I don’t consider myself to be an over-the-top addicted spots fan but it doesn’t keep me from still loving baseball. For me it is the All-American sport even more so than the NFL or the NBA. Playing baseball gave me some of the best times of my life even though I still have a hard time watching it on television. It’s more fun to actually play than to watch. I’ve followed many players over the years that had fantastic stats but one player in particular just always made me smile. That was Yogi Berra, a man who has been quoted over and over again for decades with his famous brand of humor. Here is a short selection of some of his thoughts and comments that will certainly entertain you.
“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.”
“I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.”
“You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.”
“A nickel isn’t worth a dime today.”
“Nobody goes there anymore – it’s too crowded.”
“You give a hundred percent in the first half the game, and if that isn’t enough, in the second half you give what’s left.”
“I made a wrong mistake.”
“Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.”
“I never blame myself for not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”
Here I sit sipping a glass of 160 proof Jack Daniels, and I really do mean just “Sipping”. I have to admit it’s really smooth for something that will numb your brain and kick your ass. It has convinced me to once again do a post on “Whiskey”. For most of my 20’s and into my 30’s I was a Cutty Sark lover. Working as a police officer in a department filled with scotch drinkers I fit right in. In my late thirties I began making my own wine and for the next fifteen years I drank my somewhat interesting homemade wines and occasionally would spring for a more expensive bottle or two. Then in my seventies I was diagnosed with colon cancer and for 7 months the chemotherapy turned me into a teetotaler. For some inexplicable reason it also made it impossible for me to drink wine of any kind. So, I was returned to the mothers milk of whiskey lovers, Jack Daniels. It was like coming home again. This whiskey lover will now lay a few bits of whiskey trivia on you. Pour a drink and enjoy.
This excerpt was taken from a collection of medical recipes from the 15th century:For deafness . . . Take the bile of a hare with aqua vit and the milk of a woman’s breast in the same quantity and mix them well together and put them in the ear. This is a sure cure for deafness.
According to the Guinness Book of World Records in 2018, the oldest bottle of whiskey still left unopened to the world is Baker’s Pure Rye Whiskey, distilled in 1847.
There is a quote from Mr. Tommy Cooper: “I’m on a whiskey diet, I lost three days already.”
Kentucky is home to more barrels of maturing bourbon than people. Kentucky’s population was approximately 4.5 million people while the barrels of whiskey totaled 91 million.
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Here is a quote from one of my favorites, Mark Twain:
“I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventative of toothache. I have neverhad the toothache, and what is more, I never intend to have it.”
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In 2019, 1.3 billion bottles of Scotch whiskey were bottled. If you laid all these bottles end-to-end they would stretch 350,000 km or 217,000 miles, or 90% of the distance to the moon! Moonshine indeed.
This last post is a quote by Joel Rosenberg and is one of my all-time favorites. If I wasn’t going to be cremated when I pass I would’ve have certainly requested this on my tombstone.
“I’m a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men,
enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.”
I’ve been called many things in my life. Some were complimentary and others not so much. My all-time favorite without a doubt is that I’m a sarcastic son-of-bitch. To me that is nothing more than a badge of honor which I wear proudly. Most people know the word sarcastic but have no idea what it really means. I’ve spent many years honing my sarcasm skills so today I’m now willing to share some of them with you. Here are some commonly used words with a beautiful yet sarcastic explanation. Read on my sarcastically uneducated and challenged readers.
CALM-What you are usually urged to remain around the time the third engine on the aircraft has failed.
PERFECTIONIST-The worst kind of boss; the best kind of sex partner.
PERKY-Lively, jaunty, brisk, or to put it another way, just asking for a punch in the damn face.
PUBLIC RESTROOM-A place containing toilet seats that make you wish you could be taught how to hover.
REALITY-A state in which you assume everybody else resides, until you start dating.
REGRET-The gnawing, inescapable feeling that behaving like a total dick for your entire life may not have been such a good idea.
MACHO-A form of overstated masculinity, requiring males to live in a state of constant readiness to whip it out and see whose is bigger.
NITPICK-To rip someone a new one without leaving anything out.
DRUNK-Intoxicated with alcoholic beverages. An absolutely crucial component in the decision to photocopy one’s ass cheeks.
DRESS-Something that does not, I said not, make you look fat.
DEGREE-A certificate of academic achievement awarded at the college level. Comes in very handy when asking people if they want fries with that.
CHIVALRY-Considerate behavior that a man completely abandons right after as many dates as it takes to get a woman into bed.
BAR-A place where lonely, desperate people go to get hammered enough to find other lonely, desperate people suddenly irresistible.
HOTDOG-The toenails, lips, and eyebrows of various animals served on a bun.
