Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category
The cat and I are still in bed as I write this. My better-half is out in the snow storm on her way to work and I’m waiting by the telephone in case of any emergencies. The snow is relatively light but has been coming down steadily since last night and it’s anticipated to continue for the next twenty-four hours. The roads quite simply are a bitch.
To say I’m a little sick of the snow is a major understatement. I’ve decided that going out to clear the driveway will just have to wait until much later in the day. I’m thoroughly enjoying my coffee and cookies and I intend to stay warm and toasty for as long as possible.
Having this cold weather keeps the house temperatures in the med to low sixties. That temperature issue gave me fits earlier in the week when I decided to make a new experimental batch of home made wine. I’ve made Mead in years past which is basically nothing more than wine made from honey. In keeping with my goals for 2015 I wanted to make something new and different. After a lot of research I created a recipe that would make a Honey & Maple Syrup Mead. I had to make a few educated guesses with the ingredients but I pushed fearlessly forward.
The basic ingredients consist of distilled water, Orange Blossom honey, Clover honey, and an all natural maple syrup made with the sap from local trees. My difficulty was going to be able to keep the primary fermenter warm enough to properly activate the yeast. Our house is usually sixty three degrees but I need temps between 68-74 for the best results.
I was forced to use a small heater that I purchased many years ago that was once a tropical fish tank heater. It’ been sitting in a box in the garage for a couple of decades. It’s a long glass tube that you insert into the fermenter and it’s thermostat maintains the level of heat you select. After all these years the little devil worked perfectly. I then added just a pinch of roasted fennel seeds and rosemary for a faint hint of licorice and pine which I hope will give the wine a little character.
Once the wine was siphoned from the fermenter into the glass jugs I moved them all upstairs to store them in the warmest area of the house. The heat must be sufficiently high because they’re bubbling away as they should be. In a few months I’ll have something new and interesting to sample and it’ll either be 25 bottles of tasty wine or something God awful. We’ll just have to wait and see. Making wine teaches a person patience if nothing else.
I’d like to keep writing but I’m wanting more coffee to help me find the motivation I need to get out of this warm bed and to go play in the snow.
It’s Thursday morning and I’ve just arrived home from the hospital. My hopes for a clean report on my colonoscopy are again disappointing. After a thorough scoping by a very competent doctor he found one stinking polyp. It was too large to burn off so he snipped a chunk from it for further testing. He assured me that 90% of all these polyps are normally benign. So for now I’ll be forced to go with that all the while keeping my fingers crossed.
‘Yuck + Yuck + Yuck = My Night’
You should know that the 36 hours before the colonoscopy were absolute hell. I’ve been through a number of colonoscopy cleansings and as this one began I was happy at just how easy it seemed to be going. The laxative pills were small and harmless looking, the Gatorade didn’t taste too bad, and the laxative powder that went into the Gatorade looked innocent enough. Will I never learn.
I began by taking two pills and then drinking four classes of the laxative laced Gatorade every 30 minutes. I took a break and drink just plain water for an hour and then drank another glass full every half-hour until it was all gone. At 10 pm I was to take two more pills, drink a few more glasses of water and wait. Let me tell you a little secret, I didn’t have to wait very long.
Just after I went to bed all hell broke loose in my body. It was back and forth to the bathroom with each trip becoming more urgent than the last. I won’t try to describe the nastiness that occurred between two and three in the morning. All I’ll say is that at 2 am I was forced into taking an emergency shower, then forced to mop the bathroom floor, and later to strip my bed and do an emergency load of laundry. It was ugly, nasty, humiliating, and unforgettable.
With the results from todays explorations I’m to remain in the five year rotation for future colonoscopies. It seems those folks in my gene pool passed along some of their more depressing traits to yours truly. The story of my effing life.
‘’
’Looking Out the Front Window Today’
I’ve just had my first solid food in the last forty-eight hours and it was fantastic. I’ve been ordered to take it easy for the rest of the day and to get some well needed nap time. There’s really nothing much more to blog about today except for the damn snow storm raging outside my window. I’ll hibernate for the remainder of the week and hopefully get things back to normal by the weekend.
I’m sure glad this is over with.
Here is our driveway as of this morning. Another foot of snow yesterday is starting to become a bit much, even for Maine. Unfortunately another storm is scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday but no guesses are being announced as to what the total accumulation will be.
I can once again say “adios” to my current mailbox. Those wonderful snowplower’s have struck once again costing me my third mailboxes in three years. Those bastards!
My better-half and I made a two hour safari out into the snow just after the last storm passed by. The following pictures bring the winter season here in Maine in focus.
