Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
It’s finally time for me to step up and put in writing the things I’m pledging to do at some time in 2014. I tried to keep these resolutions as reasonable as possible so I at least have a chance to live up to them. Here they are.
1. Read five books a month.
2. Teach the grandson one curse word per month once he begins talking.
3. Keep the number of F-bombs below 100 a week.
4. Drink less brandy than last year but more than next year.
5. Spend less than $300.00 at Dunkin Donut for the entire year ($25.00 per month).
6. Stop dancing naked near the picture window in the living room. It scares the neighbors if their complaints mean anything at all.
7. Fight to my last breath to keep chickens and goats from becoming part of my life.
I could have listed a few more but why set myself up for complete and utter failure. I did that last year and I should be learning from my past mistakes, you’d think.
* * *
I tried to convince my better-half to give me her list for 2014 but I ran into a brick wall. She appears to be a believer of never putting anything in writing regardless of who makes the request. I even tried intimidating her a little. I attempted to make her comply by threatening to post a few crazy resolutions and tell the world they came from her. I won’t repeat her reply since I do try to keep this blog at a PG rating. I admit she has a pretty effective way of intimidating me and that will also stay a deep and dark secret.
AHHHHH ANOTHER NEW YEAR HERE IN PARADISE.
I’m about to make you aware of a newly discovered ailment causing much suffering to the human race. It’s a lifelong ailment that flares up on the average of once a year to disorient and dismay a large segment of the population. It’s like herpes with a smile. It’s called by those aware of it’s existence, PTCS, or Post Traumatic Christmas Syndrome. It begins in November with a certain uneasiness as you see your home begin to fill with boxes of purchases, Christmas cards, and other green and red paraphernalia. After a week your breathing becomes labored as you see the first credit card balances arriving with lists of things you don’t remember buying. The stress level continues to climb as odd foods show up and containers of candy and fruit cakes magically appear.
This syndrome peaks in December just as your on the verge of total collapse. All of a sudden things begin to disappear and within days your life is as it once was. It’s like being in a time warp with four or five lost weeks that you’d rather just forget. It will take months for you to recuperate and to refill your bank accounts. Also months of exercise and dieting to lose that ten pounds of body fat that appeared out of nowhere.
It also effects your mind making you happy to have suffered through this terrible time and you can’t wait for the next outbreak. Unfortunately it’s very contagious and targets the youngest of us almost immediately. It appears to be an airborne virus spread by physical contact and made even worse by groups of people who insist on singing together.
It’s insidious! The children just don’t have a prayer of being spared this affliction that could haunt them for decades. For hundreds of years certain people have searched for a cure but to no avail. A certain doctor from somewhere in Europe, Dr. I. M. Grinchakowski died a horrible death some years ago when his immunization program went horribly awry and he died from an overdose of frankincense and myrrh. It was a sad day but the search continues for a cure.
I’m only just beginning to feel the change that’s’ coming. It was a terrible few months where I was stressed, over fed, and I found myself smiling way too much. I should be back on my feet by New Years but these strange effects of PTCS could linger for months.
I think we should all hire attorneys and have PTCS declared a disability. We could limit the government stipend to a once a year payment from Social Security that we’d receive early in December.
Vote Democratic!
After spending the entire day yesterday laying around like a big lump I went to sleep and spent eight more hours doing the same thing. I came awake this morning feeling somewhat better but still not quite back to what I consider normal. More snow through the nite was just the cherry on top of this week. I’m afraid this winter has started badly with more than two and a half feet of snow before New Year’s Day. I have the feeling we’ll be buried the entire winter. Yeah for us!
In past years I joked about SNIRT season here in Maine. That’s a mixture of SNow and dIRT for all you non-Mainers. It could be a record setting year if this photo is any indication. If this weather pattern continues with a snow storm every two or three days things could get really interesting. Just west of here in the White Mountains the ski resorts are already celebrating. They have close to a five foot base and expert much much more. They could be skiing well into April and May if they’re lucky. At least someone is reaping the benefits from all this damn snow. Unfortunately I haven’t figured a way to make money from this snow but I’m continuing to explore many possibilities.
The post-Christmas cleanup continues and will take a little longer than expected. It’s hard to believe such a small group of people could create such devastation in just two days. I almost had to use a snow shovel to clean the debris from the living room. I actually lost my cat for a while when he burrowed into the pile and disappeared.
