Archive for the ‘Looking Back’ Category
Now that the new year has begun and the obligatory resolutions have been posted, I thought it would be nice to return to one of the mainstays of this blog, LIMERICKS! I have a large and varied collection but today I’ll be reaching way back to 1979 for some inspiration. I hope you enjoy them.
💥
A skinny old maid from Verdun
Wed a short-peckered son-of-a-gun.
She said, “I don’t care
If there isn’t much there.
God knows it is better than none.”
💥💥
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch –
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
💥💥💥
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be:
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.
💥💥💥💥
Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
😜
GOTTA LUV THEM 70’S
How about a few strange trivia facts. After all this blog isn’t called Every-Useless-Thing for nothing. Here’s a small collection of useless things for your enjoyment.
- One pound of peanut butter can contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs.
- Roughly 100 people die every year from choking on ball-point pens.
- Some scientists view love in terms of addiction. One study discovered that monogamous pairing is based in the same region of the brain as drug addiction.
- Studies show that 87 percent of people fear getting trapped in dull conversations at dinner parties.
- A retired teacher in California once admitted that he taught for 17 years without knowing how to read or write.
- There is a real neurological disorder called Alien Hand Syndrome (AHS). It causes the sufferer’s hands to move independently, without control of the action.
- The acid in your stomach is so powerful that it can dissolve a razor blade in less than a week.
- You can find 20 million microscopic animals living on a square inch of human skin.
- More than 90 percent of women have asymmetrical breasts.
- On any given day, approximately 400 million people across the globe will have sexual intercourse, which means that about 4,000 people are probably having sex right now.
THE HUMAN MIRACLE – NOT
Well, it’s 2025 and I’m off to a good start. I’ve completed my New Year’s resolutions and thrown a little poetry your way. Not too bad for the first week of a new year. Since it’s freezing cold here in Maine and I’m stuck in the house and becoming a little disgruntled with this winter weather, I thought some morbid historical celebrity trivia was needed. Here ‘s the quiz . . .
- What colonial patriot, author and inventor is buried at Christ Church in Philadelphia? Ben Franklin
- What twentieth century president was born, raised, and buried in Hyde Park, NY? FDR
- What famous pioneer and scout has his home and grave located in Taos, New Mexico? Christopher “Kit” Carson
- What much loved western comedian’s home, birthplace, and grave can be visited in Claremore, Oklahoma? Will Rogers
- Samuel Wilson’s grave is in Troy, NY. What U.S. symbol was he the original of? Uncle Sam
- What is unusual about the large bust of Abraham Lincoln located near his grave? His bronze nose is very shiny because so many visitors rub it for luck.
- What nickname for an Iowan resident honors the Sauk Indian chief Black Hawk? Hawkeye
- What notable achievement of Thomas Jefferson’s life did he not mention when he created his own tombstone? President of the United States
- Who is buried in Grants Tomb in Manhattan? Mrs. U.S. Grant and her husband.
❄️⛄🎿
ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE
I was really disappointed with my terrible showing on the 2024 New Years resolutions. Barring any unforeseen catastrophes I hope to do much better in 2025. I admit that my bout of laziness during those warm summer months didn’t help. I just had too many distractions!
*** HERE THEY ARE FOR 2025***
Read at least 100 books by years end (more if possible).
Complete at least four illustrations for use as gifts for next Christmas.
Complete one sculpture using a technique I haven’t used before.
Show more patience to my better-half’s retirement adjustments.
Attempt to write some serious poetry that’s worth reading.
Continued monitoring of the grandsons for new and exciting cuss words. (Minimum of 1)
Continue to ignore all of the weird and bizzare health tips from the Internet. (This one is too easy.)
I plan on being more serious about completing the resolutions this year. I’ve always set goals for myself for most of my life with a great deal of success. This will be a lot more fun because the only person looking over my shoulder these days will be ME!
CHALLENGE YOURSELF
There are times that self-reflection can be a dangerous and disappointing endeavor. As you get older you will tend to spend a great deal of time reviewing your life. If you’re a truthful person (at least to yourself) you may discover a number of things that aren’t all that wonderful. I thought for most of my life that I was quite the romantic. I was never going to be a Don Juan, but I thought I was able to hold my own in that department. I’ve finally came to the realization that I may have been mistaken. After all my years of reading, writing, and talking with thousands of people, it finally became clear that I was somewhat lacking in that area. Today’s post is a short collection of poetry by some well-known people whose romantic writings put mine to shame.
By Franz Kafka, “From A Letter to Milena Jesenska”
I am just walking around here between
the line (of my letter), under the light
of your eyes, in the breath of your
mouth as in a beautiful happy day.
