Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
After my raucous celebration of Earth Day, I thought a little humor would improve my morning. It’s only right that if I’m having a good morning, I should pass along some of that goodness to you. Here’s a short joke to start things off.
Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex? “Are you done?”
Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? “Honey, I’m home.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this joke which made me laugh out loud when I read it. Who doesn’t love sheep?
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A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a local vet for some help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what that means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into the back of his truck, drives them out into the woods, screws them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
In the morning, he wakes up and looks out at the sheep. Seeing as they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and again loads them into the truck. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back home and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still standing around. Out of frustration he again proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls totally exhausted into bed.
Morning arrives and he can’t even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if any of the sheep are lying in the grass.
“No”, she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
KEEP SMILING PERVERTS
Well yesterday was when the ever-so-lame Earth Day was celebrated. I’ve never celebrated this day the same way I don’t recognize or celebrate Kwanza. All of you so-called “Greenies” out there can get as excited as you’d like but not me. My concern for the environment is ongoing every day and not just on one day. Many people are truly “Green” but they’re in the minority. The majority of citizens when polled all love Earth Day but ask them again a week later. They aren’t quite that serious about it as they’d like everyone to believe. It’s become a social stigma not to beat the environmental drum.
This is a partial repost from April of 2013 to show that my opinions remain unchanged. Here are a few facts about how Earth Day was started and by the POS who was responsible. Read and learn you “Green” fools about one of your demi-gods who cared more for the planet than the life of an innocent women.
I’ve been around since the inception of Earth Day by Ira Einhorn and his half-assed hippy movement and while some of the initial ideas were valid concerning abuses of the environment it has now evolved into a semi-religious movement with goals and political aims that go way too far and are harming the country. Everything green becomes more important than life itself. The movement has no respect about another person’s property rights, their jobs, or the devastating effect many of the stupid EPA laws have had on unsuspecting citizens and businesses.
As in any political movement you must look at the leader for his ideas and credibility. Einhorn to me is just a stone-cold killer who thinks the laws of society don’t apply to him.
Ira Samuel Einhorn, a.k.a. “The Unicorn Killer” (born May 15, 1940), is a convicted murderer, and American activist of the 1960s and 1970s. He is now serving a life sentence for the 1977 murder of Holly Maddux.
How many Earth Days has “Holly Maddux” missed since she was beaten to death by Einhorn, stuffed into a trunk, and stuck in a closet. It took more than twenty years to find, arrest, return him to this country, and convict him.
To quote the murderer: “Underlying the themes of Earth Day is a call for mankind to align itself with nature, and against itself, enlisting human beings to take part in a battle that seeks to place humanity under the control of an enlightened elite, one that values the interests of nature above that of people.
If you’re interested and want more information about Einhorn and Earth Day, just click here to learn more about the case:
IRA EINHORN’S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
OH YEAH – HAPPY EARTH DAY HOLLY
When I started this blog many years ago it took me a while to come up with a proper name. Once the decision was made to call it “every useless thing” I was hooked into providing as many weird and unusual facts as I could find. I’ve created a rather large library of totally useless information and it’s my pride and joy. If I’ve calculated properly, I have enough facts and trivia to continue this blog for 10 more years and never repeat the same item twice. I get to find them and post them, and unfortunately you get to read them. Here we go . . .
- Reese Witherspoon has two pet donkeys.
- Keanu Reeves was born in Lebanon.
- The iconic mask used in the 1978 horror film Halloween was a plastic Captain Kirk mask from Star Trek, spray-painted white and with its eyeholes enlarged.
- The S. S. Minnow of Gilligan’s Island fame was named after former chairman of the FCC, Newton Minnow, who considered television to be a “vast wasteland.
- The maiden name of Betty rubble from the Flintstones show was Betty Jean McBricker.
- To complete the pair, the maiden name of Wilma Flintstone was Wilma Slaghoopel.
- In the United States, the last year that somebody officially died of “old age” was 1951 That’s the last year “old age” was listed on death certificates. It’s now referred to as death by “natural causes.”
- Robert Williams is the first known person to be killed by a robot. He worked at a Ford automobile factory and was struck in the head by a robot in 1979.
- Amalie Auguste Melitta Benz was the un-famous inventor of the coffee filter.
