Archive for the ‘Kill Me, I’m Begging You’ Category
Since my recent post of off-color limericks was so popular I thought I’d offer up a few more cute but nonetheless dirty jokes. I guess I should have figured out by now that I’ve got to “give the people what they want.” A few dirty jokes to help you continue the celebration of this important holiday.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. “Good morning, madam, I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?” “Oh yes, all the time. It’s very good for cuts, scrapes, and burns.” “Do you use it for anything else?” “Like what”, she asked. “Ahem. . well, during. . ahem. . sex.” “Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterward while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation (she is speaking in a cheery voice). “Hello? Oh, hi, I’m so glad you called. Really? Thanks. Okay. Bye.” She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?” Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
EVERYDAY CELEBRATE OUR VETS,
BOTH LIVING AND DEAD
Over the last three years I’ve been forced by circumstance to become somewhat knowledgeable about the medical profession and its many practices. It’s not something I ever wanted to know but fear is a great motivator. It motivated me to do a great deal of research to find out exactly what all my health problems were and suggested remedies. The following 10 items will give you a short education on trivia concerning the medical profession that you might find interesting. It’s much better to read them in a blog posting than in person.
- The first contraceptive diaphragm – centuries ago – were citrus rinds – halves of oranges for example.
- Male embryos, fetuses, and babies have a higher incidence of morbidity than females. Correspondingly, there is a higher rate of language disability among boys than girls.
- Ketchup once was sold as a patent medicine. In the 1830s it enjoyed a measure of popularity in the United States as Dr. Miles Compound Extract of Tomato.
- Victims of disease -people and animals – are buried underground, and yet the soil remains fairly free of disease germs. Germs are destroyed by the bacteria and other microscopic organisms living in the soil.
- For every ounce of alcohol you drink, it takes an hour to regain full driving faculties, that is, normal, alert, clearheaded reactions. If you have 5 ounces of alcohol around 8 PM, you should not drive until at least 1 AM the following day.
- Influenza was so named because the cause of the disease was supposedly the evil “influence” of the stars. This “influence” was believed also to be the cause of plagues and pestilences.
- Opium frequently was used as a pain killer by army doctors during the U.S. Civil War. By the end of the war, according to conservative estimates, 100,000 soldiers were addicted to opium – at a time when the total population of the country was only 40 million.
- In 1777, George Washington had the entire Continental Army – then 4000 men- vaccinated. This action was considered controversial at the time because few American doctors believed in vaccination. It may have saved the Army as a fighting force.
- The use of antibiotics did not begin in this century. Early folk medicine included the use of moldy foods or soil for infections. In ancient Egypt, for example, infections were treated with moldy bread.
- About 8 ounces of lamb’s blood were injected into the veins of a dying boy, temporarily restoring him, in the first blood transfusion on record. It was performed in 1667 by Gene Baptiste Dennis, physician to King Louis XIV of France.
ALL THIS AND NO HEALTH INSURANCE
It’s sunny outside. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it’s an effing miracle. I’m sitting here basking in the sun as I read through some of the thousands of limericks I have on file. Today’s limericks are not for the youngsters or those overly sensitive and chaste virgins. They were apparently written in the early 1980’s when an off-color sense of human was more acceptable. For a change these are a little bawdy but in a cute and funny way and I hope you enjoy them.
💥💥💥
An obese old broker named Kip
Took a very fat girl on a trip.
He was talking of stock
When he put in his cock.
At the end she said: “Thanks for the tip.”
🤪🤪🤪
There was a young lady from Ghent,
Who said she knew what it meant,
When a man asked her to dine,
Fed her whiskey and wine.
She knew what it meant – but she went.
😎😎😎
There was a young lecher named Lapp,
Who thought condoms were just so much crap.
Said he: “All of us he-men
Like to scatter our semen.”
Three weeks later he still had the clap.
🙃🙃🙃
A virgin emerged from her bath
In a state of righteous wrath,
For she’d been deflowered
When she bent over as she showered,
And the handle was right in the path.