❤️❤️❤️
By Lorrie Moore, 1957
Need: Something to lift you from your boots
out into the sky, something to make you like
little things again, to whirl around the
curves of your ears and muss up your hair
and call you every day.
❤️❤️❤️
By Elizabeth Jennings, 1916, from “Absence”.
It was because the place was just the same
that made your absence seem a savage force.
For under all the gentleness there came
an earthquake tremor: fountains, birds
and grass were shaken by my thinking
of your name.
❤️❤️❤️
By Ralph Waldo Emerson, from “Thine Eyes Still Shined.”
When the red bird spread his sable wing,
and showed his side of flame;
When the rosebud ripened to the rose,
in both I read thy name.
💕💕💕
THATS WHAT I CALL ROMANCE
I’m a lover of all things historical. I’m always on the lookout for books and reference material concerning not just the history of the United States, but of the world. Like it or not the history of the world in its entirety is much worse than this country ever has been. Here are a few examples of that history.
- The Olympic Games of 1916, scheduled to be held in Berlin, were cancelled due to “global unpleasantness.” Thats just another world for WWI.
- The medical officer at the Birmingham prison in 1918 recommended that any condemned men be supplied with at least a dozen cigarettes a day.
- In 1920, King Alexander of Greece, uncle of the Duke of Edinburgh, died after being bitten by a pet monkey.
- In 1921 in Russia, while reporting on the famine, Arthur Ransome found an old woman so desperate for food she was reduced to cooking horse dung in a broken saucepan.
- In 1923, Coco Chanel set the trend for tanning when, on a Mediterranean cruise, she inadvertently allowed herself to go brown in the sun. The fashion world immediately assumed it was the chic thing to do.
- In 1927 during a London run at the Little Theatre, an adaption of Dracula, caused 29 people to faint requiring a nurse to be on hand at all showings.
- In 1936 during his brief period as king, Edward VIII once avoided an awkward interview by jumping out a window in Buckingham Palace and running away to hide in the garden.
- In 1938 having just returned from Munich and bringing “peace for our time”, Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain requested an update on the long-tailed tits nesting in the Treasury building.
BE GLAD YOUR HERE
Earlier this year in September I posted an update of my New Years resolutions. I only listed five items this year rather than my normal ten because I’m old, lazy, and distracted by damn near everything. Here is my final tally for 2024. I have to say it’s a little disappointing. See what you think.
READ MORE THAN 100 BOOKS
This is a big “INCOMPLETE”. After checking with Kindle and my home library I missed my target by two books. I’m currently reading book number 99, but I won’t get it finished until sometime in January (it’s a large tome).
TRY TO BE A LITTLE FRIENDLIER TOWARDS THE REST OF THE WORLD
This was the hardest one for me. I’m claiming a big “COMPLETE” because I feel I discovered a simple solution on how be friendlier to the rest of the world. I’ll just limit my contact only with people who I like and those that like me back. That has vastly improved my “niceness” profile because the people who dislike me never get to hear from me.
KEEP DUNKIN’ EXPENDITURES TO LESS THAN $40.00 A MONTH
I claim a big “COMPLETE” on this one. Fortunately for my wallet, my better-half retired this year. I’ve been freed from those constant coffee runs to Dunkin Donuts to feed her coffee addiction. That leaves me approximately $400.00 a year to feed my favorite addictions for a change.
COMPLETE EIGHT PAINTINGS OR PRINTS
This resolution was another “INCOMPLETE”. I finished only five prints so far due to a two-month bout of absolute laziness. I’ll certainly improve this next year, I hope.
LEARN AT LEAST FOUR NEW CUSS WORDS FROM MY GRANDSONS
This is another “INCOMPLETE”. I was only able to come up with one new cuss word that I overheard when my two grandsons were having a private conversation. I was eavesdropping like any good adult should do but I’m still not sure which one of the boys said the magic word “shitster”. I have no context for that word, but I sure liked the sound of it. Being a “shitster” is probably way better than being a gangster. At some point I may ask the boys for clarification but first I may use the word during a conversation with their parents when they’re close enough to hear me. LOL
😒TWO OF FIVE😒
HOW DID YOU DO IN 2024?
Well, it’s New Years Eve once again. This was a fun holiday when I was in my teens and twenties but these days not so much. I never really understood what the big deal was and still don’t. It’s just a day and night made for drinking, carousing, and avoiding sobriety check points. I hope none of you become victims of that stupidity and cause an accident that may harm yourself and others by drinking and driving. In my years as a police officer, I made a point of not working on this holiday. I took the day off and then occasionally drank too much, caroused too much, and got really stupid. I managed to survive but only just.
