Archive for the ‘fun’ Tag
I’ve used the term “Fake News” on a number of occasions over the last few years out of frustration with the Mainstream Media. It now appears that those same networks are getting their proverbial asses kicked and I have only one thing to say – KARMA BABY! It’s about effing time! Sometime ago I discovered a small book titled “Fake News” which probably would help explain why it’s so difficult for me to take most mainstream media types seriously. In my opinion news reporting should be something to help the public to become aware of problems, trends, and occurrences and how to deal with them. They should be the ultimate Public Service announcements which serve a useful purpose. This book was a treasure trove of truly stupid and sensationalistic headlines that make it difficult to take the reporters (news readers) seriously. I’ll list ten actual headlines to make my point.
ALBERT EINSTEINS QUOTE ABOUT LIVING A MODEST LIFE SELLS FOR $1.3 MILLION DOLLARS
SELENA GOMEZ CONFESSES HER BIZARRE CRUSH ON BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR
ZOO MEERKAT EXPERT SENTENCED OVER ASSAULT ON MONKEY HANDLER
IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE SEX WITH A GHOST – BRITISH WOMEN DOES AND LOVES IT.
KFC LAUNCHES DRUMSTICK BATH BOMBS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SMELL LIKE FRIED CHICKEN
CHUNKY RACCOON STUCK IN GRATE RESCUED BY FIREFIGHTERS
MAN ACCUSED OF PEEING ON FAMILY AT METALLICA CONCERT
POLE DANCING COULD BECOME AN OLYMPIC EVENT
SMALL TOWN CONNECTICUT ELECTION DECIDED BY COIN TOSS
PETA WANTS TO FLAVOR TOFU WITH GEORGE CLOONEYS SWEAT
POD CASTS FOREVER
Today I felt like breaking with my long-held tradition to avoid discussing religion. This will be my gift to all of you believers out there. These facts are interesting and at times ridiculous. Get down on your knees say a prayer or two and drink a large glass of holy water. Let’s get started.
- A Bible published in England in 1632 left out the word “not” in the seventh commandment, making it read “Thou shalt commit adultery.” It became known as “The Wicked Bible.”
- The first Bible to be published in America was in the language of the Algonquian Indians.
- The New Testament was originally written in Greek.
- At six cubits and a span, Goliath’s height was somewhere between nine feet, three inches and eleven feet, nine inches.
- In February of 1964 evangelist Billy Graham broke his lifelong rule against watching television on Sunday – to see the Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
- When W.C. Fields was caught glancing through a Bible, he explained it with, “Looking for loopholes.”
- The only domesticated animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
- Brigham Young, the famous Morman leader, married his twenty-seventh, and last wife in 1868.
- Sonny and Cher, at the start of their careers, appeared in Bible advertisements for the American Bible Society.
- Moses was 120 years old when he died. Methuselah lived to be 969 years old, according to Genesis.
✝️✡️☯️☪️
My favorite all time religious trivia fact.
LOL
On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globe Trotter.
LET ME HAVE A HUGE AMEN!!
Well, I’m sitting here in Maine expecting the fourth snowstorm in the last few weeks and freezing my butt off. I really can’t go outside because I’m not a snow bunny, so I sit here at the computer trying to decide what to post. Everyone knows that I love limericks, so I thought I’d take it one step further than usual and attempt to locate a few limericks written prior to 1900. I found a few but needless to say the language is a little coarser than usual. I’m posting them as originally written but I recommend you keep them out of the hands of children. These four limericks were written in the 1880’s.
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Have you heard about Magna Lupescu,
Who came to Romania’s rescue.
It’s a wonderful thing
To be under a king
Is democracy better, I asked you?
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There died an old man of Moldavia,
Well, known for his bawdy behavior.
When the priests thought him shriven,
And fitted for heaven,
He cried, “Go and bugger the Saviour!”
💥💥💥
There was a young farmer of Nant
Whose conduct was gay and gallant,
For he fucked all his dozens
Of nieces and cousins,
In addition, of course, to his aunt.
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A cheerful old party of Lucknow
Remarked, ” I should just like a fuck now!”
So, he had one and spent
And said,” I’m content,
By no means am I so cunt-struck now.”