- The first mechanically sliced loaf of bread was sold under the famous Wonder Bread brand in 1930.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON
I think today I’ll keep this post rather short. I’m actually celebrating the fact that after two and half days of having no electric, no Internet, no phone service, and just generally cold and crappy weather, the storm has ended, and things are beginning to normalize. This ice storm destroyed most of southern Maine by damaging trees, adjacent homes, and dangerous conditions for any traveling. We have trees down everywhere and there’s still a few hundred thousand people in Maine with no power. I guess I got lucky that my street was repaired only after we sat in the dark and cold for two days. This is the second such storm in as many months totaling eight solid days of no utilities Internet, power, etc. etc. etc. It just brings home the fact that we rely on technology for damn near everything. Unfortunately, it’s also the first thing to fail.
I’ll probably be spending a great deal of time in the next few days trying to clean up the property because in my backyard alone I have three trees down and they have to be removed. I know that sounds bad but compared to most of the neighbors in this area I got off with minor damage. I thought I had all of the contingencies covered with storm preparation by installing a generator to carry the load when the electric goes out. Unfortunately, when the generator was supposed to kick in and turn on the electric it failed to work. Trying to find service people during a storm crisis is ridiculously difficult but I did get lucky. I made one call requiring that I travel 2 miles from my house, stand on my car roof and wave my hands in the air to get a signal in the midst of all this chaos. I guess I have to believe in miracles because within a half an hour of making that call, I returned home to find the electrician, his son, and a truck load of parts in my driveway. They dismantled my generator and immediately corrected the problem. As I write this, I’m still amazed. Things like that almost never happen but I’m certainly glad they did.
After all of that aggravation the power was fully restored this morning and now the cleanup begins. I hope and pray there are no more surprise spring storms showing up. Nothing good comes of these storms except if you own a Home Depot or Lowe’s, then you’re making a damn fortune. More to come in the next day or so and hopefully I can get this blog back to normal by then. Meanwhile . . . .
STAY WARM AND DRY AND PRAY FOR SPRING TO ARRIVE
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They first went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed somewhat bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked. “I want to be weighed,” she said. So, the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “112 lbs,” said the man at the scale, and he was obviously right. Next, they took a ride on the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do. “I want to be weighed,” she said again. I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?” “It was “Wousy,” said the girl.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and even walking. So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed with corrective surgery. “How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor. “Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Q. What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Fritz cracker?
A. One’s a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY . . .
AND MAYBE A LITTLE NAKED AS WELL
I hope all of you had an enjoyable Easter holiday. With that in mind I thought I’d offer up a little religious history and trivia. While I’m not all that religious I certainly enjoy anything concerning history whether it be mythological or factual. Enjoy.
- The egg has become the symbol for Easter because it began as an ancient symbol of new life and considered a fitting symbol for the Resurrection.
- A Bible published in London in 1632 became known as the Wicked Bible. It was called that because the word “not” was missing from the seventh commandment, making it “Thou shalt commit adultery.”
- Few people know that one of the most famous structures in Greek mythology was built by a man named Epeius. It was the Trojan horse.
- A bird was credited with saving Rome from attack by the Gauls in 390 B.C. The bird was a goose and according to legend its honking alerted the Romans to a night raid by the Gauls.
- The political-religious movement, Rastafarianism, is named after former Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie who at his coronation was titled Ras Tafari.
- The Vatican’s Sistine Chapel was named after Pope Sixtus IV who had it built as a private papal chapel.
- When the American Foundation for the Blind recorded the entire 774,000-word King James version of the Bible in 1944, it took 84 1/2 hours.
- The King James version of the Bible was the common source for a number of clichés; “Salt of the earth”, “Feet of clay”, and “Apple of my eye”.
- The seven cardinal virtues are prudence, temperance, fortitude, justice, faith, love, and hope.
- The seven deadly sins are pride, covetousness, lust, gluttony, anger, envy and sloth.
And here is a bit of bonus trivia concerning Pope John Paul II. His talents extended beyond the realm of his calling. He was also a gifted writer and musician. His 1979 record album, “At the Festival of the Sacro Song” sold over 1 million copies.
