Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.
This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.
If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.
Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.
What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.
What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.
Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.
What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.
What’s 138? Dinner for four.
When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.
Christmas is gone . . . thankfully. I love all the presents, and I love all the decorations (if I’m not forced into putting them up), but my downfall is all the damn food. I’m what you might call a “taster”. I love tasting everything and this year was the worst since last year. I swear we had enough food for twenty people but unfortunately, there were only seven of us. That means that I’ll be eating reheated holiday leftovers for at least the next two weeks. Also, let’s not forget the large influx of food anticipated on New Years Eve and again on New Years Day. I have absolutely no willpower and I’ll probably be found dead with a large slab of lukewarm ham hanging out of my mouth. With that cheery thought in mind, I’ll be posting a few tidbits of trivia about food as I sit here eating blueberry donuts and cherry lifesavers.
Animal Crackers were introduced in 1902 as a Christmas novelty item and packaged with a string for a handle. It made it easier to hang them on the Christmas tree as an ornament.
Coffee was officially recognized as a Christian drink by Pope Clement VIII in 1592.
Most of the egg rolls sold in grocery stores in the United States are actually produced in Houston, Texas.
The American city that consumes the most ketchup is New Orleans.
Eighty-seven percent of whole milk is water.
Miss Piggy of Muppets fame was once quoted, “Never eat more than you can lift.”
The term “Surf & Turf” was coined by gastronome Diamond Jim Brady and was first served to him at a waterfront restaurant in Brooklyn, NY, in the late 1880’s.
The name Lorna Doone was the name given to a shortbread cookie in 1869 based on a novel by the same name.
Baskin-Robbins introduced an ice cream, Lunar Cheesecake, in 1969 to commemorate the moon landing.
Salsa overtook the ever-popular ketchup as the top selling condiment in 1991.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really dislike Christmas, but I certainly dislike the never-ending and relentless commercialization of what is supposed to be a religious celebration. I have to credit Amazon for doubling down on the holidays like never before because they’ve made it entirely too easy for people to overspend which in turn requires me to discipline myself like never before. Just too many gadgets, too many commercials and an endless supply of scammers who may be the hardest workers of all during the holidays. For every email I get from friends and family members, I get 100 from scammers and spammers. I’ve slowly been turned into a paranoid person like never before. It feels good to have the holiday over so I can get back to what I call normal (and I use that term loosely).
The post today will be taking a sharp left turn from the holidays to celebrate three things I love: poetry, young children, and Winter. Here are a few samples of great poetry by a few up-and-coming young poets.
With only a few days left until Christmas, I thought a little humor was needed to help calm the nerves of all you Christmas elves. I’m sure you’re exhausted from all the shopping, wrapping, and dealing with the excitement of your children and family. Today’s post is just a little humor to lighten the mood. I’ll be saving my best Christmas post for Christmas eve.
This is a corny joke but what the hell, it’s Christmas:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. This represents a Christmas candle, he said. Saint Peter then directed him through the pearly gates. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them lightly and said, “These are Christman Bells”. Saint Peter immediately passed him through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a women’s red thong. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”.
Nothing like a sweet Christmaskiss.
🎅🏻🎅🏻🎅🏻
Christmas History Tidbit
In the sixteenth century, many Christians gave up the Catholic faith and became Protestants. The rejection of Christmas rituals was done to allegedly to keep the religion pure. Later, in 1647, a law was passed by Parliament abolishing Christmas altogether. Some believers felt that the law went much too far. There were times when entire congregations were arrested for celebrating Christmas.
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JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT YOUR CHRISTMAS COULD BE WORSE
My Christmas season has taken a nasty turn earlier than usual. Just when I thought it was going to be a fun holiday, I made the mistake of visiting a Walmart. Now I’m finally able to return to my man-cave after being bedridden for three days. Even the painkillers weren’t able to improve my attitude. I was smiling a lot, but it was entirely because of the drugs, not the Christmas season. I won’t get into the specifics of the injury but just let it be said that Walmart restrooms can be hazardous to your health if you’re not careful. LOL.
I’ll be spending most of the remainder of the Christmas season stumbling around with a cane being my ever-so-pleasant self with the help of a few cannabis gummies and additional painkillers. Unfortunately, I was also forced to miss out on all of the decorating being done in the house (I’m so sad!). My better-half turned into an insane Christmas elf and if you were stupid enough to stand anywhere near her you would have been immediately covered with tinsel, garlands and small twinkling lights. My Christmas in hell fantasy had finally come to life. LOL again.
I searched and found another Christmasy cartoon that made me smile a little. I hope it properly conveys my Christmas message in a manner you can all appreciate.
I’m feeling a little lazy today because I’ve spent the last 24 hours watching my better-half also known as the Christmas Elf lose her mind. She’s been pulling containers of Christmas memorabilia from the attic by the arm load. I know if I stand still for more than 5 minutes, I’ll be draped in garlands and blinking lights. We’ve got a huge assortment of lights purchased over the years, we got a mile of garlands, and an incredible number of little elves and holidays knickknacks on every available surface. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. I’m hiding in my man-cave attempting to keep a low profile and to keep Christmas from overflowing into my private space. I’ve been successful so far, but I hold little hope that it will last. It’s not that I’m a Christmas Grinch but I’m nowhere near as nuts about the holiday as she is.