‘This is a robust and productive apple orchard in Summer but it looks a bit forlorn now.’
One of the sports here in Maine that has always fascinated me is ice fishing. The lakes in Maine produce a myriad of ice fishing neighborhoods that survive until the Spring thaw. Little shacks spring up giving all those adventurous fisherman and women a place to escape their families, bond with friends over a beer or two, and repeat those fishing stories to each other that one believes anyway. I’ve visited many of them over the years but I can’t honestly remember ever seeing someone catch a fish. I’m sure they do or at least I hope they do. These were taken on the lake closest to our home.
‘It’s just a little too cold for me.’
We took a drive along the coast on our way home and stopped at Old Orchard Beach, Maine. It’s our favorite haunts in the Summer when it’s packed with tourists and the amusement park is in full swing. It’s a little different now.
‘The party pier in winter.’
‘No bikini babes around here today.’
We’ll be forced to wait a few more months before we can start enjoying this area once again.
My posting for this Thursday will have to wait until I return home from my colonoscopy. I’ll catch a nap for a few hours and then post my hopefully good results from that experience. I’ve decided that getting a colonoscopy at this time of the year is perfect timing. If you’re going to be house bound because of the crappy weather you might as well let the doctors have their fun too.
I’m almost fully recovered from he damn flu . . . . finally. My ability to taste food has returned and my temperature has fallen back into the normal range. I’m feeling good and looking forward to the continuing insanity that will be the remainder of my winter.
I always plan for slow times in January and February but this year isn’t cooperating. I started out with the flu in January, next a colonoscopy, then a car inspection, an annual doctors visit, a dentist appointment, and finally an eye exam. After all of those pain-in-the-ass chores it will be the end of March and winter will be almost over. Along with that list is the ongoing bathroom remodel which has been in limbo because of the flu.
The weather remains snowy and snowy and even more snowy. We already have more than three feet of snow and are expecting another foot or two within the week. If you are a skiing, skating, snowmobiling or snowboarding snow bunny then Maine is where you need to be.
My house has two feet of snow on the roof and ice hanging everywhere else. There must be ten ton of ice and snow that at some point will come crashing down behind the house. God help any living thing that happens to be roaming around when that happens. There could be deaths reported.
I hope these steps survive the ice drop in one piece this year. In years past I’ve been required to replace rails and steps after they’ve been crushed by the falling ice.
I love waking up to the winter view from the window in my bedroom but this is what I saw yesterday as I opened the curtains. More freaking ice. I suppose it could be worse and I’m almost positive it will be. My better-half and I are heading out into the snow and ice with cameras in hand to see what we can see. I’ll post any interesting pictures as soon as I can.
It’ time to gear up and get moving.
This week begins the warm-up for one of my least favorite experiences I’ve been cursed with over the years. It’s a special gift passed on to me through the genes of my late parents and one I wish I could have refused. The secret word for today is COLONOSCOPY. I begin my preparations tomorrow for my seventh anal adventure and hopefully my last. Over the next few postings I’ll document as best I can within the limits of good taste the wonders of medical science I’m about to experience. Lucky you!
My introduction to colonoscopies began many, many, years ago in a galaxy far, far, away. After an annual checkup I was referred to a specialist for further exams and a possible bout with rectal and anal surgery for hemorrhoids and polyps. Trust me, it wasn’t as great as I’m making it sound. My very first meeting with the specialist lasted only ten minutes. I was given an armload of laxatives and and a large bottle of Citrate of Magnesia. I was handed a sheet of instructions on how to go about emptying my body of just about everything and a future date for my return visit was also confirmed. All of a sudden I found myself back on the street with a real desire to find out exactly what the hell a colonoscopy actually was. I needed to do some research quickly.
Two weeks later I seemed twenty pounds lighter after spending 48 hours within running distance of the nearest bathroom. It was a humbling experience as I did everything possible to expel my entire insides down the drain. I arrived at the doctor’s office and checked in at the desk trying not to make eye contact with anyone. It was a lot like going to a fertilization specialist to ejaculate into a plastic cup or buying tampons at Rite-Aid for my better-half. Totally embarrassing.
I was led into an examination room wearing one of those backless paper gowns with my butt sticking out. I was laid face down on the table which was then elevated high enough to put my head near the floor and my ass in the air. If that wasn’t humiliating enough there was a knock on the door and in marched ten student nurses who were permitted one at a time to take a peek at my butt, inside and out. They oooed and awwed as they passed by, took a few notes and marched from the room. Here’s a reminder for you. Never schedule a rectal exam at a teaching hospital. You’ve been warned.
