Let’s start this week off with a few more tidbits of useless information to brighten your day. These items were collected from hither and yon and are interesting and yes even stupid.
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The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
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The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
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The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
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Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
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The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
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On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
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No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
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There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
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Typing the word typewriter uses only letters from the top row of your keyboard.
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A 10 foot tall emu was spotted walking the streets of New York in 1973, it had accidently escaped from a circus that specialized in large exotic birds. When police questioned the circus owners they responded saying "George was constipated, so we thought a run around the grounds may help him feel better" Police fined the circus 25 dollars, and 5 months later a bi-law was passed stating that all emus within New York City must be on a leash.
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65% of statistics are made up.
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More people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes.
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A duck’s quack does echo, despite rumors to the contrary.
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Camels milk doesn’t curdle.
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Murphy’s oil soap is a chemical commonly used to wash elephants.
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Porcupines float in water.
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"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
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The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
I’s good to remember these factoids. Case in point, if you’re ever required to wash a freaking elephant you’ll know exactly the kind of soap to buy. Also, if you’re ever in NYC with your emu, you’ll know the law and buy a big assed leash. Who else but me would take time out of my busy day to let you known these things. Again, you’re welcome.
Earlier this week I spent some time ridiculing attorneys and criminal witnesses as to their unbelievable stupidity. I wouldn’t want anyone to think for a minute that my posting was meant to be malicious, just funny and ridiculous. I thought today I would include in my musings the behavior of really stupid criminals who make their attorney’s look like geniuses.
You have to admit that people who choose a life of crime aren’t too bright to start with. The following stories are actual tales about actual stupid criminals arrested within the last few years. You just can’t make this stuff up. Many years ago in my rookie year as a police officer my partner told me some valuable words of police wisdom. Since he was my training officer and had almost twenty-five experience on the job I listened intently. His philosophy about police work was this, "If it wasn’t for the stupid fucking criminals we’d never catch anyone." Here’s a few of them that were caught.
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A stupid thief pled guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to help him hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.
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During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two really stupid burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that allowed police to downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.
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A woman reported her car stolen and mentioned there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the telephone and told the moron that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and was interested in buying the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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A dumb ass criminal on trial for drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, said he’d been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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A 21 year old idiot, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. He gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later he was arrested because information on the screen showed a two-year-old armed robbery warrant from St. Louis, Missouri. A huge dumb ass.
What did I tell you? I guess my old training officer was right on the money with his advice. Some things are just wisdom for the ages.
As much as I dislike writing about politicians and politics, I do love reading information from noteworthy individuals who were either famous or infamous. When I see good quotations I squirrel them away for later use on this blog. With a beautiful weekend looming I’ve decided to keep things light and to pass a few of them along for your amusement. In these quotations attempts have been made to explain exactly what a politician is all about. My answer for that question is much harsher than theirs and quite possibly harsher than yours. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did because they seem to have the right idea explained in a more pleasing fashion.
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“Successful . . . politicians are insecure and intimidated men. They advance politically only as they placate, appease, bribe, seduce, bamboozle or otherwise manage to manipulate the demanding and threatening elements in their constituencies.”
Walter Lippman, The Public Philosophy, 1955
“A politician is . . . trained in the art of inexactitude. His words tend to be blunt or rounded, because if they have a cutting edge they may later return to wound him.”
Edward R. Morrow, Address, London Guildhall, 10/19/59
“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the new generation.”
James Freeman Clark, Sermon, 1888
“The “press conference” is a politician’s way of being informative without saying anything. Should he accidentally say something, he has at his side a “press officer” who immediately explains it away by “clarifying” it.”
Emery Kelen, Platypus at Large, 1960
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Does any of this remind you of anyone currently holding office. I’ll just bet it does. As much as each generation thinks that everything it does or says is groundbreaking and earth shattering, they’re wrong. It’s all been done many times before but called something else by the more imaginative politicians and their speechwriters.
