Over the last month I’ve posted a few times about the decade of the 1980’s. Those posts seemed to grab the attention of quite a few people, and I didn’t really understand why. I lived through the eighties, but I was a little disconnected from reality at the time (thanks to marijuana) and a seven-day work week. I had just started a new business and wasn’t paying much attention to the people and the goings-on of the country. To say I’m an expert on the 1980’s would be a lie but being the nosy person that I am I decided to do a little research into that time period. I also decided to test myself with a ten question 1980’s trivia challenge. To be honest, I failed miserably. Here are the ten questions of which I was able to correctly answer just four. I guess it just doesn’t pay to be oblivious to the world around you. I’m listing the answers so even if you cheat, no one will ever know. Enjoy!
What was the last number one song of the 1980’s? “Another Day in Paradise” by Phil Collins
What company advertised its denim jeans as “for the American way of life”? Zena, by Zena Gilbert
What was the name of Al Pacino’s character in the 1983 Brian de Palma film Scarface? Tony Montana
What actress starred opposite the title character in the 1986 film Howard the Duck? Leah Thompson
What is the A in TV’s ALF stand for? Alien
Which of these NASA space shuttles did not fly in the 1980’s? Endeavor
What was the name of the boat involved in the Donna Rice scandal that sank Gary Harts 1988 presidential run? Monkey Business
What product was introduced with an Orwellian TV commercial entitled “1984”? Apple Macintosh
Who hosted the syndicated game show Love Connection when it debuted in 1983? Chuck Woolery
What pain reliever was pulled from store shelves in 1982 after a Chicago-area tampering case killed seven? Tylenol
I’ve always thought of myself as quite the romantic but unfortunately there weren’t many women who agreed. All you really can do is accept your failings and keep on trying. I admit that after hearing ‘you’re not very romantic” a dozen or more times I finally got the message. Unfortunately, I never seemed to get it right and after discussions with other men I discovered it was quite possible that I wasn’t the entire problem. I continued to stumble along like a kid in a candy store with no pennies in his pocket. These limericks are for all of those ladies (and I use the term loosely) that didn’t appreciate my hundreds of romantic moves. These beautiful poems are a little dated, but they all have important information concerning men and women involved in “Little Romances”.
I love trivia that is unusual and odd. So today I’ll list a few items from one of the top three areas most requested from readers? SEX as always leads the list so for today, I’ll just eliminate FOOD & LIMERICKS. Here’s everything you need to know about SEX (LOL).
A recent survey revealed that 25% of Swedish women have had sex with more than 50 men.
The average sexually active woman has sex 83 times per year.
Sex burns off 360 calories an hour.
The heart beats faster during a brisk walk or a good argument then it does during sexual intercourse.
America’s first manufactured condoms appeared in 1870 and were made of vulcanized rubber. They were thick, insensitive, and intended to be reused.
Men are four times more likely to sleep in the nude than women.
One in every 300 births in the United States occurs in a vehicle.
11% of women and 5% of men claimed never to have masturbated.
Being retired has had one advantage I never bargained on and that was “streaming”. I retired in 2008 and “streaming” hadn’t really come into its own just yet. Today I’m even more hooked on television than ever before due in part to another new term of the 21st century, “bingeing.” I’ve watched hundreds of newly produced shows from Netflix and others as well as thousands of the old shows. I rediscovered just how much I truly disliked most of them back in the day. I’ve now gotten to the point where I’ve seen all I want to see of most of the more familiar streaming services and watching all those old shows is just pure torture. I really don’t need to see a once young, buxom and sexy Suzanne Somers romping around or reruns of All in the Family. The attraction there is still watching Sally Struthers strutting her stuff before a few of her things (two in particular) had begun to sag. I’ve been spending more and more of my time reading my Kindle or rummaging through my library to read actual books. I decided today’s trivia facts about the Cinema were more than a little appropriate for all you cinephiles out there.
What was the name of the mechanical shark in the 1975 smash hit Jaws? Bruce
Robert Redford was paid $6 million for his role in the 1985 film Out of Africa. How much was leading lady Meryl Streep paid? She received $3 million.
At an MGM option in 1970, two items went for the top price of $1500. One was the full-size boat used in the musical Showboat. What was the other? Judy Garland’s size 4 1/2 red shoes from the Wizard of Oz.
Who coined the phrase “cameo role” to describe the appearance of a top movie star in a bit part? Showmen Mike Todd, when he produced the Oscar-winning Around the World in 80 days in 1955.
OMG – YUM!!
What two tough guy actors turned down the role of the avenging “Man with No Name” in Sergio Leone’s spaghetti western A Fistful of Dollars before Clint Eastwood was offered the part? James Coburn and Charles Bronson. Henry Fonda was the first choice, but he was too expensive.
In 1980, who were the Top 10 box office stars in Hollywood, according to the nation’s film exhibitor? From 1 to 10: Bert Reynolds, Robert Redford, Clint Eastwood, Jane Fonda, Dustin Hoffman, John Travolta, Sally Field, Sissy Spacek, Barbra Streisand and Steve Martin.