Another twenty minutes passed by and my adventure began in earnest when a probe on the end of a cable with a flashlight, torch, and camera were slowly inserted further and further into my backside. They lightly drugged me and I was able to look up my own ass on a nearby television screen. It looked like a gigantic pink Holland Tunnel without the cars. I then fell asleep and awoke twenty minutes later feeling rather odd. My wife picked me up after I recovered a bit and took me home where I was able to get a few hours of drug induced sleep. It wasn’t much fun but unfortunately for me it was necessary. My surgery was successful and I received my second colonoscopy just two months later. The doctor apparently wanted to go back in to check his work. I just love thorough doctors.
Fifteen years later my family doctor gave me more bad news during my annual visit. Because of two colon surgeries on my late mother for cancerous polyps he felt I needed to be checked again. Colonoscopy number three came and went and I breathed another sign of relief. I was good to go for a while I thought.
Within a few years my mother had another cancerous piece of her colon removed and that triggered regularly scheduled colonoscopies for me for the foreseeable future. It’s now 2015 and I’m ready for number seven. The technology has improved dramatically over the years and the drugs are much better. Getting colonoscopies stopped bothering me years ago because the alternative is too ugly to think about. Over the years I’ve had upwards of ten to twelve very small polyps burned from my colon and fortunately none were cancerous. I plan on living a long and full life and these god awful procedures make that possible. No matter what anyone tells you, fear is an excellent motivator.
More to follow.
There nothing more to talk about after the snow storm we just suffered through. It ended late last night after 36 hours of blizzard conditions. Fortunately all of us crazy Mainers aren’t effected all that much by heavy snow. The weather experts were predicting 14-18 inches but what the hell do they know. I pulled out my trusty snowblower yesterday afternoon just to try and keep up with the storm. No such luck. It was white-out conditions for most of the day and night making snowblowing almost impossible. Even though I’m getting my ass kicked by this flu I have, I persevered. My measurement at that time was 20 inches across the driveway. Early this morning I once again measured and added another 14 inches to the total.
As I’ve said previously a couple of feet of snow is no big deal here. My better-half just left for work, the roads were already clear, and all is right with the world. I’ll throw a few more pictures out there for you folks who missed out on all the fun.
‘My New Best Friend’
‘Freezing My You-Know-What Off’
Unfortunately the word is out of two more storms headed this way next week with another foot or two of snow expected. Here’s a big Bronx Cheer for all those global warming idiots. They should come up here and help me shovel.
“This is a courtesy warning for those of you with weak stomachs. What you are about to read was written while under the influence of twenty different cold and flu medications. Proceed at your own risk.”
As my better-half and I lay here in bed this morning coughing and sniffling, I had a major epiphany. Basically the human body is a complex, disgusting, and disturbing mess. Let’s run down the list of my favorites things. We have farts, body odor, bad breath, smelly feet, and a host other smells that are best forgotten. We are easy infected with every virus imaginable and the medical research community is hard at work (so they say) to come up with answers and remedies for them. That doesn’t include the common cold of course. Nothing or no one seems to be able to find that super drug that will conquer that sneaky little disease.
Let’s not forget the biggest two items we first learned about as children, #1 and #2. Let’s call them what they are, urine and poop. I’m not sure what genius started the #1 and #2 nonsense but I’d bet it was some goody-two shoes afraid to say those two disgusting words. While he was standing around being disgusted he made a critical error. He forgot the all important #3, Phlegm aka mucus aka sputum. While urine and poop are smelly and disgusting phlegm rules. It comes in multiple colors and multiple textures and it never stops being produced. At least with urine and poop, you go once and your good for a while. With phlegm there’s no end. I could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all of the phlegm my body has produced in my lifetime. In just the last twelve hours my better-half and I have produced at least twenty gallons each without even trying.
I actually prefer the term sputum rather than phlegm or mucus. It sounds much more sophisticated and medical. If someone says the word phlegm to me it immediately brings to mind a pearly little lugie. Lugies are even more disgusting because you can be targeted accidentally or purposely by one of those mean spirited and accurate lugie spitters. If someone says "I have a build up of sputum in my throat." It sounds a little less disgusting and more official.
So, what have we learned so far. First there should a #3 added to the lexicon to identify Sputum or phlegm or mucus. I’m really just trying to class things up a little for a change but no one wants to cooperate.