HUNGOVER- A condition that makes figuring out who was next to you in bed this morning take anywhere from five minutes to a lifetime.
I thought this morning I’d try to get a little silly and make everyone smile. The recent and constant stream of bulls**t online videos is taking its toll on my sanity and disturbing my calm. I firmly believe that the human race is deserving of whatever it gets because anyone who is screaming and demanding “free speech” but then immediately uses it in the worse possible way, should be held to account. Todays post isn’t about “free speech” or “TikTok morons” but just another way to show how idiotic and stupid human beings can be if left unsupervised. Here are a few actual newspaper headlines that were once publishedand just prove my point even more.
HALF OF ALL CHILDREN TESTED SCORED BELOW AVERAGE
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
LIVING TOGETHER LINKED TO DIVORCE
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
BOYS CAUSE AS MANY PREGNANCIES AS GIRLS
DEADLINES PASS FOR STRIKING POLICE
CEMETERY ALLOWS PEOPLE TO BE BURIED BY THEIR PETS
POLICE SEARCH FOR WITNESSES TO ASSAULT
KIDS MAKE NUTRICIOUS SNACKS
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
And last but not least, the funniest joke ever told, or so says some British experts in 2002:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead!, What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice, says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot was heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says, “Okay, now what?”
I’m a huge fan of using quotations in my posts from the rich, the famous, and the wannabe famous. I thought today would be a good day to give kudos to the one person who supplies us with endless quotations that are almost always funny, truthful, and many times sarcastic. That writer is Mr. Anonymous. I did a little research this morning and came up with 15 quotes from Mr. Anonymous that I really liked and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Here they are.
“Criticism is the disapproval of people, not for having faults but for having faults different from ours.“
“The Eiffel Tower in Paris is the Empire State building after taxes.“
“One reassuring thing about modern art is that things can’t possibly be as bad as they are painted.“
“An average film is where the actor has more lines in his face than in his script.“
“Modern art is when you buy a picture to cover a hole in the wall and then decide the hole looks much better.“
“Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.“
“Hollywood is Malice in Wonderland.“
“If white bread could sing it would sound like Olivia Newton John.“
“Television is a box that has changed children from an irresistible force into an immovable object.“
“Parents never appreciate a teacher unless it rains all weekend.“
MR. ANONYMOUS
“You can tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.“
“Psychology is the science that tells you what you already know in words you don’t understand.“
“Eating food with a knife and fork is like making love through an interpreter.“
“If you speak three languages your trilingual. If you can speak two languages you are bilingual. If you can only speak one language you’re an American.“
“A Hollywood marriage is one in which the couple vow to be faithful until after the honeymoon.“
And now I’ll offer up one of my own quotes:
“OLD AGE AND RETIREMENT ARE JUST KARMIC RETRIBUTION”
Henry David Thoreau once burned down 300 acres of forest trying to cook a fish.
Abraham Lincoln once stated, “No matter how much the fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens.”
A Loony Law from the 1950’s – It was illegal for a flying saucer to land in a French vineyard.
Cicero once stated, “Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error.”
To quote William Randolph Hearst: “News is what people don’t want you to print. Everything else is ads.”
Ghandi speaking about Adolf Hitler – “I do not consider him to be as bad as depicted. He’s showing an ability that is amazing, and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed.”
Sigmund Freud once stated, “What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would’ve burned me. Now they are content with burning my books.”
During an interview in the 1950’s, Pope John XXIII was asked how many people work in the Vatican. He immediately stated: “About half.”
“I would’ve made a good Pope.” – Once stated by Richard Nixon
Random fact: License plates came before cars – as they were used on horse-drawn carriages in 1884.
This quote is one of my favorites as it applies to me:
“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a God.” Aristotle
I’ve stated many times as to my love for limericks especially those written by Isaac Asimov. Along with Isaac you must give a shout out to John Ciardi as well. He and Asimov had great fun trying to outdo each other with their written limericks. They even jointly published a book about their limerick feud which is a classic. These four limericks were written by John Ciardi for that book in response to a few that Asimov had written. I’ve read their book many times and still enjoy their bawdy humor. I hope you will enjoy it as well.
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The Times tells the world what is doing; Who’s winning, who’s losing, who’s suing, Whose striking, who’s stealing, Who’s dying, whose healing, But won’t say a word on who’s screwing.
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The girl who is really unbeatable Is the one with whom sex is repeatable. Who’s eternally screwable And always renewable, And who, most of all, is found eatable.
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There was a young woman named Cora Lee Who said, “I will do it immorally On top and bottom, Any way that I’ve got them, Vaginally, anally, and orally”.
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There once was a wicked old squire Who burned with libidinous desire. After screwing a nun And the minister son, He took all the girls in the choir.