KNOW YOUR PAST
For most of my working life I’ve had the misfortune to work with hundreds of attorneys. Some great, some good, some average, some incompetent, and some just plain stupid. As the overall number of attorney’s increases the likelihood of hiring an incompetent or dumb attorney increases as well. My job working in state government for seven years placed me in an uncomfortable position directly between the accused defendants and a small army of public defenders. Talk about a rock and a hard place! A thankless job to be sure but OMG did I get an education. I think I actually learned more from the criminals than from their representatives.
I also was exposed to hundreds of witnesses whose sole purpose was either to help free an accused or to put him/her away for as long as possible. The only common denominator I found throughout the judicial and correctional systems was a massive amount of DUMB. These following quotes are actual statements between attorneys and people called to the witness stand in a plethora of criminal matters. Enjoy them and be glad they aren’t representing you.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Attorney: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15.
Attorney:. What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Attorney: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a disposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Believe me when I tell you that these are just the tip of the “stupid” iceberg when it comes to the criminal justice system. It’s no joke when someone tells you that the term “Criminal Justice System” is the ultimate oxymoron. It is scary stupid every minute of every day especially when you spend two days a week inside a jail. I spent during my time with the State Judicial Branch close to seven hundred days inside jails interviewing prisoners and watching the system at work. Every time I walked from a jail at the end of the day I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked God I was not incarcerated and needed no help from an attorney. DUMB AND DUMBER!
The rain in Maine is mostly a huge pain. This weather is continuing to wear on my nerves. Rain, rain, and more effing rain. I kind of feel like I’m living in India during the monsoon season. That lovely musty smell has now become the norm and I’m certainly not enjoying that at all. It would be nice to have three or four days of warm, non-humid weather that would allow the house and garage to dry out just a little. Unfortunately wishing doesn’t make it so.
Earlier this year I picked up a copy of Poor Richards Almanac for 2013 and I’m beginning to become a real believer. The almanac has been right on the money on the weather patterns for the last few months for this area. If their predictions continue to be as accurate this will be one of the wettest summers on record for Maine. Without a doubt it will be great for the garden but OMG. I already need a machete to walk through the garden and the amount of veggies is going to be huge.
I see many days of picking, cleaning, and canning of veggies like never before. We’re anticipating quantities of zucchini, cucumbers, and squashes that will be incredible. Thankfully we’re well prepared and have more than enough supplies to handle things. This year we may be canning a good quantity of mixed veggies with jalapeños to heat them up a little. Probably as many as sixty pints of hot Bread & Butter pickles and possibly some hot relish as well. It’s amazing just how much production we get from such a medium sized garden.
I grew two items this year that I ‘m experimenting with, mustard and curry. The mustard started off rather slowly but with all this rain the plants are almost three feet high now with brilliant yellow flowers. The leaves have the greatest taste and are making our salads much more flavorful. I should also be able to harvest enough seeds to make my first attempt at creating my own mustard. If that’s successful then I’ll plant at least three times as many plants next year. The curry was an aromatic plant which when dried will make one helluva good addition to our collection of cooking herbs.
My better-half has already started making her jams for the year. She just completed two batches of blueberry which is always the best. One of the batches was made with a new gadget we received as a gift. It’s sold by the Ball Company and made specifically for making jellies and jams. It the coolest thing ever. You put your crushed fruit into the cooking container, set the time, and it cooks the fruit until perfect. It then beeps four times to tell you when to add the sugar. It cooks a little longer, beeps once and then turns itself off. You then spoon it into jars and can as normal. Less mess and no possibility of cooking errors which have been an issue in the past. I can’t wait to try it with a few of my new experimental flavors once I get the recipes completed.
I’m still hoping for some dryer weather so some of the other crops can thrive as well but what can you do. Mother Nature cruises along at her own speed with absolutely no regard for us pitiful human beings.
