Archive for June 2013
I seem to have centered all of my attention in recent days to male and female issues to the exclusion of all else. It’s time to get back to what this blog is all about, Totally Useless Information. There seems to be a never ending supply of useless facts and stupid information to keep me and this blog going for many years to come. I’ve already turned myself into a huge steaming pile of trivia which may come in handy some day playing Trivial Pursuit but not for much else. Maybe if I spread the information around a little it will make room in my skull for other new and useless things I may stumble upon. These factoids were collected from hither and yon and have no reason to exist other than to humor us. Here goes nothing.
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More than ten people a year are killed by vending machines.
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President George W. Bush was once a cheerleader.
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The average person spends three years of his or her life on the toilet.
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Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
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Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
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More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world.
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There is a village in Ireland called Muff, and they have their own diving club.
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Seven percent of Americans eat at McDonalds every day.
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The only First Lady to ever carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt.
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Polar bears are left-handed.
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McDonald’s did away with its spoon-shaped coffee stirrers because people were using them to snort cocaine.
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Men who kiss their wives in the morning live five years longer than those who don’t.
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Outside of the bedroom, the most common place for adults in the U.S. to have sex is in a car.
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At any given hour there are an average of 61,000 people airborne over the United States.
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Seven pitches is the average life span of a Major League Baseball.
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Twenty nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a life long mate.
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According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
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It’s impossible to sneeze and keep your eyes open.
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The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
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The U.S. Government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.
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American Airlines saved $440,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each first-class salad.
I hope that’ll ease the withdrawal pains caused by your useless crap addiction. I’m afraid I’m too far gone to be helped so I’ll just keep on collecting this stuff and shovel it off to you. As always, your welcome.
I have a lot of fun teasing my female readers but I hope they understand that it’s all done with my tongue firmly implanted in my cheek. I’m positive being a women is no bed of roses these days because almost every women I’ve ever known has spent a great deal of her time and mine telling me about it. I’m really very sympathetic to their plight but for the most part I have no easy answers or solutions for them.
Here are a few things I know would happen if I were suddenly turned into a warm, soft, built, attractive, and fire breathing woman with a man’s attitude and outlook on life. I suspect that slutiness would have a new poster girl. I’d find it extremely difficult to keep my panties on if I actually chose to wear any. I’d be like that famous women of yore who was known as a real "man eater". Married women would hate me, single women would envy me, and men would desire me. I’d give it up (if you know what I mean) at every opportunity much like General Robert E. Lee gave it up at Appomattox.
Like most women I’d refuse to admit my age and would do everything in my power to remain young looking and sexually active like good old Mae West did. One of her favorite quotes was "I’m not concerned about the men in my life, it’s the life in my men that worries me." That’s not an exact quote but you get the idea. After reading Mae’s quote I decided to search out a few more informative female quotes pertaining to aging and life as a senior. Here are a few quotes and short poems to help you ladies enjoy this posting even more.
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Please don’t retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.
~ Anna Magnani
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You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown
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After 30, a body has a mind of its own. ~ Bette Midler
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Getting old ain’t for sissies. ~ Betty Davis
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It’s sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. ~ Brigitte Bardot
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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one."
– Unknown
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Nature gives you the face you have at twenty, but it’s up to you to merit the face you have at fifty. ~ Coco Chanel
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The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day
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We know we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it. ~ Unknown
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I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. ~ Unknown
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You’ve had many many birthdays,
Too many for me to mention,
But there’s still one or two more
Before you draw your pension.
~ Unknown
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Life has got to be lived – that’s all there is to it. At seventy, I would say the advantage is that you take life more calmly. You know that "this, too, shall pass!" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
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Looking fifty is great–if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers
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If you survive long enough, you’re revered-rather like an old building. ~ Katherine Hepburn
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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ~ Lucille Ball
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I like my bifocals,
my dentures fit me fine,
my hearing aid is perfect,
but Lord I miss my mind!
-Unknown
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller
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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. ~ Unknown
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"They say that age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body." ~ Unknown
As for all of you men out there, don’t worry I’ll be sure to dedicate a posting only for our gender at some future time. I thought it was only proper to give the ladies their due after all the fun I’ve been having at their expense in recent weeks.
Yesterday’s posting was all about my misadventures in the land of female fantasies. I think I learned a little from some of the comments by my female readers and I appreciate that. I’m pretty sure none of the information will improve my sex life but I do feel a little smarter than I did yesterday. Today is a new day and my interest has changed into a discussion of why men feel fortunate to be men.