I see in our future a new national observance for Sputum Day. This substance has become as big a part of our miserable lives as #1 and #2 and in January and February may even surpass them. It deserves to be recognized and celebrated with parades and parties not just in the US but across the world. We already have Earth Day and I think it’s time for Sputum Day. The drink of the day can be green beer (stolen from St. Paddy’s Day) and laced with mayonnaise. A thick and repugnant drink that can really bring back memories of colds and flu from your childhood. There’s nothing better than a disgusting trip down Memory Lane.
Enough! This post is actually beginning to turn my stomach too. I’ll clean up my act when and only when I start to feel a little better. Meanwhile I’ll just keep producing all this phlegm and sucking down all these miracle cold and flu remedies that don’t really work. All they do is create more Sputum.
Don’t even get me started on Smegma.
It appears I may have contracted one of a number of viruses, cold, or a flu of some sort. Winter is tough enough when your confined to your home but being ill at the same time is murder. My energy level is such that I’m postponing all of my current projects for a while.
The bathroom remodel is on hold after making a surprisingly good start. All of the supplies have been delivered from Lowe’s and are piling up in my man-cave. That’ll start driving me crazy in short order. I’ve resigned myself to more sedentary tasks such as writing and sketching and a hour or so everyday of Halo where I can kill a few aliens without tiring myself out. There’s nothing so satisfying as ridding a planet of bad guys without getting out of your favorite chair.
I just finished having my breakfast which was an experiment in eating. One of our Christmas gifts this year was a NutriBullet used to make any number of smoothies to help us drink our way to good health. I always thought that was what bourbon was for but things change I guess. I eat more than my share of veggies and herbs and I really prefer eating them on a plate and not in a smoothie. For me smoothies sole purpose is to give me a proper substitute for creamy, sweet, and satisfying milkshakes. With that thought in mind I decided to try something different.
Normally I’m fairly regimented in my eating habits. I love cereal and try to have it three times a week. My other option is bacon and eggs and I’ve tried to cut back on that in recent years to just once every two weeks. This morning I filled the NutriBullet with two cups of almond milk (which I’ve come to love), a cup and a half of cereal containing freeze dried strawberries, oat chunks, and bran. I dropped in a half cup of blueberries and gave it two minutes in the NutriBullet. I was as shocked as anyone when I tasted it. It was fantastic and I’ll be having it again real soon. It may not be the oft praised health food that the fanatics require but it works for me.
The cat and I are spending some quality time together this morning after a couple of weeks of disputes. He’s been banned from our bedroom at night because of his insistence on waking us up at odd hours for no apparent reason. I locked him out of the bedroom a week ago and he been more than a little pissy ever since. He doesn’t like change in his life anymore than the rest of us but he has no choice but to adjust.
I plan on taking it easy for a few more days until after the Super Bowl and then try and get back to work. I’ve just downloaded four more novels for my Kindle and that should keep me occupied until then.
Life goes on whether we like it or not.
‘This doesn’t fall in January but I like it anyway.”
We all love observances or so it seems. I’ve never seen or understood why they’re so necessary. It seems that if more than three people get together and agree on something it immediately becomes necessary to make the entire country aware of it. So they submit a request to one of our overpaid and more times than not incompetent politicians requesting a day be set forth for a celebration of their oh so important subject.
Politicians who are consumed with getting reelected will prostitute themselves in any way for recognition, no matter how stupid or inane the request might be. Since January and February are such slow months they seem to have plenty of time on their hands for these Monthly, Weekly, and Daily observances. A small portion seem reasonable but the vast majority are just so much fluff and utter nonsense. This post will be my PSA (Public Service Announcement) for the first quarter of this year. The following list contains only a portion of the large number of daily observances for January. Some are funny, most are stupid, and some I have no idea what they mean or what they’re meant to accomplish.
- Asarah B’Tevet Day: 1 A SHOULDER SHRUG AND PUZZLED LOOK HERE.
- Euro Day: 1 WHO REALLY CARES?
- First Foot Day: 1
- New Year’s Dishonor List Day: 1
- Z Day: 1 WHO KNOWS WHAT THIS IS FOR?
- Happy Mew Year for Cats Day: 2 SO FREAKING LAME.
- Drinking Straw Day: 3
- Fruitcake Toss Day: 3 THIS MIGHT BE REFERRING TO THE POLITICIANS.
- *Memento Mori "Remember You Die" Day: 3
- Dimpled Chad Day: 4 ANOTHER DEMOCRAT FROM FLORIDA I’LL BET.
- Tom Thumb Day: 4
- Bird Day: 5 I’VE GOT A BIRD FOR THEM RIGHT HERE.
- "Thank God It’s Monday" Day: 5
- I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day: 7
- National Tempura Day: 7
The list continues but I promise you they don’t get any better. The further along we go the worse it seems to get.
