considered coming out of my early retirement to buy property and open a pig farm. Then I could have an endless supply of that beautiful, crunchy, salty, and flavorful food.
My addiction is real, not exaggerated for television. I’ve lived with this for more than forty years and I’ll probably go to my death with the smell of bacon on my breath. Bacon and eggs, BLT’s, and bacon bits are the high lights of my week. I realize the dangers but I just can’t stop. It was easier to quite smoking after twenty years than to give up my wonderful bacon addiction.
I just finished reading an article about a product that is to be released soon. While it won’t help me with my addiction it seems that many woman with the same addiction are soon to be made very happy. It’s nice to see that some companies are stepping forward with new products that have sadly been missing from our lives for far too long. Read on.
I don’t think this what Bill Gates had in mind when he offered $100,000 to someone to invent the next generation condom. Just when you though the bacon fad was fizzling out, J&D’s Foods –the same Seattle-based company that brought us the bacon coffin and bacon mayonnaise (all real products) — now has introduced Bacon Condoms that claims to "make your meat look like meat." As an added bonus, each condom is coated with its very own J&D’s baconlube.
From a press release: "Truly the new standard of animal protein themed prophylactics Bacon Condoms are proudly Made in America of the highest quality latex and rigorously tested to help ensure the utmost reliability and safety for when you’re makin’ Bacon."
And just when you hoped America’s bacon fad was dying out, the company is also releasing Bacon Sunscreen. Why? According to the release, "science has shown us that 10 out of 10 people prefer the smell of Bacon to coconut, which makes this the most anticipated new product of the summer." Please, put a fork in it.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2013/03/28/company-releases-new-bacon-flavored-condoms/#ixzz2OvwKd19w
My life is now complete. If I buy these products it will not only greatly improve my sex life but the sex lives of bacon loving women everywhere. Stand up and declare your addiction ladies and then call me. Maybe we can get one of the networks to put us on the air and give us our fifteen minutes of fame. (Sarcasm Off)
Another winter in Maine is finally taking it’s last freaking gasp and will soon be gone. I have only one thing to say to that, "Good-bye, Good Riddance, and Go Away". In my opinion it’s overstayed it’s welcome by at least two weeks already. It’s much like a house guest who stays too long causing you to start out liking them, then disliking them, and finally detesting them.
I’m sitting in bed refusing to get up and start another day with the same mind crunching routine which I’ve fallen into of late. I first wake up slowly out of odd and strange dreams which usually amuse me, but not today. I make a bathroom pit stop, feed the cat, get my coffee, and return to the bed with my IPad. As I begin writing I’m also thinking about my work list for the day and cringe a little. After ten minutes I return to the kitchen for another cup of coffee and more visualization of the tasks ahead of me.
The room remodel has taken over my days but is much c.loser to completion than this time last week. Ninety percent of the drywall has been installed with the final sheets in place by this coming Friday. Then it’s a few days of sanding, priming, painting, putting up the new fixtures, wall plugs, light switches and baseboards and then DONE.
In order to complete these kinds of projects you really must have the proper motivation or it could stall and never be completed. That’s the job of my better-half. I’ve called her many things over the years but for right now she’s my motivator. Part of her skill set is knowing just when to tweak my nose about things to restart my engines and then haughtily walk away pretending she doesn’t care in the least. Some people might call that passive-aggressive, but not me. I call that motivation with a twist. For example I hear things like this, "Oh honey the room is really shaping up and the drywall looks amazing. It always surprises me that you are able to do this work as well as you do. It looks like there’s a bit of a gap between those two sheets. Is it supposed to be that wide? Will it make the drapes I just bought look like their hanging crooked? Don’t forget to fix that before we start painting." And so it goes!
She has no subtlety at all. She started a week ago arriving home from her shopping trips with questions about what furnishings would look best in the new room. What kind of older, cool looking vanity she would purchase for her huge collection of makeup and lotions. She dragged me out one day to just visit a few stores for an hour or so. I ended up looking at throw rugs and other assorted furnishings for the new room. She’s about as subtle as a hand grenade.