☘️☘️☘️
I THINK I PREFER OUR MORE RECENT ONES
Do you consider yourself a truthful person? As a young person I thought I was always truthful but as I aged, I discovered just how wrong I was. There have been many times that I used exaggeration to make a point clearer and more interesting but in fact that is actually being somewhat untruthful. I think I can safely say that everyone at one time or another plays fast and loose with the truth for any number of reasons. Here is a collection of comments and quotations about the truth that make a great deal of sense.
- “The trouble with stretching the truth is that it’s apt to snap back.” Anonymous
- “Truth is such a rare thing; it is delightful to tell it.” Emily Dickinson
- “The man who speaks the truth is always at ease.” Persian Proverb
- “If you speak the truth have a foot in the stirrup.” Turkish Proverb
- “Truth is the anvil which has worn out many a hammer.” Anonymous
- “Everyone loves the truth, but not everyone tells it.” Yiddish Proverb
- “Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.” Winston Churchill
- “Craft must have clothes, but truth lives to go naked.” Thomas Fuller
- “Truth is heavy; few therefore can bear it.” Hebrew Proverb
- “Seldom any splendid story is wholly true.” Anonymous
And finally, a quote from one of my favorite people: Mark Twain
“When in doubt, tell the truth.“
And here’s one of my own:
“Always tell the truth and do the right thing regardless of the consequences.”
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
It’s another cold and miserable day here in Maine and I have no plans to leave the house at all. It goes against my common sense to go outside and freeze my ass off for no good reason. What better way to make a cold and miserable day a little more pleasant than to read some truly interesting yet captivating dirty jokes. Let’s get started.
A woman in her 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob in which a small knob is placed on the back of the woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand-new face lift. Of course, the woman Immediately wanted The Knob. Over the years the woman tightened the knob when needed, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After 15 years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and The Knob won’t get rid of them.” The doctor looked at her closely and said honey those aren’t bags; those are your breasts. She said, well, I guess there’s no point in asking about this goatee.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.
A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The doc says, well it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS. “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what you should do, drive her way out into the country and kick her out of the car, if she finds her way home, don’t screw her.
The man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes him to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. and found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes. “Oh my God” said the man, what am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pita bread.” Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. Well, no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.
KEEP SMILING
I was sure that the title of this post would draw some immediate attention. It’s well known that this country is addicted to all things sexual. Our TV shows, news programs, and advertisements are filled with sexual content. Sex can also be great fun if done properly and our laws are what helps the society determine that. It’s totally a judgement call but thanks to our colorful history beginning with those god-fearing Pilgrims, sexual matters can be monitored, and the local citizenry makes the determination as to what is considered proper and legal behavior. That’s when things get a little strange. Here is a list of laws addressing sexual behavior from all areas of the country and it doesn’t get much stranger than this. You be the judge.
- In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania – It is against the law to have sex with a truck driver in a toll booth.
- In Willowdale, Oregon, its unlawful for a husband to talk dirty to his wife during sex.
- In Clinton, Oklahoma it is illegal to masturbate while watching two people having sex in a car.
- In Newcastle, Wyoming it is illegal to have sex in a butcher shop’s meat locker.
- In Ames, Iowa, there is a law against drinking more than three slugs of beer while lying in bed with a woman.
- In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law forbidding two pigs from having sex on airport property.
- In Ventura County, California there is a law forbidding cats and dogs from having sex without a permit.
- In Washington DC, there is a law against having sex in any position but face to face.
- In Alexandria, Minnesota, it against the law for a man to have sex with his wife with the stink of onions, sardines, and garlic on his breath.
- In Tremonton, Utah, it’s against the law to have sex in an ambulance.
LET’S GIVE THANKS TO THOSE DAMN PILGRIMS
This is a perfect day for a truck load of silliness. First let’s look over some truly stupid and published newspaper headlines.
CHILD’S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN THE GARDEN
SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MAN RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN DIES
Next are a few actual classified ads that made me smile.
😁😁😁
Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer – $300.00
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
Quotes and Malaprops from actual high school and college exams on the subject of Music Appreciation
😜😜😜
- The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called the pre-Madonna.