It makes no sense for me to try and create a list of men’s sexual fantasies. The list would be endless and as all of you women out there suspect many of the fantasies would be more than a little perverted. So my job today is to explain simply and unprevertedly (my new made up word) why we’re so happy to be men.
After cruising around the net today I found a few interesting sites that contained discussions and suggestions on the reasons why men are happy to be men. Some of the reasons are funny, some are stupid, some are ignorant, and in my humble opinion they’re all true. I’m sure most men will agree that the following list is closer to the truth than we’d like to admit. I found hundreds of reasons articulated by many intelligent and semi-intelligent people but eliminated pages full of the more stupid and senseless. I settled on these twenty to try and make my point. They are listed in no particular order of importance. Just finish this sentence:
WE LOVE BEING MEN BECAUSE . . . . . .
- The world is our urinal and we’re not afraid to use it.
- We can buy condoms without cashiers trying to picture us naked.
- We can rationalize any behavior with the phrase "Screw it."
- We require movie nudity to be female and frontal.
- A week long vacation requires only one suitcase.
- All of our orgasms are real.
- A beer gut doesn’t make us invisible to the opposite sex.
- We have the ability to pee alone.
- No one secretly wonders whether we swallow.
- We can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
- If we’re in our thirties and single, nobody notices or cares.
- We can write our name in the snow.
- We get to think about sex 90% of our waking hours.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- We don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone likes our hair.
- We can sit with our knees apart no matter what we’re wearing.
- We don’t have to leave the room to make a crotch adjustment.
- If we retain water, it’s in a alcoholic beverage.
- We’re never not in the mood for sex.
- Porn movies are designed with our mind in mind.
I’ll apologize now to all of you female readers. I actually feel bad for you because some of these reasons are pretty cool but you’ll never get to experience or appreciate them like we men do. You just need to remember that there are just as many pluses in being a woman as a man and I’m sure I could compile a pretty good list. I’ll give it a little more thought over the next few weeks and possibly come back with a list for you ladies.
I’d like to welcome you to the planet Mars, since I’m told that’s where men are from. This must be Mars and I’ll tell you why. As part of my never ending search for information to assist me in understanding the female animal I stumbled into the incredibly confusing world of women’s sexual fantasies. To say I was surprised at what I found would be an understatement. It seems that almost everyone has their opinions of what those fantasies are and aren’t shy about putting them out there.
I’m going to show you two top ten lists that claim to have the inside scoop on what women fantasize about. Both I suspect were written by men and they seem a little too good to be true. Here’s list number one:
1. Private Dancer (Striptease)
2. Exhibitionism
3. Force Fantasies
4. Voyeurism
5. Threesome With Two Men
6. Threesome With Another Woman
7. Sex With A Stranger
8. Teacher/Student (Spanking)
9. Domination (You Dominating Her)
10.Domination (Her Dominating You)
Now you understand why I thought I was on Mars. These sound all too familiar to what a list of men’s fantasies would be. I’ve dated a lot of women over the years and been involved in a few serious relationships but never was I made privy to the things on this list. I’ll admit I was made aware of a few of these items but no single women ever claimed ownership of them all. Some of those women were borderline crazy (in a good way) but at best they only rang the bell on six of these items. Now lets look at the second list.
1. Oh my virgin ears (Rape Fantasy)
2. Strap me on, I’m going in (Strap-on Penis)
3. Three-way w/Two Men.
4. Leave a Good Tip (Stripper)
5. I taw, I taw a putty tat (Sex w/woman and a Man Watching)
6. Being Sexually Dominated
7. Lay Me Out on Display (Exhibitionism)
8. Who’s Your Daddy? (Domination of a Man)
9. The More the Merrier (Group Sex)
10.Sex With a Stranger
This is very similar to the first list but in a slightly different order of importance. I’d like any of you women out there to confirm for me that this is even close to the truth. I’ve hoped and prayed that I’d find a women with a list like this my whole life. If most women feel this way then I may have just discovered how little I really knew for all these years. I could become clinically depressed and be forced into therapy if this is all true. Finding out that most women had better fantasies than I did would be devastating.
I’m going to stop writing now because I can feel the depression coming on.
I’d like to lighten things up today with a short discussion about some of my favorite things, limericks. I’ve been a huge fan from an early age and unfortunately I like my limericks as dirty as possible. I had an relative years ago who had a huge book of really filthy limericks which he would bring out a parties to read a few and get the place rocking a bit.
I’ve written my fair share of limericks and it’s actually a fun thing to do. There are literally hundreds of thousands of them out there and if you don’t find them funny as hell your really missing out.