I’ve just about finished my New Year’s resolutions and should be posting them in a day or so. They would have been done sooner but I got caught up in my reading of Sherlock Holmes stories and put them on the back burner for a few more days.
More snow and ice expected tomorrow so hurry up and make your travel plans to come visit us here in Maine. We have it all; SNOW, ICE STORMS, SLEET, SLUSH and of course SNIRT.
AND THANKS TO PEDDLER FOR THIS REMINDER
THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS
Well, another Christmas has come and gone. It’s late and the last of the family and friends have headed home. The day started early with my better-hale preparing some of her family traditions for Christmas morning. She makes a batch of cinnamon buns covered with lots of sugary icing. That and a large cup of hot coffee will definitely get your heart started. The grandson and his mom and dad arrived in late morning requiring the platter of shrimp to be unveiled and devoured. We all gathered in the living room around the tree for a time chit-chatting about this and that. It was obvious to me that everyone was just going through the motions until they could dig into the pile and open their gifts.
“The Aftermath”
As you can see an hour later and the room looked like Santa had shown up and then exploded. It took almost as long to clean up the debris as it did shopping to buy the stuff in the first place. The cat and grandson had a great time rummaging through the piles of wrapping paper and boxes seemingly more interested in that stuff than the gifts themselves. Kids!!!! Cats!!!!
Another hour has passed and everyone appears thrilled with their gifts so we snack a little more waiting for the next group to arrive. Our two visitors from northern Maine have finally arrived with tales of the previous day’s ice storm and the fact that most people up north are without electricity. It’s one of the hazards of living in Maine and those storms can be brutal. The last time we had one here we were without power for almost a week and a half. It’s difficult to sleep in a cold bed wearing a parka, gloves, and a tassel hat. It’s hard but we did it. The pictures taken during that storm are locked away where no one can seem them. We looked god awful.
After our new visitors had a beer and a few snacks the bowling tournament on the X-box began. I was able to avoid all of that because of my leg injury so I was the official photographer. Everyone had a ball with my better-half taking home the winners trophy.
Then it was my turn to cook and to fed the hoard with a decent meal. A honey-baked ham, rice, Brussels sprouts, and corn took care of everyone’s hunger pangs. It was followed later by delicious apple and pumpkin pies. Then after digesting for a while it was back to the X-box for a few rounds of darts which I also avoided by using “cleaning up the kitchen” as my excuse.
After loading up the cars they were off for the night leaving us at least two days of clean up. All in all a successful holiday gathering with a fun group of people. The better-half is scheduled for work at 5:00am and her son is flying out at 9:00am. Unfortunately none of us will be getting enough sleep tonight and we should be zombies all day tomorrow.
I hope your day was as enjoyable as ours. Merry Christmas!
Christmas is almost upon us and New Years is quickly approaching. I thought a little more Christmas humor was in order and also a healthy dose of New Year’s ridiculousness. Todays posting is a series of quotation’s from the rich and famous, the poor and unfamous, and from our favorite person of all time, Anonymous.
Christmas
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his presents remembered. Phyllis Diller
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Anonymous
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. Bernard Manning
Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. Anonymous
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
John Cleese, “Monty Python”
The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Joan Rivers
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. P.J. O’Rourke
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. Dave Barry
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
Many banks have a new kind of Christmas club in operation. The new club helps you save money to pay for last year’s gifts. Anonymous
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. Johnny Carson
I know some of these quotes are corny and stupid but never forget, so are we all at times. Now let’s hop, skip and jump onto the New Year’s bandwagon with a few more potentially humorous adages.
New Year’s
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. Bill Vaughn
The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. P.J. O’Rourke
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. Jay Leno
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets. William Thomas
The only way to spend New Year’s Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears. W.H. Auden
Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that.
Judith Crist
New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. James Agee
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. Anonymous
Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man. Benjamin Franklin
I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. Robert Paul
Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. Oprah Winfrey
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. Oscar Wilde
I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. Anais Nin
THREE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Are you really a Christmas person or do you just go through the motions like so many people do. Over the years I’ve developed into a pretty decent gift giver. I do the necessary research and when I give a gift it means something to me and to the person I’m gifting. That being said I’ve received some of the worst gifts ever on Christmas from people who claimed to be my friends. I hate being phony and it’s really difficult to look sincere with a ‘Thank You’ when I receive a gift that is horrible, stupid, or totally useless. I might pull a few facial muscles just trying to keep a stupid smile on my face.