- Agnes Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
And finally, a serious quote from a serious Playboy playmate, Barbie Benton.
(Not PETA Approved)
“I believe that minks are raised to be turned into fur coats and if we didn’t wear fur coats, those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born, or to have lived for one or two years to have been turned into a fur coat. I don’t know.”
PROMISE TO BE SILLY AT LEAST ONCE A DAY
We woke up to five inches of snow this AM. I was forced into snow-blowing the driveway at 7:15. I’m really glad I didn’t wait because the snow was slowly melting and getting heavy making the snow-blower work extra hard. The driveway is now clear making it possible for my shopaholic better-half to get out and about. I really haven’t decided what to post today so taking a tip from some of my teachers of years ago, when in doubt they just gave us a pop quiz. Since food always seems to interest everyone, here are ten questions for you foodies out there. The answers will be listed below.
- What animal is the source of milk used in making Roquefort cheese?
- What part of the banana is used to make banana oil?
- Two states have official beverages. Florida is orange juice, what is the other?
- What words are found on the three rings of the Ballentine beer label?
- How many quarts of milk does it take to make one pound of butter?
- How much money did American Airlines claim to have saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each of it’s salads served in the first-class sections?
- What fruit did the Visigoths demand in ransom when they laid siege of Rome?
- What is the BRAT diet to eliminate diarrhea?
- What do Eskimos use to prevent their food from freezing?
- If you ordered the Five B’s breakfast in New England, what will you be served?
Answers
The Ewe (female sheep), None-banana oil is a synthetic, Ohio-tomato juice, Purity-Body-Flavor, 9.86 quarts, $40,000.00, 3,000 lbs. of peppercorns, Bananas-Rice-Applesauce-Toast, Refrigerators, Boston Baked Beans and Brown Bread
It’s just another weird and wonderful week here in Maine. So far, we’ve had a snowstorm, then an earthquake, then a windstorm, then some rain, and a dose of black ice for good measure. It’s no wonder I hate to leave the house. Today’s post is yet another visit through the “limerick time tunnel“. These limericks were probably compiled sometime in the mid 1970’s and then published in the early 1980’s. I love looking back to search for a few interesting and funny gems that need to be redistributed to the newer generations. Enjoy!
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There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was screwed by an elderly Finn.
Though he diddled his best,
And banged her with zest,
She kept asking, “Hey, Pop, is it in?”
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There was a young man from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, “If you please,
It would give me great bliss
If, while playing with this,
You would pay some attention to these!”
💥💥💥
There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn’t, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a girl in the mood,
The question’s not would he, but could he?
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A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
🍀🍀🍀
LUVING THE 70’S
Another freezing cold day here in Maine. I don’t feel as bad about it as I normally do because I can spend my day watching videos of the folks down south enjoying the snow with their families. My favorite so far came out of south Louisiana where the roads had been closed to car traffic. One genius soul braved the snow squalls and rode down the main street of his town on a swamp air boat. Too cool for school! Today’s quiz will be about artists, a favorite topic of mine. Answers will be listed below.
- The “Gibson Girl” made famous by artist Charles Dana Gibson, was what woman?
- Fulton, Missouri, has a thirty-two-foot sculpture titled “Breakthrough“. What cold war relic does it commemorate?
- If you wanted to see a lot of paintings of dogs, what midwestern city would you visit?
- What famous female painter started painting because her fingers had become too stiff for embroidering?
- What great artist signed his pictures with a sketch of a butterfly?
- What great French sculptor’s works are featured in a Philadelphia Museum?
- Grant Woods famous painting, American Gothic shows a farm couple, with the man holding a pitchfork. What relation are the man and woman?
- What huge outdoor sculpture was created by Gutzon Borglum?
- What president’s much visited statue in D.C. was sculpted by Daniel Chester French?
- Californias most famous cemetery has several large reproductions of famous religious paintings. What is the cemetery?
Answers
Gibsons wife, The Berlin Wall, St. Louis’s Dog Museum, Grandma Moses, James Whistler, Rodin famous for “The Thinker“, Father and Daughter, Mount Rushmore, The Lincoln Memorial, Forest Lawn in Glendale.
WHEN IN DOUBT, DRAW SOMETHING
everyuselessthing.com 