I have some favorites but I would never attempt to blog them because my better-half would kill me. Fortunately there are so many others available in so many categories I hopefully can keep it somewhat clean. I make no promises because limericks are meant to be dirty. Here’s one I’ve been saving for my better-half’s daughter who just happens to be an middle school math teacher.
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‘Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it’s simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9
Of course some limericks convey thoughts and comments about religion and the good and evil we all must learn to deal with.
I could put a few more of these boring limericks but let’s cut to the chase for a few sexually oriented ones.
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There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming, he went!
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An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand Mal seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.
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There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.
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There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.
Those were examples of a few mildly sexual limericks. I won’t be taking you any further down the limerick’s road to depravity today but possibly at a later date I’ll post a few of the more disgusting ones I’ve found. I’ll have to post them late at night from a darkened computer room to avoid complications with my somewhat prudish better-half.
Here are two I wrote this morning just to show you how easy it can be if you’d like to explore your creative side.
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There once was a man from Maine
To whom life seemed a mere game
He blogged and he blogged
Till his brain became clogged
With comments received from the lame
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Every Useless Thing is a fun blog
But the author’s been in a real fog
The writing comes easy
But at times can turn sleazy
Like having sex with a ‘ho’ and her dog
If I can stumble my way through the process then anyone can. Give it your best shot and make it as filthy as you’d like. Send it over and I’ll be sure to post it.
I’ve always considered myself to be an ambidextrous person which has made it necessary for me to read anything I can find on the subject. There are arguments and discussions both pro and con as to whether a person is really ambidextrous or just cross-dominant. Cross-dominance apparently is defined as the ability to use either hand for specific tasks but not being able to use both hands for all tasks. That sounds confusing I know so further discussion is required.
As a child in elementary school I began writing with my left hand almost immediately. Teachers in those days actually discouraged left-handedness and required those children to write with their right hands. I was chastised enough that I soon learned to write right-handed and have been doing so ever since. Oddly enough I can still right with my left but not quite as clearly. This was just the start of right-handed people attempting to change me. To a young kid it was a bit traumatic and created a great deal of confusion for me.
I was heavily into sports and the problem was again raised almost immediately. As I began training I wasn’t sure which hand I wanted to throw with. Attempts were made to force me into right-handedness but I fought against it this time. The end result was a successful career as a baseball player who threw and batted both ways. I pitched a number of Little League games over the years using either hand. In one game I actually pitched a portion of a game right-handed and when my arm tired, finished the last few innings left-handed. I felt good about it since it caused people to finally leave me alone to my mixed abilities.
Growing up our family was not wealthy or well-to-do so I was forced to make other compromises. My father was an avid golfer and started me golfing at an early age. I was taught to golf right-handed because the cost of left-handed clubs at that time was out of our reach. Many years later as a joke I rented a set of left-handed clubs at a local course and actually shot a reasonably decent score much to my Dad’s surprise. It took a while for me to make the adjustment back to left-handed but I was thrilled I was able to pull it off.
There are a few real benefits to being ambidextrous. I can hammer and nail with both hands and I can paint with either hand (artistically or house painting). It makes painting and hammering less tiring when you can switch off when necessary. I also found I had an unusual ability to write with both hands simultaneously. With my right hand I write normally and with the left I am able to write backwards. It’s a useless talent but has won me me a lot of drinks in a lot of bars over the years. Also being able to pick one’s nose with either hand is an ability your all probably jealous of. I still have no answer as to which category I fall into but that’s okay, it’s taken years but I’ve adjusted to it either way.
I only hope that kids with the same abilities aren’t still being manipulated to be something their not. Whether your a lefty or a righty doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that you be permitted to be what you are, not what someone else thinks you should be.
I thought I’d write a little about marriage today. Seeing as how more marriages fail than survive, it makes one wonder what’s the point. Even knowing it only has a 50/50 chance of success doesn’t seem to stop people from jumping right into a relationship that’s complex and difficult on it’s good days. Even the massive effort by members of the gay community to legalize marriage truly puzzles me. I sometimes think it’s just a way for them to feel like the rest of us, married, miserable, and alimony and child support eligible.
As an officiant in a wedding more than a year ago I had my eyes opened even further about weddings and their preparations. The wedding I was involved with was a down-to-earth, simple, and beautiful one. No thousands of dollars spent on a one-time dress, no catered meal, no huge hall, or any of the more stupid things like releasing doves. It was elegant and beautiful. Does that give that marriage a better chance of success? I doubt it.
The number of cottage industries that have originated to feed the marriage expectations of millions of people also boggles the mind. Event planners, depending on the wedding size, make much more money for their services than some weddings cost. As we all know some people spend many thousands of dollars on what everyone considers an institution with terrible odds of succeeding. That’s a kind of gambling most people would never attempt, not even in Las Vegas.