I receive a few emails each week and unfortunately some of them are more than a little rude. The people who send those messages apparently don’t wish to have their user ID’s published in my Comments section. Every once in a great while I receive something that makes me smile and when that occurs I pass it along to you.
Recently I was sent the following information from an anonymous emailer. He claimed he likes reading my postings that contain quotations. He collected a few of his own from friends and other unknown sources and sent them along. In my opinion they seem more like bumper stickers than quotations but I’m forwarding them along on the side chance you’ll get a chuckle or two. I’m also really glad I don’t know any of this guys friends because some of these are sooooo freaking lame. Hold your nose with one hand and read on.
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A day without sunshine is like, night.
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I just got lost in thought and believe me It was unfamiliar territory.
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Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
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99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
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Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
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Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
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Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
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Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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Born free, taxed to death.
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Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.
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In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think about it, neither does milk.
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In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
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Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
The only one I really liked and appreciated was the last one on the list. For some reason that one just clicked for me. At first I laughed and then after thinking about it for a moment or two realized just how true it is and laughed again. Sometime it’s necessary to break up the day with a little silliness and that one did it for me.
So here’s a special thanks to Mr. Anonymous for his contribution. Next time send me some actual quotations because I love reading them too.
Welcome back to the E.U.T. University the best known reservoir of totally useless knowledge. You’ll learn through our detailed courses of study many of the things that have puzzled mankind for centuries. We’ll continue our course of study today with two more lesson plans for your archives.
Todays lessons concern two things which are generally known but the true facts aren’t readily available. Thanks to EUTU you are about to be made a little smarter than you were prior to this visit.
Lesson #3 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?
Once a human embryo has been conceived, no matter what its ultimate gender, it follows a female template, adopting all female characteristics, including nipples. After a number of weeks in this state, a certain gene in the mail embryo stimulates the production of the male hormone testosterone, which prompts the embryo to develop masculine qualities. While the nipples remain present they will not function the way that they would have had the embryo been supplied with female hormones.
Not only do male babies have nipples, but they also are born with breast tissue and milk ducts and glands. These are normally in operative, but, if men experience increased levels of the female hormone estrogen and a lack of testosterone, they can develop breasts like those of women and, in extreme cases, even perform lactation. Because men have breast tissue, they are at risk from breast cancer, albeit to a far lesser extent than women are.
It has been asked why evolution has not done away with these superfluous male nipples. The common response is that, because diseases affecting the nipples are rare in men, there is no genetic imperative to do away with the nipple and so they remain.
So watch out guys. Stay away from those scary female hormones. You’ve always known how crazy they make women and it’s probably even worse for us men. Not only can you grow boobs and lactate, you can also be stricken with breast cancer. Count your blessings and stay away from that estrogen.
Lesson #4 – What is the Purpose of Pubic Hair?
The purpose of pubic hair is something that has been argued about for years. Even today, scientists are still unsure of its function.
One view is that pubic hair protects against friction during sexual intercourse, and provides cushioning for the pelvis in that area. Another view is that it provided insulation or our ancestors, although this is not widely held because of the lack of significant hair over the rest of our bodies. However, there is some support for the idea that the hair helps to regulate body temperature in the genital area which is particularly important for the production of sperm in men.
Pubic hair is curly because for some reason our sex hormones turn the hair follicles in that area into an oval shape, which in turn makes the hair an oval shape, causing it to bend. Straight hair grows from round follicles and is less prone to curliness.
That concludes today’s lessons and I hope you’ve found out a few new facts that have eluded you until now. As before, break into study groups to further discuss and better understand the information you’ve been given. There will be tests in your future.
CLASS DISMISSED
I love letters from kids regardless of the situation. They have an honesty that’s refreshing to say the least. As I recently cruised the web I discovered a web site that posted sample letters for adults to send to their kids at camp. I would hope that most parents just might be offended by the assumption that they’re too stupid to write a proper letter to their child. I ‘m also certain that if the kids received these cookie-cutter letters they would know just exactly what they were. They’re way more aware of things these days than we were.