💥💥💥
RATED PG
(Thanks Ray Allen Billington)
As you’re probably aware I collect weird and odd trivia. I stumbled upon a book by a Mr. Russ Kick titled “50 Things You’re Not Supposed to Know”. It’s a collection of somewhat obscure facts collected by Kick. I’ll list ten of the facts from the book without the accompanying lengthy explanations provided to prove his points. Some facts appear outrageous, but it seems his research was well done. If you want to check his facts, then you’ll need to find and buy the book or do some lengthy research online.
Barbie is based on a German sex doll
Fetuses masturbate
George Washington embezzled government funds
Scientists are re-creating the highly lethal 1918 Spanish Flu virus
Several thousand Americans were held in Nazi concentration camps during WW2
Well over 300,000 tons of chemical weapons have been dumped into the sea
Men have clitorises
Native Americans were once kept as slaves
James Audubon killed all the birds he painted
The Environmental Protection Agency lied about New York’s air quality after the 9/11 disaster.
This little book makes for interesting reading.
Well, welcome to Friday people. Another gloriously gray rainy and crappy day here in Maine. It makes for a really boring day if you can’t leave the house, but I do have plenty of things to break the monotony. Today that will include a few funny and moderately dirty jokes. I know how much all of you seem to enjoy them almost as much as I do. Have a few laughs and then drop to your knees and loudly pray for some effing sunshine.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
- One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped out of the alley, jumped in the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet naked woman sitting in the backseat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I notice that you are completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spreads her legs, put your feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, ” Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie calmly asked, “Got anything smaller?”
- A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in those pills that could help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctors’ knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind up one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18-year-old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
😜😜😜
One of My Favorite Sayings:
“If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.”
Confucius
Here we go again with another rainy and gray day. Spring really wants to make an appearance but for some reason she’s having difficulties. The sun shines brightly for 2 hours a day broken up into 15-minute segments. The problem then becomes when you have a “freezing your ass off” moment every time a cloud goes by. Truthfully Mother Nature is really starting to piss me off.
Now let me get back to the subject. A few months ago, I purchased a pile of old used books which appear to have once been library books. I have books from libraries all over the country. One in particular is a book of limericks (mostly clean) written by some well-known authors and celebrities. See what you think.
By: Lewis Carroll
His sister named Lucy O’Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner,
The reason was plain,
She slipped out in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
💥💥
By: Ogden Nash
It was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butta,
Thus, converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft, oleaginous mutta.
By: Oliver Wendell Holmes
The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The Hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
💥💥
By: Rudyard Kipling
There was once a small boy in Québec
Stood buried in snow to his neck.
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He said: “Yes, I is,
“But we don’t call this cold in Québec.”
💥💥💥
As you can imagine I read hundreds of limericks a month but even I was taken by surprise when I read these four. Just goes to show you that even celebrated writers and authors have a real bitch of a time writing limericks. I’m sure that if of you took a few minutes, you could write better stuff than this. Only one of these four showed me something interesting and that was the one by Oliver Wendall Holmes. Read it carefully and see if you spot his clever efforts.
LIMERICK WRITERS RULE!
I thought since it’s another gray, wet, and crappy day I’d get lazy and throw a collection of useless information your way. There’s no rhyme or reason just a whole lot of nonsensical facts.
Odd Newpaper Headlines
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Ridiculous Newspaper Classified Ads
- For Sale: Two wire-mesh butchering gloves, one 5 finger, one 3 finger, pair $15.00.
- Free Puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel – 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
- Georgia Peaches – California Grown – 89 cents a pound.
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer and dryer – $300.
- For Sale: an antique desk suitable for a lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Malaprops (From Student Essays)
- A rolling stone gathers no moths.
- The battle was won due to gorilla warfare.
- The store was closed for altercations.
- The Second Amendment gives citizens the right to bare arms.
Attorneys and Friends (Actual Court Testimony)
- How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the accident?
- You say the stairs went down to the basement? Did they also go up?
- Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
- Now, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
JUST PLAIN SILLINESS
Bath Abby, England
Here lies Ann Mann.