That being said, in my efforts to better understand I found myself wandering the highways and byways of the Net looking for information of this holy of holy experiences (I hope you know that was sarcasm). Some people have made the decision to have a humorous wedding. Why? I have no clue. I suppose humor might make taking the plunge a little less terrifying. Here are two examples of some of the new and funny vows (again sarcasm) to help lighten up the ceremony:
I (name), take you (name), to be my beloved wife. I promise to love you and be your faithful partner, for better for worse, for richer, for poorer, when the Jets are winning, and when they are losing, in sickness, and in health, and in Jets-induced sickness. I will be true and loyal, and cherish you for all the days of our lives.
I take you as my wife to have and hold, love and cherish, to honor and mostly obey. I promise to make you number one in all of my life’s biggest decisions. While I don’t promise not to make you mad, I promise to apologize…when I think it’s my fault. I want nothing more than a long and happy life together. Do you?
I can’t imagine asking someone to marry me and have them take the entire thing so lightly as to use vows like that. Here are a few quotes about marriage that really are funny and insightful. Not fake funny like those stupid vows.
"Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock." ~ Ernest Hemingway
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out." ~ Michel de Montaigne
"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility." ~ Leo Tolstoy
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." ~ Winston Churchill
"There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again." ~ Clint Eastwood
"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal." ~ Woody Allen
"Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet." ~ Mae West
I could write ten thousand more words on marriage, the traditions, and the ever increasing costs. But because it would push me into a major depression I refuse to do it. You can thank me later. I’ve been through the marriage ringer myself and after nineteen years we failed miserably. So maybe my comments and sarcasm are reflective of that awful experience. Even so, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a risky proposition on it’s best day. To all of you heterosexuals and homosexuals I wish you the best. Those marriages that truly work are the best thing that can happen to two people in love with each other. If it doesn’t work it can also be the most traumatic nightmare ever and haunt you for years.
Good luck to you all. My best advice is to elope to Las Vegas. Save yourself a trip to bankruptcy court (no sarcasm in that statement).
I thought I’d stop complaining about politics for a few days to begin complaining about Mother Nature and her lack of respect for me and my gardening skills. We seem to have the start of a summer with no moderate weather conditions. For most of the month of May we had warm days and very cold nights. We also were taken by surprise by a late frost or two that hit us with almost no notice. The days were warm but the wind had a cold edge to it that just wouldn’t let up. The frost ended up costing us a few dollars when it killed a number of the recently purchased cucumber plants.
In past years that would have set me off but I guess when you can’t do control something you have to move along and not let it make you too crazy. I replanted the cukes again after being assured by a nursery owner friend that we were safe from another frost. Do we get a few days of moderate weather? No effing way.
A week ago I was sitting on my deck relaxing and talking with my sister in Pittsburgh. It was warm but still had a bit of chill in the air. My sister was complaining about the heat wave they were suffering from and that the temps had been in the eighties for a few days. We here in Maine usually receive the exact weather as Pennsylvania just three or so days later. We had a day of moderate rain and then our heat wave arrived just as expected. For three miserable days the heat was almost unbearable. It was too hot to sit on the deck until late afternoon and sleeping became a freaking nightmare. All of this weather and it wasn’t even June yet. On top of the stifling heat the sun effectively roasted and toasted a large section of the garden.
So I make another trip back to the nursery for a few more replacement plants. A number of other plants were slightly damaged as well but we were still hoping for a little rain to help them survive. Three days later they died as well as did some of the latest replacements. This kind of stuff is expected these days with weird weather patterns slowly becoming the norm. It gives me a whole new understanding and appreciation of how it must have been back in the day when your life and your families life depended on having a successful garden and crops. Those old time farmers must have had a great deal of faith and a lot of guts.
Once again I replanted all of the cucumbers, watered them in, and prayed the weather would moderate a little with just enough rain to keep them healthy. It was now the first of June and I hoped for the best. Another mistake for sure. I monitored the weather and soon became aware of possible thunder storms heading our way. It began to rain and it poured for hours. It was so bad that some of my newest plantings were washed out of the ground. I’m beginning to get the idea that the gardening gods are messing with me.
If your going to garden you must be ready for almost anything. Patience is required as well as a supply of really good cuss words. They don’t actually help the situation but they do have the ability to make you feel a little better.
I’ve just replanted the cukes for the third and hopefully last time.
At the rate the grass is growing it should be knee high in a matter of days. That should give me something new to stress about. Mother Nature is definitely not our friend so far this Spring.