No matter what parents say, they actually do miss their children when they’re attending summer camp. I would think that writing that first letter to your child after they’ve been away from home for a period of time would be tough. Not the letter itself but all the worrying you’ll do when your child has been out of touch for a few days or weeks. I certainly wouldn’t need assistance from some web site to communicate with my kid. Here are a few of the samples provided to assist any lazy parents in writing a freaking letter. They’ve even broken it down by age and sex of the child but for my purposes these two should be sufficient to make my point.
For a 10 Year Old Boy
Dear Xavier,
I miss you! I have been thinking about you a lot and all of the fun camp activities you’re involved in. Have you tried any new sports? When I went to summer camp, my favorite sport was "Monkey Soccer". Ask me about it when you get home.
I hope the food is okay. What is the favorite thing you’ve eaten so far? Have you done any funny camp skits? Or seen any funny camp pranks?
I hope you are having lots of fun. If you are having a hard day, please hang in there. Scruffy misses you too. I know he will want you to play fetch when you get home. We had some rain yesterday and he enjoyed getting muddy.
I love you bunches! See you in a few days!
Love,
Mom
For a 10 Year Old Girl
Dear Michelle,
How is camp? Have you made any neat crafts? Did you like horseback riding? I hope you are enjoying the activities!
I miss you lots! Be sure to take several photos so I can see what you did at camp. We can make a scrapbook together after you get home.
Have you played any fun games? I remember when I went to camp, my favorite was "Capture the Flag." I liked playing it with water balloons the best.
Fluffy missed you too. She slept on your bed last night, I think she will be happy when you come home.
I love you to the moon and back! See you next week!
Love,
Mom
I could show you many more examples but they just seem kind of lame to me. I remember attending camp as a kid and I wasn’t all that interested in receiving or sending letters anyway. I was having a great time and couldn’t be bothered. I assume that’s the case with most kids.
Just to give you a giggle or two here are some quotes from actual camp letters from kids to their parents. There are plenty available for viewing on the web and easy to find if your interested. Many books have also been written and are available from many Web book sellers. They are just too damned cute. Spelling and grammatical errors are included for your amusement.
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“Hey Mom! I’m having so much fun!! …I miss u! But this is so much better than u yelling at me, Joey and dad! (no offense)..love, Googie.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, Our cabin is so dirty and unclean that this bacterial disease called Empitiga so far 4 people in our cabin have it under their armpits. I have it all over my face…”
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“A ginormous tree hit our cabin and knoked it down! When I was in it! No one got hurt, though. It was so scary! When the roof fell off our cabin everyone got soaked!… Love, Juliet. P.s. please do not be alarmed.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, I love everything about this camp except the campers. Love, Sarina”
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“…they made me clean the table. I want to go home!…I stopped crying…But we have chores today. I am the Scraper, Sweeper and Maid.”
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“Dear Mom and Dad, This is not a camp from my dreams, it’s the 100th level of hell. I hate this stupid camp. I am getting out of here. Write me. I NEED MORE STAMPS. Save me!!! I am out of stamps.”
Camp is just another phase we’re forced to endure on our way to adulthood. I must say that the camping trips I took during my dating years were way better than summer camp. By then I was a little smarter about girls which made my continuing education much more interesting.
How good is your memory? Are you one of those folks who has disciplined themselves to remember only the good things that happen and forget all of the bad? If you are then we’ll probably never be able to communicate with each other in a meaningful way. We just don’t speak the same language. I’m none of those things. I’m your basic human being who takes great offense to anyone who treats me badly, lies to me, or attempts to mislead me. When it’s our politicians I respond in kind at the ballot box. That old adage of "turn the other cheek" is just pure and utter nonsense.