I tried to hide yesterday but she kept finding me. Before I knew it and before I can say too much, I was assigned the duties of putting up the tree. Then there were the endless Christmas carols that she was singing to me while she prepared boxfuls of goodies that she’s sending to people and family all around the country. She’ll probably spend more money on shipping those boxes than she did on the gifts contained in them. I’m sure she sees it as her contribution to keeping the Postal Service profitable and I’m sure they’ll really appreciate her concern and generosity. My only contribution so far to the Christmas spirit of the household is contained in this cartoon from a few years ago that I saved and it pretty much describes my thoughts on this entire matter. LOL
I thought today I’d make a quick comment about some of the responses I received to my Inappropriate Humor dirty jokes post. For those of you out there that don’t read everything, that’s why I rated the post an “R”, and I put warnings in the graphics to keep it out of the hands of kids or the blind, dumb, and stupid non-readers. It never occurred to me that there were adults out there who would respond to humor like a bunch of babies. So, to all of you prudes out there, just get over it. If you don’t like what I post, stop reading the blog and go elsewhere. You won’t be missed.
This post is filled with pearls-of-wisdom posted at one time or another by that very famous writer and philosopher, Anonymous. Celebrities and politicians are forever looking for soundbites to get little attention, but Anonymous could care less about offending anyone. Here are fifteen quotes you may enjoy but if your one of the overly sensitive minorities I recommend you leave my blog now and go read the Bible . . . .
“Churches welcome all denominations, but most prefer fives and tens.“
“And an optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.“
“There are few problems in life that wouldn’t be eased by the proper application of high explosives.“
“Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.“
“Is sex better than drugs? That depends on the pusher.“
“Until I get married, I was my own worst enemy.“
“Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.“
“There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.“
“Christmas is Christ’s revenge for the crucifixion.“
With the holidays looming on the horizon, I thought some moderately dirty jokes might put a smile on your face. So, SMILE!
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS? A. Nothing.
😜😜😜
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny miniskirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of your thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has no underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. “It’s quite all right,” replies the woman. “It’s very talented. Watch this, I’ll make you blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.” The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy cutely winks at him. “Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. As the man moves over, the woman quietly asks, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?” “Good God!” says the man. Can it whistle too?
😛😛😛
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blowup doll. The woman asks, “Would you like a Christian or a Muslim doll?” Confused the man says, “What’s the difference?” “Well,” replied the woman, “the Muslim doll blows itself up!”
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Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Ms. Piggy? A. Kermit’s finger.
😁😁😁
The kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit his dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom, and I don’t think she told me their exact meanings.” Dad says, “I told you never to go to mom for these kinds of matters, she can’t handle them. “What are the words, son?” He tells him, “Pussy and Bitch.” Dad says, OK, and pulls a Playboy down from the bookshelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Everything inside the circle is Pussy.” “Okay, Dad,” so what’s a Bitch?” Dad quickly said, “Everything outside that circle.”
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Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch blows everyone at the party except for you.
It is said one should never sleep with their feet towards the door, because only corpses lie like that.
Some believe it is very unlucky to get out of bed backwards.
In Scotland, there is the belief that it is unlucky to leave the bed while making it. If the bed making is interrupted, the occupant of the bed will pass a sleepless night, or some much worse evil will befall him or her.
Some believe that if three people take part in making a bed, there is sure to be a death in the household with in the year.
CELEB SUPERSTITIONS
Lionel, Ethel, and John Barrymore always gave each other an apple on the night of a show’s premiere.
Jimmy Connors wouldn’t compete in a tennis match without a little note from his grandma tucked into his sock.
The late actor Jack Lemmon always whispered “magic time” as filming started on a new movie.
American inventor Thomas Edison carried a staurolite, a stone that forms naturally in the shape of a cross. Legend has it that when fairies heard of Christ’s crucifixion, their tears fell as these little “ferry cross” stones.
Actress Gretta Garbo always wore a lucky string of pearls.
Mario Andretti the famous racecar driver would not sign autographs with a green pen.
Actor John Wayne always considered it extremely lucky to be in a movie with fellow actor Ward Bond.
Baseball pitcher Randy Johnson always ate pancakes before a game.
Almost everyone loves quoting experts about everything and no different. Today’s post is exclusively and completely written by women with their opinions on Men, Women, and Marriage. It should be interesting.
ONWOMEN
“A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water.” Eleanor Roosevelt 1981
” I do not wish them [women] to have power over men; but over themselves.” Mary Wollstonecraft 1792
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.” Margaret Thatcher 1970
ONMEN
” Man for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” Margaret Fuller 1844
“We don’t believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack.” Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach 1905
“Fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much.” Amelia E. Barr 1904
ON LOVE &ROMANCE
“I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It’s just as much a refuge for women married to brutal man as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.” Susan B. Anthony 1898
“A husband is what is left of the lover, after the nerve has been extracted.” Helen Rowland
” I married beneath me, all women do.” Nancy Astor 1981
Louisa May Alcott
I’d like to finish this post with a quote from Louisa May Alcott written on April 11, 1868.
“One of the trials of womankind is the fear of being an old maid. To escape this dreadful doom, young girls rushed into matrimony with a recklessness which astonishes the beholder; never pausing to remember that the loss of liberty, happiness, and self-respect is poorly repaid by the barren honor of being called Mrs. instead of Ms.”
Do I agree to all of the material I just posted, mostly! Many of these quotes were from a different time but the facts of marriage and men and women hasn’t changed all that much in any case. At the time some of these quotes were made they carried serious weight to the nation and had a lot to do with women eventually getting the vote.
everyuselessthing.com 