I love history and looking back at this country’s politics. It’s my attempt to learn how the system could have deteriorated to where it is today. It doesn’t take a genius to watch and listen to today’s representatives and senators to identify the issues that are driving us crazy. Bad habits are usually a learned response and our current gang of politicians have learned their lessons well. Many of these bad habits have been passed down over the years from one group of politicians to another and been finely tuned.
It seems obvious to me that there are three main priorities; money, re-election, and power. They raise huge amounts of money to accomplish priority number one which in turn helps them to accomplish priority number two. Once re-elected they can pursue their third priority, power, which they all seem to crave. The fact that most of the money spent for reelections eventually works it’s way back into the hands of corporate America must must be a fortunate happenstance. Yeah right!
One of my major criticisms is that they all seem to be concerned only with getting on TV first with a cutesy “sound bite” before their competitors. It doesn’t seem to faze them that they never have anything of consequence to say just ten second quips for those ever-present media cameras.
Since I agree whole-heartedly with this criticism I decided to determine exactly when and where it all started. The use of campaign slogans began well before the current Media became so powerful and demanding. Back in the day they reported what was occurring in the country in an unbiased fashion. They weren’t involved in creating the news as they are today. The “straw that broke the camels back” for me was when big corporate American began buying up the most influential media organizations. The unbiased history of the Media was for the most part a thing of the past. As I searched around I found the following campaign slogans in use going all the way back to 1840. They started out cutesy and entertaining but slowly became hurtful and nasty at times. This is just a small sampling of old and new irritating slogans that may have helped kick started the “sound bite” revolution.
Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too – 1840
Fifty-Four Forty or Fight – 1844
Equal Rights to All; Special Privileges to None – 1900
Stand Pat with McKinley – 1900
He Kept Us Out of War – 1916
Back to Normalcy – 1920
Keep Cool With Coolidge – 1924
A Chicken in Every Pot; A Car in Every Garage – 1928
In Hoover We Trusted and Now We Are Busted – 1948
One Good Term Deserves Another – 1934
I’m Just Wild About Harry – 1948
To Err is Truman – 1948
Phooey on Dewey – 1948
I Like Ike – 1952
I Still Like Ike – 1956
In Your Guts You Know He’s Nuts – 1964
Never Been Indicted – 1980
It’s the Economy, Stupid – 1992
Hope and Change – 2008
Apparently we citizens always were always suckers for “sound bites” even when they were just called “campaign slogans”. Maybe it’s time we the voters change how we approach politics. Maybe I’m an idiot if I really believe that’s even possible. I’ve lost most of my faith in the American voter which requires me to remain even more skeptical and critical of anything remotely related to politics.
What would you rather see? Janet Jackson’s nipple or a newborn baby cooing to his mother?
What would you rather hear? President Obama’s reassurances that everything will be alright or a love song from Taylor Swift.
What would you rather taste? Lemon juice or whipped cream.
What would you rather smell? Someone’s body odor or freshly baked bread.
What would you rather touch? The sharpness of a razor blade or the fur of a kitten.
I’ve just given you a tour of the five human senses which everyone is endowed with, allegedly. Common sense should make the answers to these questions really obvious. You have just experienced your first poll here at Every Useless Thing. I can report the following results:
15% of my readers hate cooing babies.
15% of my readers hate Taylor Swift.
85% of my readers hate lemon juice.
15% of my readers love body odor.
85% of my readers hate razor blades.
My poll is just as ridiculous as most of those polls you hear being mentioned on the news all too frequently. I was recently called by some BS polling outfit who began asking me a series of political questions so slanted and biased I was stunned. Would you rather die a horrible death or approve Obamacare?Would you rather pay a few more dollars in taxes or see your children die? Would you rather vote for someone who wants clean air or a Republican?
You get my drift I hope. Polls are just another way to manipulate the citizenry through biased and rigged questions by alleged experts who we’ve never heard of before and whose qualifications can’t be verified. It’s an easy matter for any of us to create a fictitious organization, give it an official sounding name, with official business cards and stationary, and release polling information slanted in our specific political direction. If the Media likes what it hears, the poll will be broadcast on the news for days with the talking heads giving it their support. If they don’t like the results then it’s buried and never seen of heard from again. Since the great majority of media folks are self-proclaimed liberals you can see the problem.
This kind of manipulation was one of the things the fourth estate was to help identify and warn the population about. That was one of the checks and balances incorporated into our form of government by the Founders. The Media was to be our unbiased watch dog and protector against governmental abuses. With that protection slowly disappearing we’ve now become vulnerable to a government that wants to control every facet of our lives while the Medias stands by and applauds.
We should be worried because it’s been getting progressively worse every day.
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