Regardless of all the gamesmanship the room will be completed at least two weeks ahead of schedule. Hooray for me because I’ve been assured and promised there would be no more major projects until next Fall. The translation of that promise is actually this, "Honey, I think the living room is looking too peachy. I’m really sick of that color and maybe we should change it out before any of the summer guests arrive. What do you think?
Like I said, subtle!
I had a relatively interesting day today. I was able to accomplish a few things that weren’t planned and somehow those always seem the best. People joke about spontaneity when discussing love and personal relationships but you never hear it in relation to other things. I have to admit that everything usually returns to people relationships but every once in a while it’s possible to be pleasantly surprised by an unplanned encounter.
My first spontaneous conversation and introduction to someone new occurred this morning. On a regular basis I turn into a recycling, take care of the environment, conscientious "Greenie". Every few weeks or so I trek to a place to recycle bottles, cans, and plastic containers. It’s one of my assigned duties from my better-half to religiously collect all this crap, save it in large bags, and then deliver it for CASH. All of a sudden I didn’t mind recycling if there was cash involved. I agreed to this chore as long as all those nickels remained in my pocket and not into the household general fund. And so began my adventures in doing my part to save the freaking environment.
I manage to make about $20.00 every six weeks thanks in great part to my better-half’s beer bottle contributions and a great number of plastic water bottles. Truth be told it’s a huge pain in the ass but I do it to keep peace in the household which makes the effort worthwhile. Also the cat loves it because all of my pet related expenses are paid for from this small but important fund. If by chance we have a party or a lot of visitors during the summer months I might even I be able to embezzle enough of the cat fund for the odd bottle of gin. Don’t tell the cat because he’s a major league nag and I’d never hear the end of it. Any purchases that aren’t Fancy Feast or special treats will really make him hard to live with.
So I arrive at the recycling center which is a cross between a gigantic, stinky and smelly garbage can and a college frat house on Sunday morning. It truly is a disgusting place where no one stays any longer than necessary. As I enter the building dragging two huge bags of containers I bump into Ryan, the man in charge. In his twenties, six foot three, 60’s hairdo (not quite a mullet), raggedy ass clothes, and an odor just a little less awful than the surrounding piles of bottles and cans that are apparently his entire life. He manually sorts through my bags on a large table, plastic here, cans there, brown bottles over there, and white glass over here. He never writes anything down but when he’s finished, he spends a few seconds on a calculator and hands me a credit slip with my total redemption amount.
I was extremely skeptical when I first started using this facility and for the first five or six deliveries I pre-counted them at home just to check their counting procedures. I never found an error. The guy is freaking amazing but always accurate. I made the mistake today of starting a spontaneous conversation to see if I could distract him or trip him up in some way. We talked for approximately ten minutes while he scurried around sorting and checking the containers. He never missed a beat and his count was right on. The downside was the actual conversation because Ryan is really passionate about bottles and he spent those ten minutes telling me how he counts bottles and then a few war stories about some of his more unusual customers and their quirks.
I was trapped like a rat and couldn’t escape. He held me captive and talked about empty bottles until I just wanted to scream. OMFG! I now know way more than I ever wanted to know about his career choice and why he had the best job ever. I picked up my credit slip and got the hell out of there.
It was a smelly and disgusting experience but interesting in it’s own way. As a former business professional I always appreciated people who were passionate about their jobs. My good buddy, Ryan, was as passionate about his job as anyone I’ve ever met. He loves his job and tries desperately hard to excel at it. He actually tries to supply friendly and smiling customer service in an a garbage pile atmosphere which is amazing in and of itself.
I now know I can finally stop pre-counting my contributions because my bottles and containers are in good hands with Ryan. My cat need never worry about starving because Ryan is on the job.
everyuselessthing.com 