Why was popcorn not permitted in most movie theaters in the 1920’s? It was deemed to be too noisy.
How old was actor Jeff Bridges when he made his screen debut? Four months. He appeared as a crying baby in the 1950’s film The Company She Keeps.
It’s time for some limerick history. As you may be aware I collect limericks from all sorts of sources. Recently I purchased a few small used books from an online thrift bookstore. Buying books in bulk is always a risk but sometimes it pays off with pleasant surprises. Today’s limericks were published in a small inconsequential book of just sixty pages in 1960. It’s been 64 years since then and many of the limericks in the book were collected from even older sources. They are officially titled “Laundered Limericks” meaning many were cleaned of obscenities to get them printed but still contain some vulgarities. I’d probably rate some of these as PG but that’s for you readers to decide.
“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
I thought I should lighten things up a bit since my last two posts were a wee bit negative. It always helps to clear some of that negativity with humor (especially off-color humor). Enjoy . . .
Q. What do bungee jumping, and prostitutes have in common? A. They both cost two hundred dollars and if the rubber breaks your screwed.
The young man has been dating his girlfriend for over a year, and so they decided to finally get married. His parents, family and friends helped him in every way possible. There was only one thing really bothering him, and that was his fiancée’s younger sister. She was twenty years old, and constantly wore extremely tight miniskirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near him and he had many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, little sister called and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he got there and she whispered to him quietly that soon he was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn’t overcome. She told him that she wanted to make love to him just once before he got married and committed his life to her sister. He was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” He was stunned as he watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her red panties and threw them down the stairs to him. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and ran for the front door. He opened the door, stepped out of the house. and ran straight towards his car. Without warning his future father-in-law was standing behind a shrub. With tears in his eyes, her father hugged him and said, “We are very happy that you’ve passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family son.” The moral of the story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame? A. It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Tarzan and Jane are preparing to make love for the first time, but Tarzan tell Jane that he doesn’t know how to do it. Jane says, “Look, it’s really very easy.” Tarzan tells her, “Tarzan usually does it in tree trunk hole”. Jane advises, “You’ve got it all wrong, you just stick it in this hole,” motioning to her crotch. Tarzan and Jane then get naked and Jane motions for Tarzan to put it in. Tarzan slowly walks over to Jane and kicks her very hard in her crotch. Jane, twitching with terrible pain, asks Tarzan, “What the hell was that for?” Tarzan says, “Tarzan checks for squirrels.“
Q. What has 100 balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Are you happy? Living in the 21st century can be confusing at times and utterly ridiculous almost always. I can’t even wrap my head around how people are raising children these days. It’s when my frustration gets to be too much, I revert to other times that were also screwy but not near as strange as right now. The following humor was based entirely on the 1980’s so bear that in mind as you read them. Everything is always about context. Hop on the time travel train for a few minutes and enjoy 1984. Orwell didn’t have a clue.
When should you stop fucking your girlfriend doggie style? When you catch her chasing cars.
What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.
What’s the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss.
What do you find at the bottom of girls’ undies? Clitty litter.
What’s the difference between a fox and a pig? About six beers.
What’s a box spring? An I. U. D.
Why did the stupid girl think there was something wrong with her birth control pills? They kept falling out.
Why was 6 mad at 7? Because 7-8-9
What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins? “Tu Yung Tu”, Tu Dum Tu”, and “No Yen Tu.
Why don’t chickens wear underwear? Because they would look fucking stupid.
What’s the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a hooker with diarrhea? An epileptic corn husker shucks between fits.
I’m feeling somewhat indifferent today. I got up early, had a cup of really godawful coffee which is not a good way to start any day. My lack of interest was exacerbated by the few things I had to accomplish. For those of you that don’t know I drive a 2008 Smart car. It’s a small vehicle on a good day but it’s the only delivery vehicle I have. Here in Maine, we recycle bottles and cans and today was the day for me to cash in all those nickels. I checked my garage and to my surprise I had 7 large bags containing 420 bottles and cans. I then loaded up my Smart car with all seven bags. Every window in the car except for the windshield was partially blocked. I managed to fit everything into the car leaving just enough room for my oversized ass. I had to travel approximately ten miles to the redemption center, and I looked ridiculous. It’s hard to look inconspicuous when you’re driving what appears to be a giant garbage bag with headlights and a windshield. Apparently, the police officer who then stopped me thought it was hysterically funny as well. There were no citations issued but we both had a few laughs about the situation. I hadn’t broken any laws, had all of the required mirrors, and he sent me on my way by standing on the berm and laughing his ass off. Just so you know I cashed in the bottles and cans and then walked next door to the liquor store. I’ll be opening that bottle of gin later because this day has got to get better. Only limericks can raise my spirits and get my day back on track. Here’s two . . .