I decided today I’d put together a list of some of the things that I’ve received over the years that I absolutely hated. Anyone reading this who is responsible for sending me these gifts, you suck. I wasn’t able to tell you that at the time because I was being polite but “you suck”. I wish I had the ability to regift all of those crappy items you folks spent so little time giving a thought to. Tell me how much you would love receiving one of these precious and thoughtless gifts.
* * *
Ugly Christmas Sweaters – I received two of these over the years. One was made by my mother and the second was made by a friend of the family. Honestly, I never wore either except for the five minutes after I opened the package and had no choice. Their final destination is unknown. I think Goodwill received them years ago.
Cheap Perfume – This is usually a gift I would consider for those young ladies with whom my relationship was on the wane. No more than a quart size bottle and pay no more than a $1.99. I searched for the worst smelling stuff I could find, wrapped it up real pretty and threw it under the tree and quietly walked away. This stuff smells to high heaven and clings on clothing like Super Glue. Nothing says we’re through like that good old funeral home fragrance.
Scratchers – Lottery scratchers are probably the most uncaring gift you could give anyone. While buying a cup of coffee you throw couple of scratches in the bag. Give them to the first chump who needs to be given a gift but that you don’t give a damn about. I refuse to give them as gift’s because nothing would piss me off more than to have some schmo I don’t care all that much about win money.
Hip Hop CD’s – I would really only give these as gifts if I could find a few in a bargain bin somewhere that didn’t cost me more than a dollar apiece.
Any Richard Simmons Workout DVD – This I would give as gifts to all of the fat asses I know who refuse to exercise or to eat properly or do anything healthy. Unfortunately knowing my friends and family the way I do I’d get this regifted almost immediately.
Positive Pregnancy Test – I’ve never received one of these in my life but I certainly worried about receiving a few.
Chia Pet – I’ve received these and given them as gifts in the past. It became something of a tradition with my son when as very young kid he told me he thought they were cool. For 6 years he received a different Chia Pet and I loved every second of the expressions on his face when he opened those packages.
Ugly Holiday Ties – this was always my son’s response to all the Chia pets. He made me pay.
Snuggie – You really have to dislike a person to give this as a gift. It’s the worst and dumbest thing ever thought up and I can name at least five people I’d immediately give one to. Not much else to say.
* * *
FOUR SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
Five shopping days leaves little time to do much of anything. In keeping with the holiday I thought a little Christmas poetry was in order. This year for me has been more than a little strange. Broken bones and weight loss were my themes this year and thankfully I found this version of “The Night Before Christmas” written for strictly for us dieters. Enjoy!
The Dieter’s Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
Dieting for me isn’t quite Christmassy enough. Many years ago I had a “friend” sent me this next version which was much more to my liking. Sex always sells so why not a sexy “Twas the Nite Before” instead of the traditional version. Maybe on Christmas Eve I’ll sent along a copy of the original to get us all into the real Christmas spirit. Enjoy this off-color version for now.
Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamppost, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”
FIVE SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
It’s Tuesday and we have seven shopping days left until Christmas. Are you stressed, pissed, and have you completely lost your sense of humor? Well, welcome to the club. Since Christmas has both the ability to excite and depress me I think a little darkness is necessary which fits right in with my current mindset. I’ve collected tombstone epithets for years and even took to the graveyards of Massachusetts while living there and made gravestone rubbings of some of the more interesting. They are at times poignant, heartfelt, funny, and even sarcastic. They do tend to get right to the point about the dearly departed who would be spinning in their graves if they ever read them. I hope they make you smile like they do for me.
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Here lies Lester Moore, four slugs from a 44, no Les, No More. Tombstone, Arizona
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Of children in all she bore twenty-four: Thank the Lord there will be no more. Canterbury, Kent, England
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Here lies the body of John Mound, Lost at Sea and never found. Winslow, Maine
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Here lies I, Jonathan Fry. Killed by a sky-rocket in my eye socket. Frodsham, Cheshire, England
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Here lies John Ross, Kicked by a horse. Channel Islands, England
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Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style 350 dollars. Springdale, Ohio
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Neglected by his doctor, ill treated by his nurse, his brother robbed the widow, which made it all the worse. Dulverton, Somerset, England
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Stranger approach this spot with gravity; John Brown is filling his last cavity. A Dentist
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Beneath this stone old Abraham lies; Nobody laughs and nobody cries. Where he is gone and how he fares, Nobody knows and nobody cares. For Abraham Newland
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Beneath these stones repose the bones of Theodosius Grim; He took his beer from year to year, and then the beer took him. A Beer Drinker
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Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go. Enosburg, Vermont
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Grim Death took me without any warning, I was well at night and dead in the morning. Sevenoaks, Kent, England
I looked up a few others in my archive since I know you all love your celebrities. Some are cute, some lame, but who really cares?