If I sound bitter or disgusted that’s because I am. Wishy-washy people will be the downfall of us all as reflected in the way our current government approaches and deals with problems. It’s hard to respect anyone who is preyed upon time and time again but remains passive and weak. That’s something for all of us to remember in the coming months as these problems slowly evolve to the point where they can no longer be ignored. Remember you read it here first.
Maybe I should just run for public office. I could force myself to become as washy-washy as our current crop of representatives. Maybe I could fight for the legalization of all drugs and put on a real push to bring back prostitution in a big way. I’d reintroduce the old trading stamps programs where if you pay for a little recreational sex you get some free dish-ware on you way out the door. Maybe I could push through with the help of my fellow politicians a law to require a ten percent discount on gas if your a steady participant in any government subsidy program. How about a free happy meal for any illegal alien who remains in the country but has a job and commits no crimes for more than thirty minutes.
I might think that free diapers, prenatal, and post natal treatments for those unwed mothers we hear so much about should be mandatory. I don’t want to be unfair so anyone who loses their job and refuses to find another gets free healthcare, government subsides for housing, food, and milk. Oh right, never mind, I forgot that’s already happening.
This is the land of milk and honey as I’ve heard from thousands of people I’ve interviewed during my career with state government. For all of you young adults who’ve mortgaged your lives with student loans, I hope your prepared to pay the bill for all those less fortunate than yourselves. When your struggling to educate your own children to the tune of thousands of student loan dollars and those children of these poor, badly treated, illegal immigrants are getting a free ride, say nothing. Turn the other cheek and watch your hard earned tax money be redistributed to help finance the poor, illegal, and misunderstood leaches on our society.
You’ll just feel so much better about yourself, right?
On a regular basis I use quotations to help me explain my opinions on things in a way easy to understand and most times humorous. These quotations can be from famous celebrities, educated teachers, and even the occasional politician who might have something interesting to say. The majority of the persons quoted are deceased which must make them much smarter than when alive. I can’t explain that but it seems to be true.
Comics like Mae West, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor were funny as hell before they died and for some reason many of their quotes are even funnier now. Maybe it’s just the person who’s doing the repeating of those quotes. The most under appreciated author of thousands of quotes and humorous thoughts is almost never properly recognized for his/her efforts in keeping us smiling and laughing. That person goes by two aliases, Unknown and Anonymous. Most of the truly profound quotes by this person are repeated often by many people in their everyday conversations and have been for years. Here’s an example of three:
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Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Anonymous
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There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Unknown
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Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Anonymous
We’ve heard these quotes for most of out lives although the wording may have changed a little as each decade slides by. They’re still funny and insightful from that ever present Anonymous philosopher. Wouldn’t you enjoy sitting with Mr. or Ms. Unknown/Anonymous for a lunch and follow up conversation? To laugh a lot and appreciate the humor and content of his/her thoughts for just a little while. Common sense seems to be a rarity these days and a person’s ability to communicate profound ideas and thoughts in a humorous way is the rarest gift of all. Here are a few more quotes for your enjoyment.
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9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Anonymous
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
Unknown
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Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
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She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers.
Anonymous
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A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
Unknown
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.
Anonymous
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Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Unknown
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Ten percent of something is better than 100% of nothing.
Unknown
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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Anonymous
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It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Anonymous
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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Unknown
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Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Unknown
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Don’t brake until you see god, then brake like hell.
Unknown
That list is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Who this Anonymous or Unknown genius is really isn’t all that important. It’s somehow getting his/her ideas out there for us to read, digest, and pass-on that is the important thing. I’ve always found myself drawn to the Anonymous quotes first because for me they represent all of us. The John Doe’s, the Jane Doe’s, and the John Q. Public’s, who seem to have more knowledge than expected and the secret ability to communicate without rudeness or condescension. It’s a true talent.
That being said here is maybe my all time favorite Anonymous quotation. Every time I read it I just smile. It tickles my funny bone and I’m not sure why. It might tell you a little more about me and my sense of humor and that’s okay too.
everyuselessthing.com 