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IT’S EASIER TO PREACH TEN SERMONS THAN TO LIVE JUST ONE
I stumbled upon a book of limericks some months ago and finally took the time to read through it. Bear in mind that the writers of these limericks are now 57 years older, and many have sadly passed away. Let me bring a few of their limericks back to life if only for a moment for you to enjoy them. These are selections related to our loving pets and other lovable animals.
There was a young man who was bitten
By 42 cats and a kitten,
Cried he, “It is clear
My end is quite near,
No matter, I’ll die like a Briton.
A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
He got under the wheels
Of nine automobiles,
And after the last one he died.
There was a young man from the city,
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat,
And said, “Nice little cat!”
And they buried his clothes out of pity.
One day I went out to the zoo,
For I wanted to see the old gnu,
But the old gnu was dead,
They had a new gnu instead,
And that gnu, well, he knew he was new.
*****
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND
I’m feeling quite miscellaneous today. This last week has been a huge pain in the ass with two days of no electric or internet, and the never-ending smartphone interruptions. Add to that an ice storm and finally a visit to my least favorite doctor, my dentist. Things are now back in to normal (whatever the hell that means). Here is a Mish Mosh of trivia items that caught my interest earlier today, so let’s get this started with a list of ten actual pornographic movie titles that were takeoffs of real Hollywood movies.
Tiger’s Wood
Edward Penishands
Beverley Hills 9021-Ho!
Pulp Friction
Shaving Ryan’s Privates
Forest Hump
Raiders of the Lost Arse
Titty Titty Gang Bang
May the Foreskin Be With You
Girth, Wind, and Fire
Here are a few tidbits of mostly obscure information on a few of Hollywood’s endless supply of alleged celebrities.
- Sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer of TV fame is a trained rifle sniper.
- One of the few celebrities I like is Mel Brooks. Most people don’t realize that he fought in the Battle of the Bulge during World War II.
- Many of you will remember the late James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek) who was shot six times during the D-Day landings in World War II.
- The word “fuck” appears more than 265 times in the 1994 film Pulp Fiction.
- As a follow-up here are a few facts from the 1998 movie The Big Lebowski. The word “fuck” is spoken 292 times, the word dude is spoken 161 times, and the word man 147 times.
- The male lead in The Terminator was initially offered to O.J. Simpson and Mel Gibson. They both turned it down and Schwarzenegger stepped in.
- Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger earned roughly $21,490 per word in the movie The Terminator. He received $15 million for the role and spoke only 700 words.
BEAM ME UP SCOTTY, PLEASE!
The human body never ceases to amaze. Just when you think you’ve heard everything you could possibly hear about human bodies and their uses and peculiarities, you find out you had no idea just how strange they can be. So, let me start your education with more facts about your human body.
- Fingernails grow four times faster than toenails.
- Bright light and sunshine can make you sneeze.
- Right-handed people live on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
- Redheads are more likely than other people to be left-handed.
- Humans sweat up to a pint of fluid each night.
- Humans can survive longer without food than they can without sleep.
- Sleeping with an electric blanket can interrupt your sleep patterns and make it difficult to get a good night’s sleep.
- Your belly button is home to more than 60 strains of bacteria.
- The average adult toenail is home to 43 species of fungi.
And here’s an historical fun fact that is one of my favorites:
Benjamin Franklin wrote an essay about farts and flatulence called “Fart Proudly”.
HUMAN ANIMALS – WOW!
Here is another installment of some moderately disgusting 1980’s humor. How can you not appreciate the “good old days” and their “unwoke” attitude?
- Why are women like pianos? When they’re not up right, their grand!
- What do you have if you use Kaopectate, Clearasil and birth control pills? No runs, no zits, no errors!
- What’s the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Old age!
- What are the two stages of being a husband? When you want to be faithful but are not, and when you want to be faithful but cannot!
- What is it in the spring air that causes girls to get pregnant? Their legs!
- How many men suffer from wet dreams? Nobody suffers from wet dreams!
- What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!
- Why did the girl take a bath in peroxide? Because she heard that on the whole gentlemen prefer blondes!
- What is French asthma ? You can only catch your breath in snatches.
- What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up your family tree, but a gynecologist just peeks inside your bush!
Here is one of my all-time favorites.
What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find that you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time find out you can’t do it the first time!
LUV THE EIGHTIES
everyuselessthing.com 