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My Jesus, mercy” Al Capone
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“The best is yet to come.” Frank Sinatra
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“This is the last of Earth! I am content!” John Quincy Adams (1767 – 1848)
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“Truth and History. 21 Men. The Boy Bandit King. He Died As He Lived. William H. Bonney ‘Billy the Kid'” Billy the Kid (unknown)
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“That’s all, folks!” Mel Blanc (the epitaph is the trademark line of cartoon character Porky Pig.
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“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” Winston Churchill
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“She did it the hard way” Bette Davis
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“Nothing’s So Sacred As Honor And Nothing’s So Loyal As Love” Wyatt Earp
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“I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” Robert Frost
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“Hey Ram” (Translated “Oh, God”) Mahatma Gandhi
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“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty I’m Free At Last.” Martin Luther King, Jr.
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“Workers of all lands unite. The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point is to change it.” Karl Marx
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“Truth to your own spirit” Jim Morrison
GET SOME REST, ONLY SEVEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT
I’m still trying desperately to figure out exactly what New Year’s resolutions I need to make for 2014. I’d like just once to be taking this process seriously instead of resorting to silly and humorous resolutions that I never intend to keep. I decided as always that further research is necessary to assist me in my endeavors.
Being the patriotic citizen that I am what better place to start than with the always politically correct US Government webpage. Here’s their suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for 2014 which are so politically correct and lame they must have been written by Obama himself.
Drink Less Alcohol
Eat Healthy Food
Get a Better Education
Get a Better Job
Get Fit
Lose Weight
Manage Debt
Manage Stress
Quit Smoking
Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
Save Money
Take a Trip
Volunteer to Help Others
I was seriously tempted not to put that list in this posting because it’s so damn embarrassing. However it’s important that I look at all the possibilities when trying to decide what will be my goals for the new year. During my research I then discovered a suggested list of New Year’s resolutions for senior citizens. I knew that list was going to piss me off because there’s no way someone who is not a senior citizen can write a list for senior citizens. Here’s that list and it’s only a little offensive and condescending.
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Visit your local senior center.
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Plan to eat at least one nourishing meal a day, not junk food or fast food, but a real meal.
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Increase your social contacts and make new friends at any senior center.
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Consider getting help If you live alone and don’t have family or friends.
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Learn how to use the Internet.
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Schedule regular exercise.
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Clean house. Go through your residence to identify items you no longer want, need or will never use again.
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Get your papers/affairs in order.
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Consider a personal emergency response system.
Well was I right or was I wrong? You can’t expect much more from a non-senior. Now, in an attempt at diversity which I’m almost always famous for I decided to see what our friends in the hip-hop community are resolving to do during 2014. These listed resolutions are not from one single rapper but a number of people involved in the hip-hop music scene. They’ll speak for themselves with no further comments from me.
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I’m an artist…Silence is my canvas!
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Focus more on the music.
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By the end of the year I’d like to receive some monetary compensation for creating music.
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As nice as it is to get weed or liquor for beats, I think I’m ready to step up.
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Stop spending more time on set up and reading manuals than I do writing.
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Start playing my saxophone on a daily basis again? Oh yeah,and get some exercise…..
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Return to sample based 90’s boom bap including scratches.
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Take guitar lessons.
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Get back to basics and not focus on what I hear on the radio and finish my studio.
My one last attempt at finding some real help on the Internet landed me onto the trail of a British stripper. Her heartfelt resolutions touched my heart and seemed more genuine than most of the others I’ve mentioned. This is obviously a woman who loves her work and is trying to make those improvements necessary to increase her revenue stream. If I knew where she actually worked I just might be tempted to pay her a visit and be talked into stuffing a few good old American dollar bills into some really interesting British places.
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Work on my flexibility.
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Whiten those teeth.
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Work at least four days a week.
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Work on a few new variations to my lap dance routines.
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Wake up sober on Thursdays.