- Argyle Day: 8
- Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National English Toffee Day: 8
- National Bubble Bath Day: 8
- National Joy Germ Day: 8
- Balloon Ascension Day: 9
- National Cassoulet Day: 9 I HAVE NO CLUE ON THIS ONE.
- National Static Electricity Day: 9
- Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day: 11 THIS IS SOOO CRUCIAL.
- No Pants Subway Ride Day: 11 THIS SHOULD BE A NEW YORK HOLIDAY.
- Kiss A Ginger (Red Heads) Day: 12 THOUGHT UP BY A PISSED OFF RED HEAD.
- Rubber Duckie Day: 13
- Caesarean Section Day: 14 WHO WANTS TO CELEBRATE THIS?
- Dress Up Your Pet Day: 14 TO STUPID TO BE BELIEVED.
‘Is there a ribbon for Stupid?”
I just wonder how much time is wasted by our overpaid politicians to process these stupid requests and present them for an official vote. What special interest groups could some of these possibly represent?
- Appreciate A Dragon Day: 16
- Fig Newton Day: 16
- International Fetish Day: 16 A FAVORITE OF MOST POLITICIANS.
- Nothing Day: 16 AMEN TO THIS.
- Tu B’shuvt: 16 HAVEN’T A CLUE.
- Cable Car Day: 17
- Tin Can Day: 19
- Penguin Awareness Day: 20
- National Disc Jockey Day: 20
- Squirrel Appreciation Day: 21 THIS IS NUTS.
I know, I know, it’s also hard for me to believe that this partial list continues on. Just be glad I didn’t list everything else that I found for January or you’d be reading for another twenty minutes.
- Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day: 22 IF YOUR CAT ANSWERS GIVE ME A CALL.
I find it really interesting and ironic that the following two observances fall on the same day.
- Celebration of Life Day: 22
- Roe vs. Wade Day: 22
Back to the last few entries for this embarrassing display of political patronage and political correctness.
- Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day: 23 I CELEBRATE THIS DAY AFTER EVERY SNOW STORM.
- Beer Can Day: 24 MY BETTER-HALF IS THE POSTER GIRL ON THIS ONE.
- Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day: 24
- Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 26
- National Kazoo Day: 28 HERE’S ONE MORE THING TO HUM ON.
- Inane Answering Message Day: 30
- Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day: 31
That’s it for today. You now know way more about January observances than you’ve ever wanted. I deeply apologize but I feel these days must be recognized and celebrated because our politicians say so. NOT!!!
After having a couple of weeks of beautiful sunny and moderately warm weather, the fun is apparently over. These last few days have brought winter back to us with a freaking vengeance. It started two days ago with just four or five inches of snow which living in Maine isn’t all that much. Then came the freezing rain which put down a sheet of ice on top of the snow. Then it decided to just rain for a while to make things even worse.
I was so thrilled to be able to pay some much needed attention to my poor lonely snowblower. Everything was fine until the cold air arrived from somewhere near the arctic circle. For the last twenty-four hours the temperature continued to drop with wind chills ending up well below zero. They say, those dumb ass weather people, that it will continue for another day and will warm up just in time for the first of two snowstorms working their way towards us. Hooray for me! Couple that with my soon to be experienced colonoscopy and 2015 is already not my most favorite year. I could say it’s becoming a real pain in the ass but that pun’s even too corny for the likes of me.
Since all of the snow, sleet and rain have eliminated any possibility of my starting a forest fire I made the decision to clean out my workshop and to have a cute little bonfire to get rid of the wood scraps. I figured even this stupid town we live in wouldn’t attempt to arrest me for failing to obtain a burning permit. That’s just another one of those small fine-print freedoms we’ve lost somewhere along the way. The job was done and the fire was very satisfying for some unknown reason, maybe because I got one over on the town government. Now I can start my bathroom remodel and have enough room left in the workshop to actually do it.
‘’Early Spring Cleaning’
‘Burn Baby Burn’
As I mentioned a week ago my better-half and I decided that we’d make further use of the former Christmas tree throughout this entire new year. We put Christmas to bed this week and packed away all of the decorations for another year. We’ve been slowly collecting appropriate decorations for the next celebration which is the Super Bowl. Unfortunately the Steelers (our favorite team) have been eliminated from the playoffs this year but they’ll be properly honored on our Super Bowl tree. After that’s over we can then plan our decoration of the Valentine’s Day tree.
I’ll be supplying photos of these trees as they happen and yes I know it sounds a little crazy. I’ve always been a big fan of crazy especially outside-the-box crazy. It’s time to turn this year around after a suspiciously sucky start.
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