Being a long time Pittsburgher requires absolute loyalty to the Steelers and to the Pirates. I spent 12 years of my life totally and completely addicted to playing baseball. It wasn’t a casual thing; it was total and complete obsession. I was fortunate enough to see and meet many of the greatest baseball players to ever live who played for the Pittsburgh Pirates including Roberto Clemente, Bill Mazeroski, Rocky Nelson, Al McBean, Bill Verdon, Dick Stuart and the list goes on and on. The same year that I was born the Pirates claimed ownership to one of the greatest home run hitters in the game, Ralph Kiner. He was long gone from the Pittsburgh team as I began my early teens, but I followed his career for many years and even copied his batting style. Who doesn’t remember “Kiners Corner”, a shortened area of fence in left-center field at Forbes Field. I’m sorry I never had the opportunity to meet him or to see him play, but he was the ultimate role model for a young baseball crazy kid, and I loved him. Here’s a short bio on Kiner and his truly impressive career.
***
In 1949, Kiner topped his 1947 total with 54 home runs, falling just two short of Hack Wilson’s then-National League record. It was the highest total in the major leagues from 1939 to 1960, and the highest National League total from 1931 to 1997. It made Kiner the first National League player with two 50 plus home run seasons. Kiner also matched his peak of 127 RBI’s. From 1947 to 1951, Kiner topped 40 home runs and 100 RBIs each season. Through 2011 he was one of seven major leaguers to have had at least four 30-HR, 100-RBI seasons in their first five years. Kiner’s string of seasons leading the league in home runs reached seven in 1952, when he hit 37. This also was the last of a record six consecutive seasons in which he led Major League Baseball in home runs.
In 1961, Kiner entered the broadcast booth for the Chicago White Sox. The following year, Kiner, Lindsey Nelson, and Bob Murphy began broadcasting the games of the expansion New York Mets. Kiner also hosted a post-game show known as “Kiner’s Korner” on WOR-TV. Nationally, he helped call the Mets’ appearance in the 1969 and 1973 World Series for NBC Radio. He won a local Emmy Award for his broadcasting work.
Kiner was also known for his occasional malapropisms, usually connected with getting people’s names wrong, such as calling broadcasting partner Tim McCarver as “Tim MacArthur” and calling Gary Carter “Gary Cooper”. Despite a bout with Bell’s palsy, which left him with slightly slurred speech, Kiner continued broadcasting for 53 seasons.
***
Here are a few more for your amusement.
The Hall of Fame ceremonies are on 31st and 32nd of July.
We’ll be back after this word from Manufacturers Hangover. (the correct name was Manufacturers Hanover)
Today is Father’s Day, so to all you fathers out there, we’d like to say, Happy Birthday!
Tony Gwynn was named player of the year for April.
George Shinn is the owner of the Charlotte Harlots basketball team. (the actual name was the Charlotte Hornets)
And finally, I saved the best for last.
Ralph Korner (Kiner introducing himself on his post-game show, Kiner’s Korner”.
I have three statements to make to start this post: I love T-shirts, I’m a proud American, and I have little or no use for politicians. That being said I wore one of my favorite T-shirts while food shopping yesterday. I have at least eighty T-shirts with all sorts of designs concerning musical groups to chintzy advertising logos, and I love them all. Yesterday’s shirt stated plainly “I love my country, but I fear my government”. I often get comments from passersby about the messages on my shirts, but this one apparently caught the attention of a number of people. They weren’t upset with me for wearing it, they were patting me on the back for wearing it proudly. Our founding fathers were very open about the responsibility of the citizenry to keep an eye on the government. Unfortunately, in recent years that is no longer the case. These days everyone can complain until their blue-in-the-face but unless your part of the politically elite you’re wasting your breath. Maybe it’s time to review some of the history of this country and the revolution that spawned it.
On June 12, 1775, the British offered a pardon to all colonists who would lay down their arms. There would be only two exceptions to this amnesty: Samuel Adams and John Hancock, if captured they were to be immediately hanged.
“July 4th” could just as easily have been celebrated on July 2nd. It was on that date in 1776 that the Second Continental Congress voted our independence from England. John Adams, in fact, wrote: “The Second Day of July 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America.” He believed that it would be celebrated, by succeeding generations, as the great anniversary festival. “It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires and Illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this day forward forever more.”
On July 4, 1776, King George III wrote in his diary, “Nothing of importance happened today.” He had no way of knowing what had just occurred that day in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
And one signatory of the Declaration of Independence appended his address: Charles Carroll “of Carrollton,” Maryland. He wanted to be sure that the British, if they wanted to hang him, knew full well where to look for him.
It wasn’t until January 19, 1777, that the national Congress made public all of the names of the men who affixed their signatures to the Declaration of Independence. One reason for the delay may have been the knowledge that if the war effort failed, the signatories would have sealed their fate as traitors.
I’m willing to bet you couldn’t find five current politicians in this country that would even consider doing half of the things the Founders dealt with at that time. Their pride in this country during its formation in the 1700’s seems to be a long dead memory. I wonder what would happen if tomorrow the British decided to retake America and threatened to hang all of our politicians who refused to surrender. I fear the roads to Canada would be clogged with carloads of fleeing representatives from this great nation. What do you think? I also wonder how long it would take the Canadians to close their borders for their own protection.
everyuselessthing.com 