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I’m going to begin yoga until I can once again lick my own leg.
All of this research hasn’t help me at all. My list of resolutions for 2014 is still tentative. I can’t decide on what approach to take in writing them and this research has made it even more difficult. I have a few weeks before the end of the year and I’ll continue my diligent efforts to come up with a few real resolutions I can strive for. I’d hate to be forced to again resort to making a list with items that are humorous, sarcastic, and silly.
More to come.
I’m what you might consider a “foodie”. I love to cook and above all I love to eat. It might explain why I’m in the middle of a six month weight loss program. As a kid I always looked forward to the holiday season primarily due to my grandmothers Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners. Every country and ethnic group has their own list of traditions for the holidays and compared to the United States they can be just a bit strange and a few are a little disgusting. Some are fun but they all accomplish the same basic things as ours. Time with family, friends, and memories of past holidays and family members.
Here are a few I discovered while surfing which are very interesting. I can guarantee one thing after reading them, I’ll never be attending Christmas dinners anywhere in Scandinavia. I love seafood but OMFG.
Japan
In Japan it’s customary to go out and eat Kentucky Fried Chicken for Christmas dinner from a nearby KFC of course. Thousands of people flock to KFC’s to enjoy some finger licking chicken and the Christmas rush has become so huge that some branches take table bookings.
Peru
In Peru, the big day is Noche Buena or “Good Night”, on December 24. On this night, after mass, everybody goes home to open gifts and feast on an elaborately prepared Christmas meal of traditional roasted turkey. At midnight, the adults toast with champagne and children raise their glasses of hot chocolate as fireworks shine in the night sky.
Bulgaria
In Bulgaria they cook 12 dishes to represent the 12 months of the year but they eat no meat. A typical feast consists of nuts, dried plums, cakes and banitza (a pastry). Walnuts are a necessary component of the meal as each family member cracks one in order to determine their fate for the next year.
France
Traditionally the French dine on a starter of fresh oysters served with rye bread and butter and lemon juice or shallot vinegar. Some households may also eat smoked salmon or escargots (snails). This dish is then followed by a second starter of Coquilles St Jacques (Scallops with mushrooms and white wine).
Italy
After the meatless day before Christmas, Italians often enjoy a delicious Christmas dinner that includes other meats. From lamb to roast beef, turkey or pork, Italians often include foods other than fish on their tables on Christmas day. Salads and antipasto are often the first course. Broccoli, eggplant, peppers and other vegetables are featured in side dishes. Pasta’s, a staple of Italian cooking, are also included on the big day, in baked dishes or as homemade vermicelli. Crostini, a dry toasted bread, is often included in the meal. Fruits and nuts may also make an appearance as well as desserts and sweets. Try your hand at making belfanini an anise flavored cookie.
Puerto Rico
Popular dishes include roast pig, rice and pea dishes, coquito or eggnog made with rum and coconut milk, coconut custard, fried plantains, and nuts. Many families also celebrate with unique dishes only made during the holiday season.
Sweden
Swedish Julafton (Christmas Eve dinner) typically consists of a smorgasbord with julskinka (a type of Christmas ham), lutefisk (pickled pigs feet), dried codfish, sliced gravlax (raw salmon cured in salt, sugar and dill), pickled herring and an assortment of sweets.
Norway
They enjoy pinnekjøtt which is salted lamb ribs for the main course. To compliment the meat they tend to eat mashed rutabaga (also known as swede) which is kind of like our turnips. Another favorite meat at Christmas is the lambs head to go along with the lamb ribs. This is boiled and salted (minus the brains) and the head is eaten from front to back with the tongue and eye muscles being particularly yummy cuts.
Czech Republic
Christmas is a very religious and peaceful time in the Czech Republic and everyone fasts for one day in the run up to the Christmas meal. They then start with a fish soup which is followed by the tradition of carp. This is often accompanied by a potato salad including onions, cooked carrots, pickled gherkins, cooked eggs and mayonnaise. This is prepared on Christmas Eve and allowed to ‘mellow’ for a day before eating. YUM?????
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You see what I mean about Scandinavia. Truly some acquired tastes there. I hope you’re finished with your shopping and are preparing to relax and enjoy the holiday. I know, I know, who am I kidding. You’re probable a bunch of Christmas Eve shoppers who get off on the big crowds and incidental body contact. Another unusual Christmas tradition that started in NYC on the subways. LOL
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