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THE BOOK IS TITLED – ISAAC ASIMOV & JOHN CIARDI – A WAR OF WORDS
Are there any wanna-be botanists out there? If so, todays post should really interest you. Finding interesting trivia about plants was a serious challenge but I’ve had some success. Here are twenty items you never knew about plants and botany. Here we go . . .
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At 167 calories per 3.5 ounces, avocados have the highest number of calories of any fruit.
The foxglove plant can help prevent congestive heart failure.
The cellulose in celery (mostly in its stringy fibers) is impossible for humans to digest. Most of the celery passes right through your digestive tract.
Juniper berries smell so strongly of evergreen trees that they have been chewed as a breath freshener.
Orchids have the smallest seeds. It takes more than 1.25 million seeds to weigh one gram.
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Oak trees do not have acorns until they are 50 years old or older.
Pollen is considered the “male” part of a plants reproductive system.
The greens, you see covering ponds might actually be a carpet of duckweed – the smallest plant with a complete root, stem, and leaf structure.
Cayenne pepper stimulates the appetite, as do the herbs dill, celery, dandelion, caraway, anise, garlic, leek, mint, tarragon, saffron, and parsley.
The word “herb” is from the old Sanskrit word bharb, meaning “to eat”.
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A lemon will lose 20% of its vitamin C content after being left at room temperature for eight hours, or in the refrigerator for 24 hours.
The eggplant is a member of the nightshade family, along with the potato and tomato.
An uncooked apple is 84% water.
If you wash an area of skin that has been exposed to poison ivy within 3 min. after exposure, the chemical urushhiol does not have time to penetrate the skin.
The herb peony, when dried and chewed, can help heal a cold sore.
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A banana is technically an herb because it grows on dense, waterfilled leaf stalks that die after the first fruit is produced. Botanists call the banana plant a herbaceous perennial.
Bananas are one of the easiest fruits to digest and trigger very few allergies. This is why they are an ideal food for babies.
It takes a coffee bean plant five years to yield consumable fruit.
The most widely cultivated and extensively used nut in the world is the almond.
Plant life in the oceans makes up 85% of all the greenery on earth.
As most of you are well aware, I love limericks. And I don’t discriminate, I like them dirty, sexy, sassy, and any other way you can think of. With that in mind I recently discovered a book, a very small little book of limericks that were written more than 25 years ago. They’re not dirty, sexy, or sassy, but they are cute. These are silly limericks that will make you grin just a little and were almost certainly written for children. So if your let loose your inner child for just a bit you should enjoy these immensely.
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A ghost in the town of Khartoum Asked a skeleton up to his room. They spent the whole night In the eeriest fight As to who should be frightened of whom.
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A glutton who lived on the Rhine When asked what time he would dine, Replied, “At eleven, Four, six, three and seven, And eight and a quarter to nine.”
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A cheerful old bear at the zoo Could always find something to do. When it bored him to go On a walk to and fro, He reversed it, and walks fro and to.
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There was an old fellow named Green Who grew so abnormally lean, And flat, and compressed, His back touched his chest, And sideways he couldn’t be seen.
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There was the man from the city Who met what he thought was a kitty. He gave it a pat And said, “Nice little cat.” Just look at him now – what a pity!
This blog is titled Every Useless Thing and I’m feeling today that you all must certainly need a huge dose of useless information. Just when I thought I’ve heard the weirdest s**t possible I just keep finding more and more and more. After all the years of my doing trivia it still amazes me how often I find things that boggle my mind. Let’s see if that will happen to you today.
The waist produced by a single chicken in its lifetime could supply enough electricity to run a 100 watt bulb for five hours.
The odds of being struck by lightning are one in 10 million.
Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”
In 1992 convicted killer Robert Alton Harris stated just before entering the gas chamber: “You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.”
The highest score ever achieved for one word in a Scrabble competition was 392 for the word caziques down two triple-word scores.
Mike Love, Pancho Villa, and Zsa Zsa Gabor were each married nine times.
Groucho Marx ate his first bagel at the age of 81..
Harrison Ford’s first film role was as a bellboy and his only line was “Paging Mr. Ellis”. Ellis was played by James Coburn.
Click Eastwood, Yasser Arafat, Elizabeth Taylor, Patrick Swayze, Sting, Luciana Pavarotti, Rowan Atkinson, and Ted Kennedy all survived plane crashes.
The odds of being killed in a road accident are one in 15,800.
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One of My Favorite Bands
The rock group 3 Dog Night obtained their name from an old Australian saying.“On a freezing night in the outback, a man would need to sleep with one dog to keep warm on a cold night, two dogs on a very cold night and three dogs on the coldest night.”
everyuselessthing.com 