This year I’m housebound and safe from the fits of holiday stupidity. Please be safe . . . and not too stupid. I wouldn’t want to be reading about any of you on “the day after”. Let me bring a few smiles to your lips before you decide to begin your celebration by taking a little trip to the 1980’s for some occasionally rude and hilarious humor.
- If the shrimps come in on a shrimp boat, how do the crabs come in? On the captain’s dinghy.
- Why did Miss Piggy miss her last concert? She had a frog in her throat.
- What happens when you moon in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You wind up with your ass in a jam.
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a skinny girl? The counterfeit bill is a phony buck.
- What’s the definition of a real lady? Someone who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and only curses if it slips out.
- Why did they name the new feminine hygiene spray SSY? Because it takes the PU out of pussy.
- What happens when a guaranteed condom breaks? The guarantee runs out.
- What’s 138? Dinner for four.
- When do you know you’ve had the world’s best head? You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.
- What’s the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is the first time you find out you can’t do it the second time, and panic is the second time you found out you couldn’t do it the first time.
BE CAREFUL OUT THERE
Christmas is gone . . . thankfully. I love all the presents, and I love all the decorations (if I’m not forced into putting them up), but my downfall is all the damn food. I’m what you might call a “taster”. I love tasting everything and this year was the worst since last year. I swear we had enough food for twenty people but unfortunately, there were only seven of us. That means that I’ll be eating reheated holiday leftovers for at least the next two weeks. Also, let’s not forget the large influx of food anticipated on New Years Eve and again on New Years Day. I have absolutely no willpower and I’ll probably be found dead with a large slab of lukewarm ham hanging out of my mouth. With that cheery thought in mind, I’ll be posting a few tidbits of trivia about food as I sit here eating blueberry donuts and cherry lifesavers.
- Animal Crackers were introduced in 1902 as a Christmas novelty item and packaged with a string for a handle. It made it easier to hang them on the Christmas tree as an ornament.
- Coffee was officially recognized as a Christian drink by Pope Clement VIII in 1592.
- Most of the egg rolls sold in grocery stores in the United States are actually produced in Houston, Texas.
- The American city that consumes the most ketchup is New Orleans.
- Eighty-seven percent of whole milk is water.
- Miss Piggy of Muppets fame was once quoted, “Never eat more than you can lift.”
- The term “Surf & Turf” was coined by gastronome Diamond Jim Brady and was first served to him at a waterfront restaurant in Brooklyn, NY, in the late 1880’s.
- The name Lorna Doone was the name given to a shortbread cookie in 1869 based on a novel by the same name.
- Baskin-Robbins introduced an ice cream, Lunar Cheesecake, in 1969 to commemorate the moon landing.
- Salsa overtook the ever-popular ketchup as the top selling condiment in 1991.
BRING ON NEW YEARS, I’M NOT TOO AFRAID
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really dislike Christmas, but I certainly dislike the never-ending and relentless commercialization of what is supposed to be a religious celebration. I have to credit Amazon for doubling down on the holidays like never before because they’ve made it entirely too easy for people to overspend which in turn requires me to discipline myself like never before. Just too many gadgets, too many commercials and an endless supply of scammers who may be the hardest workers of all during the holidays. For every email I get from friends and family members, I get 100 from scammers and spammers. I’ve slowly been turned into a paranoid person like never before. It feels good to have the holiday over so I can get back to what I call normal (and I use that term loosely).
The post today will be taking a sharp left turn from the holidays to celebrate three things I love: poetry, young children, and Winter. Here are a few samples of great poetry by a few up-and-coming young poets.
By Gilliam Humphrey, Age 10, New Zealand
Winter stalks
At a steady pace.
Being sullen in choosing
The weather of tomorrow
The sour, chilly breeze
Sweeps the showery sky
The pods of rain
And minced mud
Bring forth a wintry day.
❄️❄️
By Thea Boughton, Age 11, United States
Fluttering helplessly
Buffeted, the bewildered starling
Pecks and shivers.
🏂🏻🏂🏻
By Harji Patel, Age 11, Kenya
It was a silent day, the trees didn’t move
Nobody bowed to the wind, the sun didn’t rise
The cold breeze blowed.
It was a naughty day that didn’t wake!
⛄⛄
By Diane Hill, Age 11, England
Slowly melting, slowly dying
My heart drops with the drips
The long finger of ice stretches out
And its tears roll off its tip.
🎿🎿
By David Lippu, Age 13, United States, a Haiku
First snowstorm romp . . .
Her puppy’s wet kiss
Froze on my sister’s glowing cheek.
❄️❄️❄️
A GREAT WAY TO START THE NEW YEAR
(Special Thanks to Richard Lewis)
everyuselessthing.com 