She lived an old maid and
She died an Old Mann
🪦🪦🪦
Bayfield, Mississippi
Here lies my wife in earthly mold,
Who when she lived did nothing but scold.
Please wake her not, for now she’s still,
I’m alone, but now I have my will.
Boston Granary Cemetery
Here lie I bereft of breath
Because a cough carried me off.
Then a coffin they carried me off in.
🪦🪦🪦
Skaneateles, New York
Underneath this pile of stones
Lies all that’s left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Briggs, it was not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
The last words of Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
“Drink to me.”
AMEN BROTHER!!
I discovered over the years that the older you get the more reminiscing you do and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve always been a believer of worrying about the future not the past and that hasn’t changed a whole lot. I’ll be turning 78 years old in August of this year and I’m amazed. I never thought I’d live this long because of my rough and tumble attitude towards living. As I was reminiscing about my long and somewhat interesting life I wondered, what some of the other people that I read about deal with their aging after the age of 70. I always jokingly told anyone who’d listen that after 70 I would retire, sit on my porch with a drink, and smoke as much weed as I could get my hands on until I passed on. Little did I know that I’d be buying my cannabis at a convenience store in gummy form. One of life’s many miracles. I thought a little reflection on my current lifestyle should be matched against some of our more famous or infamous celebrities.
Age 70
Socrates is condemned to die for corrupting the minds of Athenian youth.
Me: I made dozens of bottles of wine, and then spent a few months drinking them.
Age 71
Nelson Mandela was released from a South African prison, after 20 years of incarceration.
Me: Completed a few graphic paintings of scantily clad buxom young women. Then I drank some more wine and sat and looked at them. And yes, I still do.
Age 72
The Marquis de Sade takes a new, 15-year-old lover.
Me: I looked for a 15-year-old lover but forgot why.
Page 73
Walt Stack completes the Ironman Triathlon in 26 hours, 20 minutes.
Me: I did 1000 steps in one day, and my faithful Fit Bit was so amazed it exploded.
Age 74
Albert Einstein announces his unified field theory (but it didn’t hold up).
Me: Drank more wine, contemplated some of my erotic paintings, and worked hard trying to remember the names of the models.
Age 75
Fanny Garrison Villard founds the Women’s Peace Society.
Me: I founded and celebrated the Maine chapter of the Jack Daniels Fan Club. I also considered making a Hag to their distillery in Tennessee.
Age 76
Charles Foster Kane, of Citizen Kane, whispers his immortal, confounding clue, “Rosebud”.
Me: I decided after rereading Citizen Kane that I needed a lot more Jack Daniels. It’s the only way to defend myself against the boredom of Orson Welles and his writings. Little did he know I once had a fat little gerbil named Orson who never really bored me at all.
Age 77
Grandma Moses takes up painting in a serious manner.
Me: After 16 years of my so-called retirement, I bought a lot more weed and a case of a really good Chardonnay in preparation for the start of our three grandson’s 2024 Little League debuts.
LIFE CAN BE GOOD – IF YOU LET IT
Do you own a cowboy hat or other articles of western clothing. The American Old West has fans around the globe as reflected in thousands of Japanese cowboys who live for the fantasy. I was a big fan at an early age when I received my first two-gun cap pistol rig. When the novelty of that wore off, I was pretty much finished with my desire to be a cowboy, so I moved on to wanting to be a professional baseball player and later still a first-class skirt chaser. I’m not wearing a cowboy hat, boots, or assless chaps but I still can offer a few limericks from the Old West.
While waiting for the Sioux to disband,
Colonel Custer took matters in hand.
Despite his dejection
He achieved an erection.
That was almost Custer’s Last Stand.
As a gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok
Had mastered every known trick-shot.
But his skills while in bed
Leave less to said,
For nothing could make his small dick hot.
Said a girl who came west to a farm,
“City life has far greater charm.
Take the pleasures of orgasm,
Each urban girl has’em,
But in Kansas they’re viewed with alarm.
An old whore who worked Santa Fe
Was known as a luscious hot lay.
But the bugs in her twitchet
Forced her always to itch it,
And that frightened her clients away.
Yee Ha, Y’all!
everyuselessthing.com 